Warnings: Implied Slash, Smoking, slightly A/U
A/N: Starting up the new school year, felt like writing some fanfiction. Hope you like it. The title is taken from the song "Something to Sing About" from Once More, With Feeling (or the Buffy the Vampire Slayer musical episode). The entire quote goes like this, "Life's not a song / Life isn't bliss / Life is just this / It's living".
Life Is Just This
"Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch, just smoke one cigarette and hush."
-Lady GaGa
Smoke hung heavy in the room, transforming the furniture into dark uncertain forms, reminiscent of the way a dreary morning fog cloaks the buildings resting on a bay. Though it obscured his vision, the smoke somehow failed to sting his eyes or catch in his throat. It was there, a presence, around him, but removed from him. As he walked across the room, he could feel the warm vapid tendrils curling around his flesh in a vaguely familiar fashion. He ignored it and continued on. In a short time he had reached the other side of the enclosed area. Mechanically, he reached out his arm and grasped the door handle he knew to be there. With a jerk he wrenched open the door, letting in the brilliant, snow-clad sunlight of winter while simultaneously expelling the smoke into the open air where it quickly became one with the nothingness.
Remus Lupin snapped awake. He blinked, letting his eyes adjust to the darkness. Memories of the evening's events seeped into his now conscious mind, closely followed by vivid images of a hazy room; the residue of his dream. Sleep was futile on a night like tonight. He quickly rose from his bed, relishing the feeling the cold night air making contact with his bare skin. He pulled on a pair of jeans and put on a shirt, buttoning it up as he pushed open the dormitory door.
A few moments later he was padding softly down the corridor, following the familiar path to his favorite haut. Had he not been so preoccupied with gloomy thoughts and unpleasant recollections, he might have heard the footsteps echoing his in the distance. However, tonight he did not. As he was a seventh year, the journey was reasonably shortened by his knowledge of the castle's hidden doors and dusty passageways. He did not meet anyone on his way. He did not expect to.
A flick of his wand and a few muttered words spoken smoothly to a locked door granted him access to the Astronomy Tower. Snow drifted down from the heavens, cloaking him with white in only a few moments. He shook the powdered flakes out of his hair and sat down on the tower's battlements, gracefully swinging his legs over the edge. Below him the forest stretched out for miles. He rummaged around in his pocket and produced a slightly battered pack of cigarettes and a box of strike-anywhere matches. He stuck the little white stick between his lips, lit it, then inhaled deeply. On the exhale, he watched the cloud of smoke mingle with the frozen sky for a moment before it disappeared on the breeze.
He heard the click of a door behind him and he sighed to himself, letting the new arrival trod halfway across the tower before he spoke, "Hello, Sirius."
The unseen figure paused before speaking cautiously, "'Ello…"
Remus swung his legs back around so that he was now facing the boy. He took another drag on his cigarette, then whispered, "What are you doing here?"
Sirius looked up from where he had been examining his boots and met the other's gaze, fire blazing defiantly in his eyes, "Just fancied a chat is all."
"Sirius, I believe I told you everything I needed too earlier."
The two were silent for a bit. Remus finished his cigarette, tossing the still smoldering remains off the Tower behind him without a glance. He was reaching for another one when Sirius broke the silence, "So it's really over then?"
"I suppose so." He fumbled with the match, failing to light it on first contact. He succeeded the second time.
Sirius moved closer, putting his hand on Remus' cheek. The boy brushed it off icily. Sirius recoiled as if he had been hit. Remus softened, "I'm sorry, it's just…"
"You don't love me anymore."
Remus shook his head.
The other boy's mouth hardened. He looked, not angry, but something akin to it. "Then tell me that. I need to hear you say it."
Remus looked up, speaking clearly, tonelessly, "I don't love you anymore. Not the way you need me to." He froze for a brief second before continuing more slowly, "I haven't for quite some time now."
"If that's the case, then why end it now? Why not sooner…or later?" There was a hint of pleading mingled in with the pent up fury in his voice.
"I just got tired of trying to find meaning in something meaningless."
Sirius thought.
Remus smoked.
Sirius stepped forward once more.
"Sirius…" Remus warned.
Sirius maintained his ground, "Can I just sit with you for a bit?"
Remus nodded, the hint of a smile playing on his lips. It was invisible in the darkness. He offered Sirius a cigarette.
Sirius took it.
"I just want to know why," Sirius started again sometime later.
"I told you why."
"No, I mean, just…why?"
Remus shrugged, "It's life, I guess. Some things just end."