TRIGGERS: MISCARRAGE

Summary: After Jane ends up in the hospital in 5x09, she receives comfort from an unlikely source.

Jane groaned as she stared at the blank white wall of the hospital. She felt her stomach and whimpered. She felt the pain of her internal organs as she moved. She would feel this pain 1000 times again if she could just hold her little girl again. She lost the child she had been carrying for 3 months.

The nurse let her hold the child and as she held the tiny bundle of life in her hands she couldn't hold back the tears. At first many got caught in her throat but when the nurse left she let them fall gently. She held her child closer and then sobbed.

That had been last night, Maura held her hand when she woke up in the morning but had to leave. She was now all alone. She felt the tears begin to fall again. She heard someone enter but assumed it was the nurse and stayed still. She was brought out of her trance by a hand stroking her back.

"Shh."

Jane did nothing but relaxed some. She thought it was Maura and began to cry again.

"It's ok Jane."

She felt strands of red hair on her face and cold hands rub her back.

"Maura, you're cold."

Silence

Jane turned slowly and was surprised at what she saw.

"Hope?"

"Hello Jane." Hope said.

Jane blinked and turned over. She grunted and hope helped her sit up. Hope grabbed a chair and sat down.

"What are you doing here?"

"I came by to make sure you're alright. Are you?"

"I don't know. I mean how could I be…I lost my little girl…it's my fault if I had just waited…if…" Jane got out through tears.

Hope didn't know how to react. She had never seen the detective in such a vaulurabe state.

"I know what it's like," she blurted out.

Jane turned her head to face her and looked on in surprise. Hope pulled imaginary fibers from her shirt.

"Hope. It's not the same you got to have the daughter you wanted and I will never get to."

Hope held Jane's hand and looked at her.

"It is the same, I never got to know Maura for all those years. I mourned my baby and dreamt of what it would be like. Even after I found her I will never get to have those years. I'll never get to know what she was like. I think that is the hardest, missing all those years and never getting to have them. Always wondering what she would do, what she would be like, cheering her on at school, protecting her from bullies, teaching her about the world. All of that I will never get back."

Jane laid back down.

"Look I'm just saying I understand. It's hard Jane but you'll get through it."

"How?"

"It'll take time and I can help you if you want."

Jane was silent.

"How did you do it?"

"Pardon?"

"How did you continue to live without…?" Jane couldn't finish her thought.

"It was hard. All these years I blamed myself and thought that it was a punishment for something I did. I buried myself in work and tried to forget it but I would cry at nights a lot."

Jane started to cry. Hope got up and held her. Jane buried her face in Hope's chest.

"I never forgot Maura though. There was always a place in my heart for her. And you can't forget your little girl."

"I could never forget her. Would I make an awful mother? Is that why she had to…" Jane didn't finish her thought. Tears caught in her throat. Hope sighed and stroked Jane's hair.

"May I sing you a lullaby? I always dreamt of singing it to Maura and always sang it to Cailin."

"Um..."

"You're my daughter too."

Jane sat there for a moment and then sighed.

Hope pulled Jane closer to her chest and smiled. She than began singing*. Her voice was soft and soothing.

Zaglyani ty v serdechko mne
I skazhi ''uhodi'' zime
Veter voet, a ty grej menya
Nebo stonet, a u nas vesna
Poprosi u oblakov
Podarit' nam belyh snov
Noch' plyvyot i mi za nej
V mir tainstvennyh ognej

Razgoni ty tosku vo mne
Nespokojno u menya v dushe

Poprosi u oblakov
Podarit' nam belyh snov
Noch' plyvyot i mi za nej
V mir tainstvennyh ognej (x3)

Jane relaxed after hearing the lullaby and Hope just held her for some time.

"Jane you would have made an excellent mother. These things just happen." Hope said.

"Yeah. I gotta be strong." Jane whispered.

Hope pulled back and looked at Jane. She smiled and the two shared a look of understanding. The feeling of knowing, the mutual mourning. Jane would heal in time and hope placed a kiss to the top of her head.

Hope pulled back and for a moment the two shared a moment of silence.

Jane looked down at her lap and played with her hands.

"Your mother and Maura will be here soon. I think Cailin wanted to visit too but had to see her schedule."

"Alright. Hey thanks for everything."

Hope tilted Jane's chin up and kissed her forehead. She began to leave when she heard a crashing noise outside.

"Owww." One voice said.

"Damnit I told you that was a bad idea." Another woman said.

"But it was fun…Hey let me go damnit."

Jane and Hope looked out the room. They saw two security guards holding two women in the air.

"Put me down now!" one of them said.

"Oh boy." Hope said. She looked again and they both laughed.

"Suéltame ahorra!**" One of the women screamed.

The guards carried the two women to Jane's room. It turned out to be Maura and Cailin. Maura was still in scrubs and Cailin held a present.

"Are these two yours?" A guard asked hope.

"Yes they are my daughters. Why?"

"Because they stole a wheelchair and raced it all throughout the hospital. They didn't harm anyone but made quite the ruckus." A guard said.

"Oh I'm so sorry I will see that they are punished." Hope said.

Jane watched the interaction from her bed and smirked. She was surprised that Maura would do something so reckless and irresponsible. She was curious as to who won and for the first time since she woke up she smiled.

"Apologize. NOW!" Hope yelled at Maura and Cailin.

"We were just playing. Till this asswipe showed up." Maura said.

Cailin turned to the guard. "You ruined our fun. Baka.***"

Hope slammed her fist over both Maura and Cailin's heads. They both ended up looking down.

"Oww. Mom." They both said.

Jane chuckled from her spot. Maybe she wasn't a mom yet but with time she could be. She would learn some things from her ma and maybe even Hope. For now she laughed at her friend's punishment. She looked at the window and a small beam of light hit her just right. She enjoyed the warmth and rubbed her stomach as a tear rolled down her skin and a smiled bared her face.

She looked up at the sky and one question ran through her mind.

Are you watching me, my little girl? Mama loves you so very much. Remember that my baby girl.

FIN

TRANSLATIONS:

*You gaze into my little heart
And say: winter "go away"
The wind wails, yet you keep me warm
The sky weeps, but amidst us there is spring

Plea the clouds
To give us a back a clear sky
Night falls and with her we fall
In the land of enigmatic flames

Hasten my craving for you
Unrest my soul

Plea the clouds
To give us back the lights
Night falls and we fall with her
In the land of enigmatic flames (x3)

(Kolibel'naya ("Lullaby" in Russian. Translated to English))

** "Let (me) go now!" Or "Release me now!" (Spanish)

*** Idiot (Japanese)