A/N: One-shot based on my "Alliance" series. There are a couple of aspects here that pertain to the stories, and if you're wondering, you can go back and read "Ducks and Dragons", but it can be enjoyed without it. If you review, please remember, no cursing! This is a gift dedicated to Malon Aniku, Miss Piratess, and zeldaisthebest for making them wait so long for the next chapter of "Damsel In Distress", which will hopefully be updated sometime this weekend. I got banned until the eighth due to those stupid deletions, so I'm really mad! And by the way, Anni, I saw your picture, and I think it's GREAT!! The only thing about it that didn't match my image (except for details like clothing colors and stuff) was Cassandra's outfit. She looked quite…warrior-ish…But I loved it anyway! My first fan art! (huggles Anni) Thank you! I saved it to my computer!
Disclaimer: LOZ's not mine. If it were, I would publish this and sell it and make lots and lots of money. However, I don't own it. It belongs to Shigeru Somethin'-or-other, and Nintendo Productions, or whatever it's called…
Real Disclaimer: "The Legend of Zelda" and all related indicia belong to the Nintendo company and its developers. I am not writing this for any sort of profit. It is simply a fan work because I admire the actual thing.
It was another beautiful day in Hyrule. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, Link was knocking out guards left and right with his faulty swordsmanship… Yes, everything was normal.
Except for one thing.
Impa was baking.
That was something new for the dwellers of Hyrule Castle, many of which were huddled around the kitchen door in awe. A Sheikah had never entered a kitchen before, let alone begin making something in it. However, here was the Princess' nanny, stirring cake batter in a bowl, her armored outfit covered by a pink apron that read, "Kiss the Cook."
And it was something strange, yet satisfying at the same time.
They were the first to see this, and boy, were they ever going to have something to gossip about this weekend!
"What's going on?" Princess Zelda demanded regally from behind the group of servants, swordsmanship instructors, scribes, councilors, and guards. The crowd swiftly parted to admit the princess into the kitchen. There was something else new. The princess in the kitchen?! What was the world coming to?! They all gathered around the door once more.
"What in Nayru's name are you doing, Impa?" Zelda demanded, her hands on her hips.
"Baking," the Sheikah replied nonchalantly, continuing to stir the batter.
"I can see that," Zelda retorted. "I meant it as a rhetorical question."
Impa looked up at the princess in surprise. "I didn't know you knew the word 'rhetorical'."
"Wow," Zelda said, "I didn't know I knew it either."
Impa's eyes closed. She should have known Zelda would say something like that.
"Can I help?" Zelda asked, staring at the mass of gloop in the bowl.
"Actually, Zelda, I don't really need help – "
"Nonsense!" Zelda cried, grabbing the batter-covered spoon from Impa's hand. "I'll stir this, and you do whatever else needs done."
"But nothing else needs done!" Impa protested as Zelda seized the mixing bowl.
"Sure it does! What about a baking dish or something to put this in?"
"I already have everything out," Impa said with irritated impatience. She roughly took the baking utensils back from Zelda and pointed to the door. Zelda crossed her arms and glared at the Sheikah, but obeyed and left the room. The spectators at the door left with her. There was nothing else to see.
Later that day, Zelda snuck back to the kitchen, glancing down the halls and in the surrounding rooms to make sure no one was there. When she saw that the coast was clear, she grinned and slipped inside.
This was going to be fun.
She began raiding the cabinets, yanking out anything and everything that could possibly have something to do with baking. She pulled out a whisk, not knowing what it was, shrugged, and added it to the pile. Like the ancient lore of Hyrule, it was something she'd never learned, but liked to pretend she knew how to do anyway. She hadn't been allowed into the kitchen for months on account of the cook still being so huffy about the cancelled wedding between her and Link. Well, it hadn't been her fault, she told herself again and again. He shouldn't have made so much food! He still only replied to her questions with humphs.
As she was pulling down various cookbooks, there was an insistent tapping on the window behind her. Afraid she'd been caught by one of the guards, she whirled around, plastering an innocent look on her face and hiding Fifty Cakes and Pastries behind her back. To her surprise, it was Link, looking desperately at her and mouthing, "Open the window!" He kept glancing behind him, as if checking to see if someone were chasing him. Zelda sighed in relief and opened the window, dragging the Hero of Time through it. Navi, his fairy friend who'd returned soon after Prince Lute left, flitted in after him.
"What's going on?" Zelda asked after Link had regained his footing and forced the window shut.
"Guards," he panted, bent over double. "Chasing…me…again…"
Zelda sighed. "What did you do this time?"
"You know…how they get…when I whack 'em one too many times," he replied, finally able to stand up and grin what he thought was a charming grin at his fiancée.
Zelda rolled her eyes and returned to her stack of cookbooks.
"Whatcha doin'?" Link asked, glancing over her shoulder.
"Trying to bake."
"Oh! Can I help?" Navi asked.
"I don't really see how you can, Navi, since you don't have arms or hands," Link told the glowing blue orb.
Navi flew into his head sharply, landing a hard blow.
"Yow! What was that for?!" he demanded, whipping off his trademark hat and rubbing his head.
"For insulting me," the fairy replied with a huff.
"Ah!" Zelda exclaimed triumphantly. "I'll bake this!"
"' Hylian White Bread'?" Link read from the cookbook. "But that's boring!"
"You should always start at the beginning when you want to learn something," Zelda said, her finger in the air.
Navi and Link gaped at her in shock. It must have been the most intelligent thing she'd said since…well, since she was born. Navi sniffed. "That was beautiful, Zelda!"
"Huh?" Zelda asked, looking at them in bewilderment. "I was just reading what was in the cookbook."
The hero and the fairy sighed. Of course. How could they have ever thought that Zelda could be intelligent?
"Wishful thinking," Navi muttered.
"What's that mean?" Link asked.
"Never mind!" the fairy cried, smacking her nonexistent forehead with her nonexistent fist.
"I know how you can help, Navi," Zelda suggested, holding the book up. "You can read me the directions!"
"Oh, goody!" Navi fluttered over to where Zelda set the book on the cabinet. "Okay, you need milk, eggs, flour, sugar, water, and yeast."
"Check!" Zelda said, pulling the ingredients onto the countertop. "Next?"
Navi began reading the instructions. Finally, she reached, "Add one tablespoon of…" She trailed off.
"What's wrong?" Zelda asked.
"Um, Link? Could you do me a favor?" Navi asked, sounding sheepish.
"What?" Link said, looking up at her in annoyance. He'd been admiring his reflection in a polished silver tray.
"Could you…turn the page?" Navi stammered.
"Hah!" Link teased. "Told ya!"
Navi then lifted a huge metal cooking pot (how, we'll never know) and flung it full force at Link's head. The pot struck him squarely in the face and he fell over, stiff as a board.
"Hah, yourself!" Navi shouted in triumph.
"Will you please just finish reading me the directions?" Zelda asked, shaking her head. As she turned back to the bowl containing the dough, she knocked the whole package of yeast in. "Oops," she murmured. Then, she shrugged. "Well, it will just make it fluffier!" She looked at Navi, who hovered over the cookbook. "Well, what's taking so long?" she demanded.
Navi turned a bright pink. "Um, I still can't turn the pages."
About a half hour later, Link was once again conscious, Navi had successfully finished reading Zelda the recipe, and the bread was in the oven. While Zelda was busy cleaning up the mess left after the mixing, Navi was fluttering about quite pompously, and Link was sitting in front of the oven, watching the dough rise and bake. But something looked wrong. It certainly didn't look like any bread he'd ever seen before. It just kept getting bigger, and bigger…
"Hey, Zel, I think something's wrong with your bread," Link said after a bit.
"What do you mean?" Zelda asked, looking up from the sink where she was busily scrubbing dishes.
"Well, it's getting way too big," he said simply, stepping away from the oven door.
"Dear Farore, it's pushing it open!" Navi screamed.
And indeed, because Zelda had spilt the excess yeast in, the dough was rising at an alarming rate and pushing it's way through the oven door.
"Run away!" Zelda cried. "Dough invasion!" She, Link and Navi all scrambled out the window seconds before the oven exploded, flinging dough all over the walls, ceiling, and floor of the kitchen, as well as in the hallway outside.
"I am so dead," Zelda said.
"Yup," Link agreed.
One week later, Zelda peeked into the now dough-free kitchen to see Impa standing there, pulling a freshly baked tray of brownies out of the oven. "Uh…hi, Impa?" Zelda greeted her questioningly.
Impa whirled around so fast the strings of her apron were still in front of her when she'd turned. "What?" she asked snippily.
"I just…kinda…wondered if I could…help…" Zelda said haltingly.
"Zelda, let me ask you something."
Zelda winced and clasped her hands behind her back, her head bowed. When Impa said she wanted to "ask" you something, she usually ended up "scolding" you about it.
"Do you know how long it took us to clean all that dough in the kitchen?" Impa asked, the tray in her hands.
"No," Zelda said, quietly and guiltily.
"Four days. And do you know how long it took to clean the hall?"
"No," Zelda repeated, sounding even more quiet and guilty.
"Two more days. You wasted almost a week of my life, Zelda. And how was it wasted? Scraping dough off the surfaces of rooms. What do you have to say for yourself?" Impa asked, setting the brownies on the counter.
"Uh…sorry?"
"Good," Impa said, pulling off her oven mitts. "Now apologize to the cook."
Oh, boy. Zelda knew that was coming, and she dreaded it more than anything else she'd ever done. She walked up to the cook and tapped him on the shoulder. This time he didn't even humph.
"Eh-heh, Mister Cook?" Zelda began. "I wanted to apologize for the bread thing…"
Once again, not even a humph.
"I was wondering, could I help?"
At that, the cook reacted. He whipped off his chef hat and began whacking Zelda repeatedly over the head with it, chasing her out of the kitchen. She retreated to the courtyard and settled down wearily on a marble bench. Moments later, Link appeared, out of breath once again.
"Let me guess," Zelda said in an upset monotone. "The guards."
"Yup," Link nodded, dropping onto the bench next to her. "What's wrong with you, Zeldakins?"
Zelda heaved a mighty sigh. "I miss the humphs!"
A/N: You likey? Oh, me hope you likey! If you likey, clickey the blue button down at the bottom of the screen! But remember, no cursing!