My, my my. An Akatsuki story. This'll be interesting. There is SLIGHT Yaoi in this; only the fluffy kind. So if you're a Yaoi hater, this story wont affect your hatred in any way. Oh, and also; NO DEATHS ^^ All Akatsuki are alive, Tobi is still a numbskull, Itachi is definitely not blind (…yet, I think. o_o) Everything's normal in the Akatsuki! …Minus the crazy members. ARGH, Me do not own the Akatsuki or any Naruto characters. I would love to take Itachi off of Kishimoto's hands though ^_^ Enjoy and R&R!
The dreaded letter.
A slam on a dining table could've been heard all around the Akatsuki hallway. Pein sighed in frustration while Konan just sat on a chair, raising an eyebrow at the leader's unintended actions. He took another terrible look at the opened envelope,
"I just received a letter from our government…"
What're you talking about? We have governments- why not ninjas? Do not question the Kamikaze up in the sky!
"Pein must've forgotten his coffee this morning…" Konan thought with a sweat.
-
Our lovely Akatsuki art freak laid at his desk, molding explosive clay. His hand regurgitated the clay that has been magnificently transformed into a swallow. He observed the flawless work he has done, and then pounded his face against the desk and sighed dramatically.
"Sasori No Danna has been gone for a week and I'm soooooo bored!" He whined to himself. Tobi suddenly appeared at his doorway, waving non-stop like a maniac,
"Ohayo Deidara-san!" Deidara looked up, disgusted with Tobi's orange, lollipop of a mask and placed his face flat on his desk again,
"Hi, Tobi. Un." He replied through gritted teeth. Tobi danced, entering in very dangerous territory. He stopped and placed a finger on his mask where the side of his mouth is supposed to be,
"What should we play today, Deidara-sempai?" The masked man twirled in a circle, displaying gestures each time he spun around once,
"Red rover?" Tobi twirled again, then made a thinking posture.
"20 questions?" Once again he spun, now on one foot on his tipsy-toes.
"Dancing!" He sang, then ran in place,
"Oh! Tobi knows a good game! How about Tag?" Deidara had enough of this foolishness so he lifted his face off the counter and turned to Tobi, who was definitely in La la Land right now. He smirked, digging his hand into his pocket full of clay,
"Okay Tobi; let's play your game of tag, Un. But with a twist." Tobi stopped fantasizing and turned, giving him full attention.
"Tobi will listen." He spoke in third person.
"Okay, first is that…" The blonde-haired Akatsuki member's voice trailed off as our hyperactive Tobi was raising and waving him arm like an idiot in first grade.
"Ohhh! Ohhh! Can Tobi be it?" He shouted. Deidara closed his eyes, chuckling evilly. Tobi stopped waving and cocked his head to his right like a lost puppy.
"Trust me, un, you don't wanna be it for this kind of game…"
"Why is that, sempai?" He replied curiously. Deidara lifted his hand which was in his pocket he placed in and held in a fist, his hand's mouth munching away. His eyes shot open and bellowed,
"If you get tagged; you will die, Un!" He thrust his hand in an upward motion just as the mouth spit out a explosive clay bird, flying at Tobi. His eye widened, (not like anyone noticed anyways since of his mask,) And ran in circled as Deidara starts laughing his ass off at the cat and mouse chase scene.
"T-TOBI WON'T GET TAGGED!" He yelled, running around a couple more laps in Deidara's room, then jetting out into the hallway. Deidara kept laughing, gripping his stomach just as his Danna came in, perplexed.
"What the hell are you laughing at? You look like you inhaled some laughing gas for a long period of time." Sasori questioned, backing up a little from the laughing maniac. Deidara stopped and rubbed his eyes.
"I was bored, Un. And Tobi was in here so…" Sasori cut him off while the other member's voice trailed off.
"Anyways, he didn't wreck any of my Puppets, did he?" Quite frankly, Deidara and Sasori shared a room, since they had no other rooms because Itachi Uchiha wanted a room of him own, rejecting the offer of rooming with Kisame. The truth is that Itachi doesn't want to suddenly wake up in his bed, with Kisame appearing at his side sleeping giving the weasel the thought that he had been molested. Long story short Uchihas do not like being touched. Or letting their air be breathed in by other mortals.
"No, un." Deidara simply said. He looked over at the other end of their dark blue shaded room, one side covered with Sasori's puppets as the other was just his clay birds, spiders, you get the idea.
"He better not." Sasori muttered, "Tobi would've wrecked a perfect piece of art." Deidara snorted in anticipation.
"The true meaning of Art, Un. Is that it stays beautiful for a short period of time and BOOM, Un! It's superior on its beauty when it dies gracefully." He looks at his explosive devices as Sasori notices. He sighed,
"What's the point for something so beautiful when it's only pretty for one second, and then destroying it? The real, true meaning of Art is that it stays pure, and beautiful for eternity, never rotting. That is the true meaning of Art." Sasori finally finished his speech, then facing a bored Deidara yawning, waving him off.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, Un." Sasori's eyebrows slightly narrowed as he was getting irritated at his teammate's actions.
"You know, you act like some spoiled third grader sometimes." He spat. The responding Akatsuki member raised an eyebrow.
"And who asked me to fix some puppet arms with my clay, Un? And whining because I was too lazy to help, Un." Sasori quickly looked away, embarrassed. Okay, he only asked Deidara to stick some clay between some of his puppets' arm joints just because that stupid Zetsu had found a strange bottle labeled 'Glue' and somehow glued his Venus fly-trap together. Don't ask.
"You were pouting like some kindergartener who lost his crayons during art class, un." Deidara smirked. Sasori kept his gaze away from Deidara, until another companion came in through the door,
"You guys are arguing AGAIN? And it's not a surprise that it was about art…" A deep, male voice bounced off the walls and into the other twos' eardrums.
"Since when does a fish, especially you Kisame, would care for such a thing?" Sasori suddenly asks. Kisame Hoshigaki just plainly shrugs,
"I don't." He takes his Samehada sword out and smirks with his oddly blue colored skin, "But this possession is true beauty; if yah ask me." Suddenly, a loud, booming sound came from the hallways, nearing to the room.
"What the fuck are you shit-heads talking about? True beauty lies within Fucking Jashin! Sacrifices are the shit! Blood is the true meaning of beauty, trust me; I fucking know." None other than Hidan came walking in, dragging along his fouled mouth. Kakuzu came following in after, making a short comment, dipping in on their conversation,
"The true beauty lies within the wealth, without money, its pureness will demolish." Hidan looks over to the green-eyed fellow,
"When the fuck was money pure?" Kakuzu glanced back,
"Since never. I just wanted to say that." Sasori took a look around the now bright room lit by the sun coming in from the windows (Yes, their lair looks like a normal house on the inside.) Hidan was the first to speak again, wanting to break the silence,
"So where's that bullshit of a Uchiha? Everyone seems to be here except for that douche bag." Deidara smirked and pointed a finger at Hidan,
"Right behind you, doofus." Hidan turned around, facing red sharingan eyes, glaring slightly as he lets out a small "Oh shit." Itachi stopped glaring at Hidan and his eyes lingered around the room, finally speaking:
"The true beauty is your power; You can control how strong you can appear, and the more amount of strength you have, the more beauty you possess." Everyone literally gawked at Uchiha, not believing what just passed through their ears. Itachi looked slightly taken back,
"What?" He questioned. Everyone soon whispered to one another, widening their eyes. Sasori was the first to speak,
"Did you actually talk more than four words?" Hidan came next, pinching both of Itachi's cheeks, then laid a palm on Itachi's forehead to check if he was alright, as the other free hand stretched the corners of his mouth, showing his clean teeth.
"Are you even alright?" The Uchiha narrowed his eyes, deadpanning,
"Don't touch me." And bit on one of the stretching fingers Hidan had used to open his mouth. The Jashinist pulled back, howling quietly and muttered a flow of cusswords.
"Damn shit! That hurts like Jashin's ultimate sacrifice, hell!" Kakuzu just slapped him silly,
"I swear, You need one of those anger management classes to get rid of those words you say." Hidan blew up right after the comment,
"Fuck you, Kakuzu! I don't fucking need any shit of a class to get rid of my bullshit of a swearing! In face, I think you fucking need more help than me! You cunt face that drools over fucking money all the damn time!" He bellowed, spit dramatically and slowly gets in contact with Kakuzu's lower mask. He sighed,
"Fine. Don't ask me when your head gets chopped off again."
"GUYS, GET YOUR FATASSES IN HERE!"
Another voice bellowed throughout the Akatsuki lair, this time it was unmistakably…
"Is leader-sama on his monthly guy period again?" Sasori asked randomly. The rest either gave a chuckle, a shrug or no response and walked to the kitchen, which was attached to the dining room. There was Zetsu and Tobi, somehow covered in ash, steam flowing from him and upwards to the ceiling sat at the table.
"So, what's the munch for today's breakfast?" Hidan asked sarcastically. Pein looked at him questionably, then motioned all of them to take a seat. Konan fixed a cup of coffee for Pein, hoping it would lower his anger ever since… he got that letter.
"Listen guys, I'm pretty sure all of you guys are very well educated, and clever." He spoke very seriously. The other Akatsuki members gave each other glances as they were communicating with one another.
"Actually, Un. Nobody favored my art so I dropped out of school in third grade." Deidara gave a sheepish smile.
"I had an obsession with turning people into puppets. So they expelled me from every school in fifth grade." Sasori finished, his cheeks a little pink from the confession.
"…I always stole the money from my lunch ladies. So I caused my school to be broke and it closed down because of bad business back in middle school." Kakuzu confessed as he started counting his money he just won from some weird bet.
"I worshipped Jashin for my whole life; why would I fucking waste my time in a damn school?" Hidan cursed. Everyone looked at him curiously,
"So basically you never had an education?" Pein-sama asked slowly.
"Fuck education! Jashin is a lot better than school, if you bitches would even try it." The pink-eyed villain replied like it was nothing. Everyone had a sweat-drop on their faces. No wonder he's always the dumbest…They all thought together.
"Tobi…" Tobi started, but got cut off by the leader, waving him off.
"We all get why you aren't in school Tobi. No need to explain." Some sighed in agreement. Pein then turned to the remaining people and holds a feeling he calls 'Hope.'
"Zetsu, Itachi, Kisame?" He slightly choked on his words.
"I'm a plant. What do you expect? Obviously Pein didn't have a good enough eye…dumb ass." Kisame turned from his skin color blue, to a deep shade of red.
"I…kinda…killed everyone in my school? Back in 5th grade. Dropped out ever since." The only hope Pein has left for Itachi--The prodigy! Hopefully he has some excellent Intelligent bottled up in him, everyone eagerly stared at Itachi, begging him to say something. He returned the glanced with a raise of an eyebrow that said You're frigging creeping me out. Itachi looked back to Pein, who was resting his chin on laced fingers, waiting for an answer. His sharingan slowly converted back to his normal eye color.
"I killed the freaking Uchiha Clan at 13. Did you really think I ever got into high school?" Everyone anime-dropped. Pein got up and rubbed his head. All hope was lost.
"Since basically ALL of you… including me…and Konan; who also dropped out of school before high school started, are Uneducated." He lifted up a open envelope for everyone to see,
"The government has somehow found our address, and--" Pein was rudely interrupted by Tobi, the maniac.
"Tobi knows! Tobi's a good boy!" He ran somewhere, then came back with a phone book and flipped somewhere around the beginning of the phone book:
111 Akatsuki Ave., Akatsuki Lair
The Akatsuki Lair, Japan.
Phone number: 1-800-Akatsuki-Lair
"…" Everyone glared at Tobi as he plastered a smile on his face, (No one notices, once again; his mask.) Pein slapped his forehead, and growled.
"Tobi, why the hell did you put our address in the damn Phonebook?!" He hollered. Once Tobi was about to speak, he extended a hand in front of his face, signaling not to go any further.
"Anyways, the government has found our address thanks to Tobi." Pein said Tobi's name with gritted teeth. He gave a thumbs up and continued to listen Leader-sama rant.
"And says we will need to be boarding a plane."
"To where?" Deidara asks, already knowing no one was going to ask that. "You mean like, vacation?" He shook his head in reply,
"We will be taking and learning in a Private School, it says." Pein read his paper silently. The group waited patiently as a few minutes flew by Hidan couldn't take the silence,
"Fucking school? Didn't I tell you that Hell I wouldn't go to school; I rather stay worshiping my god-damn Jashin!?"
"Quiet down, Hidan." Kakuzu simply commanded. He obeyed hesitantly, then quietly mutters under his breath to Pein,
"So, where the fuck is this 'private school' shit you're talking about?" He sets down the paper, looking at his group of infamous, stupid Akatsuki members.
"In the Americas--Basically the other side of the world." Others widened their eyes in bewilderment as other stayed silent, and one special person who responded,
"WHAT THE FUCK?!?!"
"I suggest you guys start packing right now; It says we have a reserved plane for us tomorrow morning, at 6 am." Pein exclaimed, while taking a sip that Konan made.
"WHAT THE DOUBLE FUCK?!?!"
"And Hidan--I suggest you shut up and get going." Sasori and Deidara took each of Hidan's arms, dragging him off to pack.
"FUCK!!!" Came the last yell before every door was shut closed. Konan sighed simultaneously with Pein as he took another sip of coffee.
"This was freshly brewed, Konan. What did you use?" Konan turned a shade of bright pink and exclaimed,
"Well, heheh… There was no more coffee beans, so I looked in the fridge and found this bag that belonged to Zetsu, but I guess he didn't want to use it, so I took it and brewed it with Hot water!" She finishes with a sheepish smile. Pein suddenly thought it was cute, and nice that She made coffee for him.
"So, what was that bag called?" He asked. She replied in the most simplest voice she could muster, as Pein took in another long sip of the coffee.
"Fertilizer."
He gagged on his beverage.
A/N: BWAHAHA! Well, my first Akatsuki story. It's coming fairly well ^^ Sorry if I made any of them OOC! That's just me! Hahah, that Rhymed! Okay Akane, stop being lame now… 6 dang pages and I enjoyed writing every word of it! Hope you can rate and review! It's inspirational and makes me keep going O3O. Thanks for reading the first chapter of Boarding School For Dummies!