Hey guys! Are you dancing? Are you pumped? BECAUSE HERE'S ANOTHER ONE SHOT! I think now that I've got Flugel Des Artzes out of my system I'm gonna stick with comedy for a while. I really hope you guys like this one shot because I'm pretty proud of it.
"Lucille, do NOT bite ya sistah! Dianne if you kick me one more time, LUCILLE, WHAT DID I SAY?! I told ya, ya have to be good when you meetcha uncles, they're-ALLRIGHT WHO GAVE ROSIE THA MATCHES?!"
Amid the commendable amount of noise, the phone ringing was the icing on top of the explosion of chaos. The man dashed to the phone, holding one little girl in his arms who was trying to claw his baseball cap off of his head.
"Yeah?" he answered, silently panicking as his oldest daughter struck another match and watched it go out, adding it to the growing collection of little charred wooden sticks. He couldn't make out what the woman on the other end of the line was saying as he snatched the matches away from Rosie and gave her a stern glare. "Sorry, Wanda, I didn't catch that," the man said, exasperated.
"Billy, I said there are two men out here to see you. I was wondering if I should send them up?" she repeated herself. "They don't know your name but they gave me your nickname from when you played baseball!" He could hear her smacking her gum as she rambled on.
"Yeah…baseball." The man muttered. "Send 'em up, allright? Send anyone up that acts funny or doesn't know my name, awright? Yeah, yeah thanks Wanda,"
Billy Thorpe surveyed his living room. It wasn't anything fancy, just big enough for him, his wife, and his three children. The apartment was a good one with plenty of kids to keep the rambunctious young ones occupied. It was Thanksgiving Day, and instead of putting up with his seven biological brothers…he had opted to dine with his seven other brothers. It had taken him all year long to track down at least half of them. It had been ten years since the war ended, and they had scattered abroad. Not surprisingly, Medic had been the easiest to find. And once he found Medic, Heavy turned up almost immediately. He just had to do a little research and make a few phone calls, and the famous plastic surgeon, Dr. Schmerz, was the first to be invited.
Engineer had returned back to Bee Cave to be with his wife, owning a successful chain of oil change and car repair businesses. Demo was drinking himself to death somewhere with all the money he had been paid for completing the war. They were all calmed by the fact that he wouldn't actually die. Redmond had forgotten to remove everyone's uber technology at the termination of their contract. Scout could still feel the metallic lump under his skin and its out-of- rhythm beating.
Soldier had made himself famous, and Scout saw him on TV regularly. He was a world-champion wrestler, nicknamed the "Screamin' Eagle" Dianne's face would light up whenever she saw him on TV, hollering filthy insults at his downed opponent while sweat and blood dripped down his face and brawny chest.
"Uncle Solly!" she would squeak, stumbling over herself to point a finger at the TV, looking to her father to make sure she was right.
"Yeah kid, dat's Uncle Solly allright," Scout grimaced and quickly changed the channel every time.
Sniper had been much harder to find. He had disappeared off the face of the earth, but Scout didn't give up. He eventually turned up, through the help of his parents. He had been living off the grid for the past ten years with no forms of human contact. If he was being honest, Scout was a bit nervous to have a feral bushman around his young children.
Then he would think of the time the scrawny Australian almost pissed himself when Scout put on Spy's balaclava and scared him one night while they were having a drink around the campfire.
He knew the professional's standards wouldn't have left his mind.
Spy had never turned up, which was unsurprising. No matter how much digging or how much searching Scout did, he knew the Frenchman could be anywhere, disguised as anyone. He gave up.
The doorbell rang and Scout's heart jumped into his throat. He gathered his three daughters in a line, silently begging them to be good. Scout braced himself and flung the door open.
The doorframe was completely filled by a body, with another shorter, grumpier body in front of it.
"Doc!" Scout exclaimed, pulling the older man into a firm embrace. In his younger years he wouldn't have been caught dead hugging another man. Medic hugged him back stiffly and pulled away, a smile on his face.
"Let me look at you," he said, his crisp accent bringing back so many memories. The time he literally stabbed Scout in the heart and sawed through him to free his beloved pet bird…the time Scout was face down, rear up on the operating table while Medic dug bullets out of his butt…the time the doctor lobbed a bottle of soap at Scout's head in the washroom with dangerous accuracy because he wouldn't stop making jokes about him and Heavy…
Good times.
"Vell," Medic clucked his tongue. "I don't zhink you can refer to us as old men anymore, Scout, because you're vone of us!" The doctor laughed, the high pitched sound more welcoming than Scout would have ever imagined.
It was true; Scout had aged this past decade. He had lines around his mouth and beside his eyes, not quite as agile as he used to be. His cartoonish nose and crooked teeth still set him back years, though.
Medic's graying sideburns had travelled up into his once pitch black hair, peppering it with flecks of white and silver. The lines in his forehead had deepened as well as his crow's feet, but other than that he looked the exact same.
"What have we here?" A low, rumbling voice asked as Heavy stepped in the door. Scout had almost forgotten about him. He was looking at the three little girls, having to tilt his head down so far his chin touched his chest.
"Right! I almost forgot! Girls, this is ya Uncle Medic and Uncle Heavy," Scout said, gesturing to the two strange men. The smallest girl removed her thumb from her mouth with a *pop* and stomped up to Medic.
"I'm Lucille and I'm three!" she said, her small face and mischevious eyes so akin to Scout's. Her poof of strawberry blonde hair, however, was not like her father's light brown scalp.
"She's a biter," Scout warned Heavy as he scooped her up. The bear roared with laughter and Lucille laughed with him, beating her rattle on his chest like there was no tomorrow.
"I'm Dianne and I'm five," the next tallest girl said, grinning with a mouthful of missing teeth. She had a sprinkling of freckles across her cheeks and soft ringlets of red hair that fell around her neck. "Uncle Medic, look, I lost this tooth yesterday…and this one a week ago, and-" Medic knelt down and humored the girl by looking in her gapped mouth, praising her with how brave she was to pull them all out on her own. Everyone shifted their focus to the tallest girl. Her soft, pale face reflected none of Scout's features, and neither did the mass of tight red curls that was piled on top of her head. She stared at Medic with wide, green eyes.
"This is Rosie. She doesn't talk," Scout said almost sadly, hoisting his daughter up. "We think she's like her mother," he explained.
"Like her mozzer?" Medic questioned, narrowing his eyes. When he spoke the little girl gasped and clung onto her father, but continued to stare at the doctor, her eyes going even wider.
"Oh, right," a wide grin suddenly broke out on his face. "You guys don't know yet…come on out honey, the guests are here. S'allright, you know these guys! It's tha doc and Heavy!" Scout called to a closed door. The door slowly opened and a face peeked out.
It was a woman, short and curvy with an absolute explosion of fiery red curls in an untamable mane atop her head. Freckles dotted her nose and emerald green eyes sparkled when she saw the two men at the door. She gave a slight gasp and ran full speed out of the door, colliding with Heavy, wrapping two strong arms around him and squeezing. The bear looked a little startled but hugged the woman back. Medic narrowed his eyes but accepted the rib-crushing hug she delivered to him.
"No…" he said in disbelief. Scout's grin only widened.
"Yes!" he proclaimed.
"Pyro?!" Medic questioned, his jaw dropping. The woman nodded vigorously and hugged him again, nuzzling her face into his neck. Medic saw the various scars covering most of her hands and a nasty one running jaggedly up the side of her neck. Pyro reached up and touched the side of Medic's face gently, looking at him like he was her dead parents. Scout narrowed his eyes. Pyro hated touching people with her bare hands. She suddenly looked at her daughter and took her from Scout, propping her on one hip.
"They're beautiful, aren't they?" She whispered to Rosie, her voice rasping in her throat as if she had difficulty talking. Rosie nodded slowly, not daring to take her eyes away from the doctor. Medic gave Scout a puzzled look. Scout cleared his throat.
"What's beautiful, sweetie?" he asked her patiently.
"His wings, of course," she giggled and it cracked in her throat. "You can touch," she told her daughter then glanced at Medic to make sure it was okay. He nodded slightly, utterly perplexed, but let the little girl place her small hand on the side of his face. She touched him lightly then drew back, giggling with her mother.
"She is like her mother," Heavy remarked, hoisting Lucille higher as she tried to wriggle away.
"The feathers used to be stained with red…but now they're as white as I always knew they'd be," Pyro said, smiling again at Medic. His eyelids fluttered with shock and he gave a small strangled noise. Heavy put a hand reassuringly on the small of his back to steady the doctor.
The doorbell rang again, accompanied with muffled yelling.
"Ye daft old fool, it's tha door down, not this one!"
"Call me old one more time and I am gonna shove my foot so far up your-" Scout flung the door open to Soldier grasping Demo by the front of his shirt. "Oh, hello Scout," Soldier said and slowly loosened his grip.
"Aye, boyo! So good ta see ya!" Demo's eye twinkled and he was immediately attacked by Lucille who jumped off of Heavy, arms outstretched in a flying suplex. The little girl wrapped her arms around his neck and he staggered dramatically, exaggerating a choking noise. "Yer killin' me, girl!" he proclaimed, grabbing the table for support. "Looks like you've go' one just like you," Demo said to Scout. "Now ye know what we had to put up with!" he winked at Scout. Or maybe he was just blinking. They still couldn't tell.
"Uncle Solly, Uncle Solly!" Dianne burbled happily, running up to him and hugging him tightly around his leg.
"What," Soldier said, lifting his leg up with the girl still hanging on tightly. "Is this?" he pointed to her.
"Soldier, this is my daughter Dianne. She's a big fan of yours," Scout added. Soldier looked down at the little girl with disdain and she grinned her gapped-toothed smile at him, emerald eyes twinkling.
Soldier melted.
"I guess you did have something to teach your kids then, son!" Soldier laughed out loud and picked the girl up, throwing her in the air and catching her again. She giggled as Soldier tucked her under his arm like a football.
Soldier hadn't changed at all. He wasn't wearing his helmet, allowing his flat nose and dark blue eyes visible to the world. He was still just as tall, just as burly, his grin still just as crooked. Demo, on the other hand, was sporting a slight gut and had grown a scraggly beard to accompany his mustache and sideburns he had always had. Demo turned to the doctor and Heavy, laughing and patting them on the back, joking with them about how old they've all gotten. "All we need now is Snipes ta join tha bachelor's party!" Demo remarked, starting a chorus of laughter to which he was the only member. "Unless…you two have gon' an' found yerselves a couple of right pretty gals," Demo said it nonchalantly, his eye sliding between the giant Russian and the stern doctor. Demo hadn't changed one bit. He was still the biggest gossip any of them had ever met.
"No, actually. Ve haven't settled down," Medic answered him, casting a glance at his large friend.
"I see," Demo turned to make eye contact with Scout who held up his hands in a gesture of innocence.
"Hey, I tried tellin' ya for six years," Scout said, stifling his laughter. Medic let out a frustrated sigh.
"You know vhat? Ve haff been fighting about zis for too long. I'm leaving it up for interpretation," he said haughtily, folding his arms. Scout raised his eyebrows, he and Demo sharing another knowing look.
The doorbell rang again.
Scout raced to it, flinging it open, casting his eyes down to look at the short man who had arrived.
"Howdy, partner!" Engie stepped right inside as if he owned the place, wrapping Scout in an unexpected hug.
"Engie!" he said, hugging the man who was old enough to be his grandfather "Or should I say…whatever ate the Engineer." Scout raised as eyebrow as his gaze perused his pudgy friend. Engie gave a short laugh.
"Being back at home with the wife…I'll admit I've put on a few," his overalls were tight around his midsection but his arms were still muscular and strong beneath his plaid shirt. "Sol!" he called out a greeting to his friend and Soldier put down Dianne who he had been giving a gentle noogie to see his friend.
"Dell!" a raspy voice drew Engie away from Soldier and he looked the woman over.
"I'm sorry ma'am, do I…know you?" the well-oiled wheels in his genius mind were turning as he studied her. She put Rosie down and ran over to him and hugged him. There was no mistaking the strong grip and the underlying scent of gasoline. "Pyro?!" he gasped in astonishment, hugging the woman back. That's why he had always felt unexpected curves when Pyro gave him one of her frequent hugs.
Those very unexpected curves.
Rosie padded up shyly with her hands behind her back, looking at Engie and giggling slightly. Engie didn't have to stoop very far to pick up the young girl, propping her on his hip. "Well hello there, little one! You look just like your mother," Engie said wistfully, toying with one of her many curls. Pyro leaned forward and poked her daughter in the side, making her giggle.
"Aren't his little ears so cute?" she whispered to Rosie and her daughter nodded, the grin remaining on her face. "Like a puppy," Pyro continued, looking at something no one else could see. Engie's face fell slightly and he hugged the girl closer.
"Does she…does she see the rainbows too, Py?" Engie asked his oldest friend. Pyro nodded slightly. "You're teaching her to be careful with them, right? Just like I taught you?" he asked her. Pyro met his shockingly blue stare with her emerald green one. She nodded harder this time, her lips pressed in a thin line. "Because not everyone likes the rainbows, remember?" Pyro blinked slowly. She remembered.
"What's fer dinner, Scout? I dunnae what ye Americans do fer Thanksgivin', m'afraid," Lucille had become bored of Demo and occupied herself with seeing how hard she could hit Heavy with her toy bat until it hurt him. So far he hadn't broken.
"Well, we're just waitin' on-"
"Waitin' on me, I suppose?" a familiar voice said from the doorframe. No one had heard the bushman enter. His voice cracked and rumbled low in his throat like he hadn't used it in a while.
"Holy crap! Legs!" Scout ran to him and wrapped his friend in a hug. Sniper didn't hug him back at first, just became rigid at the sudden human contact. Slowly, very slowly he wrapped his own gangly limbs around Scout and pressed the man closer to him. Everyone crowded the bushman a bit too quickly but he maintained his signature polite smile, saying his greetings.
All of his awkwardness dissipated when Lucille tottered bravely up to him and gave him an experimental whack in the knee with her bat.
"OI! YA LITTLE…mongrel," Sniper trailed off in his anger when he laid eyes on the little copy of Scout, minus the strawberry blonde poof atop her head.
"Are you tha big scary Os…ostarlan?" she fumbled a bit over the word but it didn't stop her narrowed eyes and the bat hoisted dangerously on her tiny shoulder. She was even mimicking her father's thick accent which hadn't let him at all.
"Yeah…yeah oi am!" Sniper grinned wickedly and the little girl put her hands on her hips, pouting.
"Ya not that scary," she pointed out. Sniper lowered his voice into a playful growl.
"See this scar?" he traced the deep gash BLU Spy had left him all those years ago. "Oi got this from a pack of woild dingoes tryin' ta get me dinnah!" he said, drawing his teeth back in a snarl, apparently replicating what wild dingoes looked like. "You know wot oi did?"
"What?" Lucille asked breathlessly, her eyes wide.
"OI CHASED THOSE MANGY MONGRELS OFF WIF MY BARE HANDS!" Sniper gave a mighty roar and took off after Lucille. She shrieked with laughter as the gangly man bayed like a dog.
Who knew Sniper was so good with kids?
After their little chase, he stood up, a bit sweaty and removed his faithful Akubra, nearly threads at this point. His once chesnut brown hair had a good amount of silver spread through the front and he ran a hand through it.
"Well…that's everyone," Scout announced. "Let's eat!" he clapped his hands together and the men cheered. The smell of the turkey had been getting to everyone and they were more than ready to dig in. Scout got Lucille in her high-chair after a slight tussle and she bit down on her plastic spoon, sticking her tongue out at her father. Dianne went calmer, putting her hands in her lap and tucking her hair behind her ears, looking to make sure all her uncles saw how well she was behaving. Rosie made sure she had a chair beside the doctor and didn't take her eyes off of him until Pyro told her that staring wasn't polite.
There was a light knocking at the door.
Scout quirked an eyebrow and every single man turned to look at the door as if it would magically open on its own.
"I'll uh…I'll get it." Scout stood up from the table and walked slowly for once over to the door. He opened it and looked in the eyes of the man before him.
Had Wanda sent up someone she wasn't supposed to?
His face was all angles. A jaw sharper than the doctor's, a deeply hooked nose, a scar running from his neck down into his shirt. His thin cheeks were slightly sunken in and he sniffed disdainfully as he regarded Scout with muddy blue eyes. His black and silver hair was slicked back severely, only adding to the harsh lines of his face. "You lost, buddy?" Scout asked politely and awkwardly. The man wore a three piece suit which was tailored to fit tightly over his skinny frame. He had the jacket off and draped over one hand.
The man made a scoffing noise in the back of his throat and rolled his eyes. Scout's brain slowly began to piece the puzzle together. The thin legs and angled, feminine hips…the cracked and nicotine stained hands…his yellowed teeth when he sneered at Scout.
"SPY!" Scout shouted. Every man in the room went rigid at the exclamation. The war had ended ten years ago but time could never eradicate the severity of that exclamation.
"Maybe you didn't recognize me without one of these?" Spy said coolly, reaching into his pocket and flicking out a lighter with skill, lighting the end of a thin cigarette he had produced from seemingly nowhere. He gave a few little puffs on it and continued staring at Scout, boredom written across his face.
"Geez Spy…I- come in!" Scout opened the door all the way and the thin man glided into the room, allowing his former team to see his face for the first time. Rosie flinched slightly when Spy entered, looking to her mother for help.
"I know he looks scary, but he always has a rainbow in his mouth, see?" Pyro whispered to her daughter, pointing to the smoldering end of the cigarette. Rosie nodded, delighted at the tiny wisp of color curling out from the dark entity's fangs.
Sniper's boisterous laughter broke the tension in the room.
"Yer just as ugly as oi always knew you'd be!" he proclaimed, tossing his head back at his own joke. Spy made a disgusted noise, regarding the bushman like one might regard a bit of dog poop on the bottom of an expensive leather shoe.
"And you're just as filthy as I remember," Spy retorted, removing the cigarette from his lips to blow a cloud of smoke. Everyone's gaze flickered between the two men like they were watching a tennis match.
"Oi! At least I can shower, yer stuck wif that face! No wonder you kept it to yourself!" Sniper banged his fist on the table, tears sliding down his face. Engie let out a chuckle himself and Medic tried desperately to hide his shaking shoulders.
"At least I don't have the constant reminder of how much I sucked at my job," Spy traced the side of his cheek, mimicking the placement of Sniper's scar. The bushman scowled furiously, rubbing his face self-consciously.
"Yeah…well…at least I'm not a poofter!" Sniper crossed his arms over his chest, satisfied with his remark.
It was Spy's turn to smirk.
"Actually…I've settled down. Or at least, as much as a Spy can settle down."
Sniper's face fell momentarily before he began sputtering out insults. "Oh, oh really? Oi bet he's real pretty, huh? Or is he a buff kind a guy? Are you the girl?" Sniper grinned malisciously.
"Zat's enough, you two," Medic said. Even though they were all fully grown men and hadn't been under the doctor's care for over a decade, his stern words were enough to silence everyone.
"Who is he, Spy?" Engie asked politely. Spy rolled his eyes.
"Despite everyone's accusations, I am not apoofter," he took his seat at the table, reaching into his pocket to pull out a faded picture. Demo grabbed it.
"Ye stayed with BLU Scoot's mum?" he proclaimed, his eye lingering on her thin hips longer than he should have. Spy growled and snatched the picture away.
"Yes. Don't believe every rumor you hear," he said, looking levelly around the table. His gaze came to rest of Heavy and Medic sitting close together. "Of course…zere's a bit of truth in every lie I suppose," he raised his well-groomed eyebrows. Scout snorted with laughter, covering his mouth with his hands.
"Ten years. Ten years and ve still can't haff VONE NIGHT vizout you two fighting and everyone questioning my sexuality!" Medic crossed his arms over his broad chest, scowling furiously at everyone. Everyone cast their eyes down at the table, the doctor's scolding all too familiar. Then he added quietly:
"Und I vouldn't haff it any other vay,"
All the men were silent, even Lucille quieting her angry gibberish for once. Scout groaned.
"And you're all still a bunch of sappy of fogies! Let's eat!"