Warning: This chapter will contain suicidal thoughts and a few suicidal actions.
Rating: This chapter in itself I don't think is rated R. Probably just PG-13, ... it will be rated R for later chapters, but the only thing in this chapter is whats in the warning up above.
The Problem With Love Is:
Chapter One: Alone In His Room:
Alone in his room, Harry sat. His mind filled full of stress and anxiety. His heart weighing in his chest but yet it was so empty and lost. He felt so hurt and scared. He felt left out and betrayed. Why did it have to be him, Harry Potter, who had such a screwed up life? But he didn't complain. He never complained, well, he never complained on the outside. He wore a mask. A mask that hid all of his true feelings, his scarred heart, his confused mind. But alone, one night, Harry let his emotions and internal pain get to him. As he sat in his four-poster bed he closed the curtains around him casting wards to silence and lock them.
"Lumos," he muttered under his breath.
He was instantly bathed in a dim, pale green, light. He looked over at his nightstand, silent tears rolling down his soft cheeks. He gently placed his shaking, cold fingers around the handle of a dagger. He slowly pulled the blade up in front of his face vertically, looking at his reflection on the blade. His deep emerald green eyes were now a pool of green with a slight fire in the distance.
The emerald fire, he knew, was his most wanted desire. Something he had longed for ever since he was old enough to remember. Something he had only had once, but in a different way. This desire was love. He had never felt loved by anyone but Sirius Black, but now he was dead. He had lost the only person whom he loved and was loved back by. He knew his parents loved him but they were dead as well. He had lost everyone he loved without even getting to know them.
All the smiling faces around him made him sick. Why were they so happy? What is there to be happy about? Why didn't anyone notice his misery? Why didn't anyone care? Why did know one care to look deep enough to find the true Harry Potter? The alone and scared Harry Potter. The Harry Potter that Harry Potter himself hated.
His friends all thought him to be happy. He acted like he was happy as I said he wore a mask. He laughed and joked and played around whilst on the inside slowly dying. No one cared to notice that he was suffering, no one cared to look deep enough into his eyes to see that his heart was lonely.
As Harry rolled back the sleeves to his long-sleeved shirt he began to cry, he thought about why he was doing this. It was because no matter how many relationships he had, he had never truly loved the other person and he knew he was never loved back. He knew that no one loved him; no one wanted to be with him for the rest of his life. He believed himself to be heartless for he, himself had found that he had never loved anyone.
Harry teasingly ran the tip of the blade up his arm shuddering at the cool touch. But there was someone. Someone Harry loved. Someone who made him hold on each day. That person alone was the reason Harry was still alive. He sighed deeply picturing that someone in his head. He rolled down his shirt sleeves deciding today was not the day; instead he rolled up his pants leg. He pressed the blade against the bare skin of his leg. He ran the blade up his leg watching as it pierced through his skin and drops of crimson tears rolled down his leg staining his sheets.
He laid back on his bed and slowly drifted off into a dream. Harry loved to dream. He loved the life that he had in his dreams, but he hated to awake because the cold hard lie of reality awoke with him and all of his dark feelings were once again thrown at him. But this dream was not a good dream. It was more like a nightmare. He could heard the Dark Lord hissing his evil plans to Wormtail, his evil plans to kill Harry Potter. In all truth Harry sometimes wished Voldemort would kill him. Just kill him and end his misery.
Harry awoke and shot up in his bed. He felt something stinging and piercing his stomach. He looked down and sure enough it was bleeding. He must have rolled over onto the dagger while he was sleeping. He quickly wiped the blood from the dagger, placed it back on his nightstand, and muttered a healing charm for his stomach and a cleaning charm for his sheets. He cast a cleaning charm on his leg as well but left the cut as it was.
He looked over at his clock and saw that it was 5:00 A.M. He rolled back onto his bed but couldn't get to sleep. At 5:30 A.M. he decided to take a shower and maybe do something he never does … study. He checked his cloths to make sure they were in order with no sign of blood. He took down the silencing and locking wards that he had placed on his curtains the night before and opened them. He slowly got out of bed and checked his sheets for any sign of his deep secret.
Satisfied that nothing was obvious he snuck under his invisibility cloak and made his way for the prefects bathroom. Yes, Harry Potter had been made a prefect for his 6th year at Hogwarts. He reached the bathroom and slumped in taking off his cloak. He looked around marveling at the beautiful interior of it and decided to take a bath instead. He needed to relax. He turned on the water very hot and the pool sized tub filled up quickly. He quickly undressed and slipped into the water. He laid in the tub a few minutes before opening his eyes and turning on some taps.
He picked to have bubbles that were pink and tasted of strawberries. He chose for the water to be scented of vanilla. He laid back once more and enjoyed the smells around him and the feeling of the hot water wrapping around his cold body. He heard footsteps on the floor getting closer and closer to where he was. His eyes snapped open and he shot up out of the water, wand in hand ready to hex whomever it was. A little squeak was heard and he looked down to see Dobby standing right beside his tub looking up at his wand in fear and shaking.
Harry lowered his wand and Dobby sighed in relief. "Dobby has come to clean the bathroom, sir. Dobby is sorry; he didn't know sir was in here," the little elf said with wide eyes.
"It's ok Dobby, I just wanted to take a bath I know it's early, it's not your fault," Harry sighed.
"Is there anything Dobby can do for you sir?" Dobby asked.
"If you don't mind I do need some shampoo from the shower over there. It has a special ingredient that helps my hair be more tamable. The shampoo over here doesn't," said Harry.
"Dobby gets shampoo right away," Dobby said rushing over to the shower and back with ten different shampoos falling from his arms. "Sorry sir, Dobby forgot to ask which one sir wanted."
"It's ok Dobby. Thank you for getting it for me, it's the one in the blue container," Harry said pointing.
Dobby quickly picked it up and handed it to Harry. He picked up all the other shampoos he had dropped and placed them back in the shower. "Anything else Dobby can do for you sir?" he asked.
Shaking his head Harry tried to lift his upper body out of the tub but found it rather hard. He tried again and managed to get to where just below his shoulders was still in the water. He reached towards the shampoo finding his arm to rather heavy. He picked up the shampoo and dropped it into the water. He dug down into the water picking back up, only for it to drop again.
"Does sir need Dobby's help?" the elf asked noticing Harry struggle to pick up the shampoo.
Harry shook his head and used both of his hands finally able to pick it up enough to put it back on the edge of the tub.
"Dobby, why is the shampoo bottle so heavy? Is this some kind of trick?" Harry asked peering at the elf.
"Sir, Dobby would not trick you," the little elf said taken aback.
"Oh, um, well could you come here and pour some shampoo into my hands," Dobby looked at him confused but did as he was told.
"Thank you," Harry said lifting his arm from under the water and opening it finding that it felt as though it was being pushed back down.
Dobby opened to shampoo bottle and held it upside down over Harry's hand he gave it a little squeeze and the shampoo began to pour into Harry's hand.
Harry's hand jerked down into the water as soon as the shampoo hit and panted slightly. Dobby looked at him questioningly. "Did Dobby put to much sir?" the elf asked innocently.
"No, you didn't do anything Dobby. It's just my arms feel so heavy and that shampoo felt as if it weighed a ton," Harry said looking confused.
"Is sir feeling well?" the elf asked.
"I'm a little tired, but yes other then that I feel fine," Harry stated.
"Would sir like Dobby to wash his hair?" Dobby offered.
"Well, it is in desperate need of a washing. I suppose so, if you don't mind that is," Harry said.
"Dobby does not mind to help you sir," Dobby said as he grabbed the shampoo bottle squirting it in his hands. He rubbed his hands together, and lathered it up just a tad and began to wash Harry's hair.
It felt a little odd having his hair washed by someone other then himself, like he was royalty or something, but he soon relaxed and drifted off a bit.
A slight tap on the shoulder and he turned his head around to come face-to-face with Dobby. "Dobby is finished sir," he said with his eyes getting wider, he was apparently pleased with himself.
"Thank you Dobby, I don't know why I'm so weak," Harry said trying to lift up once more only to fall back down.
"Should go to the hospital wing, sir does not look so well," Dobby said.
"NO! Err, I mean no thank you I feel fine," Harry said quickly.
"Does sir need Dobby anymore? Dobby has many bathrooms to clean," he said.
"Oh no, thank you Dobby, I can take it from here," Harry said. And with that Dobby bowed and left the bathroom.
Harry closed his eyes but opened them again and tried to lift himself out of the water once more. He quickly fell back into the water wincing a little as he hit his head on the side. His eyes began to go black and all of his senses seemed to die down. He thought he distantly heard the door open but as he looked over in that direction he only saw a small figure coming towards him before he blacked out.
TBC….
A/N: So far I am happy with this story and the way it turned out. I'm not sure, though, if I will continue it or not, I'll leave that up to reviewers. I've already begun to jot down some ideas on my notebook for the next chapter but I'm not sure if I will post it on here. So thanks for reading my stories and please feel free to send good or bad reviews. Please don't review if you don't like it because it's angst and suicidal there was a warning at the beginning saying it contained suidical actions and thoughts. I promise if I get enough good reviews I'll update it quickly.
-Melissa