Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers...sucks to be me!
Author's note: I recently had a couple of really bad weeks at work. I mean REALLY bad. After a particularly nasty day I was sitting on the train heading home, looking out at the sunset, headphones blaring, when inspiration hit...and this is the result. It's not meant to be serious or in-depth, and it's certainly not my best writing; it's simply me venting my frustrations. What better way than having the Decepticons kill a few people?!
101 Fun Things to do With Humans…
Number 1: Fists of Fury
Megatron looked with revulsion at the flesh creature quaking in the palm of his hand. He simply couldn't't understand how his hated nemesis could protect these disgusting insects, let alone befriend them.
A smile tugged at his lips as the creature began to wail, pleading desperately for mercy. He began to chuckle, his optics brightening sadistically as the cries became hysterical shrieks.
And suddenly there was silence; clenching his fist; worms of flesh squelching through his fingers like plasticine through a garlic crusher.
Number 2: Death Ray
Shockwave was perplexed. It was not like a Decepticon to do something nice for someone, so when a human had arrived via the space bridge with a note around it's neck reading "Shockwave, thought you might be bored guarding Cybertron all alone, so we sent you a pet", he couldn't't help but be suspicious. At first he wondered if this were some kind of trick, perhaps someone had hidden a bomb within the creature, however, after running a few scans he decided that it was unlikely it was going to explode and was left with the difficult question of "so what am I supposed to do with it?"
Making sure that the fleshling was firmly secured, Shockwave turned to his computer console and accessed the Cybertronian data-banks. Opening up the search engine, he input the word 'human', and began to flick through the hundreds of useless hits instantly appearing on the screen before him.
Shockwave approached the human and addressed it matter-of-factly: "Research indicates that Ultra-violet rays have an adverse effect on flesh creatures. As I am a scientist, I am going to run some experiments to test this hypothesis. Observe…"
Transforming into his alt-mode, Shockwave proceeded to bathe the human in high-frequency ultra-violet light. Following this, he placed the human in a large glass box and nurtured it, providing sustenance and a source of exercise (in the form of an oversized wheel-rim attached to a spindle). For days the creature seemed to thrive, albeit in an 'I'm going to hide under this box until you have your back turned' kind of way, however, before long, it began to display signs of ill-health.
At first, Shockwave had thought that the small brown spots appearing on the creature's flesh were normal, perhaps some form of seasonal display used to attract the attentions of the opposite gender for breeding purposes. These humans were a strange species after all. However, as the days passed the spots continued to grow, seemingly sapping the human of its energy as they did so. Then finally, one morning after performing his usual sentry duties, Shockwave approached the cage to make some further observations and found the human curled up in the corner, well and truly dead.
"Well, that wasn't as fun as I thought it would be…" he said to himself, before diligently returning to his work.
Number 3: 'The Ultra-sonic Waves Told Me to Kick You in the Shins' Game
"Megatron is about as useful as a smouldering pile of slag. If I were leader the Autobots would be destroyed and we'd be free to rule the universe. He has no idea, stupid fool practically gives his plans to Prime…"
Soundwave sighed silently to himself, he had heard this all before. Had it been another Decepticon ranting mutinously he would have been more than happy to listen to what they had to say, covertly recording every word for future use as blackmail material. But everyone had heard Starscream's little rants, including Megatron, thus his words were of no use and Soundwave found himself ignoring his companion. Boring…
He turned his attention to the human cowering pathetically on the floor beneath him. How he despised it; so primitive, so weak and fragile, he wanted nothing more than to see it dead. Unfortunately, having just been ordered to capture the creature by Megatron himself, it probably wasn't a good idea to kill it just yet. Or at least, it wasn't a good idea for him to kill it…but if someone else did it…well, that would certainly ease the boredom…
Soundwave surreptitiously depressed the 'play' button on his torso, watching with hidden delight as the flesh creature stood and walked zombie-like across the room to stand before Starscream. A look of fear contorted the human's face as it lurched forward and, taking a run-up, kicked the Air Commander in the shin.
Without so much as a glance down at the miserable creature, Starscream continued his rant, nonchalantly lifting his foot and stepping on it; crushing it underfoot like a cockroach.
"Ultra-sonics are fun…" Soundwave mused happily to himself, as Starscream suddenly realized what he had done.
Number 4: Wineglass Fun, Part 1
"Speak" Soundwave commanded, glaring down at the puny flesh creature standing before him.
"Uhh…yeah…got an order here for someone called Megatron," the human told him, looking down at a small clipboard in his right hand, "uhh…let's see, five hundred crystal wine glasses, just need you to sign here, and your payment details here…" he held the clipboard out to Soundwave.
"Decepticons do not 'order' and 'purchase' things," Soundwave told him, glaring down at the human and it's cargo with distaste. "If we want something, we take it. These glasses are not required. Dispose of them and remove yourself from the premises."
"Hey, don't shoot the messenger buddy, I'm just doin' what I'm told" the human retorted, raising his hands in self-defence.
Soundwave shot him anyway...
A/N: So the moral of these stories…don't piss me off or the lexicon will kill you…oh, and UV light is bad for humans, so wear sunscreen.
Love it? Hate it? Indifferent? Please let me know! If you've had a bad day and would like to get some revenge give me your ideas and I will write them up and include them. I have another 30-odd ideas ready and waiting, and think it would be cool to get this up to 101 deaths, even if it's a bit dodgy or politically incorrect!