A Bleached Christmas

Well, it's the festive season, so I'm writing a Christmas story, and a funny one. There will be dirty jokes, sarcasm, more dirty jokes, awkward moments and some Christmas cheer. This may span a few chapters...I'm not sure. But I hope you enjoy it, if you do, consider it a present for actually reading this. Then, as a present in return, give this story a review.

A crisp layer of snow frosted over the rooftops and the school students trudged through the thick snow to get to school. They wore winter uniforms mostly, but some had a moronic sense of pride and went in summer clothes.

An orange haired boy rose from his bed and ran a hand through his orange spikes. "Oh crap...what's the time?" He asked to no-one at all. Out of nowhere came a response.

"You're late!" A bright cheery female voice said.

The boy made a high pitched shriek and fell off of his bed. He rose angrily and stared daggers at the girl who crawled out of his closet, fully dressed. "Rukia, why didn't you wake me?! We need to get to class in ten minutes!!"

"I'm sorry." Rukia whispered sarcastically. "You looked so comfortable that I decided not to wake you."

"Well...why did you stay? You could have just left me. Now you're gonna be in shit as well." Ichigo rubbed the spot where his skull smashed into the floor.

"I always walk with you..." Rukia muttered, averting her gaze. Ichigo thought she was blushing, but was too tired to take much notice.

"Oh well..." Ichigo struggled for three minutes to get his pants on before realising they were the wrong way around and he was putting the wrong leg in. He sang a cheery string of curses before doing it right and then slipped a t-shirt over his bare chest. He leapt out of the window, rather than use the front door. It was dangerous, but if done right, would save a few measly seconds in the race to school.

"Shouldn't you eat something?" Rukia asked, a concerned expression crossing her face. The black bang which divided her face in two became specked in snow.

"I don't need to eat." Ichigo went silent for a few moments. "You need to get that dandruff checked." He pointed to her hair. Rukia growled fiercely and tackled him into the snow where they wrestled for some time until they were interrupted.

"Hey, love-birds! Save it for later!" A girl with spiky black hair and a muscular build strolled up to them.

"Tatsuke? Why are you so late?" Ichigo looked up with a face covered in snow.

"Well, I was taking a shower when I slipped and banged my head. I feel really stupid."

"What a surprise?" Ichigo muttered, only to be struck with her bag.

When Ichigo's nose stopped bleeding, they walked slowly to school. "We're late even if we run, so let's enjoy it." Tatsuke suggested happily.

"Ooh, rebel!" Ichigo used another sarcastic joke, resulting in another hit. After a few minutes of silence, the trio began to talk again.

"So, Rukia, what do you want for Christmas?" Tatsuke asked with a big smile. Rukia stared at her with wide eyes. She bit her lip and looked around as if the answer was written in the snow somewhere.

"Christmas...um...uh..." Rukia frowned and concentrated as hard as she could, forgetting the others were staring at her in confused awe. "What do you want?" Rukia chirped, forcing a sweet smile.

"Me? Well, I'm getting a sword. My parents said they would let me take up sword fighting once I reach black-belt in karate! But still, what do you want?" She persisted.

Rukia looked at her feet in silence and Ichigo spoke just before it became awkward. "I want-"

"Shut up Ichigo! I wasn't asking you!" Tatsuke glared at him and then looked at Rukia with a gentle expression. "Rukia what's wrong? Why aren't you answering?" She asked softly. Rukia sniffed several times and her mouth quivered. The others just watched her. "Huh? What are you...?"

Rukia bolted.

"Hey! Wait!! Where are you going?! HEY!!! RUKIA!!" Tatsuke ran after, soon followed by Ichigo.

*****

Tatsuke and Ichigo gave up searching after an hour. They dragged themselves to school and crawled up the stairs, exhausted. When they reached their classroom, Ichigo knocked on the door, but he was so weak that it was barely a tap. Even he couldn't hear it, so he did it again. It seemed that the second knock also failed to get attention.

"I see shadows under the door." Someone said inside. A shuffle of footsteps made Ichigo and Tatsuke stagger to their feet, making it just before the door swung open. Their teacher looked at them and sighed.

"What have you done now? You lot are always late, or absent, or running out of class. One day, I want to know why..." She said in a dark tone. The two truants gulped nervously. "But I couldn't care less right now!" Miss Ochi's head rolled to one side and she grinned widely. Ichigo and Tatsuke sighed in relief and limped over to their seats. They were accompanied by a chorus of whispers about possible reasons for their lateness, most of them were sexual.

Ichigo grunted as he sunk into his chair.

"Hey, where's Rukia?" A high voice asked. Ichigo turned to face a girl with long chestnut hair wearing a Santa hat. "Is she off sick today?"

"Um..." Ichigo tried to think of a reason, but even he did not know. "She...fell."

"Where?" The girl asked.

"Uh...down stairs..." Ichigo ad-libbed.

"Aww. Poor Rukia...Oh well, she will feel better on Christmas!" Orihime bounced on her chair as if there were springs in it...or she had worms, Ichigo thought, struggling to not laugh.

He ignored her and faced the front, actually trying to pay attention for once. Within minutes, it stopped. Ichigo watched the teacher walk out of the room, as well as the other students. It was then that Rukia walked in. She wore a seductive smile on her face which made Ichigo shift in his seat.

"Where did you run off to?" He asked.

"It's not important." She whispered in a husky tone which made him tingle. "I've got a present for you..." Rukia leaned over his desk and gazed into his eyes. Ichigo was unsure what to think. It was then that she threw herself on him and her tongue invaded his mouth.

"WHOA FUCK!!" Ichigo blurted out in an unusually high pitched tone, jumping up from his seat. He looked around and the class were all there, as well as the teacher...and Rukia was gone.

It was a dream...oh crap!

Ichigo crossed his legs and hid his face from the laughing crowd. He wished he were a turtle right now, able to hide in a protective shell. Not only had he been asleep in class, he cursed as loud as possible and nearly shit himself and now...he had an erection.

Ichigo's mind screamed at him, hurling curses. He looked around nervously and tried to stray his mind as far away from Rukia as possible.

It...is cold...very cold. Damn this is boring...this is lame...this...thing won't go down!!! Dammit!!

Ichigo cradled his head in his hands and continued to take his mind off of things. He began to tell jokes in his head. It was working a treat...until...until...

"Ha ha ha." He blurted out in a pitch so high that it could have passed for Micheal Jackson. The class stared at him with disgusted faces as if he had just thrown up over his desk, but right now he felt like doing so.

This is a really bad day! Someone just kill me-

"HA! Ichigo's got a hard-on!!" Someone yelled out so loud that the people in the street outside could hear. Uproarious laughter followed and Ichigo's face went so red it looked like it was ready to explode. He rose to his feet and ran out of the room, the laughter followed, echoing down the corridor.

Some members of the class followed, hurling insults at him. Ichigo turned to see how many followers there were, but in the short lapse of concentration, he tripped over. As he fell, one word came to mind.

Shit...

Ichigo's 'Christmas tree' crashed to the floor and instantly, he squealed like a tea kettle. Tears spurted out of his eyes and he let out a sustained, high pitched shriek. The noise alerted other classes and soon enough, a crowd had gathered around the orange haired boy who was curled into a ball grasping his crotch, sobbing pathetically like a toddler who had just let go of a helium balloon.

Unfortunately, the fall wasn't the worst part...because amidst his incoherent rants, he cried out for his 'mummy'. The laughter cut through him like knives and he screamed like a woman from a b-grade horror movie.

Ichigo, sick of being humiliated, rose shakily to his feet. He began to walk away, but his sore crotch made him collapse after a few steps.

After ten minutes, Ichigo could stand up well enough to walk away, but he had to lean against the wall otherwise he would fall.

Outside, away from the laughter and cruel jokes of the students, Ichigo limped home. As he crossed a road, his mind blanked and he lost himself in thought.

How could this day get any worse?

At that moment, a bright light crossed his vision and he turned to see a black car speeding along the snow-covered road. The brakes squealed, but it was too late. The car crashed into Ichigo and threw him five metres away into a pile of snow.

*****

Nearby, Rukia was sulking behind a bin in an alley. She heard the loud shriek of struggling brakes and a loud thud, followed by hysterical screaming.

She quickly got to her feet and rushed over to the black car parked in the middle of the road.

"What's wrong?" She asked the frightened driver who was biting her own nails to the extent that the were bleeding. She pointed shakily at a spot in the snow where a hand was sticking out. Rukia investigated and cleared the snow away to find Ichigo groaning and lying on his back. "Ichigo?!"

"Oh...what was that? Did I get caught in a stampede or something?" Ichigo asked. His eyes were shut, so he could not see Rukia's concerned face.

"It was a car...Are you okay?" Rukia asked while feeling the back of his head.

"Is that you Rukia?"

"Yes..."

"Why did you run off on us this morning?" Ichigo asked painedly.

"This isn't the time! You need to get to a doctor!" Rukia lifted him into a seated position.

"Why...did you run?" Ichigo muttered.

"I'll tell you later Right now we need to-"

"You're pretty." Ichigo said in a delirious tone.

"Oh, no! You must have concussion!" Rukia said as calmly as possible.

"What's your name little darlin'?" Ichigo asked in an American accent. His eyes were rolling about as if they were the googly eyes on plush animals.

Rukia lifted Ichigo like a baby and cradled him. Ichigo grabbed her by the collar and his eyes narrowed. "Whatever you do...protect my son!! Protect him!!" He yelled in another delirious rant. Rukia ignored him and walked over to the car where the driver was still looking around shocked.

"Um...could you drop us off at a doctors clinic?" Rukia asked.

"You're flat!!" Ichigo shouted. Rukia giggled nervously and made a false grin. The driver opened the door for them and let them in. The car drove off slowly.

A few minutes later, they were dropped off at the Kurosaki clinic. The driver handed them a wad of cash and said it was compensation. Rukia accepted kindly and then carried Ichigo inside. The house was empty. The kitchen sink was stuffed with dishes and a note was left on the fridge.

"Ichigo, have gone to see a movie, will be back late." Rukia read aloud. She felt Ichigo shivering in her arms and so she carried him upstairs to his room. His teeth started chattering so she set him down in the bed with the blankets over him. He smiled at her.

"You're allllllright!" He said in another American accent.

Rukia sighed and sat on the bed beside him. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Fight me!!" Ichigo started to rise but Rukia shoved him back down. Ichigo put up some resistance, making Rukia have to sit on top of him to keep the delirious boy down. After the struggle, Rukia's hair was messed up falling loosely around her face. She was panting and sweating slightly. Ichigo seemed to have calmed down, but was still shivering.

"Snow i-i-is c-cold...v-very co-c-cold..." He stuttered.

Rukia frowned. She was not a nurse, she had no idea how to make him feel warm, but an idea came to mind. She got under the covers with him and wrapped her arms around him. She hugged Ichigo and hoped her warmth would spread to him. It was more comfortable than Rukia imagined and she found herself falling asleep.

Aww. Some Ichi-ruki for christmas, isn't that sweet. But anyway, I hope you enjoyed that. Please review.