'These Make Me VERY happy'
By Ashywashy
Cas wasn't telling the whole truth. True, they make Jimmy happy, but not Castiel. The angel himself hungers for something else entirely.
Summary: set during My Bloody Valentine in season 5. Famine affects Castiel's vessel Jimmy, and his appetite for red meat. But the angel inside him isn't so easily satisfied. Castiel hungers for something else. Something harder to supply.
Author's Note: This was supposed to be a tiny little drabble one-shot to kick start my creativity. This has unfortunately turned into a monster of a drabble. I'm really sorry to all the people following my other story, The Life and Loss of Erik Lehnsherr. I'm just having a little bit of writers block at the moment. But I promise I'll update soon, school has been exhausting and time flies when you're busy. There just isn't enough hours in the day. So I'll get stuck into it as soon as I can.
So, a little info about this story. It takes place as Dean and Castiel are scouting outside the morgue for the demon that will lead them to Famine. From what Jimmy says to the brothers in The Rapture, it sounds like he was pretty conscious the whole time. And, I'm guessing angels don't really have a subconscious mind like humans do. So what if Jimmy was Cas' equivalent of conscience/subconscious. That little voice thingy that we argue with sometimes (or is that just me…). This is my first Supernatural fanfic. This is not beta'd, purely a little creative exercise that came from a tiny idea. It's my first openly slash fic as well. So PLEASE PLEASE review! Ideas, suggestions and advice for future stories extremely welcomed. But no flames please. Hope you enjoy it ;)
I Thank the Father that Famine doesn't affect angels, thought Castiel with relief as his vessel stuffed yet another White Castle burger into his mouth. He dreaded to think of what would happen if his real hunger was revealed. It was also lucky that his vessel had the angel to heal him from burger overdose. Without Castiel and thus the in-destructive quality of the 'meat suit' as dean so eloquently put it, jimmy would be long dead from the copious amounts of burger that he couldn't help but consume. Castiel looked at Dean, making sure nothing had happened to the friend sitting right next to him. Bad things always seemed to happen to Dean. I won't let that happen. I won't let his hunger, whatever it is, take him over.
Just like the Twinkie binge victim, Cas idly thought. Twinkie…what an odd name for an edible substance. Cas had never tried a Twinkie. When this is over I must ask dean to purchase some for me. After all, they must be good if that poor soul loved them so much as kill him self with excessive consumption of the treat, Cas reasoned. And even if I don't like them, I'll give the rest to Dean. Surely he'll like them. He will eat anything after all. The angel's forehead creased with worry. Although I can't risk Dean consuming too many. I must make sure to give them to him gradually, in carefully controlled portions. I don't know what I'd do if something happened to him.
Castiel looked over at Dean who was sitting in the drivers seat of the impala, pondering the correct amount of Twinkies to feed his best friend at any given time. And how long he should allow between each portion. He guessed that would depend on the size of the Twinkies. After all, he had never seen one before. I'll just have to cross that bridge when I arrive at it.
Stop thinking about them. Castiel ordered himself. Human confectionary is not of import at this point in time. Think of more consequential things.
But that was easier said than done. In all his millennia, Castiel had never realized how little control humans had over themselves. As he had watched from Heaven, he had merely thought that were so out of control because they wanted to be. Or at the very least, they had no discipline. Either way, they could do better, they weren't trying. It was only when he occupied Jimmy that he realized just how wrong he was.
It was Castiel's theory that the humans lack of control was due to the fact that they were such physical beings. They were often ruled by their bodies instead of their minds. They didn't even have to concentrate on keeping their physical form as angels did (not that it was at all difficult for them; they were made for that after all). The human genetic makeup was usually fairly static. This was the exact opposite in the angel's case. They ruled there bodies perfectly, with no insubordination possible on the body's part. After all, complete control and focus was a necessity for a sentient being as powerful as an angel. Immense control was required for the ability to manifest themselves into a solid and perceivable entity (and to ensure that the angel didn't kill, blind or deafen another being with their true form and voice), to occupy a vessel without destroying it and particularly to exist as a wavelength of celestial intent (as was their form for the majority of their lives). And yet, when an angel takes a vessel, he obviously doesn't have as much control over the body as he likes to think he does, Castiel observed as his body shoved another burger against the angel's will into his already full mouth.
Even the most insubstantial part of humans, their thoughts, had a physical control center (the mass of wrinkly, soft tissue they called the Brain). Their physical body had almost the same amount of control over them as their minds did. And the body and mind were almost completely different entities. An extremely imperfect design, Castiel pondered. But I can see why Father choose it, even with the clash of opinions between mind and body, they are capable of great things. Of course he COULD have made humans with a more seamless combination of body and mind. More…angelic. But who am I too question Gods work? After all, they wouldn't be human if they were anything different than a constant clashing of wills between mind and body. You are not really human if you have one without the other. They are two halves of a whole.
Humans are such a curious species. Fascinating, yes. But impossible to understand. Castiel sighed. He was confused, and confusion hurt his head.
Dean heard the sigh and turned to face the permanently puzzled angel. "Hey, what's up with you? Ran out of burgers again?"
Castiel frowned "No, I have a few more. I was contemplating the major, mind-boggling imperfections of the human race." He said, still munching on his vessel's favorite food.
Dean snorted, "You should really learn to think more positively Cas. It's healthier. Besides, if your thinking about all the imperfections of humans, you'll be thinking about them forever."
Castiel tilted his head to one side in that favorite way of Dean's. "You blame yourself for your nature?"
Dean looked uncomfortable "I just wish I was a better…well, just better"
Castiel frowned. "You shouldn't…beat yourself up…about your nature. It's how you were made. It isn't your fault."
The human looked frustrated "Thanks. Heaps." he rolled his eyes and looked away.
"Did I say something wrong?"
"No"
"Your facial expression says other wise. I didn't mean to offend-"
"Just leave it Cas!"
Castiel looked at the floor dejectedly. His brow furrowed in disappointment with himself.
"I've hurt your feelings. I'm sorry-"
"No. Nah Cas. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you. This Famine thing has me on edge. And I'm worried about Sam I guess."
"If it is any conciliation, I think you are a perfect human being Dean." Said the angel before he could stop himself.
Dean's eyebrows shot up "Er, right" he said, and looked the other way without another word. He awkwardly looked out the window blushing slightly. What am I supposed to say to that?
Blushing furiously, the surprised angel closed his mouth with an audible snap. He was just as shocked as Dean that he said that. How embarrassing. Where did that come from? Castiel was shocked not only because he had called his male best friend "perfect" but also because as he had said it, he realized it was completely true. Oh well, I'm allowed to give my best friend a compliment every once in a while, aren't I?
Castiel felt the heat in his face and looked at Dean again and, as usual, forgot to look away. He knew Dean hated it when he stared but the angel just couldn't help himself lately.
Dean was a fascinating person to watch. Castiel loved to watch humans go about their daily lives. While looking down from Heaven, flying overhead, or his perch on a tall building. To more human settings; like sitting on a park bench or walking down the street with the masses. But his over all favorite place to watch the world (not that he would admit it to anyone else) was from inside the impala (with Dean driving, obviously).
Castiel felt that he got the best perspective possible of the world from inside the old car. From it, he was able to see things how they truly were; the humans Castiel loved so much (and his three favorites), both sides to the supernatural world that the majority of humans called myth; the darker side, and the lighter side (the angels). Although he was beginning to have doubts about his brothers motivations and methods. But that is exactly why he valued it so. Because it allowed him to see the whole picture. In Heaven, or in the company of his heavenly family, he could only see their side, the righteousness of the war. He couldn't see the effect it had on others. He couldn't see that there was another way. From the impala's unobscured view, Castiel could see everything.
And out of all the things he loved to watch, Dean was his favorite.
Dean constantly performed seemingly pointless little actions. Such as tapping his thumbs against the steering wheel when he was bored. Singing along (if you could call that monstrosity singing) to a select few songs that he regularly played. They are probably his favourites, I should find out what they are called. And he always sung out of key. Castiel, at first, found Dean's voice grating on his sensitive ears. After all, he was accustomed to the heavenly voices of the angel choirs. Dean's new style of music took some getting used to, but he soon grew attached to his friend's habit. Castiel now found it endearing.
Castiel was startled out of his reverie as the subject of his ponderings suddenly stretched his limbs and opened his mouth as wide as he could; trying to draw in as much air as humanly possible. Yawning, Dean had explained to him once. Humans did it when they were tired. Although Dean didn't know why. They just couldn't help it. Yet another decision made by the body, noted the angel.
What an adorable action, he thought; his head tilted to the side, as he watched Dean relax back into the well-worn leather seat of his beloved Impala.
Stop it. You're growing soft Castiel. Maybe the humans are starting to affect you. He chided himself for loosing focus of the case at hand. Where is that demon? The alcoholic Coroner's soul was still in the building. So why hasn't Famine sent someone for it?
For a while he managed to keep his focus on the building while munching constantly on his burgers, surveying the street, the people walking by, making their way towards their hunger. Castiel's gaze yet again shifted to Dean; not moving, just intently watching out for the demon. As I should be doing, he reminded himself.
The angel then sensed another being close by. A tall skinny woman was walked past the car. She wasn't human, she definitely wasn't an angel, but she wasn't a demon either. That much was obvious from her aura. He could feel it, reaching out for others. Hunting. As she cast out her aura in search for prey, she brushed against the angel's radiating Grace. Her head whipped sideways to stare at him in fear. Castiel stared back. She is of no immediate danger to us, he decided. And she obviously isn't a demon, and thus irrelevant to the more important task at hand. I'll track her down later, when this is over. I'd better make sure it doesn't come back to hurt Dean.
Castiel looked at his charge again. I wont let anything harm him. He has been through enough already. And he will go through so much more. More than we have any right to ask of him, or throw him through when he refuses. Sure it was necessary. IS necessary still, He corrected himself. But it isn't right. When his job is done, his life spent, he will rest (much deservedly) for eternally in the fields of the lord. The best slice of heaven is already reserved for him. He deserves that…and so much more. Castiel tried to ease his doubts to no avail.
He suddenly realized that something was wrong with his vessel (he refused to use the term "body"). His heart was beating too fast. His breath was shallower than usual. It felt as if a bottomless pit had opened up in his stomach. What is this? He wondered as he became aware of sweat beading on his forehead. Your panicking, said the voice in his head that he always associated with Jimmy. How odd. He thought with puzzlement. Castiel has always used the image of heaven's reward for someone as a comfort. It had always soothed his doubts, aided his conviction. Why is it no longer working? He wondered.
He came to the conclusion that it wasn't the thought of Dean in Heaven that cause the angel to worry. It was the thought of him dieing, again, that made him panic. That's irrational, he told himself. I would just bring him back again.
Maybe famine is effecting me after all…but that's absurd, it doesn't effect angels. And besides, I don't hunger for anything.
That's not true, his internal voice said, Compared to humans there is nothing more starved than angels. You don't need anything… sure. But you do WANT things. You miss home, Heaven.
Of course I do, he replied. It's perfectly normal to miss one's home. Particularly if your home is one as glorious as Heaven.
True, but you miss home and your siblings more than ever and the only thing stopping you from flying home right now is Dean.
Also true, Castiel admitted. Dean needs my help, protection, me…his angel. He thought the last part quietly, so that he barely registered it himself, let alone Jimmy.
But why are you so willing to give him your help? Give up everything to help him?
Because I love him. Castiel answered his internal voice with total conviction and without hesitation.
He gasped. So famine IS affecting me. He turned to stare at his object of devotion. The angel was shocked; he had never addressed this, that he loved Dean. Dean was, after all, in constant danger. Any moment he could get injured or killed. Or worse, say "Yes". It was inappropriate and inconvenient for everyone. Most of all Dean and Castiel himself. So he had buried it, ignored that particular fact, as was the Winchester way.
Dean heard his friend gasp and turned to check on the disobedient angel. "Hey, you ok Cas?"
He tried to ignore the warmth in his chest as he registered Dean's use of his human nickname. I can't tell Dean. He was certain of that. He has enough to deal with already.
"Cas? What's wrong buddy?"
"Nothing…I…I ran out of burgers" He stuttered. It was true, even though it was a deceptive thing of him to do, he didn't know what else to say to his best friend. Dean rolled his beautifully big, green eyes and looked back towards the building.
For all the things the angel knew that humans wouldn't hope to comprehend, he didn't have a clue weather or not this feeling would ever go away. But he did know that it would stay for quite a while…
No I definitely can't tell him, at least not yet.
As this realization struck him, Castiel for the first time in his long existence felt a crushing disappointment unlike anything he had ever felt. He wanted so badly to tell Dean, for acknowledgment that he wasn't the only one who felt this way. This was almost like finding out that God had abandoned him to the apocalypse. Except there was no anger here, he couldn't do anything about it, but at least he would get to stay with Dean and Team Free Will, for as long as he lived. That would be enough for now.
With a flutter of wings, a rush of air and no warning to Dean, he took flight. To calm his emotions, for peace and quiet away from his tumultuous thoughts and emotions, to give himself time to compose himself, and most importantly: To go and satisfy his hunger for White Castle burgers.
Well? What did you think? Was it ok? Come on…Show me some love. You know you want to.
I hope you all have a wonderful few days till I see you next 3
All my love to all of you,
Ash