Underwear, Tea Kettles, and Kung Fu Fighting
Ranma ½ to Rock the Ages
As we enter the reliable Studio Thirteen, where all bad parodies are being made nowadays, we find Wizardmon filling an inflatable swimming pool. Willis, who seems to enjoy showing up and being the emcee for these things, skipped merrily over to our resident magical monster.
"Hi Wizardmon! Whaddya doing?"
The digimon with the garden hose glanced up at the overly exuberant boy and went back to filling the pool.
"What does it look like I'm doing, fool mortal?"
Willis gave a childish giggle. "Well I know what you're doing, but what are you doing it for?"
"The author's ridiculous fanfic. It was quite unpleasant using all that magic for one story last time, so I had water from Drowned Something-or-Other Springs shipped in for the authentic effect."
Willis nodded. "So…everybody who's a Ranma cast member will actually turn into the stuff they're supposed to when hit with cold water?"
"Exactly...except for Ryoga and Shampoo since we have animal extras for them."
Another childish giggle. "Wait until Matt hears this!"
~*~
The Cast(Important, Yes.)
Ranma…as portrayed by Matt
Akane…she'd be Sora
Ranma's Father Genma…the Infamous Boss Reo
Akane's Father…Izzy, Ace of Spies
Upperclassman Kuno…the one and only Tai
Ryoga…the lovable T.K.
Shampoo…everyone's favorite Mimi
Cat-Shampoo…played by Gatomon
P-Chan…that'd be Patamon
Happosai…Davis, because he's Davis
With Random Digidestined as Other People
Martial Arts Training by Ken Ichijouji and Henry "Lee Jenrya" Wong
Narration by Gomamon
Extra Effects by Wizardmon
Produced and Directed by Lia and Nicki
~*~
Meanwhile, in Martial Arts 101, Ken was sitting back and watching as Matt, dressed in his Anything Goes uniform, was sparring with Henry.
"All right, Matt. Let's see if you can flip me *cough old timer cough*"
Matt glared at him with the patented Ishida Glare™. "I heard that. I'll have you know I've flipped people (namely Tai) long before you were even an inkblot on a storyboard, boy."
They bowed out of respect and Terriermon kicked a nearby gong. Matt ran at the blue-haired Tamer boy, who was making wild gestures and grunts similar to his Digi-Modify motions. Two seconds later, Matt was on his back, on the mat, staring up at the fluorescent lights.
"You'll never be ready for this parody in time," Hank said, clucking his tongue.
"Moumantai!" Terriermon added from his corner. Matt groaned.
Just then Reo, wearing the Anything Goes uniform of Ranma's father, appeared over the defeated bishounen, glaring down at him.
"You dishonor me, son."
Matt glared at his business partner. "I'm not your son, Reo. I just play one on TV."
"That's what they all say. Lia's looking for you. Said she's gonna bust your a** in if you don't get moving."
Matt groaned again, getting up off the training mats and limping off towards the studio. Ken and Henry exchanged glances.
"He's never going to make it through this fanfic."
"Nope. Maybe I should jump in now and save him the pain."
"But didn't he take judo?"
Ken shrugged. "It was probably just a rumor or a mistranslation."
Well, Henry took off to go do…something Henry-ish. Probably hide from me. Actually, I don't despise Henry as much as the others. I don't like Takato because he's too perpetually cheerful. I don't like Rika because she's got too much of an attitude and she looks like a Misty clone and I hate Misty more than I hate Yolei or Fuu, which is a lot. Jeri is…eh. She scares me. Anyone who talks to a sock puppet should be avoided. Ooh, and I figured out, she sounds like Fuu! Or Fuu sounds like her! Kazu and Kenta are just too weird. I mean, that whole bathtub scene with Babamon and Jijimon? Hello? Can we say bizarre? So, that leaves Hank. I can deal with him. And Ken is going to plunder the CD collection to find some decent music, since he has nothing really to do other than spar with Matt in between takes. Which is probably good, considering how terrible a martial artist Matt's shaping up to be.
~*~
"You want me to do what?!"
Lia nodded, examining a clipboard handed to her by Willis. "You have to get doused or else the whole Ranma purpose will be defeated. Now hurry up, we're behind schedule."
Matt scowled. "I refuse to do this. Ken can take my part."
Sora bashed him upside the head with a teakettle. "You're doing this fanfic or so help me God I'll kill you!"
"Oh no you don't, Red. I'm the only one around here that gets to kill him!" Nicki snarled, shoving the actress aside. "Now get in that water or I'll give you a beating that'll bruise your ancestry!"
"You're kidding, right? I'm not letting you turn me into a--"
Nicki gave him a hard shove and Matt went down into the relatively deep inflatable swimming pool, coming up drenched and sputtering and a full-figured female.
Davis blinked. "Whoa. Matt, you're…absolutely gorgeous."
"Shut up and hand me the teakettle."
Wizardmon was grinning underneath that stupid cowl of his. "Drowned Girl Spring Water, worth every drop."
"All right, places everyone! Somebody get Matt the hot water! Gabumon, hit the lights! Roll cameras! Gomamon, cue narration!" Lia hollered as the set was cleared off and the fanfic was finally underway.
~*~
"Underwear, Tea Kettles, and Kung Fu Fighting, a Ranma ½ parody from Kawaii Li'l Lia Productions is brought to you by the Alliance, the letter sigma, milk, and generous donations from readers like you…which we never see. This is a parody and the author hasn't seen much of Ranma, so Ranma fans, quit with the pulling of hair and the gnashing of teeth. And now, let us join Ranma and his father Genma as they arrange Ranma's marriage to Akane."
"WHAT?! There is no way I am marrying some…some girl I don't even know! You're out of your mind. If you think I'm going to agree to this you're…"
Reo held up a bucket of cold water. "Care to retract that statement, or should I just start calling you Onna-Yama now?"
Matt started grumbling under his breath as he and his 'father' made their way to Sora's house.
Just then Shadowmon randomly appeared on the sidewalk.
"Hi everybody!"
"Get out of our fanfic, Shadowmon. You have no reason for being here."
"Yes I do! I have an awesomely awesome…and a not so awesome…announcement!"
"You're going away forever?" Reo asked.
Shadowmon pouted. "That's so mean. No, I wanted to say that Nicki's stopped eating pins in the basement and come back from her Dragonball Z-phase to love us again! Well, love everybody but you, BakaYama. That, and she now owns Alan."
"Who's Alan?" Matt questioned.
"Alan is Alan, now GET BACK TO WORK!" Nicki shouted from offstage.
The door swings open, and Izzy is standing there, looking overjoyed.
"Ah, you must be Yama, come to marry my little girl! Come in, come in!"
Matt eyed Reo suspiciously. "Did you spike anything on the buffet table?"
"I'll never tell. Now get going, son."
"I really hate you."
Sora and her 'sisters,' as played by our corps of extras (Yolei and Kari) were seated around a table, Sora serving tea. The guys sat down on a couple of extra unoccupied pillows, Matt and Sora staring at each other. Yolei started screaming.
"Ow! Sora, watch what you're doing! You just poured tea into my lap! Sora!"
Izzy gave a hard nudge to Matt, leaning over and whispering, "Ranma and Akane aren't supposed to like each other."
"Is it my fault they cast Sora as Akane?"
Reo sighed. "Nobody's going to do this manga right, are they?"
And with that, our scythe-toting author dropped a bucket of cold water on Matt.
"REO!" he hollered, trying (but failing miserably) to hide his *ahem* feminine physique.
Kari covered her hands with her eyes. "That's disgusting! I didn't need to see that!"
A bucket of cold water was dumped on the Infamous One, replacing him with a very large, very perturbed panda.
Sora watched as the teenage girl and the panda chased each other around her living room, one screaming obscenities, the other writing them on a small whiteboard with dry-erase marker.
"And I'm marrying into this family?" she asked, twitching and sweatdropping.
The blonde girl stopped in her tracks. "This is ridiculous. I'm out of here."
And with that, Onna-Yama took off somewhere, shaking her head and muttering things to herself.
Izzy smiled nervously. "Heheh, um, well…so, I hear that Yama of yours is a great martial arts master…heh." Panda-Reo said nothing, because he's a giant panda that doesn't say anything.
~*~
Meanwhile, Onna-Yama was changing out of her clothes, off to take a long, hot shower. Takato, Kazu, Kenta, the boys of Season Four and any other teenage/preteen boy not really doing much started catcalling the Digidestined of Friendship as she (yes, she) started removing said articles of clothing.
"Would you cut that out?! Just because I'm girl doesn't mean you can take advantage of me like that! There are laws against that kind of stuff!" she hollered, yanking the shower curtain shut behind her. At this point Kari appears on camera.
"I'd like to point out that all of this has been censored by the FOX Kids censoring department. Should you the viewers actually end up watching this, it'll probably be cut from the episode altogether because of the kiddie demographics."
Just then Sora entered the bathroom and started getting ready for her own long, hot shower. The seasons 2-4 boys started snickering loudly as the dear little redhead went to open the shower curtain.
"Oh man, what an afternoon. What with that Yama boy and all. Hmph," she sighed, pulling the curtain open. Onna-Yama glanced up quickly, then down again when she realized that she was no longer a she anymore. Sora yelped and covered her eyes, turning quickly. Matt blushed furiously and ducked behind the curtain.
"You could have warned me!" they shouted at each other in unison.
"I didn't hear you come in!" Matt protested.
"The script didn't say anything about this!" Sora moaned.
Offstage, Nicki was grinning viciously. "That was your daily humiliation, BakaYama. A little punishment for teasing me about my babysitting job on Anime Night."
"You know, I was seriously considering marrying you. Now I'm having second thoughts!"
"Oh, it's not like any of this is my fault, but I'm just going to wait until the next scene to explain myself, because I still have to rinse this conditioner out."
~*~
Matt, Panda-Reo, and Sora's little family met around the table for more tea, really strong tea, as the young blonde began his twisted tale of transgender-ness. Panda-Reo scribbled something on his whiteboard and showed it to him.
"No, I'm not turning you back. It's your fault Sora doesn't like me anymore."
Reo rubbed out his previous message and wrote something else.
"I don't care if you're my father…hey wait, you're not my father! You're just here because you hang out with Lia too much."
Izzy started drumming his fingers on the coffee table. "Are we getting to the story or not?"
Matt nodded. "Yeah, sorry. All right, it's like this. My father owns the Anything Goes school of martial arts, and I'm his, um, student teacher, I guess. So we decided to go train in China…because…well, I don't know, I haven't seen enough of Ranma. Yeah, so we go train in China and it was one gruesome training session. We're standing on bamboo stalks over a bunch of springs in the middle of nowhere sparring, and he happens to lose his footing and fall in. And a giant panda jumps out of the water and goes back to smacking at me. It isn't until I fall into another spring and come up minus a few things plus a few other things when this guy shows up. He reminded me of that chicken seller from Medabots. He tells me that I've fallen into the Spring of Drowned Girl, and my father's fallen into the Spring of Drowned Panda. Whoever falls into these springs turns into whatever drowned in them with a splash of cold water, and hot water turns us back. And we've been like that ever since. It really sucks, you know?"
"And there's no way to change either of you back to normal like permanently?" Yolei asked. Reo scribbled something down on his whiteboard and held it up.
There's the Spring of Drowned Man, and we've been looking for that for ages. Nobody seems to know where it is.
"Couldn't you have jumped into all of those springs until you found the right one?" Kari inquired.
"And turn into something worse than a girl? No thank you! Besides, like the panda said, we couldn't find it. If only I could get back to China…"
Izzy folded his arms across his chest and shook his head. "Oh no. You're staying here in Tokyo and marrying my little girl."
Sora grimaced. "Ugh, I'm not marrying him! Especially not if he can turn into a girl with a little cold water!"
Matt made one of those adorable little depressed expressions. "Sora, you don't really mean that, do you? I thought you loved me."
"Ew, don't make me throw up."
Back in her chair, Nicki, who's a Taito purist and thinks Sorato is nauseating, was all smiles. Lia's not a happy author, but she still thinks Matt makes a very cute girl.
~*~
"Well, the next day Sora and Yama head off to school, seeing as how they are still teenagers. But, of course, everybody loves Sora, so things may prove interesting for Yama…"
Like the Gomer said, every available male extra was making eyes at Sora. Especially Tai, who's playing Upperclassman Kuno, this really beefy, well, upperclassman.
"By beefy I hope you mean macho!"
Whatever. Yeah, so he was following Sora around, and so was Matt. Poor Matt. Sora's still on outs with him. Well, at one point Tai and Matt have to run into each other, don't they? Oh, yes, they do.
"Hey, you!" Taichi snapped, leaning against a doorframe. "Just who are you to be following Sora around? Don't you know she's mine?"
Matt glared at his archrival…well, archrival/best friend, but in this instance archrival.
"Yama…damn. Reo! A last name would help!"
Reo, still a panda, scribbled something onto his whiteboard from offstage.
Use Ranma's last name, because like hell I'm telling you mine.
"Stupid panda. I'm Yama Saotome, Sora's fiancé. And you are?"
"Upperclassman Taichi. Wait…Sora's fiancé? Sora Tendo? And you?!"
A/N: For the sake of the fanfic, Sora's been stuck with Akane's last name. Kay?
Again with the patented Ishida Glare™. "Yeah, you wanna make something of it?"
"You bet I do, you scrawny, pathetic excuse for an underclassman!"
Matt leaned over to Tai. "That had better be in the script or you know I'm going to kill you."
"Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Meet me in the schoolyard after school. We'll see if your reputation as an Anything Goes fighter is any good."
Backstage, Ken and Henry were cringing. Tai had done far better in training than Matt, considering that Tai is a seasoned athlete and Matt is…well, Matt. Tai would end up wiping the floor with Matt, and then all Ranma-ness will have been tossed out the window. Sora, despite still hating him, ended up eating lunch with her 'fiancé.'
"Upperclassman Taichi challenged you to a fight? You better have good medical insurance."
"I'm not going to lose, Sora. You can come watch me win you back."
Sora folded her arms across her chest. "Hmph. I'd do better fighting against him."
"Kami-sama, what do I have to do to make you love me again?"
"Nothing," the redhead said haughtily. "So you better hope Lia has a very open social calendar."
Matt nearly started crying. "But she doesn't!"
"Then that's your problem."
Meanwhile, offstage, Mimi, Palmon and Biyomon were having a serious conversation. Well, about as serious as the three of them can get.
"Gee, Sora's being really mean to Matt," Biyomon pointed out.
Palmon frowned. "Please tell me she's acting, Mimi. I mean, how many times did you have to kick Matt in the kneecaps until he asked her out?"
"Seventy-two kicks, Palmon, combined score. They're not breaking up unless I say they're breaking up."
Elsewhere, Yolei was hatching another evil Yolei-ish scheme. And trying to undermine new girl Izumi to help her pull it off, because she's afraid of Rika and Jeri is too whiny.
"So, here's the deal. You get the keys from that loudmouthed brunette, and I change the cast list for the show. Then I can be Shampoo and not Mimi and I can get a shot at Matt."
"Why would you want that? He's doubly taken, a good couple of years older than you and Mimi's your mentor," Izumi pointed out in a heavily Italian-accented dub voice…because I don't think there's such thing as Italian-accented Japanese. Hey, quick thought. What are they going to change her name to? Izzy? Toei's really screwed things up for Saban, haven't they, by naming her Izumi.
"It doesn't matter! I'm the love-crazed genius around here, it's my job to lust after the majority of the male portion of the cast. Besides, I'm sure I'd get some interesting reactions if it was attempted…wait, is there even a word for a me and Matt pairing?"
"Not that I know of."
Junpei, also known as Fat Boy, was sitting in the corner reading Tarot cards ala Hitomi.
"The cards say you trying to screw the author over is a stupid idea."
Can we get back to the parody? Thank you!
~*~
Matt was waiting outside for Tai, Sora standing back and watching with amusement. She knew he was going to get whipped, but she thought it would be fun to stand there and laugh went he went down. Yes, she still hates him. And she's got a teakettle again as usual, because she's Akane, and Akane usually has a teakettle handy for no real reason. Of course, there's going to be a reason in a few minutes.
"Yama Saotome, are you prepared to fight for the heart of Sora Tendo?" Tai asked, poised in your atypical Karate Kid stance. Izzy and Panda-Reo were sitting somewhere in the back of the set, watching as well. Both of them placed their money in Veemon's gambling pool…most of which is against Matt. Actually…I think all of the pool bets are against Matt.
"Bring it on, Taichi."
Two seconds later, Matt was airborne. He hit the back wall with a thud, then slid down into a nearby fountain and came up as Onna-Yama.
Now, Tai has yet to see Matt as Onna-Yama. Thinking he won, our big-haired leader strolled over to Sora, who's shaking her head in disgust at her would-be fiancé.
"So, Sora, what did you think of that? Pretty impressive, huh?"
Sora rolled her eyes. "Taichi, go away. You know I could easily take you down, and if you don't get away from me I will."
"You're just playing hard to get."
Just then Onna-Yama appeared, eyes narrowed. "Upperclassman Taichi, you picked the wrong day to mess with the Saotome family."
Tai turned, eyes growing wide at the sight of Onna-Yama. Her hands went up into fighting stance, jaw set as she focused on the task to come.
"Whoa. You're absolutely gorgeous. Far prettier than Tendo here. I don't understand how somebody from that Saotome kid's family could be so beautiful."
Sora was glowering, Onna-Yama was glowering, and Tai was wondering if he had just been set up. The buxom blonde let out an Escaflowne-reminiscent war whoop, charging at them at full-throttle. She leapt clear over Tai, smacking his shoulders as she did so, so that he ended up on his back on the ground, somersaulted onto the table, snatched the teakettle out of Sora's hands and leapt into a nearby tree. From there she just vaulted from branch to branch, teakettle in hand, looking for a safe place to retreat to and return to the proper gender.
"Wow," Sora commented.
"Wow," commented everybody in the audience.
"Oh man," commented Lia and Nicki, who nearly dropped their popcorn.
"Holy…" Ken and Henry commented.
"Whoa," commented everyone else.
Tai sat up, watching Onna-Yama retreat into the trees. "Who was that Tree-Borne Kettle Girl? And what's more, is she single?"
~*~
Sora stormed into her 'house,' slamming her books down onto a bench set by the door and marching into the living room. Matt was seated at the coffee table with Izzy, Reo, and the girls, a towel slung around his neck.
"You just had to go and make a spectacle of yourself at school, didn't you? You just had to challenge Taichi and end up making me look bad, didn't you?" she snapped.
Yolei smiled, pouring her a cup of tea. "Now, Sora, calm down. I'm sure a nice cup of tea will make you feel all better."
Sora leaned over to Kari. "Why's Yolei being so nice all of a sudden?"
Kari grinned, whispering back, "Junpei threatened to eat her if she acted up."
"The perks of having an anime fat boy handy."
On the other side of the table, the guys were having a little intimate conversation as well.
"Izzy, please do something about Sora! I don't want her to hate me," Matt hissed.
The auburn-haired genius shrugged. "I can't help you. She's your girlfriend."
"But you're her father!"
Reo shook his head. "Son, you're just going to have to face the facts…"
"I'm not your son! Or your daughter! So cut that out!"
"Then if you're not my child, it won't be incest if I…"
"KEEP YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM ME, PERV!"
Yolei frowned. "Speaking of which. Sora, have you noticed how light the laundry whites have been lately? Where's all the underwear?"
Everyone glared at Matt.
"What?! What?! You don't think I've been taking your bras and stuff, do you?"
"You do turn into a girl, Yama," Sora stated pointedly.
"I'm not a pervert! I have no need for your lingerie!" he cried.
Kari narrowed her eyes. "You better be telling the truth or our father will go down into the basement and shut off the hot water in the house permanently."
"I. Don't. Steal. Girls'. Lingerie."
Davis started slinking by the room while everyone was too busy squabbling with each other to notice. Over his shoulder was slung a large bag, a very large bag indeed. He was almost home free, snickering quietly to himself as his hand went to the front doorknob. Just then a lone Victoria's Secret G-string, black, fell out of the bag and landed quietly on the floor. Matt suddenly rose and flew over to Davis, grabbing him by the collar and lifting him clear off the ground.
"You put those back, now," he hissed, giving Davis a couple of shakes for good measure.
"Put him down, Yama, it's all right. That's just Daisuke, the old perverted geezer who shows up on a regular basis to flirt with girls far younger than he and steal their underwear and such," Izzy explained.
"I don't care! He has no right…"
"Just put him down and let him go!" Sora barked. Matt sighed and tossed Davis aside.
"Yama Saotome, you will pay for your impertinence!" Davis shrieked, shaking a fist and darting out, still with his bag of lingerie.
"Yeah, sure, I'm gonna pay. I think I've paid enough with this whole Onna-Yama crap," he scoffed, fiddling with a loose lock of hair that fell out of his little ponytail. Suddenly the door burst open and a fairly tall, lanky blonde boy wearing a yellow-and-black bandanna entered the house.
"Saotome! At last, I've found you!" he shouted, shaking a fist.
Matt groaned. "Oh, of course my life has to get worse! Nothing can ever go right for me, can it, Lia?"
"Nope!" said author cried from offstage, popping a handful of jellybeans into her mouth and grinning.
Matt grabbed T.K. by the ear and started dragging him outside.
"Ow! Cripes, let go! Ow!"
Matt grinned at the girls. "I'll be right back. I've got to attend to a little, um, business."
Once outside, the elder of the Ishida/Takaishi household let his brother go. T.K. was glaring hostilely at his sibling.
"Saotome, you'll pay for what you've done to me! You ruined my life!"
Matt shook his head. "Ah, poor deluded Takeru. Always jealous because I'm better than you and you know it."
"Shut up! Just shut up, Saotome! I followed you all the way to freaking China to get even with you for humiliating me, and do you know what happens? Huh? Do you?"
"It wouldn't have to do with water, now, would it?"
T.K. grabbed a nearby garden hose and turned it on, hitting himself with the water. It fell out of his hands, spraying wildly around the yard before completely drenching Matt.
"Damn," she muttered, since she was back to being Onna-Yama for the next scene. However, where her rival Takeru once stood, there was now a pig in a yellow-and-black bandanna.
"I'm not a pig!" Patamon shouted.
Onna-Yama smiled. "Yes, you are, and I can prove it. P-Chan is a pig. You are, until further notice, P-Chan. Therefore, you are a pig. Now shut up, P-Chan doesn't talk."
Onna-Yama picked up the 'pig' and carried it into the house, whistling happily.
"Sora, hey, I got you a present!" she declared, offering P-Chan to the redhead.
Sora eyed her suspiciously. "How did you turn back into a girl?"
"Mishap with the garden hose. But really, I found this cute little pig, and I thought you might like him for a pet. I named him P-Chan."
Sora hugged Patamon. "He's so cute! Oh, I love him so much!"
Right about now, if this were really Ranma ½, P-Chan would have a nosebleed seeing as how P-Chan is really Ryoga and at this moment he is clamped to "Akane's" chest in a hug. Patamon, being Patamon, could care less. I'm sure if Patamon were really T.K., which he isn't because T.K. was cleverly replaced by Patamon in a moment of Wizardmon-induced effect, T.K. would be bleeding everywhere.
"So…do you like me again, Sora?" Onna-Yama asked, widening her big baby blues in order to look more innocent and lovable. Sora just snorted and started walking off.
"You'll have to do better than giving me a pig, Saotome. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go give P-Chan a nice hot bubble bath."
"No! Don't!" Onna-Yama cried. "I mean, eh, cold water is much better for a pig. Trust me, if you give P-Chan a cold water bath, he'll have a much glossier coat and he'll look less scruffy."
"Scruffy?! Scruffy?! Who you calling scruffy, you androgynous freak!"
Onna-Yama gave the orange ham a patented Ishida Glare™. "I wouldn't talk, or else I tell Sora what you really are, Takeru."
"Touché," Patamon mumbled, being carried off to be rinsed and shampooed. Speaking of the latter…
~*~
Well, we decided that right now would be the ten-minute espresso break, so it is. Lia is grumbling to herself, confiscating Izzy's laptop to write many papers of term-ness for her insane teachers. Everybody else has decided to crowd around the Season Four kids, because they're just so damn cool. I mean, for Salamon's sake they turn into digimon! What's cooler than that? And, what's even better, they're just like 01-02, only not!
"Well, Takuya, you certainly look like a goggle-boy Digidestined leader. What else you got?" Tai asked.
Takuya, who wears goggles and a hat, grinned. "I play soccer, my digimon Agnimon vaguely resembles Wargreymon, and I've got relatively spiky hair."
Tai and Davis nodded. "He'll pass."
Matt and Ken, being our official loners, were carefully scrutinizing loner 04, Kouji, who looks like the lovechild of Matt and Hiragi from Mon Colle Knights.
"According to the sources, Kouji is indeed a loner, he has some issues with his father, his digimon is Wolfmon…" Ken listed.
"He's already awesome in my book because of that. Thing looks like Metalgarurumon."
"…and he's got the eyes."
Kouji glanced at the camera. Oh yeah, blue and slanted. He's pegged as official season bishounen.
Izzy and Joe, much to their chagrin, had to interview Junpei. The cast's afraid of him, since he's the fat boy and we all know there is no such thing as an anime fat boy. Or rather, there was no such thing as an anime fat boy. There goes the neighborhood.
"The cards say you'll ask me about myself. I have an insect digimon, Blitzmon, I'm kind of the guardian of the group, and I know much useless trivia. And I wear a jumpsuit."
Izzy and Joe exchanged nervous glances. "Okay…um, we'll be going elsewhere now…"
The girls were all crowded around Izumi, seeing as she's the only girl in the entire series that we know of.
"Yeah, so I lived in Italy for a while before moving back here. I've got this really cute hat, and Fairymon is my digimon, she's totally kicking, and I'm really outspoken. But I could use some friends."
"And you look so much like me when I was that age!" Mimi giggled.
Kari was grumbling. "Why doesn't Angewomon look as cool as Fairymon? It isn't fair."
And finally, Cody and T.K. were sitting with Tomoki, because they were the youngest in their respective seasons. Tomoki could barely see out from under his giant Ascot-ish popover hat.
"Don't even say a word, Cody. This one's all me," T.K. snapped.
"What?! What do you mean?"
Tomoki nodded. "I'm really smart, my big brother is mean to me, I'm a crybaby and I have a giant teddy bear with a machine gun for a digimon, that's Chakmon. In three words, T.K. season one."
Cody shuddered. "That whole 'bear with a machine gun' thing intimidates me."
"And that, folks, was your introduction to Digimon Frontier. They're coming out in Japan in a month, we don't get to see them until the fall and even then, Disney owns their souls. Scary, isn't it?" Nicki mused.
"If Gilbert Gottfried plays Chakmon I will die," Lia added. "Now get back to work!"
~*~
Well, it's another lovely day in the Tendo house. Of course, every day is something new for the cast of this Ranma parody. Matt and Sora are continually stalked by potential lovers of both sexes, including Upperclassman Taichi and his sister Hikari the Black Rose, who will not appear in this fanfic due to length, the scary gothic kid who follows Akane around, the chick with the spatula who Ranma was 'accidentally' previously engaged to but his father neglected to mention, Takeru/P-Chan, and even the scary geezer Daisuke. So, our cast right now is on the couch, watching a tape of Rayearth2, or at least the ten minutes' worth of previews before it.
"Remind me never to watch Jungle De Ikou," Sora grimaced, fast-forwarding.
Matt grinned. "Why, cuz that girl has watermelon-sized…"
"Hey! The box says Presea has a dead twin sister. What gives?" Yolei interrupted.
Izzy, who knows the answer because he played Ascot, was about to explain when the door burst open. A girl, better known as Mimi, was standing in the doorway in a little martial artsy kind of uniform…only pinker and reminiscent of Mei Lin of Card Captor Sakura, seeing as how Mimi paid our costume tekkie (Sora) huge money to get it like that.
"Aha! At long last I've found you, Yama Saotome!" she cried happily, doing a little dance.
Matt paled. "Oh cripes."
Sora hit the pause button right in the middle of the Gestalt preview (mmm…Olivier) and stood quickly. "Wait just a Yokomon-loving minute. Just are who are you, and what do you want with him?"
"I am Mimi, Amazon Warrior Princess. And he is to be my husband."
"Wait, when did I agree to this? I don't think I ever said anything…"
Mimi smirked. "You didn't have to."
Izzy groaned, shaking his head and taking a handful of popcorn from the bowl Reo was holding. "I suspect we'll be having another flashback now."
"I was the undefeated warrior champion of my Amazon tribe. However, one day this snooty little blonde bimbo and her panda came waltzing into our village. She challenged me to a fight, and I accepted. It was the first time I had ever lost a match, and according to Amazonian customs she, the winner, had to die. The little snot-rag beat it out of there faster than you can say Saks Fifth Avenue. So a few days later Yama Saotome and his father come into the village and he challenges me to a fight. I lost, again. I really think my biorhythms were off that week. Anyway, according to Amazonian customs, because he defeated me, I am to marry him."
Yolei snorted. "Whoa, so if a girl beats you, she dies. And if a guy beats you, you marry him. Does that seem a little unfair?"
"I'd hate to think of what happened if you lost the fight," Kari mumbled.
Matt was trying to figure out how to beat a hasty retreat before Mimi realized that he and the 'blonde bimbo' were one in the same. Sora glared at Mimi hostilely. Sparks were flying…bad sparks. Not good sparks.
"Listen, you. My father dragged him and his father all the way here so he could marry me. If my daddy wants me marrying Yama Saotome, even though I think he's a creep, I'm marrying Yama Saotome!" Sora shouted.
"Sora, you're so cute when you're angry," Matt sighed.
"Shut up."
"Oh no, you don't! I challenge you to a fight to the pain!" Mimi countered.
"What's 'to the pain' mean?" Tomoki asked of Cody in the audience.
Lia tossed over a copy of The Princess Bride. "Definition's in there. Have fun."
Sora accepted the challenge, but first slipped into the kitchen and returned with something she was holding behind her back. Kari pulled a gong out of the corner and struck it. Mimi flew at Sora with a nasty kick, shrieking like Umi Ryuuzaki. Sora merely took a step to the right (put her hands on her hips and bent her knees in tight…) and dodged the flying pink girl.
"Ha! You cannot win, Mimi, for I have the power of…Aquafina!" Sora laughed, pulling out a bottle of water and squirting the girl with it. Mimi screamed, running around like a thing possessed. In her wild splashing of Aquafina, Sora accidentally nailed Matt and Reo, both of whom looked highly displeased afterwards. P-Chan, still a pig, gave a snorty little laugh from his pillow in the corner. And where Mimi had fallen there stood Gatomon.
"See? See? This is that horrible girl's fault! She challenged me to a fight at the springs, and I fell into the Spring of Drowned Cat! When I find her, I'm gonna…" Gatomon stopped, glaring at Onna-Yama, who was just innocently sitting on the couch and minding her own business. "…KILL YOU!"
"Huh?!" she gasped as Gatomon came flying at her, full throttle.
"Lightning Paw!"
Sora yanked a frying pan that had been conveniently placed on the unlit burner off the stove and tossed it to Onna-Yama. She caught it, holding the cast-iron skillet up in self-defense. Gatomon's head connected with it and she fell to the floor, little stars (clovers and blue moons) circling her head. Kari shrieked.
"AUGH! You killed Gatomon!"
Onna-Yama put down the frying pan. "Did not. I just knocked her out, she'll be fine."
Kari picked up her slightly dead-ish cat and hurried offstage, screaming that she would 'tell Tai on her.'
"I'm gonna go take a shower," the cute blonde girl sighed, getting up from the couch.
"Can't," Izzy said. "Somehow Daisuke broke the water main and now the neighborhood has no hot water."
"Oh."
Sora smiled shyly, wiping her hands on a dishtowel and reentering the living room. She sat down next to Onna-Yama and resumed the movie.
"I emptied a bottle of water into the teakettle. It should hot enough in a few minutes."
"Thanks. And thanks for saving me from that psycho cat."
"Well, like it or not, you are my fiancé, and I kinda owed it to you for getting Upperclassman Taichi off my back."
Onna-Yama wrinkled her nose. "I wonder how long it'll take him to figure out that Yama Saotome and his Tree-Borne Kettle Girl are one and the same."
"Um, I know that you're a girl right now and all, but if we…well, um, what I mean to say is…" she leaned over to kiss her and…
Yolei squealed. "Ew, gross! Yuri Sorato! TMI, TMI!"
A/N: TMI stands for 'Too Much Information,' the catch phrase of my sisters whenever someone says something deemed yucky.
Both of them blushed and got back to watching the Rayearth-ishness of Rayearth. Panda-Reo and Izzy were sitting in the corner with P-Chan, discussing 'fatherly' things.
"He's not my father!" Onna-Yama cried.
It's about freaking time they started liking each other, the whiteboard read.
"Too bad it's the end of the fanfic," Izzy replied.
Just then the door burst open and in walked Joe and Davis, Davis now looking more like a decrepit old woman than a decrepit old man.
"I am Jyou, and this is Mimi's grandmother…er, Cologne. We have come to challenge one Yama Saotome to a fight to the death for the honor of my darling love Mimi!"
Onna-Yama groaned. "I thought Mousse wasn't going to be in this! Why couldn't the fanfic just end all happily like it was gonna?!"
Gomamon coughed loudly into the mike. "Are you done whining, woman? Yeah, so the groovy Ranma Saotome and his baby Akane Tendo would have a whole lot more shagadelic adventures, sometime in another episode of Ranma ½! Oh behave!"
~*~
"That's a wrap, people!" Willis cried happily. The cast cheered, tossing their scripts into the nearest paper shredder. "…Report back here next week for Rayearth Two."
Everyone groaned loudly. Onna-Yama was standing around idly as everyone went off to do things and such. Nicki, who's been depressed again as of lately, stopped mid pin-swallow and stalked her way over to her.
"What are you doing, BakaYama? The show's over, go home, get away from me."
Onna-Yama shot her a patented Ishida Glare™. "I'm not going anywhere until somebody takes the Ranma curse off of me."
Wizardmon, who was in the middle of drinking a pina colada, choked upon hearing her words. Lia was standing right there.
"Wizardmon…"
"Heheh, yes?"
"You do have the cure for the Ranma curses, don't you?"
Wizardmon sweatdropped. "Oh, look at the time. I'm going to the Sam Goody down the street to camp out until the Harry Potter movie comes out on video. Goodbye!"
"WIZARDMON, GET BACK HERE! I'M GONNA KILL YOU! WIZARDMON!"
Junpei was sitting in the corner, reading Onna-Yama's tarot. "The cards tell me you'll be in a screaming rant in about ten seconds."
Tai, Kazu, and a few others suddenly popped up behind her, begging that she be their girlfriend.
"Are you sick?! Do you know what you're saying?! For the love of Garurumon get away from me! LIA! LIA! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"
And in the background, Reo and Malcolm Ishida were standing against a wall, smoking.
"Our son has issues," Malcolm sighed.
"Eh, ship him off to Nancy. Besides, right now he's our daughter anyways."
Calumon randomly bounced onto the set, giggling insanely. "This is a fun show!"
~*~
The end.
I'M STILL A GIRL!
Well…um…maybe if the readers review you'll turn back.