Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (but that doesn't stop me from dreaming!)
It was dark and I was driving on a dirt road. My shoulders were sagging and my chest was heavy. I was on my way to my fathers house for his birthday and I knew that I'd have to act happy. Like what was hurting me wasn't hurting me.
I looked over to the dashboard and saw a picture of him. My boyfriend. I loved him so very much. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, remembering my love for him. That always seemed to make the pain lessen. Even if only for a moment. I opened my eyes when I heard a loud honk and headlights were in my face. Before I knew what was happening the car slammed into me and my vehicle was sent reeling. I did my best to control the wheels, but to no avail. My side of the car smashed into a nearby tree, knocking me unconscious.
When I awoke I was in a hospital room with various things attached to me. I groaned and felt pain wrack my body when I tried to move. I glanced over to my left and saw my father sitting there. I felt this thing in my chest, but ignored it for the time being.
"D-Dad?" I croaked out. My throat was so sore.
"Light honey?" That voice… It was familiar. I turned my head and saw my mother standing in the doorway, holding a cup of coffee.
"Mom." I answered. She dropped the cup and ran to me, quickly pulling my stiff body into a hug. "Ouch!" I hissed lowly. She apologizes an gently laid me back down. I looked at her tears stained face and she smiled back at me. "Dad?" I asked.
"Oh! Oh yes I should wake him!" She swiftly walked over to my dad and shook him gently. "Soichiro?" She said gently. I watched him slowly open his eyes and look at his wife.
"Mm? What is it?" He asked. She beamed back at him and pointed to my. I lifted my hand and waved, despite the pain.
"Light!" He said, jumping to his feet. "Light, are you okay?"
"I'm a little sore and honestly not looking forward to all the school work that I'm gunna have to make up." I chuckled lightly. My father stared intently at me, as though he'd just seen a ghost and was inspecting to see if it was an illusion or not. "Did I say something weird?" I asked. They didn't answer me.
"Light, you don't go to school anymore." He said each word very slowly.
"How long was I out? I mean, I know I am a senior, but there's not way I was gone for two whole months." I said, disbelievingly.
"Sachiko, please stay with him. I'm going to go get the doctor." My father said before speeding out of the room.
"Mom? What's going on?"
"Oh Light…" Was all she could say. I hit the button next to the mattress to sit up and get a better look at her.
"What is it?" I asked, more sternly this time. She just looked at her feet. The feeling in my chest swelled and I figured it was nervousness. I swallowed thickly and counted the seconds until my father returned.
My father came back, none too soon, with the doctor at his side.
"Ah! Mr. Yagami, I see you're awake!." He said, his blonde hair flowing with each step he took. I nodded and stared at the scar on the side of his face. It looked like a burn mark.
"I am Doctor Keehl, it's a pleasure to finally get to speak with you." I nodded.
"You're my doctor?" I asked. He looked so very young to be a doctor, though the scar did add to his age..
"One of the very best." He assured me. He pulled up a chair and sat next to my bed after checking my IV. "So Light, could you tell me how old you are?" He asked, pulling out a pen and a clipboard.
"Eighteen." I said, a little confused. Shouldn't my dad have told him that?
"Mhm… And do you remember the crash?" He asked. That was something I hadn't even thought of. I focused hard.
"Not really. I just remember honking an a bright flash… Is the other driver alright?" I asked worriedly.
"Few scrapes and bruises. Nothing to concern yourself with." He continued writing. "Light, how are you doing in school?" Were these questions really relevant? Light saw no use for them at all. What was this all leading to?
"Well, finals are in like a month. So, I still have some studying to do, but other than that, fine. Night school is going well, too." I said.
"Okay. I hear you're a really smart boy. Study often do you?"
"Everyday." I answered.
"Could you please tell me where the theory of gene splicing originated from?" I blinked at him. What the hell was all this anyway? Was he just screwing with me?
"RNA and the creation of protients, though, gene splicing two different species is impossible without killing both of them... Gene splicing is where one strand of DNA, that had once been two, breaks off from the original. It then breaks down into exons and introns. The introns are useless, and the exons are what will actually be used in the new strand... I sthat enough?" I explained. Was he filling out his homework or something? Seriously...
"You really are a bright boy. I was just making sure you were processing things correctly." I assume he said that because of the look I ws giving him. "How is your head feeling?" Finally, a question that made sense.
"It's throbbing. And I have this weird feeling in my chest… and… butterflies in my stomach. I suppose that would be the best way to describe it." I nodded, satisfied with that explanation.
"Ah… Well, from your parents have told me, and all the information you just gave me, I've got three things to tell you. Good news if you were only out for a few days and you passed your final! Bad news it there appears to be some brain damage. You have slightly memory loss. You aren't eighteen, Mr. Yagami. You're twenty-three." What?
I looked to my dad, waiting for them to all start laughing and say that it was a joke. Not a single one of them moved and inch. My doctor headed out. "I should give you guys some time. Mr. Yagami, I'll schedule in a brain scan for you so we can tell you exactly what's wrong." Just before he reached the door he turned to look at me. "Oh, and Mr. Yagami? That feeling in your chest… It's love." And then he was gone.
"What?" I said aloud, not fully grasping anything that the blonde man had so nonchalantly said. My mother was in tears and my father was shaking his head.
This was real.
It had been a few months since I left the hospital. The doctor had told me that there was indeed slight brain damage and memory loss. He said the damage was minimal and, with enough sleep, would eventually repair itself. He didn't know if the memories would return or not though.
My dad said that I didn't have a girlfriend, so I had no clue where this feeling of love came from. Somehow, though, I knew it wasn't a girl. In my dreams I could hear a male voice saying that it loved me. I knew. I just knew it had to be the person I loved.
I just didn't understand… If I loved him this much, and he loved me… Where was he? Why wasn't he there at the hospital when I woke up? What if something had happened? I assumed that I'd been hiding it from my family, since they didn't mention a boyfriend, so I couldn't ask them anything… It hurt.
I'd gone back to my house and there were no signs of him. No love letters, no photos, no emails. Nothing. I convinced my father to allow me to continue working at the police agency under his super vision. We didn't tell anybody about my condition either. I had to study all of my old cases though. And my old textbooks from college. I went to college… I wonder if that's where I met him.
Life had been strange to adjust to at first, but after a few more months had passed, it became normal. None of my memories had returned and I still knew nothing of the man I loved, but life was working.
I had a few friends at the agency, who sometimes came over. Kyosuke Higuchi, Teru Mikami and Matsuda Touta. Teru had made several passes at me, but I kindly rejected them all. I felt like I'd be betraying the man I loved.
He had to be out there somewhere. I wonder if something horrible had happened to him. I would lay awake at night, thinking of many different scenario's where he would come home and explain everything to me. My favourite was this:
Light Yagami would sit at the living room coffee table, eating another TV dinner. His boyfriend was the one who knew how to cook. So, he'd sit and stare mindlessly at the TV. When suddenly, there'd be a knock at the door.
"Well now, who could that be?" He'd ask, getting to his feet. He would walk over to the door sadly and open the it. Suddenly Light's eyes would glow and he'd gasp. "I-It's you…" He'd breath. The mysterious man would smile cutely at Light and walk into their shared house. He kiss Light gently on the lips and Light would shove him away.
"Just where the hell have you been?" Light would growl out angrily, masking his nearly unbearable joy.
"Sweetheart? Don't you remember?" He'd ask, in a voice that could send shiver down Light's spine. "I was in the war! You're the one who took me to the airport, right before your fathers birthday party." He'd say. Then Light would explain his memory problems and the man would apologize over and over for not being there. Light would say there was no way he could've known.
He'd smile, as a huge weight would be lifted from his shoulders.
"I love you." He'd say joyfully.
"I love you more." His boyfriend would say warmly, kissing Light they would smile at each others. Light could feel the warmth in his chest radiating to the rest of his body. So warm and comfortable... It would be paradise for both. To finally be togather again. Though, in the back of his mind, Light would be dreading all of the war stories that were sure to come.
It was an enjoyable fantasy life, one I wished so much to be real. I had a knowing feeling, if this man could be with me at the moment, he would be. It's so hard for me to ignore this desperate longing I feel in my heart, but I feel it. It's so very painful…
A full year had passed and I'd become severely depressed. Nothing I did helped anymore. I found myself ignoring my three friends, which really hurt Teru. I stopped frequenting my father's house so much.
I know that they all care about me, but I couldn't handle their patronizing stares anymore. I had to stop going around them. I found myself blaming them. Claiming that they knew all about the man I loved and simply wouldn't tell me for some reason. I never voiced such wild accusations, but I felt them.
Every night I had the same ritual.
I'd turn out the light, crawl into bed, curl up next the body pillow I'd bought, and say goodnight, followed by I love you. It was a terribly sad thing to do, but pretending was all I knew how to do anymore. Nothing else could make me smile as much as acting like my boyfriend was there in my life. Everymorning I'd do something similar. One particular morning I took it a bit farther.
"Mmm… Morning sweetheart." I said, stretching my legs and arms. I looked over to my boyfriend and kissed his cheek. I stood up and imagined the he'd stood up with me. We smiled at each other and walked into the kitchen.
"What would you like for breakfast?" He asked me. I scratched my head, deep in thought.
"May I please have you for breakfast?" I chuckled out. He rolled his eyes at me.
"A plate full of sugar, coming right up." He smiled cutely at me. I scowled.
"You're not as sweet as you think. Anyway, how do pancakes sound to you?"
"Blissful." He responded. Pancakes and waffles were his favourite because of the syrup. He really enjoyed sweets. I just knew that. There were little things that I remembered about him like that. I knew he liked sweets, his smile was cute, he sat funny, though I couldn't remember exactly how, and that he loved me. And, of course, that I loved him.
I'd been so happy that morning that I found myself continuing the habit. I eventually found myself talking to my non existent boyfriend on a regular basis. Everyday, whenever I was alone. I'd talk to him. Sometimes tell him about my day, or just ask what movie I should watch, mundane things like that. It may've seemed strange to an outsider looking in, but it made me feel so happy…. So warm.
However, I slipped up. One day I accidentally did it in front of one of my friends at work, and they told my father.
I have a feeling that it wasn't because Soichiro was my dad, but because he was my boss. I'm guessing they thought that I was delirious and that I would make some poor decision on a case. I suppose they thought that I could accuse an innocent man. I knew that I was extremely good at my job, despite lack of memorable training. I knew that they were all fairly certain that I could make an innocent man look completely guilty.
That's when my father came to me, worried. It was awful Everybody had good intentions, they were all just concerned about me. But they messed everything up.
"Light, can I speak to you for a moment?" My father asked me, a concerted hint to his voice. I set my pen down, completely forgetting about the form I was filling out.
"Sure, dad." I said and following him out into an empty hallway.
"Light, one of your co-workers came to me today with a concern about you." He said cautiously. I lifted a brow. I hadn't done anything wrong and, at the time, I had no clue that anybody had overheard me talking to my boyfriend.
"Really? Well, I'm fine dad! Don't worry!" I smiled at him. He looked relieved.
"Good. They said that you were talking to some guy, saying that you loved him. When there was no guy or such love." He chuckled lightly. I cringed. Somebody had heard me.
I didn't particularly fancy lying to my father, and I thought, maybe he'd be understanding and tell me that he really did know something about the mystery man.
"Well, dad… Truth is, I am in love with a guy…" I said carefully, watching his reaction. He made no expression and his eyes gave way to nothing.
"Well, what do you mean Light?"
"Remember when the doctor said that I was feeling love? Well, he was right… See, I have these flashes of this guy in my dreams… I know that they are memories!" I said earnestly. "It's true, I pretend to talk to him sometimes. But it's my way of coping with the memory loss." He looked terrified. "Dad! I'm not crazy!" I yelled, trying to snap him out of it. His eyes narrowed.
"What kind of presentable young Japanese detective talks like that? Has feelings for a male?" He demanded. I felt a pang in my chest. I could hear disapproval in his voice. I'd always looked up to my father. I'd always felt like he would do anything for me. That feeling of trust was quickly fading.
"Dad! What are you saying?" I asked, sounding obviously hurt.
"What am I saying? My son is talking bout speaking to non existent people and claiming to love a male? I'm saying you need to see a psychologist!" He yelled. I ground my teeth.
"You're being ridiculous! Being gay is not a mental illness! Geez Dad I-"
"Do not! If you are gay, you are not my son!" He yelled, face red. I tongue suddenly became very heavy and my throat swelled.
I simply turned and walked away from him. I couldn't handle that. He didn't mean that. He said it in the heat of the moment, but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt. I knew that I simply needed to give him time to process it.
On another note, he did make a good point. Perhaps seeing a psychologist would help with my memories… It could help me track down my long lost boyfriend.
I'd been seeing my psychologist, Mail Jeevas, for eight months now. It had been over a year since I'd last spoken to my dad. I had gotten a transfer to a different branch in the agency, so I never ran into him at work. That was that.
However, I found, as the days went on, I grew colder and colder. I could feel my anger building inside of me. One day, I finally snapped.
"Light, before, you mentioned you could remember little things about this man… Could you please elaborate on that?" Mail asked. I looked at the redhead and shrugged my shoulders.
"It's mostly emotions that I remember… However, if you'd like, I'll specify what traits about him I can remember." He nodded at me. "Well, I know he was a very pale man… And he was just as smart as I was… Possibly smarter, though I'm sure I'd never said anything like that to him… Pride and all… He likes sweets." I smiled. "I remember constantly thinking how odd he was. But his quirky qualities is what made him, him. Y'know?" I scratched my head.
"He had dark hair I believe… Though I don't know if it was black or brown…" I shook my head. "That's all I've got doc."
"And you still love him, am I correct?" I looked at him incredulously.
"No less than the day I woke up in that bed." I confirmed.
"You said you rmember emotions, what exacl did you mean by that?"
"Well, I remember he used to make me incredibly happy… But we used to fight about the same thing a lot… I have no de just what exactly that thing is… or rather was, but I know it always got in between us… I remember that it used to hurt so much whenever we would fight."
"You two must've really loved one another. It's the same for me, Light." He smiled, a dreamy look on his face. I returned the gesture. He was a kind, albeit relatively apathetic, man.
"We had to have really been in love. Or, at least I was."
"That's an interesting point. It sounds like you've thought about it before. How do you believe he felt about you?" I felt my chest tighten.
"Well, those few years ago, when I'd first woken up, I'd been naive enough to believe that it had to be mutual… But it just doesn't make any sense. Why wouldn't he have been here if it was mutual?" I ground out.
"Light, are you angry at this man?" He struck a nerve. Was I angry? I knew that I loved this man, yet, it appeared as though he didn't care for me at all! The jerk.
"No." I lied.
After that meeting, I'd begun questioning the mystery man more and more. Did he really love me? How could he just abandon me? It was cruel, and I found myself to love the man less and less. How dare he? So, one night, I glared at the space on the couch next to me where 'he' was sitting.
"What is wrong with you?" I demanded. He flinched at the harshness in my tone.
"What do you mean, Light?" His tone was deceptively innocent. Always innocent. Everything about him was deceiving. Light knew that's how the real thing was too.
"How could you leave me?" I ground out.
"I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't choose to leave you. I had to go into the army, remember?" He said. I glared coldly.
"No, that's just what I like to tell myself! You left me! I just know it! Otherwise, it wouldn't hurt this much every time I look at you!" I stared into his blurry face and he shook his head. As I didn't know what the man really looked like, I didn't know what kind of face to give him.
"Light, you're overreacting. Maybe I had a good reason. Maybe you cheated on me." He offered. I had been known to be a bit of a player back in high school.
"No I didn't! Else the other man would be here! How could you even say that? You have no idea how much I love you!" I screamed. "Just get the hell out!" And, just like that, the hallucination vanished. I groaned and dropped myself down onto the couch. My head rested into my hands and I screamed.
Within the following year I'd stopped going to see Mail and had picked up a drug habit. One night I'd dropped the my lighter in between the driver seat and the console. With a groan, I stuck my hand down and felt something odd.
I was hard, like cardboard, but thin like paper. I gripped in between my index and middle finger. Lifting it up, I turned on the car light. It was a photo with the word 'Love' on the back. I felt my heart skip a beat.
I wasn't sure if I could look at the picture or not, I didn't know what it would be. I licked my dry lips and swallowed thickly, slowly turning the photo over.
It was of an extremely attractive and odd looking man. His eyes had heavy bags and his black hair was a mess. The pale man was smiling and waving to the camera. I stared at the photo, I, unknowingly, had stopped breathing. I stared and stared.
"L-L…" I choked out. This was it, this was Him. Everything, all of it, the past several years of my life came rushing back to me. All those memories flooding my mind at once. I felt blood trickle down my nose and I had an intense headache, but that didn't matter. I knew. I finally knew. My heart ached for all the hurtful thing's I'd thought of him, but I needed to go.
I quickly turned the ignition and sped out of my driveway. I knew where he was.
I was here. I was finally here, right in front of him.
"I'm sorry." Was the first thing I said. "It's been so long and I haven't come to see you, years even… See, I got in an accident, so I couldn't come to see you, as I'd lost my memories…" I felt tears streak my cheeks, but pressed on. "I remembered one thing though…. That I love you. Told you that I'd never stop… No matter what happened." I forced out a humorless chuckle. "I don't really know what I'm saying, as my feelings are all jumbled. I don't know if it hurts more or less now. It's a different type of pain… Less fear. Though, I'm still pretty shaken." I fell to my knees and dugs my fingers into the dirt below me.
"Now, I have to feel this all over again!" I yelled. "I'm so sorry! I thought such horrible things about you! But some of them were true! How could you abandon me like this?" My tears started to burn. "Didn't you love me at all? You jerk!" I slowly started to calm down. I sat down next to him.
"What am I to do now?" I shook my head solemnly. "My father… He knew about you… He knew the truth… Do you think he was trying to protect me?" I shrugged my shoulders. "Maybe… But then why freak about on me because of sexual orientation? Perhaps he always had an issue with it… But he never said anything because we were so very happy…" I wiped the tears from my eyes, but it was useless, they just kept on falling.
"I'm sorry for my behaviour. I hate being like this… You're the only person who's ever seen me cry, y'know?" I took deep breaths, futilely trying to calm the tears. "I suppose it's probably the same for you… I have I feeling I'm the only person who's ever gotten close enough to you to make you cry… Sorry about that."
"Hey, do you remember that one time?" I asked. "Your little brother Near and your grandpa Wammy had been over, and they were both yelling at you for eating cake. I'd defended you, then they jumped on me. You didn't help at all!" I feigned a pout. "You just said 'If it's Light's wish to interfere, then he should be prepared for the consequences.'" I rolled my eyes.
"You can be such a smart-aleck. Oh man!" I slapped my forehead. "Near! I should go and see the little runt! He probably figures I abandoned you guys! He's gunna be mad… I wonder if he's gotten any taller…" I rambled aimlessly. "He was always such a short little guy. I hope he and Quillish still live in the same place… Near should be old enough to work now. I wonder what he chose. You always tried to get him to follow in your footsteps. He never seemed all that interested. Then again… It is NEAR that I'm talking about here… It's be tough to find anything he did get excited about…Maybe that one classmate of his he kept on talking about… That raven haired one."
"Right after I'm done here, I'll go see him, kay?" I smiled at my ex-boyfriend. "I promise." I sat there for a while longer, just looking out into the sky, waiting for the sun to set.
"I'm so sorry... I know for sure, that if I had invited you to my fathers party, we wouldn't have gotten into that fight and you wouldn't have stormed out so angrily..." I held back the tears. I'd already beat myself up over this for months... But still, that was years ago, and now the memory was fresh again. "It's all my fault... How come I didn't die in my car crash? Then maybe... Just maybe, I could've seen you in the afterlife, even if it was only for one last time. Even if you were chosen to be the one to tell me that I was going to hell... It'd be so very much worth it..." The tears fell. "Just to see you... I'd give anything..." I waited until the sailty droplette's had stopped falling before speaking again.
"It's getting kind of dark, I should head out… I'll come back again tomorrow, okay?" I stood up and waved goodbye to the man of my dreams.
I turned and walked away from him, from my love, from his grave.
I really hope that you all enjoyed this little story of mine! I know, it was pretty predictable, but still, I enjoyed writing it! Please let me know if you enjoyed reading it! This piece has been stuck in my head for quite sometime, but I've been too busy to actually get it down! I'm so relieved to finally have it in words! It's not exactly what I had in mind, but close enough I suppose! XD
Review! -Lunar