Chapter 1: "I'm Ok"

Once upon a time there was a girl

In her early years she had to learn

How to grow up living in a war she called home

Never knew just where to turn for shelter from all the storm

It hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face

Every time my father's fist put her in her place

Hearing all the yelling I would cry up in my room

Hoping it would be over soon

I hurriedly ran upstairs to my room without looking back. I hate it, I hate the sound of it...the sound of mother crying. I huddled in a dark corner, trying to absorb what could have caused their argument again. It's always like this everyday...my parents always arguing, if not over me, they'd fight over money. What about my eighth birthday? Had they forgotten about it? Of course mother won't...she'd buy me the best toys in town! But father...he never cares that much. Maybe, he even forgot about me, and instead of being at peace with mother, instead of making us happy, here he is again, arguing with her, stabbing her with words unimaginable, words that torment. I don't wanna see it...I had to seek refuge in my room. I don't know...I don't know what he's going to do. I just don't want to see it...who knows if he could do anything more than that...what if...what if...no! I violently shook my head, trying to push away such ill thoughts from my head. I hate to think about it! Now I'm just hearing father's angry curses, my mother's tearful pleas, the sounds of various objects crashing here and there. I hate the sound of it all! I could feel tears flowing from my eyes now...I angrily drew my hands up and tried to cover my ears...trying so hard to cover my ears so as not to hear those horrible moans. Silence. I had always known that sudden silence is an ill omen. Tears were flowing uncontrollably now. No...no...father...don't...NO!

Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same

And I still remember how you kept me so afraid

Strength is my mother for all the love she gave

And every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday

And I'm Ok

Crying, I gently rubbed my bruised arm. I was beaten up by father, saying that we were nothing but a nuisance to him...me and my mother. When I arrived earlier, I saw mom lying on the floor, unconscious, her clothes torn, her porcelain skin were tinted here and there by black and blue bruises, blood was trickling from her mouth. There were traces of dried tears on her cheek. I screamed and ran towards her, but I was stopped by the iron hands of my father. He slapped me hard in the face, which caused me to fall face first on the floor. I cried, and I keep repeating all over and over again the words, "Papa, please stop...please..." But that didn't make any difference; it only made him fume even more. He angrily beat me up, until I was a battered doll no longer finding the strength to stand up. Finished with his routine, he angrily stormed out of the room and a few moments later, I heard one of our cars zooming into the distance. Where he is going, I do not know. I would not even dare to ask. All I know is that I'm so afraid of him...and it made me feel relieved that he's gone for the meantime. I slowly crawled towards my mother. I cradled her head, and brushed away some of her reddish-purple locks away from her face. I leaned against the wall and cried silently. Papa...why? "We love you...me and your daughter...we love you very much..." Those words came from her heart. I looked at her tear-streaked face and my sobs only increased.

I often wonder why I carry all this guilt

When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built

Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door

Echoes of a broken child screaming please no more

Daddy don't you understand the damage you have done

For you it's just a memory but for me it still lives on

With their heads bowed down, mom's personal maids went in and slowly carried her to lay her down in the bed. I watched them move about in silence. Gaston, the head of our servants motioned me to go back to my room. I nodded in response. He was about to accompany me in case I would suddenly breakdown, but I assured him with knowing eyes that everything's going to be alright. Besides, I'm slowly getting used to it; the only hard part to overcome is when hearing your mother's cries of pain and fearing what your father can do to her. I walked silently through the dark corridors of our mansion. At last I had reached my room, the room that had seen all of me...my joys, my sorrows...my accomplishments...my sufferings. I sat on my bed in a fetal position, and the tears came again. I kept on saying to myself that it was me who had caused all mother's suffering...maybe if I wasn't born, they would be happy. I took a glimpse on my neatly arranged desk and saw my unfinished school projects. School...I always dislike the kids at school. How come they are happy...always happy? I gently rocked myself. That's why I tried hard to shun away from them. And the more I try to get away, the more they come towards me. I guess being rich made a bit of difference. I envy their lives...their too happy. As if they never experienced similarly the early pangs of my wrecked childhood. But I couldn't resist...I need to be happy...even only at school. I don't want them to hate me like father does...that's why I try belong to the popular group. I would laugh at children who are always crying, but deep inside, I cry with them. I would scorn children who are silent and unapproachable, but deep inside, I am also alone. I would tease children who are always laughed at because if their problems, but deep inside, I share a great burden with them. I had tried so hard to forget, but the more I try, the more I become aggressive at school. I learned to be demanding...I learned to become impatient to my classmates if what they had done did not please me. I shivered. It's getting late, and the next day, I will certainly receive another beating from father. He never cares about us, as if it every inhuman deed he had done were a mere memory in the past, as if he isn't guilty about it. Daddy had really changed me. He was the one who had evoked me to try to do my best...to prove my life's worth. But I tried hard to be good. I tried so hard to be the opposite of what he says about me. But in the end, I had become this stubborn and hard-headed girl who would hurt anyone if I haven't got what I wanted. I don't understand where I went wrong. And I don't know why...why I turned out to be what I have never wanted to be.

Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same

And I still remember how you kept me so afraid

Strength is my mother for all the love she gave

And every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday

I was awoken by soft footsteps muffled by an oriental rug in my room. I pretended to be asleep, but for a brief moment I opened one eye and seeing that it was my mother, I closed it again. I felt her sit beside my bed. It was obvious that she was crying. She gently kissed my cheek and whispered in between sobs while slowly tucking me in the soft covers, "I'm sorry, baby...I'm so sorry...but mommy has to say goodbye for a while...tell Daddy...tell Daddy that I love you both...I will be always be here on your side...guiding you...my child...please live for me...fight with all your strength to live...please...remember that...I love you..." And with those words, she left the room quietly. I wish I had the strength to get up and comfort her, but I was crying myself too. I didn't want her to see me cry. I marvelled at her faith in Dad. Even if Daddy hurts her everyday, she still loves him. She loves him, but I am beginning to hate him. I love you too...I whispered back at the closed door, knowing too well that she will never answer in return.

It's not so easy to forget, all the marks you left along her neck

When I was thrown against cold stairs

And everyday afraid to come home in fear of what I might see next

The next day before I go to school, I woke up really late. I guess this is the price I have to pay for staying up late all night...I shouldn't have cried. As I was dashing down the stairs to catch up for the moments wasted, I accidentally bumped into father. I knew it; he'd either curse me or slap me hard on the face. Apparently, he did both, which sent me flying down the staircase. Good thing it was just only a few steps before reaching the landing. The servants present at the moment looked at me with sympathy for a moment, and then turned away, returning to their duties, as if they saw nothing. I did not expect help from our servants, either. Besides, I'm not angry at them, because it's not their fault. They were told by father not to pay attention to any of the "small quarrels" and his "scolding" to my mother or me, lest they would be out of their jobs; and if they ever speak of it to outsiders, they would be silenced. That way, I learned to fend for myself. I quickly learned how to dress my wounds and cover up my bruises. I had learned how to do this before, when my nanny took care of my cuts and bruises after father beat me up and left the house. During these times, I watched her with great interest, and soon I didn't need anybody's help. That's what father told me...he always shouts it in my face that I must learn to live by myself to prove to be a worthy heir in this family...and that I am all alone...that no one will ever love me...that everyone hates me. Deep inside I know that this was not entirely true, since I still have my mother...and...and...only my mother...and myself. In this way, I learned to refuse anybody's help... and I believed that I must do anything by myself...because in the end, I will be all alone...

I ran to my parents' room as soon as the chauffeur brought me home that afternoon. I was so excited to tell her of my accomplishments at school. My teacher complimented me for my project, and I resolved that I'd waste no time telling her that I had done well. And it's all because of her. She filled me with such inspiration and determination to prove that even though I experience problems, I will still be a good girl. I ran up the stairs, almost bumping at Gaston because of enthusiasm. And when I opened the door to their room, I didn't see mom sitting at the bed. And I wondered...until I heard the sound of something dripping in the bathroom. Maybe mom forgot to close the faucet..., and slowly turned the doorknob. I froze, shocked, at the horrible sight. Mom was lying there in the bathtub. She was staring at me with...with her lifeless eyes. Blood was dripping from her left wrist, forming dark puddles of blood on the tiled floor. Beside the puddle was a bloodstained knife...stained with her blood. The tub is overflowing with a dark liquid. I grew numb in horror as I realized that it was blood...her blood mixed in water. I couldn't stand the sight. I could feel my body slowly breakdown. My knees started to give way. I tried looked away, but I couldn't. I was too numb to move, to feel the hurt, too frightened to face the truth. Uncertainty started to fill my mind. I didn't know how to react, if I should scream in pain at her loss, or bellow in anger at her weakness...or what. My mother, my protector, my consolation when father is mad, my inspiration, the one in which I had found the strength to live...she's gone. She had killed herself. She had finally given up. She had given up on me. She didn't care if I was left here alone...alone to face this sufferings...she's being selfish! Didn't she think of me? Had she forgotten about me? Did she really love me? If she did love me, then why did she leave me? I couldn't find the tears to cry. I could only fell my heart ache so much. I could literally feel it break. I couldn't believe it. She's dead. I want to run away...to be free from this accursed fate...to be awake from this horrible nightmare...but sadly, this is reality...

Her final words flashed back in my mind..."I'm sorry, baby...I'm so sorry...but mommy has to say goodbye for a while...tell Daddy...tell Daddy that I love you both...I will be always be here on your side...guiding you...my child...please live for me...fight with all your strength to live...please...remember that...I love you..."

Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same

And I still remember how you kept me so afraid

Strength is my mother for all the love she gave

And every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday

And I'm Ok

Disclaimer: I don't own Hunter X Hunter; the song I'm Ok is by Christina Aguilera from her album Stripped. Sigh...I've always been a fan of hers...c",)