Shameful Fascination

When Harry was first born, it was a fascination. The little being with his face and Lily's eyes. The perfect little boy, which unlike most babies, was born with a head full of hair. It was a just a mild fascination... Then.

A year afterwards, a car crash left him wifeless, and Harry motherless with a jagged scar in the middle of his forehead. It had stunted his fascination, the grief. Lily was everything he had ever wanted. His friends came to console him, Sirius, Remus, and Peter. They watched Harry sometimes. James felt so sad and numb from pain.

Sometimes, James didn't really know how he would survive. Especially, with a little newborn. He hadn't even been able to get his work hours changed yet.

A little afterwards, Sirius went to prison. Sirius said he was wrongfully accused. Remus became distant then. James didn't know what to believe. He grieved for his friend, and Remus' pain. He continued to grieve Lily. Peter disappeared and Remus still grieved his lover's incarceration. He was left with Harry. Harry made him happy. Gave him meaning to life.

One day, James noticed something about Harry. Something that made him smile frequently at odd intervals. At seven years old, Harry had a curiosity about things that killed most cats. He was like a sponge ready to perform and learn from his mistakes. Lily's intellect for sure and her humbleness. James couldn't say such things about himself when he was younger.

He promoted soon thereafter at his job. Harry had agreed, reluctantly and sadly, to attend the same boarding school where he and Lily had met. Harry had a rock solid courage at eleven years old that James didn't have when he was Harry's age. James had more conceit than anything at that age. He admired his son very much.

Remus had gone to teach at Harry's school, and that made James feel a lot more comfortable leaving at the boarding school. A couple of years later, Sirius's case was overturned on evidence that he was framed by Peter. They didn't have long to celebrate though, Peter outright killed Sirius before he was a free man. Remus had disappeared for a while. James knew Remus was crushed and could do nothing more than to try to ease the pain whenever they rarely talked. An angry fifteen-year-old Harry was more than pleased when Peter got the death sentence. Though loath to admit it, James was too.

Harry was passionate in feelings and emotions. In everything he did, such a horseback riding. He'd drown his negative emotions in the riding through the brisk blowing wind, with his head thrown back in the pleasure of feeling free. James watched sometimes. He often wished he could make Harry feel that way. That Harry could drown in his problems in him. After all, he was his father, wasn't he?

James hadn't noticed until too late. Until a few months before Harry's eighteenth birthday, he began to realise that it went beyond a mild fascination. Shoulders grew out, limbs grew long, and muscle filled out the lean frame. The jaw sharpened, so did his nose, and Harry threw away his old glasses for contact lenses. Harry was a young man. A young beautiful man.

When James noticed this, he felt shame, shame and guilt. A twinge of unease as well. Since when had he been attracted to same sex? It was bad enough it was his son. Worse in fact. Why did he even feel that way? Could it possibly be that when Lily died he put all his affections into their son? Nevertheless, he couldn't shake the infatuation... Or was it love? It can't be! He'd find something else to distract him.

Remus wasn't a distraction. In fact, James actually liked him. He found no oddities about physical affection with Remus. Perhaps, he mused, I'm attracted to certain men. Remus was goofball and was far more light-hearted than he was a few years ago. A comfort in each other was something James would never take for granted. Maybe in the future, he and Remus would fall in love.

Nevertheless, the dreams still came, his eyes still lingered whenever Harry visited. The lenient rule of letting seventh years visit home almost every weekend, and sometimes a once during the school week, made James very happy and ashamed all at once. James, with Remus, sometimes would tell Harry very funny stories of their school days. Harry laughed a beautiful carefree sound that couldn't have hinted that he went through grievances all his life. It touched James' soul.

Nonetheless, the infatuation became worse. James started to want to touch Harry more often then necessary. Made him guiltier because of Remus, he definitely didn't want to hurt him. But... It was hard to resist those odd, damn near intentional, brushes against Harry.

That day, however, James decided he was momentarily mad. Insane. Batty. Totally off his rocker. Harry stood in the kitchen wearing only shorts and trainers. Same height as James. Almost the same weight. Lithe muscles moved under smooth taut skin. God... Harry drunk orange juice and licked the excess sweetness off his lips. James breath caught and found his self unconsciously walking toward Harry.

Before James knew what he was doing, he kissed Harry. He held him with a hand on his waist and a hand on cheek. Both caressed such youthful skin. Panic filled James and at any moment, he fully expected Harry to push him back, maybe even hit him, then spit on him. Tell him he was no father of his. Disown him. However, to his surprise and disgraceful glee... Harry kissed back.

It was everything he'd imagined it would be. Soft, passionate, loving. However, it ended all too soon. They parted and his son looked at him oddly. James had a feeling his expression was complete horror after noticing what he'd done. Harry touched his cheek lightly.

"It's all right," he said softly. "You just needed to get that out. I always knew."

James blinked and really didn't know what to say. Curiosity got the better of him though. "How long?"

"Probably since... Since Sirius died," said Harry, slightly still tremulous to mention his godfather.

"I didn't mean..." James was at a loss.

"I know," said Harry kindly. "Besides, you have Remus now. You'll be better. I know it." He smiled and walked off.

James had never understood why Harry allowed the kiss. Or why he was so nice afterwards. However, he did note his fascination ended there. Maybe it was because Harry had accepted him after the fact, or maybe it was because it was some small part of Lily. He never figured it out, but didn't try to. He spent the rest of his years in Remus's embrace and never had any urges or thoughts again about Harry. At least nothing other than paternal.

When Harry had brought the blonde girl he had been seeing, Luna Lovegood, home, James couldn't even think straight for a moment. He was so ecstatic that his son had found love, just as he had with Remus. He hugged both of them tightly, feeling as though his age was softening him because he felt as though he would tear up. He knew he'd never live down with Remus or Harry hanging around.

"Welcome to the family," he said, to the blushing Luna. He'd meant every syllable.

Luckily, his shameful fascination didn't destroy his life. The life that consisted of his family and friends. He was more than thankful that all he held dear was still available to him. Even with the new addition, he thought, thinking of Luna. His life. He'd never endanger it again. Besides, it was all he had.