Elsa goes to McDonalds
By Spingasballs
Hi, my name is Elsa, and here is my story about how I fucked myself over by going to a certain fast food restaurant. One day I was sitting on my throne, bored out of my fucking vagoo, then I heard the phone ringing. I grunted and rushed to pick up the phone, it was my bitch of a sister Anna.
"Hi, Elsa!"
"What the fuck do you want"
"I just wanted to tell you about how I got this cool new anus wiper toilet from Afghanistan, Barack Osama Bin laden the president made sure I had the best one since y'know, I'm a PRINCESS, he's a pretty cool dude once you get to know him."
Ugh, now you see why I hate getting calls from my sister, she always babbles to me about the stupidest shit and it irritates the fuck out of me. I just stood there at the phone, not listening to the garbage Anna had to say. Then I heard my stomach growl, I was hungry and angry, not a good combination. I needed to find some shit to eat (not actual shit I'm just referring to food) before I would starve to death, then a magnificent idea popped up in my head. "Why don't I go to McDonalds for a big mac and french fries?" the idea seemed unreal, amazing, ingenious, I felt like my head was going to fucking explode like that guy from scanners.
"Then Tarzan took out his massive cock, It was so big I thought it would pluck me to death with its giant beak-" continued Anna
"I'm sorry Anna I'm very busy right now could you talk to me later"
"Awww, but I have so much to tell you! Do you want me to tell you the story about how I-"
"SHUT YO BITCH ASS UP!"
Then I slammed the phone down in frustration, I was panting heavily and twitching with rage.
"Don't worry Elsa, its over now, and I'll be going to McDonalds, the healthiest place on earth!" I said to myself. I then ran as fast as I could and jumped out of the castle window. How I got to McDonalds is hard to describe, you know that guy from The Incredibles, god whats his name whats his name uh…oh yeah! Frozone that was his name, his name was Frozone, I glided on ice in midair like Frozone did in The Incredibles, you get the idea. When I arrived at McDonalds all I could already smell all of the grease from the burgers that were being cooked. I could see all the fat people hogging down big mac after big mac, killing themselves, its pretty fucking sad. I walked into the McDonalds with confidence and ordered a big mac with pride.
"All righty ma'am coming right up! MORTY WE NEED A BIG MAC N SOME FUCKING FRENCH FRIES PRONTO" Said the Cashier
"Alright already, god you don't need to shout it" Said Mort the cook
As I patiently waited for my food to arrive is could see some of the horrors that happen when you absorb yourself in too much McDonalds, I could see people shitting in their adult diapers and the employees having to clean it up, I could see people throwing up from stuffing too many french fries into their disgusting slobbery mouths. I tried my best to ignore all of that garbage around me as I sat there at the table waiting for food.
"Holy shit this is the food is taking a long time to arrive" I thought to myself
Finally, after so much waiting, a waitress finally arrived, I couldn't wait to dig into the tasty food that awaited me. The big mac looked fucking amazing, it stood their on the trey with all its glory, on the side I saw the fries, oh god the french fries. I wanted to bite into that meal so bad that I grabbed the fucking big mac from the trey and stuffed in into my mouth. What I tasted was extraordinary, it was like jesus had come down to earth and had an outdoor grill party, and the big mac was one of the things he was cooking, I cried when it entered my mouth.
"Oh my god mmmmmmmmm…so delicious!"I said with my mouth stuffed with burger.
Parts of the burger were falling out of my mouth but I picked them up and ate them, it was THAT good.
"OH MY GOD MA'AM DON'T DO THAT ITS GOING TO KILL YOU!" screamed the waitress
"Fuck you this is delicious! Its the best fucking burger I have ever tasted in my entire life!" I yelled back.
I continued to gobble up that amazing burger that was the big mac, after a few minutes it was all gone, I felt proud, I deserve a fucking xbox achievement. I was stuffed, I felt like I could lie down on a king size sofa and sleep for 3 hours, the big mac had such great force that it drained all of my energy, I was pleased. Then a roar came from my stomach and I started to feel sick, then my bottom started to ache, I got up moaning and groaning. Then it got worse, I felt an itching pain in my buttocks and I started to groan even more.
"OH SHIT SHES GONNA LET IT GO! TAKE COVER!" Yelled the waitress
Then in a few seconds I heard a loud boom, like america had dropped another nuke on japan. Next thing you know I was heading right into the sky, McDonalds was 18 miles away, and a giant, thin, green cloud was coming out of my butt, the big mac was so powerful that it created a fart that launched me into the sky, my mind was blown. Then I started to go into space, I started to freak the fuck out instantly.
"Oh god no no NO NO AU-"
I was floating in space, I couldn't breath, I felt like my head was going to explode, it was horrible. I was holding my neck, trying to hold my breath so hard that my head felt like a fragile balloon about to pop. The last thing I saw before I died was the fucking space core from Portal 2 yelling in classic fashion "SPAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!", then everything went black. I woke up on top of clouds, next to me was a gold box with a woman with brown short hair inside, I instantly knew when I was.
"Hello, and welcome to heaven transportation, how may I assist you?" Said the woman. I groaned and told her to take me to the nearest Heaven hotel. I was brought to a place call Gods Girth, and I was given a nice, well cleaned hotel room with a 12 inch wide screen TV and a king size sofa to live in for the rest of my afterlife. So remember kids, If you are ever hungry and wanting to go someplace to get food, McDonalds is the absolute worst place for that, and never trust big macs, they can lead to dangerous consequences and life threatening farts.
The End