Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.

Roommate Rules

Gregory House was stunned to hear a light tapping at his door. Rarely did he have visitors…and if he it was usually more of a pound than a polite knocking.

He was having dinner with Wilson and was relieved at the interruption. Lately, he'd been picking fights with Wilson and tonight was no different. Wilson was leaving him, moving on (and out). He'd chosen a new wife—annoying and stunningly attractive Sam—over their friendship. Oh well. House knew it wouldn't last long.

Even Sam had a key to their apartment, and if she'd forgotten it, she'd definitely be the pounding sort. House pondered the identiy of their visitor as he walked to the door.

When he opened it, he recognized her. The girl…a girl, he corrected himself, from Michigan. She was so young and naïve back then. He took in how she had aged, but it was still unmistakeably her- Lisa Cuddy.

"Hi," She smiled. "You probably don't remember me-"

"I do." He cut her off, saving from introductions.

"Lisa," She said anyway.

"I know." He replied curtly. "From Michigan."

Wilson, sensing the tension, stood up. "I'm James Wilson." He didn't make any effort to move to shake her hand.

She waved from the door. "Nice to meet you." She looked at House. "Anyway, I know we haven't spoken in…about ten years. But I'm doing my residency at Princeton-Plainsbourough, and I was just evicted from my apartment and I heard that you live around here." She held up a duffel bag. "I was hoping that I could stay with you…only for a week."

He looked at her suspiciously. "You have no one to stay with…no friends, no family?"

"This is the fourth house I've came to. All my friends- they're already crowding five people into a double apartment. My family lives in upstate Maine, and God knows, I can't afford that commute."

House couldn't get over the fact that she was actually here…at his apartment. She didn't fit; she didn't belong in this part of his life. He'd forgotten about her.

"Actually, this is perfect timing." Wilson, with a cheery smile, approached them. "I'm moving out and Greg has an extra bedroom."

"Oh, don't worry about it." Cuddy sat her bag down inside the apartment, and House glared at it. "I can sleep on the couch."

"Wait a minute!" House whined. He whispered loudly to Wilson, "She could be a rapist or something!" Wilson rolled his eyes.

"What the hell are you thinking?" He faced Cuddy. "You don't know me! I could be a rapist!"

Cuddy smiled slyly. "You can't rape the willing."

"Willing? She can stay!" House exclaimed, and picked up her bag, taking it into Wilson's old bedroom.

Wilson frowned. "Hey!" He looked between the two of them. "Were you guys…did you…?" He trailed off.

"…bake cookies together in college? Why, yes we did." House answered.

"House." Wilson said sternly. "You know what I mean."

Cuddy shrugged. "We were just friends."

House winked at her. "Gotcha." He proclaimed loudly to Wilson. "We. Were. Just. Friends." Then he burst into laughter.

Wilson couldn't tell if they were lying or not. "You are responsible adults now. You know that would be disasterous."

"Responsible adults?" House looked at Wilson as if he was crazy.

"You're right." Cuddy put her hand on Wilson's shoulder. "We're not in college anymore. We can handle this."

House didn't like the way she was touching Wilson. He broke their contact by pushing through them to go back into the kitchen. "So why don't we catch up over dinner?"

Wilson learned a lot about Lisa Cuddy over dinner. He learned that she was Jewish, and single. (Both of which House made fun of her for.) He learned that she wanted to be a pediatrician, but wasn't completely sure. Through several heated arguments with House, he learned that she stuck to her values and faith, despite all evidence against them.

"You're a doctor! A pediatrician!" House cried out. "How you believe in a God that kills children?"

"God doesn't kill children." She said patiently.

"Oh…so then there is something more powerful than God? That God can't stop?" He raised his eyebrows.

"God is all-powerful," She insisted.

"Seriously." He groaned. "What about free-will? Do we have no choice?"

"Okayyyy," Wilson interjected. "Enough. Agree to disagree."

"Come on, Jimmy. You're a Jew. Why aren't you jumping all over me, defending your values?" House mocked him.

Wilson rolled his eyes. Sometimes, House could be really immature, he thought. But not this excessive. Maybe this was what he was like when meeting a new person. He thought back to when he first met House. He couldn't remember. Cuddy wasn't a new person though. She'd known House. Wilson knew he would have to get more information on this.

"I know better," He replied, trying to take the focus off of him. He stared at Cuddy. She was curiously stubborn, like House. He wasn't sure if them living together was such a good idea anymore.

"Oh," Cuddy nodded. "I see…"

Wilson squinted at her, suspicious. "What?"

She gestured between the two of them. "I see how this- you two- works."

"Jimmy's on bottom." House smirked obnoxiously. "That's how it works."

"That's what I thought," She replied smugly.

"Hey." Wilson tried to clear his name. "We are not- I'm engaged!"

House punched him playfully in the shoulder. "Just messin' with ya." He winked.

"Right." Cuddy took a sip of her drink like she didn't believe him.

"Seriously." Wilson began thinking of ways he could prove his heterosexuality.

Cuddy laughed. "It's all right. But if you're engaged, why do you care if I think you're gay?"

Wilson cleared his throat in thought. "It's- I don't know…"

"He's homophobic," House explained. "I, however, am perfectly comfortable in my sexuality."

"I know." Cuddy leaned into him with a smile and touched his hand with hers. It would have seemed friendly, except they were both staring at each other with a sickening (or so Wilson thought) expression of glee and…love?

"So." Wilson tucked his napkin into his lap uncomfortably. "Did you guys just sleep together in college or were you in an actual relationship?"

They held eye-contact for a second too long for Wilson. Cuddy was the first to break eye-contact and look at Wilson. "We were friends."

Wilson opened his mouth to protest the obvious evidence, but House interrupted him. "I have to go to the bathroom!" He stood up abruptly and whispered to Cuddy, loudly enough for Wilson to hear. "Meet me there. 5 minutes. He won't suspect anything." He left Cuddy smiling.

"You know," Wilson started, "You might be the only person who finds him funny, not obnoxious."

"You think he's obnoxious?" Cuddy slouched in her chair and looked up at him.

"He-" Wilson hesitated. "Sometimes!"

"He was really smart in college. Arrogant. A bit whore-ish." She used her fork to play with her food. "He was fun though."

Wilson shook his head. "Not much has changed."

"Good. I wouldn't want him to change." She paused. "He taught me a lot…about how people are."

"I'm sorry." Wilson apologized. "You must have a very pessimistic view of people."

"I'm moving in with a known asshole who I haven't seen in ten years." She pushed her hair back behind her ear thoughtfully. "I'm probably one of the most optimistic people you'll ever meet."

"I'm an oncologist," He said flatly. "I have to be one of the most optimistic people you'll ever meet."

"No," she corrected him. "You have to optimistic because you're friends with House."

"Are you guys talking about me?" House's voice rang out from the hallway. "Well." He made his way back to the table. "I was thinking about youuuu…" He tapped Cuddy on the nose. "…in the bathroom."

"Really?" She grinned.

"Yep." He took a huge bite of pizza. "I was thinking about your Jewishness. And how's come you don't have any money? You're supposed to be frugal."

"That's just a stereotype," Cuddy said.

"A stereotype…based on fact." House waved his pizza in affirmation. "Wilson's richer than I am."

Wilson defended himself, "I don't splurge my money all away on booze and guitars!"

As if Wilson had proved his point, House proclaimed, "Jews save money!"

"I did! I had money!" Cuddy exclaimed. Then she grew quieter, "It's so stupid and embarrassing and I don't even know how it happened."

"What?" It sounded serious. Wilson scooted closer, ready to rescue the damsel-in-distress.

"I- I have a lead foot." She buried her face in her hands. "I don't know. I was always running late. And somehow I racked up seven speeding tickets. And then I lost my license and had to pay for cabs and I tried so hard!"

She was nearly in tears and House smacked his hand on the table. "That is awesome! High five!" He lifted his hand up.

House was being very insensitive, but Cuddy didn't seem to think so. She smiled and instead of smacking House's hand, she clasped it, bringing it down between them.

Wilson didn't notice. He was mesmerized by Cuddy's vulnerability. For someone he had just met, she had opened up so freely. "Did you try crying?"

Cuddy nodded, smiling and blinking away the tears that had threatened to fall.

"I can't imagine any police officer giving you a ticket. How heartless." He enjoyed Cuddy's attention on him. "Maybe you should have shot him one of those beautiful smiles of yours."

"Thanks." Cuddy smiled even wider, if that was possible. "I haven't heard that in a while."

"Down boy." House commanded. "Remember someone named Sam Carr?"

"I can give other women compliments when I'm engaged, House," Wilson said, annoyed at the accusation.

House pointed at him. "I know you. Be careful."

This was getting much too awkward for Wilson. As much as he was enjoying Cuddy's presence, and the new dynamic she brought to House, he did have to get home to his new fiancée. "I should probably…"

House was out of his chair and ushering Wilson out of the house before he knew what was going on. "Oh really?" He pretended to be disappointed for less than a second. "Good visiting with you. Sleep tight."

Wilson didn't really want to leave Cuddy at home with House. It seemed strange but he felt like he'd known her for a very long time. He couldn't imagine how scared she must be- out of her comfort zone, living with a near acquaintance. But House was too eager for him to leave, for reasons that Wilson didn't want to know. House wasn't the type to force sex, but he was infamous for seducing and taking advantage.

He waved goodbye to Cuddy quickly. "It was a pleasure meeting you!" She waved and shouted something at him, but House shut the door too quickly.

He stared at the door for a few minutes until he heard Cuddy giggling inside. She seemed so innocent and nice. He hoped that House wouldn't corrupt her.

Cuddy and House stared at each other. He was leaning against the door, seemingly waiting for her.

She'd wanted to be alone with him since she'd first cooked up this crazy idea in her head. She did enjoy the company of House's new friend, but she wanted to see if House was still interested in her. She fantasized over the way it used to be with them, and hoped he was thinking of the same thing.

Maybe not. It was hard to tell what exactly was going on in House's head.

"Cuddy." House said her name, snapping her out of her thoughts.

She stood up and gave him a sly smile. She needed to appear confident. If House knew that he made her nervous, she'd be in for unending ridicule and humiliation.

He walked from the door to where she was standing. He lowered his lips to her neck, breathing but not touching her.

Finally, she couldn't stand it anymore. She pressed herself against him, one arm around his waist, the other over his shoulder.

His lips attacked her neck and shoulder, placing wet kisses on every spot he could reach. He held her, closer than she thought possible.

Cuddy felt like she should say something, but she couldn't think of anything appropriate. She clutched his shoulders as he moved his kisses lower to her collarbone and chest, stretching out the material of her shirt.

"Miss me?" He mumbled, as he worked to unbutton her top.

"A little," She laughed. Adrenaline jump-started her body into a raging heat. She looked away from him in embarrassment. She knew he could feel it against his lips. "I was afraid you'd forgotten me."

He pushed her back into his living room until she hit the couch and sat down. He kneeled between her legs and kissed what was most convenient for him- her cleavage. "…spent a year together." He reached behind her to unclasp her bra. "You know I don't forget anything." She missed his lips for the two painful seconds that they were gone. Then they were on her breasts, everywhere, exactly where she needed.

She held him tight, as if she couldn't get enough. When she let him up for air, he gasped. "You're demanding. I like it."

She combed her fingers through his hair. She like the she could feel his head move when he kissed her. "It's been awhile." As if to prove her point, her hips involuntarily thrust into his face when he moved his kisses to her stomach.

"Nice," He winked in approval and worked on the button of her jeans. "But I don't believe it."

"You'll believe it soon," She assured him. "I think my virginity has grown back."

"That's sooo hot," he said facetiously. He helped her stand so he could pull her pants down, but when she went to sit back down, he grabbed her hand.

For a second, she was scared that there was something wrong. But then he moved her panties away and licked inside her.

"House!" She panted, nearly falling backward.

"Cool." He licked her again, his hand grasping the back of her thighs.

"Ohhhh." She closed her eyes and grabbed his hair to keep her balance. She could feel his tongue all the way inside of her, arching and tasting. "Please, please." She needed him. Every second of her past nine months of celibacy was worth it, if he would just give her some relief.

"You'll come soon enough." He squeezed her ass and stood up. "This'll be fun."

He left her standing in the living room. 'What the fuck?' She thought angrily. He was just going to leave her there, cold and horny? He didn't want her. He was just playing…

"Cuddy!" House stood in the hallway. He'd shed all of his clothes except for his boxers. One of his hands was fisting and stroking his erection impatiently. "You change your mind? Could've let me know before I got hard."

She reminded herself to remain calm and cool. "No," She said. It was about all she could muster. She liked watching him touch himself like that. She reached forward and let her hand run over his dick in the same rhythm that he was. He let her take over, closing his eyes for a moment.

When he opened them, he smacked her on the ass. "Let's go have sex in the bedroom. Like grownups, 'kay?"

She wouldn't let go of him. Being in this position of power was too thrilling for her. So, he led her back to her new bedroom with his dick. A little unconventional, Cuddy thought, but it was well worth the fun.

"I'm thinking that we should make that a habit," Cuddy sighed, her face buried in House's chest.

She was almost cuddling into him. On instinct, House pushed away, rolling her over so that he was hovered over her. "Not a habit," He said quietly, looking at her. "It should be a rule." He nodded decidedly, and jumped out of bed. There was a dry erase board hanging up in his room that he liked to use to work on math equations. He retrieved it and brought it back to her bed. He erased it, and then wrote at the top "ROOMMATE RULES".

She laughed. "Clever."

"1," He wrote, "Sex twice a week."

"House," she joked, "I don't know if I'm ready for this kind of commitment."

Just Cuddy's utterance of the word 'commitment' sent shivers through his spine. He immediately added the next rule, "No romantic expectations of any kind."

"I didn't mean-" She touched his arm, and stopped herself short of a serious conversation. "Okay. What does that entail?"

Under it, he wrote, "No dates."

"With other people?"

House stared at her horrified. "How could I retain my repuatation as Princeton's stud?" He added 'No gifts' to the list. "Now this is only limited to expectations. You can get me a present if you want, but don't expect to reciprocate."

"All right." Cuddy seemed a bit annoyed. "I don't know why I would want to SLEEP with you if you weren't paying for my dinner."

"It's all your choice, Cuddles. You don't have to agree to this." But he knew she would. She wouldn't have came back into his life if she didn't want to be with him. "Haven't you ever heard of FWB?"

"That's not what we were before!" She crossed her arms.

"Yeah, but things are different now. We're too different. We wouldn't work in a relationship," he spoke honestly for the first time that night.

"You don't think-"

"Someone would just get hurt!" He asserted. He rationalized it in his mind. This friends-with-benefits thing couldn't go on very long, but it would definitely outlast a House/Cuddy relationship.

"Fine." She didn't sound too resigned to House, but he didn't say anything. She shifted on the bed. "No sleeping with other people then."

"Cuddy," he shook his head, "You're killing me."

"That's gross, and slutty, and.." She explained, "I don't want to get any diseases!"

"Haven't caught any yet," He bragged. He wasn't an idiot, more of a germ freak with his meticulous condom use. "Completely clean." He wouldn't do that to her- jeapordize her health for a good lay. As much as he played the playboy, he wasn't completely inhuman.

"I don't want to see any girls here! Or have to compare myself..." She trailed off. House figured she was trying to avoid seeming vulnerable.

"No worries!" He assured. "You stack up quite nicely. And I'm the sort of guy that believes that every woman is unique...has her own gifts." He said it sarcastically, but couldn't help thinking that Cuddy was special. But that just meant they had a unique capacity to hurt each other.

"Okay...you're full of it," She said, laughing. She took the whiteboard from him and slid it on the floor. "I think we're done with the rules."

"But we haven't discussed who's going to take out the trash and when we're going to shower together!" House liked to be thorough when it came to these things.

"No." She straddled him. "More." She held him close. "Rules." She pressed her lips forcefully on his.

He said nothing until she stopped kissing him. "Okay."

She got up early to make breakfast. She had to show House that she wasn't like every other girl. Luckily, he had half a box of pancake mix and some milk and eggs. For a bachelor, he seemed to eat better than just spaghetti-o's and pizza. Or maybe the actual food was left from Robert. She couldn't be sure.

Anyway, she managed to whip up a couple plates of pancakes before she heard a knock at the door.

She tiptoed to the door, peeking out the peep-hole to see who was ruining her morning-after breakfast.

James.

House's friend.

He was here so early and his face reminded her of the reality of their situation. That she was just supposed to be House's roommate and not his girlfriend or his lover. It was disconcerting and she was angry with James for a split second. But then she reminded herself that it wasn't his fault, and opened the door.

"Hi!" She tried to be cheerful.

"Hey." He steeped in. "Just making sure you made it through the night okay." He saw the pancakes. "You made breakfast?"

"Yes," She looked at her two perfect plates of pancakes. "You can have some," she said reluctantly.

"Are you sure? Thanks!" He sat down and dug in. "Mhmm." Wilson said with a mouthful. "Where's House? Sleeping?"

"Yeah." In her bedroom. Crap. She forgot about that. She needed to get him out of there or else Wilson would know they slept together.

"He needs to wake up. He's got a job interview."

"He doesn't have a job?" Cuddy asked, momentarily distracted. She couldn't believe that it didn't come up in an earlier conversation. "But he's so smart!"

"Too smart."

She didn't realize that anyone could be too smart. Even House. He thought he knew everything, but she could tell that he hadn't been fully educated in human compassion. "Yeah. Well, let me get dressed, and then I'll wake him up. He was tired last night."

Wilson looked up at her. "Did anything happen between you two?"

"No," she said, smiling playfully. "Trust me. I know better."

She turned around to leave, and he said to her back, "You seem like the only woman in the world who does."

She bit her lip to suppress a sigh of disappointment in herself. She didn't regret anything that'd happened between her and House, but she did admit that from a third-party perspective, she seemed tragically naive. Yet she had to believe in something different. She knew what she was doing, and if it ended in hurt, she'd accept that.

She waltzed casually into her bedroom, and then jumped on the bed. "House! You have to get up! And quietly! James is outside!"

"You're still here?" He squinted up at her and then buried his face back into his pillow.

That was not very encouraging for her. She smacked him on the shoulder. "James is eating pancakes at the table! And if he sees you walk out of my room, he'll know we slept together!" She threw open her duffel bag, took off her pajama shorts, and slid off her

"Who's James?" He didn't lift his head from the pillow.

"Your friend." She whispered. "And shhhh."

"Wilson? He said obnoxiously loud.

"Shhh!" She jumped out into the hallway. Wilson was looking at her curiously. "Sorry! Alarm went off! Be right back."

House rolled over, and just before he fell off the bed, she caught him. It took all of her strength to lower him to the floor without making a noise.

She climbed over him and took hold of his face in her hands. "Get up. I will distract Wilson, and then you sneak in your room and pretend that you are getting up from there."

"Hello boobs." House gaped at her open shirt.

She like how he was staring at her, but they didn't have much time. "House. We are supposed to be roommates."

"So? Wilson knows I fuck everything with legs. And a vagina." He showed no signs of moving.

"I don't want him to think I'm easy." Even though she felt like it. "Please?"

"Wait. I got a job interview today. Do I?" He looked at her quizzically.

"Yes." She was taken aback by how oddly prepared he was.

"Oh. Better get up then." He stood up and waited. "You going to distract Wilson?"

"Yeah." She was surprised that he was actually going with the plan. She grabbed a top from her duffel and threw it on top of the tanktop she'd been wearing. She met Wilson at the table and turned around so he couldn't see the hallway with their bedrooms. "Zip me up?"

House scrambled out of her bedroom and into his. He winked at her.

Wilson fumbled, wiping his hands on a napkin and zipping her up carefully.

As she turned around, House wandered out of his bedroom, yawning and stretching. Cuddy thought he might be making too big of a production of it, but Wilson seemed to believe it. "Breakfast?"

"Absolutely." House dropped to his seat and started eating.

"Where's your pancakes?" Wilson asked.

"I..umm..only made 2," Cuddy said, embarrassed.

Wilson looked down at his dish. "I'm sorry. I ate yours? You got any mix left?"

"I think that was the last of it." She looked at her empty mixing bowl.

"I am so sorry!" Wilson looked truly regretful.

"Chill out," House pouted. "There's Frosted Flakes in the first cabinet on the left."

"That's not very healthy," Wilson said.

"It's fine." Cuddy had already found the bowls earlier when looking for the pancake mix.

"Not if she has to work today! You're a doctor. Frosted Flakes make the blood sugar spike and then she'll crash later."

"You gotta work today?" House looked at Cuddy.

"Night shift," she replied. "Starting at 4. You're on your own for dinner."

"But what about our plans tonight?" He raised his eyebrows in suggestion.

Cuddy glared at him.

Wilson appeared interested. "What plans? You guys got plans tonight?"

"We are going to watch a movie," Cuddy said quickly. "But that'll be tomorrow night."

"I'll hold you to it." House pointed at her with his fork. "But I guess I'll have to find someone else to entertain me tonight..."

Jealousy shot through her, and she reminded herself to play it cool. "Fine with me. As long as she doesn't get into the Frosted Flakes. That's my dinner for the next three nights."

Wilson frowned. "I can't let you do that. Poison yourself with high fructose corn syrup?"

"She can handle it," House snapped. "I've been eating them for years."

"So why don't you have a job?" Cuddy changed the subject.

"I don't want one," House replied quickly.

Cuddy sat down next to him. "But you love medicine."

"I hate patients," House growled, in a bad mood at just the thought of needy people. "Hospital admins- the HR people- they don't understand. They always hire me as a general practictioner."

"You can't blame them," Cuddy reasoned. "There's not a lot of business in the infectious disesase market."

"There is!" House insisted. "But doctors always diagnose them incorrectly. All of these cases get thrown in with the normal, boring stuff so idiot diagnose them as normal, boring stuff. What they need is an entire department devoted to these cases. And me and my immeasurable diagnostic skills, of course."

As egoistic as it sounded, House actually knew what he was talking about. "You sound pretty passionate about it," Cuddy murmured. Like in college, she thought. "Do you mention any of this in your job interviews?"

"I did. Once. Didn't get taken seriously." House sounded spiteful. "It doesn't matter. I'm perfectly fine working like this."

"Like..."

Wilson explained. "He takes a GP job until they kick him out." He paused. "You shouldn't give up though."

"Right," she agreed. Wilson's optimistic attitude was beginning to grow on Cuddy. This was the kind of guy she should be with. He would care for her and make her feel good about herself. Unlike House, who brought self-loathing and humiliation. Yet she couldn't shake her desire for him. "You're miserable." She could see it in his eyes. He looked much more tired now.

"I don't care." House finished eating and dropped his plate loudly into the sink. "It doesn't matter."

It mattered to Cuddy. She didn't want to see him ruining his life like this. Not working, sleeping around, doing God-knows-what in his free time.

"I'll go get dressed." House trudged back to his room.

Cuddy sighed unhappily in his departure.

"So," Wilson said chipperly. "Got any plans? I should go to work at 9, but I've got some time. I feel awful about the Frosted Flakes. Can I buy you a wholesome breakfast?"

Cuddy's appetite leaped at the chance for a real meal. "Really? I mean, that'd be great."

"Of course! I'd love to. We could talk about House, about work..."

"What do you do again?"

"I'm an oncologist..."

"Right. Actually, I think PPTH is looking for one of those..."