Best Christmas Ever
It's been really cold outside. I shouldn't be surprised…I mean it is Christmas and it is always cold. I look to the window and see the snow falling. It's been snowing for a while now and it only adds to my sour mood. A sour mood that is misplaced since I know Christmas is his favorite time of the year and I am only ruining it with my scowls.
Everything started a few weeks ago when we went to meet Thom and Delly's son Jack. I could see it on Peeta's face…the longing, the love…so strong that it took my breath away. I felt something had broken in me. I knew that was something that I couldn't give him and that tore me apart.
Peeta has never pushed me. He didn't even push me when I said no the first couple of times that he asked me to be his girlfriend even when he and everyone around us knew how I felt about him. He has never asked me to marry him or to have kids because he knows how I feel about it and yet seeing that look in his eyes about killed me. God! He never pushed when he tried to make me agree to go out with him before we became a couple.
I am taking away from him the possibility to have a family and be great at it like I know he would because I've seen how he is with Finnick and Annie's son Nick. Kids love him because of his pure soul and charm. From that day on I haven't stopped thinking about it. Thinking about how I am robbing him and yet I am so selfish that I've been keeping him next to me even when I know that he deserves better. So much better than me.
Then Thanksgiving happened. Peeta's family is big…like two brothers married and with three kids each. It is a big family if I think about my mother, my father and my little sister and that's it. Little kids running around everywhere Marissa and Cinthya helping Peeta's mom with the food as the guys talked in the living room. She felt it coming the minute they all sat down at the table. The questions and the disapproving look from Peeta's mom after we told the whole family for the thousandth time that no, we were not getting married any time soon and no, we weren't thinking about having kids. I didn't miss how Peeta said that we weren't thinking about having kids yet. I don't even want to ask him what he meant with that because I'm scared.
And then that same day going to my parents house and Prim announcing with Rory that they were getting married in a couple of months. I saw the sad tilt to Peeta's smile and the way his eyes told me about everything he was feeling. He wished those were us. That just broke me. Because as selfish as I have been I love him and I want him to be happy and I know that won't happen with me. I know that I can't give him what he wants. I repeat it to myself every time I can so I can convince myself that I have to let him go. It hasn't worked.
It's been eating away at me for weeks now. I have not said anything. I'm just being quieter than I usually am, I shy away from him, and I scowl more than usual. Maybe I am just preparing for when I finally have to leave him. Because I know I will have to even If I don't want to because that's the only way he is going to be happy. I want him to be happy even if it isn't with me.
He goes to the kitchen and walks as noisily as he can he even sneezes a couple of times to add to the noise, It isn't really that he is being noisy because I know he has a heavy thread and I know he's been nursing a cold for a few days now…I know that I am mad at him for being so perfect that I am not good enough for him.
For days now I've been looking for something to force me to discuss this. Something to trigger the conversation that will end inevitably in a break up but I haven't found it. Or maybe I haven't been really looking for it as many opportunities have passed me but I've taken none. I look to the TV where a Christmas special is going on. I really have no idea of what I'm watching I'm just constantly thinking and thinking about this issue.
It is awful to be split between what you need to be happy and what the person that you need to be happy needs to be happy. I know it sounds sort of complicated but it really isn't. It's just a matter of being selfless or being selfish. I'm not sure which one I prefer.
He gets out of the kitchen with a few envelopes from the mail that arrived that day and heads for the bedroom and I get even more mad than before. I picked the mail this morning and there was nothing for me but a bunch of bills and yet Peeta has a bunch of letters from people…I didn't even know that people still wrote letters these days.
"Katniss look!" he appears out of nowhere next to me and I scowl because he scared me and how can he be silent sometimes and so noisy some others?
"What?" I tell him rudely without taking my eyes from the TV show. I hear him sigh and sit next to me. I wonder if he knows what I'm thinking…the battle that has ensued inside me. He probably does, he has always been attuned to my feelings and thoughts.
"Finnick sent their Christmas card…I just wanted to show you how big little Nick is getting" he tells me placing the card in front of me. I turn to look at Peeta whose eyes are still glued to the card with a wistful smile on his face.
His hair is wet because he recently showered and he is wearing a shirt and a pair of sweatpants. That's the way we always dress on Christmas Eve as we always spend it in front of the TV watching old Christmas movies and eating pop corn and every single kind of junk food we can get our hands on. It's been our tradition for years now and I have always loved the way we end up asleep on the couch me practically on top of Peeta and Peeta always complaining about back ache the whole Christmas morning because of the way we wake up but always having a playful glint on his eyes because he is as happy as he can be.
"It's nice" I say and turns back to the TV. How will I be able to live without him?
I know he isn't happy right now. I can see it in his eyes as he sighs again looking to the floor with a frown.
"Would you tell me what's wrong?" he asks and his voice is almost a whisper. If he wasn't sitting next to me I probably wouldn't have heard him. It is like if he is afraid of asking me. It is as if he knows what's next.
I sigh because I know this is it. I know I can't lie to him and it hurts…It hurts that I'm not enough.
"What do you mean what's wrong?" I ask without looking at him.
"I don't know. You've been weird… I just wanted to know if I did something to upset you so I could apologize and everything could go back to how it was" he tells me with a small smile. I hate it. I hate that he knows me so well that he can feel that I'm upset. I hate that he knows that if it isn't something that bad a simple small smile coming from him can fix everything. He knows this isn't the case this time because his smile doesn't work. The scowl doesn't leave my face. I wish he knew that this is how I hide my heart that is starting to break.
"Back to how it was" I say softly. I wish it could, that's all I can think as I take a deep breath. "I can't" I tell him and look to him finally. His face falls automatically. "It can't go back to how it was, I can't"
"But why?" he asks me slumping next to me. It's as if I robbed his energy.
"It just can't! You aren't happy! I can't change that. So why are you here?" I ask him and I feel the tears threatening to spill but I know I have to hold them.
"What do you mean?!" he asks me standing up. "I'm happy with you! Why are you saying I'm not?"
"Because you are not! Don't lie to me Peeta! I see it in your eyes…you want to get married you want kids!" I yell and he gapes. "Will you tell me otherwise? Will you lie to me that way?"
"No…but…"
"But nothing! What are you doing here if this isn't what you want!? Why don't you just leave me?" I ask again and this time I push him. I don't know what made me do it, maybe I just wanted to touch him seeing as it is probably going to be the last time that I do.
"Katniss…"
"What are you doing here Peeta?! Why don't you just leave!?" I ask and he looks to the floor. I know I need to drive him away. And knowing Peeta I know he will relent to what I'm asking…he will take his things and say good bye and he will go away to be happy. After all…with his charm and his looks I don't think he will have a problem getting what he wants.
"Stop it!" he yells at me but I can't. I started so I must finish it… before it's too late.
"No! Answer me Peeta! Just answer! Why don't you just leave!?" his eyes fill with tears and he shakes his head.
"I don't understand why you are doing this Katniss…and today of all days! But if this is what you want then fine!" he yells as he turns around towards the door. I don't think I'm breathing. I just watch him take his shoes and a sweater that's hanging by the door and leave. I don't even have enough time to ask him to come back I just watch him leave and say nothing.
I curl in the couch. I didn't expect him to act that way. I didn't expect him to take a pair of shoes and a sweater and leave in that right moment. This is not the way I saw this happening and yet that's what happened. I thought I knew how much it would hurt to watch him go, but to actually see him leave through the door just about killed me.
I stay that way for…I don't know how long. It resembles a lot the way I acted when I was depressed a few years ago when my dad got sick. I hear a buzzing in the background and I sit to look for what is making the sound.
I look to the clock and it's been at least two hours since Peeta left and the snow has done nothing but keep falling consistently.
I find the buzzing object and my eyes fill with tears. It's his phone with an alarm that indicates that our favorite Christmas movie is about to start. I curl in the couch again and wonder where Peeta is. He probably went to one of his brother's house or maybe to Finnick's.
I know this is what I had to do because I want him to be happy but now I wonder if I ever will be happy without him by my side. Maybe I will change my mind along the way…who knows? It could happen…and if it did and he is patient enough to stick with me until I do we could be really happy. I mean, it's not like he hasn't done it before. That's exactly the way we ended up together and where we are today. Because he was patient enough to stick with me until I finally relented.
The phone buzzes again in my hand and I see three different messages. One is from Finnick wishing us a merry Christmas, the other one is from his brother Wheaton asking him if he wants to go spend Christmas Eve with me at his house since the kids are asking for uncle Peeta and the other one is from his brother Rye asking if he can come by later to drop some presents that he's got for us.
I look to the window and to the consistently falling snow and I worry. These messages have just come in and that means that Peeta is in none of the places that I thought he would be. I know he isn't at his parent's house because it's too far to go walking and he didn't take his wallet since it was with his phone along with the keys of the bakery. And he is sick. I'm worried. I panic.
Where can he be with no money and no phone and no keys to the bakery? He left with just a hoodie and his shoes and those sweatpants that have seen better days. I have to find him. I stand up fast and go to our room and pick a coat for him and dress as warm as I can and run outside. I have to find him.
It's been half an hour and I can't find him. The cold feels biting and burning and I just want to cry because I forced him to run out of the apartment in this cold weather. Everywhere I can see families and couples walking fast with bags of presents or laughing. I almost forgot that it is Christmas Eve and I feel stupid for doing this to him on one of his favorite days of the year. I keep walking and thinking about where he could possibly be when I catch sight of the park. It's where he asked me to be his girlfriend. My eyes fill with tears that I wipe away with the sleeve of my coat. He can't be there, can he? It would be ironic. Him being here where everything started the day everything seems to be ending.
I walk slowly into the park. The lights that are adorning the trees and the snow mans that children made here are still everywhere. As I keep walking in the distance I see someone seated in the swing set. As I get closer I see him, It's Peeta who is sitting there. He is leaning on his side and slowly swinging back and forth. I reach him and brush his hair and find it frozen. He ran out with wet hair I remember now and my heart breaks. His lips are purplish and he is shivering wildly.
"What are you doing here?" he asks in a whisper. He doesn't even look at me as he keeps pushing himself slowly.
"I was looking for you" I say as I drape the coat I have with me for him over his shivering shoulders.
"Why? Didn't you push me away?" he asks and his voice sounds raspy.
"I did" I say slowly.
"Why?"
"Because I'm an idiot Peeta" I tell him as I sit in the swing next to his. "I'm sorry"
"Why did you do it Katniss? And today of all days…" he says as if to himself.
"I just…"
"The truth Katniss…I deserve the truth" he tells me without moving.
"I know you want to get married and have kids. I know you want to have all those things and I know I can't give them to you and I can't keep you from being happy…I love you too much to keep you from what you wish for" I tell him slowly. The lump in my throat is getting bigger by the second because this is the first time I have ever told him this and it is being incredibly hard.
Peeta starts laughing and coughs a little. It sounds bitter, it sounds dry.
"You love me too much to keep me from what I wish for?"
"Peeta…"
"Shut up" he says slowly. "Have I ever given you any reason to think that I am not happy with you? Have I ever said anything to make you think that?"
I can only shake my head. I have caught his wistful looks and smiles but as soon as they appear they disappear to give room to his smiles. And that has never changed. He's really never said anything.
"Then why do you think that I'm not happy, Katniss? I know I want those things but I only want them with you…not with anyone else…I will leave you if that's what you want from me but only If it is because you wish me to leave not because you think you will make me happy that way because it won't" he says and he sighs. "I'm happy, so it won't" he says slowly and the tears finally spill from my eyes. "I want those things but not if it means that you won't be there with me…I can't picture anyone else…"
"I'm sorry. I ruined Christmas Eve" I say as I stand up and hug him from behind. I can feel him shivering violently still and as I place my lips against his cheek I feel how frozen his skin is. "I love you and I don't want you to leave…I'm just sorry that I am not who you deserve by your side"
He just shakes his head as I rub his arms to try to get him to warm up.
"It is okay but I really think that is up to me to decide who I deserve by my side. Who I want by my side" he says so I stand in front of him and take his cold hand in mine and pull him up to his feet. He sways a little and I steady him as I look up worriedly to his face.
"What's wrong?" I ask him and he blinks slowly as if dazed.
"I just got lightheaded for a minute" he says and I look at him worriedly. He feels cold to my freezing hands but by the glazed look on his eyes he probably has a fever. That cold could only have gotten worse with him sitting in the snow for God knows how long.
I take the pair of gloves I have in my pocket and put them on his hands. I take my scarf from around my neck and put it on his trying to warm him up. He doesn't stop shivering as we walk back to the apartment. Well, it is more like I'm walking and he is leaning heavily on me.
I call Prim. I just tell her that Peeta is sick and that I need her help. I don't dwell on details. She would kill me if she knew what I did.
As we reach the apartment I see Prim standing outside the door looking at me with a smile on her face that vanishes when she looks at Peeta with his head down and barely walking. She runs to us and stands on the other side of Peeta putting his arm around her shoulders.
She sits him in the couch and starts barking orders.
"Get him dry clothes Katniss these are drenched with sweat" she tells me as she places her hands on Peeta's forehead. "You should be lying down! What were you doing outside in this weather and like this!?" she asks him but he only manages to shrug looking at her with bloodshot eyes that seem glazed.
"Hey Primmy!" he greets her and she sighs upset.
"Hi Peeta!" she says as she goes out to pick some stuff up and I start to change him while she is away. Taking his pants off is easy. Taking his hoodie and shirt off is the hard part. He feels hot to the touch now that we are inside the apartment and he is sweating like crazy but somehow he keeps shivering all the same. He moans a little when I put the dry warm pajama top over his head. I push him back then and help him lie back on the couch.
"Prim will help you feel better" I tell him and he just nods but I'm not sure how much he is actually listening to. He seems out of it probably due to the high fever.
And this is my entire fault. I should have gone out there behind him and bring him back. I should have explained better what I was feeling and why instead of pushing him away without explaining further. I should have done so many things and yet I didn't and once again Peeta is hurt by my actions.
"I need you to put the thermometer in his mouth" Prim's voice sounds from the kitchen. She comes out with it and a bowl of water and compresses.
"Peeta, I need to take your temperature" I tell him and he nods without opening his eyes just opening his mouth.
"His fever is too high" Prim tells me after checking the thermometer. "Put these on his head to help him cool down. Give him these pills and make sure to keep him hydrated"
"Thank you for coming" I tell my little sister who rushed here from Rory's house just to help me.
"I will leave when his fever is a little lower" she says eyeing Peeta who is still shivering under the cocoon of blankets I made him. "What happened Katniss? Peeta never gets sick. I mean he does but never to this point" she tells me seriously.
"We had a fight"
"A fight over what?" Prim asks me. I know she is wondering what kind of fight would make him leave home when is snowing and on Christmas Eve. This is his favorite time of year and we have always spent it the same way ever since we became a couple. What kind of fight would break Peeta's patience and kindness to the point of pushing him away? My little sister is wondering and I know it.
"Delly and Thom's baby. You marrying Rory. Me being an idiot over those things" I tell her and she nods. She knows what I mean with all those facts that I just pointed out.
"You are my sister and I love you." She tells me and looks me into the eyes as she takes my hand and looks at Peeta's pale face. "But you have to stop this!" she tells me sternly. "I know that all those problems between mom and dad marked you; but Katniss…Peeta isn't dad and you are not mom…so please would you put aside all those pre conceived ideas that you have about what marrying and having kids mean and open up? You love him Katniss and I don't think I can imagine you being as happy as you are without him…you are too far gone" she tells me squeezing my hand.
I know she is right. I know that my fears come exactly from that. I've been with Peeta since I was 19 and we were friends all the years prior to starting our relationship…getting married and having kids it's what comes when you are 27 and you have been together for this long for normal people…but I'm scared.
"Katniss…don't push him away" she tells me as she takes the thermometer and puts it in his mouth. "It's the same" she says with concern. "I have to leave Katniss but promise me to think about what I said. Don't leave him alone. Keep watching his temperature. Keep him hydrated and if it goes up call me or take him to the hospital".
"Okay" I say. I wish she didn't have to leave. Peeta doesn't look too good and I 'm worried that once she leaves he is going to get worse.
It's been a couple of hours after Prim left when Peeta's temperature goes up. He starts calling me in his delirious state and he apologizes over and over again. I don't know why because it should be me who should be asking for forgiveness. He kicks the covers and I put them back but after the third time he's done it I find that is easier to keep him from struggling if I'm sitting next to him so that's what I do as I stroke his hair.
"Katniss…" he calls my name. I move to get a glass of water to wet his lips since he can't drink but they are very dry.
"I'm here…I'm not leaving you" he opens his eyes and takes his hand out from the blankets cocoon and takes my arm.
"I left" he tells me. I don't think he is conscious of what is going on right now since his eyes are glazed over. It's like he is seeing something or he is somewhere else in his head.
"No" I tell him but he starts shaking his head.
"I shouldn't have left. I should've convinced you" he tells me. "I was going to try today to…"
"You were going to try today to what?" I ask as I wonder what he is talking about.
"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry" he says as he trashes and closes his eyes again. I'm worried so I go to the kitchen and call Prim to know what to do as I change the compresses over his forehead. She tells me that it hasn't gone up a great deal. That I should just give him another pill and wait but if it gets higher than it is at the moment I should take him to the hospital.
I give him the pill and cry as I watch over him over the night. He shivers and trashes as if he is trapped inside his nightmares. I don't know what they are about because he only whimpers and tenses or calls my name and that's it. I wonder if his nightmares are about me leaving him like I fear he will leave me.
"Katniss…" he calls me around one in the morning.
"Hey…" I tell him as he opens his eyes and smiles at me; I comb his hair with my fingers. I love him so much and it kills me to see him like this because it's my fault.
"Merry Christmas" he tells me as he looks at the clock above the TV. My eyes fill with tears once again.
"Merry Christmas Peeta. I love you" I tell him as I kiss his forehead and he smiles closing his eyes.
This is probably his worst Christmas ever. I know how much he loves the season and the presents and sharing with his family and with me. I ruined it. I don't know why of all days I picked exactly this one to do this to him. I feel like crying. But I decide that I've done enough crying for one day. I take the gifts out from the closet that I bought for him and place them under the tree. Then I get back to his side and start singing his favorite Christmas carol. He smiles in his sleep and that's all I need at the moment. In a couple of hours when he wakes and he is better I will make it up to him, I decide. I will make it up to him big time.
"Katniss" a rough voice and a hand combing through my hair wakes me up. I feel warm and safe and I don't really want to move so I snuggle closer to the source of the warmth. "Katniss" he repeats so I open one eye to see what is going on and I see his blue eyes looking back at me. They are red rimmed and still seem a little glassy but he looks awake.
"Peeta!" I open both of my eyes and realize exactly where I am. I don't know how but through the few hours that I managed to sleep after Peeta's fever diminished I ended up curled next to him on the couch.
"Merry Christmas" he smiles when I place my hand on his face and my eyes water. How can he be acting like if nothing happened yesterday? Like if the state he's at this very moment isn't my fault?
"I'm sorry" I tell him and I hug him as good as I can with him still lying down on the couch. "I'm so sorry"
"Shhh…it's okay…don't worry" he soothes me with his hand on my back.
"I didn't mean what I said…I didn't want you to leave" I tell him as tears keep spilling from my eyes and I release him. I place my hand on his forehead and I find it a little warm but considerably cooler than yesterday night when he was hallucinating.
"It's okay. I didn't react pretty well either. I left". He says, his eyes flooding with regret.
"I provoked you Peeta" I say as I get up and go to the kitchen for fresh water for the compresses. I come back after pulling myself up a little bit and find him still lying down. He probably still doesn't feel good. I place a new compress on his forehead.
"It really was me who did it" he tells me resting his arm over his forehead with the now warm compress. "I asked you what was wrong…do you not remember that?"
"Yeah…but I looked for the fight…stop trying to blame yourself…would you?" I tell him angry. "It wasn't really your fault. I had been thinking about things for a while and I was being a pain in the ass. I know it" I sigh. "I should've told you what I was feeling"
"Yeah, you should have. But I shouldn't have kept quiet for as long as I did when I knew something was wrong with you. I saw you act like that ever since we went to Thom and Delly's and then with Prim and Rory's announcement it got a little worse. I knew what it was about but I wanted to spend the holidays like we always do so I let it go until today obviously. I screwed things up" he sighs.
I run my fingers over his arm.
"I love you" I tell him, because I need him to know. I need him to know that even though I am pushing him away I still feel the same way about him.
"I know. I love you too, you know that. But we should talk about this" he tells me opening his eyes.
"Not right now" I tell him as I give him a pill and a glass of water.
"Right now" he says.
"You are not feeling good Peeta. You were really sick last night and you are weak. This is not the moment"
"Of course it is!" he exclaims sitting up, grunting and then falling back on the couch. "Ugh! My head is killing me" he says and I shake my head.
"Exactly my point, Mister! You need to eat" I tell him standing up and heading for the kitchen.
"Wait!" he yells after me. "First we open the gifts then we eat breakfast! You can't ruin tradition!" he tells me from the couch. I sigh.
"What part of: you are sick and weak didn't you get?" I ask him looking at him seriously. He blinks slowly with his long lashes that he knows I love so much. His face is still pale and there are dark circles under his eyes from his restless night but he still looks beautiful to me.
"Because I'm sick and weak you need to be complacent Katniss. Presents now!" he says pointedly and I just laugh.
"Okaaaaaaay Peeta" I smile.
"My gifts go first" he tells me.
"Where did you hide them?" I ask him excited. I haven't forgotten the precarious territory in which our relationship is but if I can enjoy this Christmas next to him that's going to last me a while.
The hiding place for his presents has been a mystery for years. It doesn't matter how hard I look everywhere I am never able to find the mysterious hiding place. I even checked the seating under the windows once because in an episode of friends there's where Monica hid them. The presents weren't there.
"You don't think I will actually tell you, do you?" he asks me with a smile. I shake my head and help him to his feet as he instructs me to go to the kitchen while he fetches them.
After a few minutes he comes back with a bunch of gifts and sits in the couch again.
"I wasn't going to give you this one" he says looking at a small package that is on his hands. "After how you had been acting I thought it better to keep it until things got better. Maybe…you just didn't want to be with me anymore. It crossed my mind several times. I guess that's why I ran away today. I was dreading you leaving me…But I think I should give it to you now that I can" he tells me with a smile and hands the small package.
My hands are shaking. He dreaded me leaving him? What does he mean with that? I dreaded him leaving me! I know I'm far from perfect so I don't understand why someone like him would dread someone like me leaving him. I guess that even though I can give him what he needs to be happy he still wants to be with me and that breaks my heart as much as it makes it soar.
I open the box delicately and inside the first box there is another box from a local jeweler. I pale.
"Peeta…" I say as my eyes fill with tears because I don't really know what to say or what to think.
"Open it Katniss" he tells me with a smile.
I do and there in the middle is a silver chain with a pearl, a shiny dark gray pearl. A pearl I've seen before and I thought I had lost forever.
"Is this?" I ask as my eyes fill with tears.
"Yeah, that's the pearl I gave you…the one I found in that oyster when we were in Hawaii"
"I thought I had lost it" I tell him as I take it out and put it against my lips.
"It was lost. I found it a few weeks ago and I thought it would be a great gift to give it to you like this so you wouldn't lose it again. I also wanted to give it to you as a promise thing" he tells me and I look up into his eyes. "Just hear me out" he tells me as he takes my hand in his.
"Peeta…" I look at him. His blue eyes shining in his pale face he must still feel pretty bad and yet he is smiling.
"I've known since I was a kid that I wanted to be with you. I've seen other girls and met other girls as you know but not a single one left an impression on me". He adds the last part as he sees me opening my mouth. He knows that I always argue that he dated other girls and stuff. " It was always you for me. I knew that you didn't want to have a relationship but I stick close to you because I knew that as soon as I found a way I would convince you to be with me and I did" he tells me and I laugh because I know he is right.
I denied him for years the chance to have a date or anything even when I knew that I sort of liked him too. And then one day I realized he had grown on me and I finally relented.
"I love you and I want to marry you and I want to have kids with you Katniss Everdeen. I want all those things with you and with no one else in the world. This is a promise. A promise that It doesn't matter how long it takes I will stick close to you as I did in the past because I know that as soon as I find a way I will be able to convince you to marry me and have kids. And I don't care how long I have to wait as long as I wait by your side I'll wait as long as needed to ask you to be my wife" he finishes.
I'm crying. Embarrassing loud sobs are wracking my body as I clutch tightly to the pearl.
What was I thinking when I thought that I could let him go and have all those things without me?! What was I thinking when I thought I could live without him!? I need him to survive. I need him to live.
"Ask me" I tell him between sobs.
"What?" he asks me and he pales.
"Ask me" I tell him again wiping my tears from my eyes and I smile to him.
"You want me to…"
"The only thing I want is for you to be happy. I thought that you could only be happy if I let you go to have all the things that you wish for with someone who could give them to you" I tell him as I take his face in my hands. "I know now that I was stupid. I forced you to go out in the snow and I got you sick. I made you have the worst Christmas Ever when all I wanted was to push you away so you could be happy. But I don't think I can survive without you. I just can't. I want you with me. Always" I tell him seriously and press my lips to his. I'm having an epiphany. I don't know why but this feels right. And all those pre conceived ideas about marriage go out the window when I look into his eyes. All I know is that I want him to be mine and to be his and it doesn't matter that I have to get married because I want it. I want it now because I want him and that's enough. "If you don't ask me I will" I tell him with a smile when I place my forehead against his still unnaturally warm one.
"This isn't how I always pictured it" he frowns and pulls a few things from his pocket. He takes a gum stick that is in his sweatpants and makes a band of sorts with the silver wrapper the gum forgotten for the moment. "But it will have to do as you are being very demanding Miss Everdeen" he tells me as he takes my hand. "Marry me?" he asks finally his blue eyes shining.
"Always" I answer with a smile as I jump into his arms squashing the silver paper band on the process. We both laugh at the destroyed ring.
"Damn!" he exclaims to the destroyed ring. "Now you won't marry me!" he tells me seriously trying to fix the gum wrap.
"What?!" I ask him between laughs. "Why?!"
"Because I'm pretty sure you are just marrying me because of the special ring" he tells me smiling.
"Shut up you dork!" I tell him as I kiss him everywhere I can. "I love you!"
"Best Christmas Ever" he tells me between kisses and smiles.
Peeta spent the better part of that Christmas in that couch recovering. He was happy. He allegedly felt better immediately after our engagement but it wasn't the truth. He was pretty sick and it took a while for him to get back to his normal self.
When Prim heard I had listened to her and that we were engaged she couldn't stop squealing in the receiver for the better part of an hour. She wasn't alone, Peeta was squealing with her of course.
We are sitting in the same couch where a year ago that big fight happened. We are not fighting right now. We are just watching movies and eating junk food like we were supposed to do a year ago. I take his hand and start playing with the silver band that is on his finger. You must think I'm an idiot for thinking it but every time I see it in his finger it screams at me MINE and it never fails to make me smile, to know that someone so good is by my side and loves me as much as he does.
We got married a few months after the proposal with the summer sun high in the sky. We married at the beach house of Finnick and Annie and Nick was the ring boy. We invited our closest friends and our parents. It was a small wedding but a day I will never forget. I will never forget Peeta's face as I walked to him to the altar. It just made any doubt left fly out of the window.
I won't say it has been easy. There have been rough patches and several moments in which both of us thought we wouldn't make it. But he showed me every single time that things can be good again and that as long as we are together anything is possible.
I would like to tell you that the fact that we got engaged and that I accepted to get married fixed everything but it didn't. The kids thing is still an issue but Peeta has been true to his word and hasn't pressured me or mentioned anything about it. I know he is patiently waiting and I know that he is going to get what he wants. He always does after all. The rings on my finger proof that.
His present this Christmas will prove to that.
I smile as I place my hand on my still flat tummy and look at him. He doesn't even imagine the Christmas gift that he is about to get.
I just wonder if this Christmas will beat last year's for him.
When I wake up it is pretty much the way I did the year before. Snuggling into him enveloped in warmth.
"Merry Christmas" he whispers in my ear as I snuggle even closer into him. I sink my face into his chest breathing him in.
"Hey" I smile.
"Hey" he answers me and my hands immediately start sweating as he looks at me with shiny blue eyes. "Can you believe we are here a year later married?" he asks me. "Is this real?"
"Real Peeta" I smile. He's been asking me if it is real ever since we got engaged because he truly couldn't believe that I had said yes, even more so after thinking that he would have to wait for a long time.
"Presents time?" he asks with a big smile but he doesn't really is letting me go.
"Presents time" I nod trying to stand up but he doesn't let me. "Peeta…you really will want to open up this one!" I tell him with a smile.
I know how curious he is and that this is his favorite part of Christmas. So it isn't a surprise that he lets me go almost immediately. He stands up and runs who knows where to retrieve his gifts as I do mine.
"I'll go first" I tell him and he arches his eyebrows quizzically. I never go first.
"Ok" he says as he places his hands in front of me expecting his gift. "You said that I will really want to open up this one! So give me!" he says wiggling his fingers to me.
"Here" I tell him as I place the long small package in his hands. "It's been yours for a while now but I decided to give it to you today…well, I decided to let you know today" I tell him as I watch him destroy the wrapping paper with little santas. I've been nervous about telling him. We weren't trying, we were being careful but somehow it still happened and I was surprised and nervous and happy…all at the same time.
"What…?" he trails off as he sees what's inside the box, then he picks up the pregnancy test with his fingers and looks at it in awe. He looks up at me as if asking me if this is real and I smile as I nod. "Are you serious?!" he asks me as he stands up and picks me up jumping up and down. Tears trail down his cheeks as do in mine. "Happy tears! Happy tears!" he tells me as I wipe his tears with my thumbs. He kisses me deeply and puts me down only to embrace me again placing his ear against my tummy and ghosting his fingers over it. "Is this real?" he asks.
"Real" I tell him nodding and smiling. Just watching him so happy makes me wonder why it took me so long to relent completely to Peeta's wishes.
"Best Christmas Ever!", he practically yells as he proceeds to talk to our daughter because he swears that's what the baby will be. "Best Christmas Ever…" he repeats in awe and I guess I have my answer there.
I hope you enjoy it! Happy Holidays to you all!