My first fanfic so be gentle QwQ
Disclaimer: I don't own Gintama or it's characters, otherwise Gintoki would be Hijikata's uke.
Pairing: GinHiji
Warnings: Yaoi (malexmale), main character death.
The story's contents are AU, but are happening in the same universe and story line, only a little altered. I won't explain what has happened, anyone who reads can decide that on their own. The story is a bit (a lot) confusing and the pow keeps changing, but it won't change until ¨xx¨ these sings, you should be able to get the pows right though.
That said, I hope you enjoy :)
Dying is nothing like people say it is. You don't see a blinding light, or meet the faces of the ones you have already left behind. Your sins won't be judged, you won't burn, you won't be freed. It's cold, lonely and then there's only emptiness. And that's it.
xx
His breathing was shallow, every breath he inhaled burned his throat and he fought the urge to hurl since there was nothing to hurl. It was fucking freezing. Even with his clouded eyes he could see the steam floating almost sleepily with every pant he huffed out of his tired lungs.
He stumbled for what felt like the millionth time in the last ten minutes and leaned to the wall next to him.
Blood continued to trip trough the fabrics of his clothes and even if he held his stomach so hard that his trembling fingers couldn't bring any more strength forward, it didn't cease.
He heard the noises coming closer and stumbled a little faster until he couldn't any more. He let himself slide down against a tree after he limped to a small park from between the houses.
He just laid there for a while, panting his eyes closed, slices of his hair draining down his forehead.
He slowly lifted his hands. He had always been strong so he was a little surprised when he noticed his hands shaking out of control, they were glinting with red in the mild lights of the city next to him and under the menacing red they were almost grayish.
They just wouldn't stop shaking, damn it... And he was so fucking cold.
And then he knew.
He was going to die.
And this time there was no question that it was finally happening for real. He had escaped for so many times already, enough to know when he was too far down the bath of destruction.
He let out a small chuckle that came out weak and out of breath. There was no tears as he lolled his head to his shoulder and turned his dark red eyes towards the city.
Far away he could see the place where it all had happened, dark flames could bee seen as far away as where he was. As he faced the inferno he started to smile a small, fond smile as he caressed his bloodied stomach.
He wasn't afraid or sad.
It was already alright.
xx
No, no, no, no, nononononono...
That idiot, that fucking deadfisheyed, troublemaking, sweettoothed, lazy, natural-perm... IDIOT!
Please, he pleaded in his head as he ran as fast as he could, following the path of red.
Please, let that idiot be alright.
xx
The idiot wasn't alright.
He could just stare with a blank face and a frozen mind and body.
He couldn't move for a minute, that felt like forever. The whole world swayed and he fell to his knees next to the impossibly small figure of the man he loved.
His silver hair was glued to his grayish skin and his beautiful eyes were closed peacefully, making dark shadows to his cheekbones. His lips that usually were spouting nonsense were lightly parted and would have looked blueish if they weren't covered in red that continued to his chin, slowly dripping to his chest, where it continued to grow bigger and bigger, until his eyes slid to the stomach. Oh, the stomach.
He broke out of his trance before he could empty his guts.
Slowly, with trembling hands he lifted the mans chin and gently shook him.
''Hey.. Please, open you eyes.. I'm begging you.'' His usually low voice sounded impossibly high and thin as he stumbled with his words.
But he didn't care what he sounded like, or if his normally calm face was filled with fear, panic.
The other man didn't answer, or even acknowledge that he had heard the dark haired one.
The gray skin felt cold under the blue-eyed man's hands as he continued to shake the other's shoulder.
''Please...'' It came out as a hoarse sob, even if there was no tears.
He let his panicked eyes stare at the bloodied body underneath him as there was no answer. He felt the panic grow, eat him from inside and he wanted to cry, scream, curse.. Do anything, for the tragedy before his eyes to disappear.
''Stop shaking me, you damn mayo-bastard.'' The sweet, silent voice of his lover made him lift his eyes full of hope.
The silver haired man lifted the corner of his mouth to a weak smirk as the heavy-lidded eyes watched the slightly older and taller man above him.
Never had he felt so happy hearing the voice of his lover or seeing the smart and witty eyes staring into his own with a challenge he was never able to resist.
''You idiot.. You really scared me there.'' He would have felt embarrassed about how his voice broke in few places, if he hadn't felt so much relief.
''Sorry.''
His lover's voice sounded far too gentle which made him frown a little. The curly haired man was many things, but never openly gentle, he had always been too damaged for that.
But he chose to ignore the sign of not to feel so relieved.
''Just wait a bit, I will call an ambulance... Tough then the police will find you, except if I say I already arrested you, they won't need to come until for a while... But you'll need quite long to recover so that won't do.. I could call the headquarters, we could let you stay until your recovery..-'' His out of character rambling was stopped when the other man crashed their lips together with surprising power considering his condition.
He was quick to respond and he reached his hand around his partners waist as he pulled the other closer.
The bloody lips against his own were gentle and somehow the kiss seemed wistful, lingering on with soft presses of their lips. His lover's fingers felt ice cold and soft as they wandered from his cheeks to his neck, where they gently tucked his hair until the long fingers roamed trough his hair and pulled him in deeper for a moment, until the man under him slid away, back against the tree.
He could feel the fear grow again, fresh and raw, tickling underneath his skin, crawling up and down his spine, suffocating him.
He knew this wasn't normal, it was anything from normal. This gentle manner, almost as if the other was saying something like goodbye? He felt himself freeze again as he looked at the other man, really looked at him.
The dark red eyes were gentle and tired, so tired that it broke his heart. The person he loved the most in the whole world looked so fragile and it wasn't right. The person he knew was irritating, a little mysterious sometimes, from time to time just stupid, but never this tired. And most of all, never fragile. The silver haired man had earned the name White Demon, because he was strong, the strongest person he knew. So it shattered his soul and seized his heart to see the other look so tiny and lifeless.
He wanted to help, step between the other and the world and just make everything better, so the other wouldn't look like that, like he had already given up on living.
Dying.
The thought hit him hard.
Dying.
The most beautiful, the strongest person he knew.
Dying.
He didn't know what to do and for the first time in his life, he felt completely useless and powerless. Because he knew, that there was nothing he could do, expect watch the other man die and let his own soul go with him.
xx
He didn't care about the pain or the fact that soon he wouldn't be anymore.
The only thing he could see or care about was the dark haired cop above him.
He saw clearly when the other realized what was actually happening as the face he loved slowly turned blank, the steel-blue eyes staring into his own red ones with pain so strong that the pain in his body seemed like nothing.
As quickly as possible, almost desperately he reached his arms to the other man's neck as he pulled the other close.
He didn't care even if his body screamed in protest or even if he felt blood flow faster from his stomach.
He hanged to the other like that could save them both from the harsh reality.
The warm body against his own reminded him of how cold his own was and even when he tried with all of his power he couldn't bring the other as close as he wanted.
For the first time after realizing that he was going to die he felt frustrated and scared.
Without the other man, he wouldn't want to be anywhere not even in death.
It was frightening to even think of a place without the other.
He tried to grip the other even harder but he started to feel numb.
Panicking he tried to hang on harder to the other's shoulder, but slowly, forcefully his body fell back against the tree.
He let a quiet whimper escape his lips as he watched the other man's still blank face.
Thinking that he had caused all that pain he finally felt the tears fall as he grew colder and colder. More and more numb.
He parted his trembling lips as he stared at the other with pleading eyes.
''I'm so sorry.''
xx
His world was slowly turning to dust.
He felt all the power escape his body as his mind grew painfully empty.
He had never loved before like he had with the other man. And he had never felt as loved as he felt with the other.
After meeting with the man with silver hair and red eyes his world had changed and became new with colors he had never seen before, sounds he hadn't heard and feelings he hadn't known to exist. He had slowly, day after day felt more alive, until he felt nothing could stop him.
All thanks to the other.
xx
He snapped out of his own mind as he heard a silent plead for forgiveness.
His lover watched him with eyes full of sorrow, grief and fear and for what felt like the billionth time his heart broke to pieces as he noticed the tears on the other man's cheeks.
He hadn't seen the other cry, never, ever and the fact that he cried made him finally move as he wrapped his arms around the other.
'' 'S alright.'' He managed to whisper, even tough they both knew it was a lie.
They stayed just like that for a long time. Him holding the others numb body while the other didn't (couldn't) respond.
It was something that couldn't be described. The pain and sorrow was just too much to handle as he slowly felt the other's life drain out of the body, all over him and the ground, painting the world to a crimson red.
And at that moment all he could feel was hate.
Hate towards the world, that was slowly turning red and crumbling to dust under his feet, leaving no place for him to stand.
Hate for taking this man from him.
And anger.
Anger towards the people who had caused this.
Blood-lust.
Towards them who had spilled the blood of his world's creator.
Betrayal.
Towards the man he loved, for the fact that he was leaving him alone.
Confusion.
Why? Why did this have to happen.
Without being able to do anything and only to hang to the other, he felt so hopeless as he could only ask the universe - why?
''Why did you do it?'' He asked as he reluctantly let the other go and pulled back enough to face the other.
Red eyes met his, tired and once again gentle.
''Because I had to.''
''Was it more important?'' He gulped his anger and hurt and continued after he could control his broken voice: ''More important than being with me?''
The other shook his head just a little, wincing from the pain.
''You know that's not it. I just had to... I never thought it would lead to this.''
Both men let their eyes wander towards the glow of the inferno at the city.
As he saw the red eyes soften with pride, as if a pain had been lifted from his soul, he felt the anger disappear.
After that they just stared at each other in silence.
There were no words as he watched the other for what felt like a last time.
As it was.
The red eyes that were once so strong and hard were now gentle and soft, adsorbing his own blue ones in his gaze. After what felt like forever he saw the bloodied lips part just a little as the red eyes seemed to grow more deep and passionate.
''I love you.''
It was a whisper, but he heard the message loud and clear. It wasn't just three words that he already knew.
It was an ending to their story.
He slowly lifted his hand, firm and in control, to the other man's icy cheek.
''I love you.'' He replied and stared hard into the other man's eyes as the other man lifted his lips to one last smirk and he saw the challenge he so much loved.
Then there was nothing.
The gaze he loved so much turned glossy and he knew, that it was really over.
It didn't matter how much you fought, or how much you didn't want it, or deserve it.
It would still happen.
He finally felt his tears falling as he felt the never-ending pain of losing his everything.
xx
It was cold and lonely.
That's it, I hope you liked it and that I managed to make it somehow sad enough :)
Please review.
(oh and don't mind the possible writing mistakes, english is not my first language and I don't have a beta)