Clarke,
My hands have always been good with swords; they have always been good with spears, even with soil and blood.
I do not know how to do this. I do not know how to let my fingers hold this imaginary paper, this imaginary pen, this imaginary longing.
The streets are packed. I see voiceless faces parading around me at all times. It is ever consuming, watching them, trying to find that glimmer of hope every single day. Trying to find traces of you, just you.
It is said there is no pain, but I beg to differ. There is. I carry it within me. The pain of not having said what my heart is pointlessly attempting to express at this very moment. The pain of having been so brave all my life except for that instant that was far too brief and then forever gone.
I should have told you I loved you back, because I do. I love you, Clarke. And I always will, even if this City of Light one day is wiped out and turned into oblivion. I will love you even if the last star dies and its shine fades away. I will love you with all I have, with all I am, infinitely. I know it. I can feel it with every breath, with every step and with every shooting star I gaze upon in the shadow of your absence.
I never understood how the universe worked until I found you. Until you found me.
What were the odds, Clarke? For a dying star to crash in my utopian forest.
The world so vast, so endless, so dead… And for you to be so full of life and hope.
What were the odds? For you to run into me, inevitably, and melting the ice that had taken hold of my heart…
Yes. You were right. I had been just surviving. I had forgotten how to wake up having something to hold on to and then your smile burned brighter than a thousand candles and I learned to live again.
You, with your stubbornness, with your kindness, with your ferocity and your hopefulness.
You, with those beautiful blue eyes that hold the secrets to this universe.
What were the odds, Clarke?
From all the battled I won, the only time I lost was to your heart. And I am glad I did. I will forever be grateful for having been defeated so beautifully by your gentle soul. For I would have been dead if I had not found you.
So, here, from where I stand. This dead,this strange existence, is just a small price compared to the joy of having held you in my arms. This, this loneliness in a faraway place is bearable because the memory of you keeps my heart beating.
I remember. I do remember every single moment I spent with you, Clarke. And it is everything. You are my everything.
Your kisses. Your hands. Your whispers while our bodies made a home in each other's breath.
I had never knowns somethings so powerful, so pure. You made my heart sing, Clarke and I will hold that melody dear for the centuries to come. I promise.
I promise.
I hope you rise from the ashes, Clarke. I believe my legacy will live on through you. I hope that, even if I cannot witness it, your warm soul brings peace into the world I swore to protect.
And maybe someday, like you said, you will not owe anything to our people and the sky will open above me and you will fall here, in my arms. I will be there to catch you because that is all the fire in my heart wants. You.
I will be here, waiting for you, my love. Until we meet again.
Lexa