Story soundtrack: Recovery - James Arthur
Disclaimer: I sadly do not own the amazing book series that inspired me to write this fanfiction, nor the characters that come with it.
RECOVERY
Out of suffering, has emerged the strongest souls.
- unknown
Her eyes were dry. Her cheeks watery. Breathing through her nose was only a distant memory as for the fact that it kept running in harmony with all the tears that escaped her eyes as she'd cry.
And she cried a lot.
Really, the only thing she'd be able to do was cry and sob which was followed up by a complete break down now and then, that seemed to occur more and more often these days. She'd thought that she'd be at least partly healed by now. But now, the more time that passed, it seemed as if she was being torn apart on the inside, even more viciously then before.
Lately; even when she slept, she would cry. And she would scream and toss herself around in bed, her arms punching through thin air as she tried to escape the vivd nightmares taunting her every wakening - and sleeping - hour.
Sam and Astrid would take turns on waking her up in the middle of the night, when the nightmares were too bad. And her screams to loud. They'd either be woken by her painful shrieks or the phone calls of annoyed neighbors who's sleep would be interrupted every night since the trio moved into the apartment.
So they'd wake her. They never said much, though she knew that their intentions were that it was better if she lost sleep, rather then every single other person living in the flat loosing it. So she'd just have to be the selfless one and give up her sleep for them to stay conscious in a relaxing trance.
Not that she ever wanted them too. It didn't matter how cranky everyone else would be when they had to go to work after a sleep deprived night. Because no matter how bad their night might have been because of her; her night was always ten times worse. Because of him.
Yet, all she wanted was to keep sleeping. Keep dreaming. It didn't matter how much noise she made, how much it would annoy others. She didn't care about them. She cared about herself.
And all though it pained her to go through the shitcrap that her nights consisted of, it didn't matter. As long as she'd be able to see his face. His beautiful features containing of a pair of manipulative, chestnut eyes and an arrogant smirk, yet so shy when it was directed at her. His face framed by his chocolate brown, smooth hair. And his muscular body. Even when they had gone through starvation, he was indescribably beautiful.
But there was no need to be woken by anyone know though. She was just lying there. Staring heavily at the empty wall before her. That is what she usually did.
The first three months had mostly consisted of her moving around from one house to another, moving on to the next one before she would have the chance to ever properly settle down.
But now she had gotten that chance. She had even gotten the chance to start over, though that didn't really seem like an opportunity to her.
Those two weeks since she moved into the apartment had been spent in bed, and most of that consisted of her crying silently as she stared into the darkness where the wall would've been, hadn't it been for the fact that all sources of light were blocked out.
The room was seemingly abandoned to anyone who hadn't actually seen Diana enter the room in the first place. And sometimes, not even Astrid nor Sam could be to sure that she was there. The only thing to truly confirm her location was her piercing screams and melancholy sobs.
Though the sobbing went on frequently, the screaming still was a rare case these days as for the fact that she stayed awake. So she was just lying there. In the darkness, in the silence. Very much like how the FAYZ had been for just a couple of days before the dome turned transparent.
Before the dome turned transparent.
Before Gaia killed uncountably many people in the most grotesque and ruthless ways.
Before he had died.
She shut the thoughts out. And as soon as she did so, he reentered her vision. She closed her eyes, imagining his voice, his soft touches. So careful to touch her. As if she was a fragile object that could be easily damaged. In a way she was. She was fragile. And just the slightest touch might hurt her.
But even with closed eyes, lying in the quiet room in the dark, sleep never seemed to take over.
It was impossible to just go to bed and fall asleep. Unlike anyone else, sleep never seemed to come to her, no matter how tired she was. And that is another reason for her not wanting to be woken up whenever the nightmares would break through. Because when she finally fell asleep, she wanted to stay that way. Instead, she'd be woken up, and have to stay that way for days, crying her eyes out.
What made it worse was seeing Sam and Astrid in that apartment everyday. They were just added upon the reasons of her locking herself into the bedroom. They kept acting so happy around one another. Around her. Sickly happy. Utterly fake. Too loving, too caring.
Kissing.
Hugging.
Smiling so brightly at each other, like everything that had happened in the past, was left behind. In the past. All pain was suddenly gone. Just like the adults once had been. But they had returned. And so would the pain. Eventually, the pain would be back, nagging at their very souls.
But they had each other, didn't they? Whenever a nightmare erupted from the back of their minds, they would awake beside each other. Soothing the other back to sleep, without even being aware of doing so.
But she didn't. All she had was that image of him. Those pictures left in her mind of him. They were slowly fading away. The way his lips felt against hers. His hands on her hips. Her hands in his hair. The way he breathed into the corner of her neck. The way he smelt. How he flashed his teeth in such a charismatic way whenever he smiled, and how the muscles in his chin would be pulled into a frown as she'd send a sarcastic comment in his direction.
And she was forgetting it. All of it. But she refused to let go. Not just yet. Not ever.
Even though, all memories left of him were tied to the FAYZ. All the crimes he had committed. She had stood by his side through it all, good and bad - mostly bad, obviously. And now she was the one who was the one being punished for it all.
No. That wasn't fair. Not fair at all.
He had sacrificed his life for her. For her to live on. Grow old and live happily ever after with some handsome gentleman who would treat her like a princess.
'Oh God...' she groaned, pulling a pillow over her head, banning the slightest sunlight that had found its way through the curtains.
That wish included enough clichés for a lifetime.
How on earth could she live happily ever after, when she had been through hell. Literally. If the FAYZ wasn't hell, what was? All those memories that had come with it and no one would be by her side when she woke up from parodied flashbacks, turned into nightmares. Other then a grumpy Astrid or exhausted Sam, of course.
She didn't want a gentleman. She wanted Caine. He didn't treat her fairly, and he sure as hell wasn't a gentleman, but he had surrendered for her to conquer. And when all is said and done, she knew that there hadn't been any ulterior motives to it. He sacrificed his body to Little Pete, so that Diana wouldn't have to. So that she could live.
What she was doing these days certainly didn't count as living...
And she wasn't a princess and clearly, she never would be one either. She used to be a queen though, back in the FAYZ. Just for a couple of hours, of course. Those few hours that passed from Caine defeating the bugs, to her joining Sam and the others at the Lake. But she hadn't just been a queen, she had been his queen. Even though he had totally forgotten about her in the moment, she knew it was true.
Her hands put extra pressure onto the pillow as it smudged her face.
Not with enough strength to get smothered, just enough to rub her tears fiercely across her face. Just enough for her jaw length, matted hair to get tangled up even further.
She couldn't remember the last time she had showered. Not to mention washed her hair. Now, it was all just one big lump of fat and grease and something utterly similar to herbage. It was disgusting.
She'd barely even left her room through out those two weeks she'd spent in their apartment. Seeing them just hurt to much. Seeing them reminded her of the pain. The pain she had gone through. Not to mention the pain that she accepted Drake and Caine to put the couple through.
Astrid would daily come and give her food and water. She had changed her bed sheets twice, airing the room and vacuuming the floor. Man, she took well care of her. They both did. They had taken her in, although she had never been a close friend to either of them.
Not a friend at all, actually. If you didn't count Caine and Drake - which she sure as hell wouldn't - she'd never had a friend in her life. The thought made her sad, depressed actually, yet she knew it was true. She was too bad of a person.
Still, they cared for her.
She had no explanation for why Astrid would share such a huge amount of her movie money on her, other then the fact that Astrid simply just is a warmhearted person. Even after loosing her religion, there was only good left in that poor blonde who had lost someone close to her as well that day. And even after that, she was able to live on with her head held high and her tears held back.
Partly thanks to Sam, of course. Sam was keeping both girls from falling apart completely, though he was doing a better job on Astrid.
But why was he even considering helping Diana getting over her loss?
Maybe Sam felt some empathy? Who knew, Caine had been his brother, after all. Then again, they had been nothing but hardcore enemies. Even Sam had felt the lust of killing Caine every now and then. But maybe that just triggered the emotions? Maybe Sam felt remorse because he never actually got a real chance with his brother, until the very end? They had finally participated in a war, fighting for the same thing. For the same right. Freedom. They had fought side by side and only one of them achieved the goal they both had.
She wasn't completely sure which of them had reached freedom though. Yes, Sam had gotten out of the FAYZ, but Caine had gotten a permanent break from the chaos, the strife, the pain. So after all, maybe he was the one who truly was free. Free and gone.
She clenched her fists, knuckles turning white as her fingers tugged around the sheets, a fresh pair of salty drops appearing in the corner of her eyes. The fact that tears still seemed to come, surprised her. She should be dehydrated by now, but still, more tears seemed to appear frequently.
But this wasn't what truly surprised her; she was shocked of why she was crying.
This time, she wasn't crying over Caines departure. She was crying because she so desperately wished it had been Sams instead. The thought of the true hero - who did nothing but make the right choices, saving lives and leading the survivors to victory - would be burned to ashes under the possession of Little Pete brought a tingle of hope to her, as if it still was a possibility for it to happen.
And then she and Caine could've moved into their own apartment and let Astrid occupy their guest room. But would they? Would they really do something like that? Or would they just buy a small place, with a big bed and then fool around all night long?
Loud sobs took over, shaking her weak frame as Caine once again invaded every part of her thoughts. He always did. Just like a kid that wants all the spotlight. He had been so desperate for her recognition from the very first day that they met. It didn't matter, dead or alive, he always seemed to find his way back into the center of her attention.
Into her mind. Into her heart.
Would she ever feel what she felt towards Caine ever again, towards anyone else? Would she ever be able to do what they had done?
The odds were set pretty damn high.
And no matter how much of a "stupid, old saying" it might have been; Caine truly was her soulmate. He always had been, and he always would be.
And nothing could change that.
No one could change that.
1. Was Caines death and the end of LIGHT expected?
2. How did you react to it?
This is the first chapter to my newest story. This is the usual length I write in, though the chapters to this story will be a bit more extended. Hope you enjoyed it, if you did (or if you didn't), then please leave a review in the box down bellow with your thoughts!
A new chapter will be up next Wednesday :)