What He Became
By: Brilliantflower
Disclaimer: I do not own BBC Merlin or its characters. I wish I could travel the world with the cast, but that is never going to happen.
Chapter 1
The dry stone steps echoed down the hallway as Merlin ran towards the hidden depths of Camelot. He held the torch high enough to see a few feet ahead at a time. His throat felt constricted, his stomach lurched, his heart pumped, and his blood raced. Sweat slipped down the back of his neck and ran down his brow and into his eyes and mouth. Though his vision was blurred he barreled onward. His magic burned in the tips of his fingers. A word ached behind his lips. He bore down on it, suppressing it with extreme effort.
Merlin skidded to a halt at the end of the stairway, breathing hard. The hallway opened abruptly into a vast expanse of space, big enough to house a second Camelot. Stalactites and stalagmites jutted impressively in the gloom.
Kilgharrah lay as if asleep on the raised stone dais, his scales glimmering in the light of the torch. Merlin lowered his light. The stone ceiling far above allowed pale slits of light to shine down onto the scene below: a gaunt young man in servant's garb panting and staring hard at a gigantic dragon. The man's stance wide and his thin body quivered with barely contained…fear? Fury? Or some other, equally strong, emotion.
"I know you aren't sleeping," said the man.
The Dragon stirred and made a long show of waking, his great corded muscles shifting and his large red tongue unfurling in a feigned yawn. His yellow eyes slit halfway open and glinted lazily. "To what do I owe this…unexpected pleasure, Merlin?"
Merlin did not hesitate. "You know very well why I am here. You told me Morgana was evil, that she could not be trusted."
There was a long pause.
"Yes, and it has proven to be so." The Dragon looked positively superior, most certain of his position. As usual.
"But it was me," Merlin heard himself say, "Because I did not trust her, because I did not tell her who I was and did not help her, that is why she has become this…"
"The witch was always evil," interjected Kilgharrah. "It was only a matter of time before she came to know it."
"That's not true!" Merlin's hands curled and his shoulders tensed. "You cannot tell me that if I had told her—"
"To have told her would have been to risk everything: your ability to help Arthur and his eventual rise to the throne. Albion's future was at stake! She could have told him who you were, and Uther would have killed you for it."
"Or she could have been an ally." Merlin heard himself say softly, hating himself more and more…
"We will never know what might have been, only what is and the choices that lie before us."
Merlin felt his guilt and shame turn to bile in his throat. "You knew! I know you did! You speak of destiny but you know that the choices of men do matter in the course of things—you just said it! You know that there is more than one possibly reality…you simply want to manipulate things to your liking!"
"Your destiny is your destiny, Merlin. It is the world and the people around you who either seek to aid you…or get in your way."
"I believe Morgana could have been either. I believe she could have helped. It was I who refused to help her, I who poisoned her, I who abandoned her!"
"Guilt is poisonous Merlin, do not let it fester in your heart. The witch is gone, and we must turn our efforts to other things."
"She is gone, but not dead. And her hatred grows: for Uther, for Arthur, and for Camelot. This will not end well. And you know it."
"No, it will not go easily. Lucky for you the witch is not your equal, nor ever will be." The Dragon seemed to smirk.
"That does not make her any less dangerous."
Kilgharrah smiled knowingly. "Trials make the man, young warlock. If she were not dangerous, Arthur would not need you so much. And you could not fulfill your destiny."
Merlin had nothing left to say. The futility of everything that had transpired, his powerlessness in the face of what Morgana had become as well as his feelings of betrayal towards Kilgharrah, burned in him. He felt his magic pushing full force behind his mouth, mixed with his emotions and aching to get out, and he couldn't bear being in the Dragon's presence any longer. He thought he might attempt to blast Kilgharrah into a thousand pieces.
He turned to leave, and left behind his torch. The dragon sat watching him silently until he was out of sight.
He climbed the stairs blindly, two at a time, skinning the top of one foot as he stumbled in the dark. Hot acrid tears left his eyes against his will. Behind him he heard Kilgharrah say "You are Albion's greatest hope."