Eleanor

Chapter Theme Song: 'Who You Are' by: Jessie J

I nearly left the real me on the shelf…

I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I grabbed the foundation I had borrowed from Brittany out of my makeup case and dabbed a little underneath my eyes to conceal the bags that swooped terribly. I was losing sleep from stress and anxiety and it was starting to physically take a toll on me. I turned on the faucet to allow the cool water to flow into my hands, careful not to snag myself with my claws this time. I had just got them painted and the last thing I needed was to ruin a fresh manicure.

I took in a deep breath, exhaling slowly to calm my nerves in an effort to regain my lost composure from the evening; being around these fancy record executives and big, hot-shot artists made me feel uncomfortable and insecure again. It was bad enough I felt miniscule all evening, the last thing I needed was to have my insecurities projected atop of my forehead flashing in neon red lights. My manager, Carlos, already warned me twice this evening so I decided to stay away from the buffet table altogether. I couldn't get my hands on a strawberry before he swooped in like a hawk and snatched my plate away from me. I almost cried when he berated me and it takes a lot to make a girl my size shed tears.

I glanced at my curled ponytails, liking the new, formal style I had adopted for the evening to match my formal dress. Carlos had wanted 'The Chipettes' to look dazzling tonight in front of the new record label, ordering Brittany, Jeanette, and I to wear relatively matching sequin, cocktail length gowns. He was initially going to order them custom tailored from Taiwan but Brittany persuaded him into giving her the company credit card and allowing us to treat ourselves to a girl's day out; fun filled with shopping, manicures, pedicures, and expensive meals and tasty European treats. Of course I enjoyed the luxurious food, I even enjoyed the manicure and the pedicure- especially considering I don't like people touching my feet- but when it came down to shopping for the dresses for tonight it was hell on wheels.

Brittany and Jeanette took me to this cutesy boutique where all the dresses were glamorous and straight out of a storybook fairytale. Brittany and Jeanette fit each dress like a glove, the satin, silk, and taffeta looking splendid on both of them in every single number they tried on for me to score. When it came down to my turn, the boutique had nothing remotely close to being in my size and the store clerks even had the audacity to snicker behind my back and call me names. Brittany offered to go somewhere else to buy her dress, Jeanette fully supporting that idea, but I told them to get their dresses since they looked so magical on their lean, petite, perfect bodies. We tried several different stores after that but ended up with the same response; so I ended up wearing a dress I already owned with a few minor alterations courtesy of myself.

While Brittany and Jeanette were floored with compliments about how regal they looked this evening, I was swallowed into the background like a shallow fog and disappeared into the distance. No one ever noticed me…

I popped in a breath mint, spritzed on another layer of perfume and headed out the door. From the looks of it all, it seems I didn't miss a thing and no one around me noticed I was even gone. In other words, the party didn't skip a beat and the world kept spinning with or without me in it.

"There you are!" I turned to meet the tender gaze of my boyfriend, Theodore. He looked rather dashing in his all black tuxedo with a single red rose in the right breast pocket. He approached me with a small kiss on my cheek, holding two slices of chocolate cake. "I have been looking all over for you, Ellie."

I forced a small smile. "I was in the restroom. I don't feel so good."

Theodore immediately grew concerned, setting both slices of cake down atop of a nearby table. "You want me to take you home?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm ok. I just want to get this party over with." I watched Theodore scan me with skepticism, the seriousness in his eyes glowing. I gulped as he thumbed the side of my left cheek, tilting my chin to meet his uneasy gaze. I blushed, turning away to grab my purse from the chair next to me. "Let's go back to the group, shall we?"

I made a quick move to side swipe Teddy but he was too quick for me, grabbing my arm to pull me against his figure with deliberate speed. He remained silent, still eyeing me as I grew more nervous. Placing a small, gentle kiss upon my lips Theodore swept me off my feet and deeper into the darkness of an adjacent unoccupied coat room. I giggled when he shut the door, almost tripping over a slew of hangers nestled in the middle of the floor. He softly swore before encasing me in his strong grasp. Teddy and I never officially took it…all the way, but we weren't guests to a little fooling around.

"Ellie, you look gorgeous tonight." He whispered. "I have wanted to tell you that all evening."

"Teddy" I spoke giggling, "Don't lie to me. You have seen this dress a million times. I just added some beading and sequins to the bodice."

"And even a million times plus one you still look beautiful." He sealed with another kiss, placing his hands underneath my plump backside to lift me up and place me against the wall. I moaned out his name as his lips attacked my neck. Theodore had the lips of God himself the way he made my body quiver at his command. If kissing him felt like this…a girl could only wonder what other things he could bring out of me.

I began to unbutton his tuxedo jacket, palming away at his chest as his hands glided against my feminine curves. I heard him growl slightly, nipping at my delicate skin before taking one of my firm breasts into his hands; massaging it gently. I squealed his name, trying not to get too loud where I could be heard over the soft music. I mewled for him to stop his sensual torture but he ignored my faux cries and traveled his hands lower. I had expected him to slip a finger into my panty but instead he trailed his grasp against the sides of my stomach. My eyes widened in terror and I immediately pushed him away out of reflex.

"I'm sorry." I spoke quickly, realizing I scared him. He eyes me tenderly, a little confused on what had just happened.

"No, I'm sorry if I was moving too fast." He grabbed my hand. "I know we just started getting somewhat…physical these past few weeks but I do love you, Eleanor and I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable."

"No, it's not that Theodore." I reassured, caressing his full, round cheeks. I kissed him. "I'm just a little tired...and…"

He cut me off with a small kiss on my cheek. "Ellie, can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"You must promise not to get offended by me asking, okay?" I nodded, taking a solid step back. He shuffled with the hem of his jacket before sighing deeply. "I've known you for a long time, Eleanor, and you and I have been a couple-officially- for over two years now. But whenever I try and touch you…you know…around your stomach and other places, you panic and push me away. Is there something the matter?"

I was instantly stunned, a little taken aback actually at how observant Theodore truly was. I felt my cheeks burn with embarrassment and my heart accelerate in pace as my palms grew sweaty. I wiped my hands on my dress, down casting my gaze against the wooden floorboards of the coat closet before I felt Teddy's arms wrap around me. He hugged me, nuzzling my neck before kissing it delicately with a silent plea of eternal love that made my eyes water. I slowly wrapped my arms around his neck, filling in the space between his shoulder and felt myself boil over with emotions.

I couldn't tell the man I loved about my eating disorder or the fact that I had the self-esteem the size of a small rock. I tried several times when he grew a little concerned; the nights he would take me out to eat and I order nothing but a small side salad contrasted against his big steak dinner or the moments where I would disappear into the bathroom right after eating for extended periods of time. He had grew a little worried before, even confronting me in private on several occasions about his suspicions but I either downplayed them or brushed them off together in fear of having my secret exposed to the last person I wanted to know. My sisters, especially, Jeanette, knew I had a past with anorexia and bulimia but they did not know I had relapsed…again.

"Ellie…"

"Teddy, I'm fine." I whispered, kissing his cheek. I readjusted my dress and fluffed my hair to make myself presentable. "Let's go enjoy the rest of this party, okay?"

"Eleanor, you can tell me anything."

"Really, I'm fine." I giggled for good measure. I wanted to barf. "Let's go have a good time alright?"

He was silent for a moment before he reluctantly nodded and followed me out of the coat room. He grabbed my hand and lead me through the sea of people that made me nervous; feeling my anxiety and being the gentleman he was by grasping my hand tighter and silently telling me it would be alright. I met up with my sisters, Alvin, and Simon in the middle of the room; laughing and swapping stories with our new record executive, Shane.

"Ah, so this must be the infamous Eleanor!" he cut in swiftly, extending a firm handshake to both me and Teddy after they introduced themselves. He sipped his drink. "Your sisters were looking for you."

"I was in the bathroom, I didn't feel so well."

"Are you alright? Need any medication?"

"No thank you." I answered sweetly. "I just had too much of the famous devil's food cake."

There was a small eruption of laughter, but Carlos didn't find it funny. He shot me an icy glare before nudging Shane violently, whispering something that earned a nod. "Well, as long as you don't make it a habit. Carlos tells me you like to eat a lot. That's not good for a woman who is in show business and wants to be the icon of girls everywhere. You can't be the next Jeyonce' if you can't fit in the costumes provided."

I felt my heart stop but quickly recovered. "It was just tonight." I said hurriedly, feeling the anger rise out of Brittany. She had already cursed out our last manager for calling me fat names. I did not want her to defend me again and it cost us our record deal. "I promise I won't do it again."

"Good, that's what I like to hear." He paused momentarily to answer a brief call from his assistant. She held up his mobile and he quickly recused himself for the evening with a haughty smile. He hugged everyone within the circle and made a quick dash towards the main door. I felt myself become even smaller than felt hours before when Carols demanded I not eat anything the entire night. Was I really that large?

"Well," Carlos interjected, clapping his hands together. "I will leave you munks to enjoy the rest of your evening and will look forward to seeing the Chipettes at our first rehearsal tomorrow afternoon immediately after classes."

He waited for my sister's and I to confirm before he continued. "And Eleanor, remember what we discussed earlier and what Shane mentioned."

"What exactly did you discuss earlier?" Brittany blurted out, "And quite frankly, I don't like him criticizing my sister."

"Down, Brit, down." Carlos laughed, putting his hands up in surrender. "It was nothing to be taken offensively. Ellie here is okay with it, aren't you?"

I reluctantly nodded, forcing a smile. "I'm fine, Brittany." I said quietly.

"But- "

"I'll see you ladies tomorrow and as always," he directed his attention to Alvin, Teddy, and Simon, "A privilege and honor to meet you fellows. Enjoy your evening."

I tried to say something but Carlos had already disappeared into the crowd of people with his drink he had ordered from the bar and a woman he had met on the way here. I watched as they escaped into a familiar storage room behind the sound system equipment. I felt Theodore wrap his arms around me.

"Eleanor…"

"No, please, Teddy." I moved away from him. "I'm fine, really." I managed to make out before feeling that memorable nocuous feeling consume my being. He tried to grab me again but I excused myself and headed towards the restroom again. I found myself buried in front of my porcelain thrown, kneeled over with my finger jammed down my throat.

I just wanted to go home.