An excessively crazy looking man is here, standing before me.

Looks like he wants to fight with me. But not because he is angry with me or something. He is just bored that's all. That's the real reason behind his cocky attitude.

Five maybe ten seconds I just watched this man. I never done this before. I mean, I never cared about my opponent's appearance. After all, it's meaningless, just one punch and his face will change dramaticly, so what's the point?

But this time, I just stand and stare.

I felt so...bewildered? No, not that, got a shock for a second though, but no.

Irriated.

Just look at this freak. His movements are way too relaxed, with every turn of his tongue another swear comes forward, his kakugan is visible even if he is not in danger, and his body... Seriously what the hell you did to yourself? What's with that piercings, tattoos all around your body? Why you do that? I mean...what is the point?

Anyway, he is exact opposite of mine.

I guess that's the reason. He is everything I wanted to become when I hated myself. But at the same time, I found it stupid. Even now, when I watch this man, I think he is stupid, yet I envy him.

"Hey! Don't you just stand there! And fight with me bastard!"

I envy his easiness, and individuality. So unlike me, he can express himself with everything he got.

And me, just a block. No special feature whatsover. There is just one thing I know:

"I'm strong."

"Oh yeah? Show it to me then, brick!"

Raises his punch directly to my face, so of course I avoid it, then fake a punch to his face, kick his stomach instead.

He defended his stomach. Not bad.

With every punch and kick, I realised that he were also strong.

That irriated me more and more. How come he can be everything that I couldn't?

So I fought harder, until I used all of my strength, and couldn't stand anymore.

So without knowing, everyone in fourth and twentieth yard started to call us eternal rivals.

Our fights were quite popular, day by day people joined his back and mine, some watched from afar. I learned his name, and studied almost every movement of his. Also all of visible part of his body.

Finally, we stopped fighting and calmed down. People said we finally became adults. Maybe so. But I know why actually my rage suddenly stopped.

Because I learned about his tattoo around his neck.

Nec possum tecum vivere, nec sine te.

I can live neither with you, nor without you.

Until then, I thought he was strong ghoul and has no weakness. I thought he was fearless about being ghoul. It seemed like he accept himself and he had no problems with eating humans.

But it was exact opposite. He was so into humans, so much that he didn't want to get close to them, he scared that he will lose his self confidence. He wanted to understand them, he...loved humans. And while he was fighting with ghouls, fighting with me, he struggled with his own thoughts, he tried to find an answer.

I guess at the same time I found about this, he found his answer. So we both calmed down.

Now, years passed, we kinda hang out together. He changed, I changed. But thing is... our way of living were too different. I didn't care about humans at all, I just thought killing them savagely is wrong. Other than this, I didn't have any interest in their life.

Uta was different. For him, humans were too fascinating, their every action captivated Uta, first, he was jelous. So he decided to get close to them. But of course, it's really hard to do. Then he became angry, Because he was ghoul and he had to hide himself. He was different . So he decided to give up and accept his race, yet he couldn't do that either.

So, we've met when he was totally confused mentally. He toke it from me. Well, it's good that he found his answer though. Here it comes;

"You see...Feeding on humans are not just about eat their flesh. We have to devour them. Their technology, their art, intelligence, all of it. So I decided. My body will be ghoul, I will sacrifice it. But my mind and my heart will be human. So I will be a human minded ghoul. I will not just feed on their flesh, but their knowledge as well. I will eat them completely."

Don't you think it's so wacky? How can someone came up with an answer like this?

But he just...did. So naturally he did and calmed himself down. Now he became an artist, pretty good one. He stopped being frenzy and became kind, but also, he never unactivated his kakugan. People thought that's kind of a style, easy to believe though.

Why the hell am I talking about this shit?

It's just...i wanted to arrange my thoughts. Ever since I first saw him, he always seemed so glamorous... fascinating. Yeah. I guess this is it. He attracted to humans, and I attracted to him. As much as he cares about humans, he stays away from them, but in his mind, he is always with them.

Exactly same way of thinking with me. Instead, my "human" is Uta. He is in my mind all the time. He is...

Sigh.

"Renji...are you okay?"

Present. Helter Skelter. Uta's location: right next to me.

I shaked my head. "I was just thinking."

"Hmm..." He stood a while, then suddenly smiled like he found something, his hand got into his pocket, and bring out an eyeball.

"Want to ea-?" "No."

He looked down for a moment, then shrugged his shoulders without care. "Okay."

I let out a sigh and he licked his eyeball.

Then silence came for minutes.

I crossed my fingers on my lap, my right leg was tapping the floor vigorously. Okay, breathe in, breathe out. Time to say it.

"I don't know. But I guess finally I came up with my own answer."

He stopped licking and his eyes turned to me. His expression showed that he understand what I was talking about. "...you did. I'm happy for you."

"I guess it's same with yours."

He bend his neck with confuse. "Really? I don't think that wil suit you."

"No. Not with humans. My subject is you."

"You own my mind."

I finally answered his gaze.

He knitted his brows. "You know how much I care about...them. Do you think it is just some interest?"

I wasn't looking at him. Just watching the front with expressionless face. "I will sacrifice my mind to you. I already did I think. I was nothing anyways, just strong. Now I will finally calm down."

His eyes opened wide. "You are serious."

"I am." I got up. "I have to leave."

I walked to the exit and before leaving, I peeked at him.

Uta looked like he was lost in thoughts. Now his head was down. He let out a sigh but said nothing. I left.

…

It's been five days since I kinda confessed. Now I am collecting corpses of suicides. There is a new kid started to work with me. He looks pretty weird for a ghoul. But not a bad guy I think.

"Aah! Renji san, there is one more here..."

"Then carry it here."

"No way!"

Seriously. Why is he even here?

I let out a irriated moan and started to walk where the new kid is. He were shaking his head between corpse and me, closing tightly his eyes to the corpse, opening with a scared expression to me. "Hurry up please."

I looked down to the corpse. New kid toke a few steps back instantly.

Why am I thinking about him?

This happens all the time. When I saw a corpse, I immediately think about Uta. It became some kind of reflex by now. My mind always repeating the same thing;

Look at those things that you admire. How pitiful they look.

"Renji san...are you praying for people?"

It's again, because of him. Even though they mean nothing to me, They are precious for Uta, so I always see him in my place, looking down those corpses, and without thinking, I pray for them.

There is saying; if you care about someone, eventually, you will care about his precious things . I guess it's true.

On my way to home, he messaged me.

"Come to the studio."

I felt sudden chill. Damn it.

I turned back immediately. I didn't even think. I just obeyed without questions.

I'm doomed.

Location: Front of Uta's studio. Still in the car. Even though I flied here, I just can't bring myself to move on.

I have to calm down first. It's about him, so there is a possibility that he just wanted me to buy some coffee.

…

Just thinking that possibility annoyed me though.

Anyway! I can't learn what he wants without ask him. So come on, stop trembling, open the damn door, get out of the car, walk to the studio, knock the door.

Was it always this hard?

What if he says he won't see me again?

Okay. Breathe in, breathe out. Do it without thinking, just go.

I get out of a car and flashed to the studio, opened the door without knocking, toke a few steps inside then hammered down.

Uta freezed with surprised expression, he was sketching.

Door slammed hard and rattled after closed.

…

"I'm here."

"Yeah."

"If you wanted me to buy some coffee-"

"No, but that would be nice. Buy me next time okay?"

Next time

"Sit down and wait a bit. I will be done in a minute."

I nod and sat down. Studio was riot of colors but in the same time calm and quiet. Only sketching sound of Uta's pen, and his mumblings.

I couldn't stay calm so decided to make some coffee.

While making the coffee ( only instant available, so maybe five minutes) I imagined various of scenarios. Most of them were about Uta's rejection.

When I served the coffee, he already had finished. He thanked and smelled the blend, then knitted his brows with unsatisfy. "I should buy a coffee maker."

He toke a first sip and while gulping down he stretched his arms. "I tired today...but you know what happened? Four human came and checked the shop! one of them wanted a mask but unfortunately he were out of cash. Sad huh?"

Only thing I care about is your expression when you talk about humans.

No. I didn't say that.I Just nodded.

He looked at me then sighed. "Okay, now is the time for my answer for you."

Suddenly my hands felt numb, I put the cup on the table. "Yeah."

He held his cup with his both hands, " When you said that your feelings were quite close to mine for humans, I felt...kinda bad. Cause it means that you feel so far even though you are always with me. I don't want you to feel like this."

He turned his cup in his hands. His eyes were fixed on it. "I care about you, so I don't want you to feel like I do all the time. I know how hard it is... But weird thing is...i am also happy."

His gaze turned at me. His eyes were opened wide with excitement. " Am i that stunning to you?"

"Yes you are." I said instantly.

He starred at me quitely for a second, then smiled. "What do you want to do with me?"

What do I want to do...with him?

I never thought about that. I was just...watching and being around of him.

...

Oh! maybe he meant...

"No, I don't have cannibalism. I don't want to eat you at all."

"Hehe! You are so cute. I know that."

He stand up, and put his cup next to mine on the table. "I meant the other way of eating."

"Huh?"

Suddenly, I felt someone punched at my stomach, my heartbeat got faster. My eyes were wide open.

He smiled with satisfaction after seeing that I understand. "So?"

He toke my hand and put on his cheek. "How do you feel?"

Even my mind couldn't reach my body's reaction. Without realising, he was under me, cups on the table fell down, one got broken.

Was I...that hungry?

It's scary. I don't think I can stop.

"It's okay. It's okay Renji. Just satisfy your hunger okay? I am not weak i'm sure you know."

He accepted my will with tranquility. I tried to calm down but it was too late, my hands were moving on his body, first his face, then I feel sudden hunger for his neck, so my hands went there, but suddenly my gaze turns his nipples, his navel so my hands move again. I felt like I found an oasis after walking on a dessert for a long long time. I couldn't hold my thrist.

He was quiet, except his little moanings. He didn't reject me at all. I easily toke off his clothes and examined his pale skin with my hands. I wanted to touch with my mouth but I felt scared, I didn't want to eat him, and I was kinda in uncontrolable situation.

I want to...with my mouth.

"You know Reiji, our mouth is not just for eating." He said with worned out but gentle voice. Then he held my face, and drew to his. His lips touched slightly on my chin first, then he go up and find my lips.

"You can also..." his lips devoured mine after taking a breathe. I felt his tongue in my mouth, licking all over inside.

I drew his head to mine and pressed my lips tighter. My tongue met with his and moved together. Later I released his mouth and started to kiss his body, first his cheek,then his neck, his shoulders, his nipples. He didn't feel first but after biting them he clenched on me with pleasure,

"Ah...Renji..nn."

When he called me out with his hoarse voice, I felt like I was going crazy. My mouth went down and find his hard penis. He closed his legs instantly, but I spread them with my hands.

"Ah! Ahh! no..."

Without even realising, I started to lick his thing, he tried to push me down with embarassment, but I was stronger. While spreading his legs with my arms, I held his hands and licked him until he came. He trembled with pleasure, then his hands lost his strength and fell down.

"Haa...haa...nnh. I can't belive...that you drink mine. " He came forward and licked my cheek. "You have it little here."

His mouth went to my ear. "You know what is next?" He whispered.

His hands went down and found his hole, it was wet from his came earlier, so he just insert his finger and moaned.

"Have you...done this before?"

"What do you ask now?" He smiled scornfully. His fingers were still moving inside.

While my eyes were mesmerized by his inserting, I shrugged. "I don't know, it looks like you know what you are doing so."

He let out a sigh mixed with pleasure, then held my penis. "You will be first, Renji. I just studied, that's all."

I don't even understand why I felt so relieved.

I spread his legs wide, then watched his hole meeting with my thing. "I'm going in."

He whimpered and his hands clenched on my shoulder. His hole accepted me warmly, but inside was incredibly tight, I felt overhelmed.

I looked at him. He was just moaning in gasp of breath, while his trembling hands were holding me indifferently. This was definitely his first time.

"Ah! Ah!nnnh..."

"Haa..Sho...should I wait? For you to get-"

"You don't have to... i'm okay, so just move" He said while trembling, but his eyes were serious.

I rammed inside strong after got a permission. He bited his mouth and his head bended up with sudden thrust. His inside was still tight, so it was hard to move, and damn! So hot I thought he will melt me with his body heat.

I drew his body to mine and he hugged me strongly, his hands clenching on my back. I could feel his meat earrings, cold on my neck, going up and down with my every thrust.

"Nnh, ah..ah! Renji."

With this position, I felt I went deeper. It was like tearing him apart from inside. With every thrust, he sucked me deeper, his inside got tighter and warmer, I couldn't think properly anymore.

I pushed him to table again and thrust harder, his moans became more louder and wilder.

"Ah! Touch me...front!"

I first touched his already dripping penis slightly, but that was enough for making him whimper. He was close, and I could've come anytime, so I held his base and start to stroke while thrusting inside. He couldn't even make a noise from pleasure, his drolling mouth were just trembling strongly.

"A...a...aaa...ah..i.m gonna.."

"Me too."

I came inside first, then he came while I stroke him. His body went up and down, then he calmed down with a sigh.

While trying to catch my breath, I stayed inside. It felt loose after he came, but I wanted to stay connected as much as possible.

He opened his eyes slighty and smiled. "You are so rough."

It made me startle. "Sorry...i couldn't control-"

His hand stroked my cheek. "Hehe, it's okay, it felt really good so."

I don't know how to explain, but this position, his smile, his sweaty but pale skin, his tattoo on his neck, his hand on my cheek. All of those and this moment. I want it to stop as it is. Without realising, my lips kissed his wet lips, but he answered me back with holding my face with his both hands. It was like drinking water, I felt my long thrist with every second. I wanted more. More and more. So much when he released my lips, I was still searching for his.

"Renji, you can do whatever you want to do with me. Just keep searching for me, and want me like this, I will answer you definitely. Okay?"

"Uh uh"

I wasn't seeing anything, hearing anything. Just him, his lips, his voice his eyes. Nothing but him. I was falling deep down into bottomless pit. I lost seeing any light after he accepted me. Yet it didn't matter at all.

Without properly listening, i just nodded, then went to his lips again.

"Renji...i wanted to make you feel relieved but...maybe I made it worse for you?"