Loss
by starstruck
Before and After was the second Voyager episode I ever saw (in reruns - three and a half years ago) - I had basically no background on the characters except what little I had seen in Favorite Son. Still, I caught a lot of things despite my lack of background - mostly because Before and After has a lot of character bits.
About a month ago, I saw Before and After for the third time. It's been plaguing me ever since - Tom's attitude - mostly how even though he married somewhat soon after her death, he still, obviously cares for her. (Okay, I'm biased - I'm an avid P/Ter.)
In any case, here's the Tom/Kes relationship in the Before and After universe as my somewhat twisted mind sees it.
&&
Every morning, he wakes up, kisses his wife good morning, eats breakfast, takes a shower, and goes to work.
Every evening, he eats dinner, finishes his work, kisses his wife good night, and goes to sleep.
The routine is almost tiring.
&&
She's gone, Tom.
I know.
No, I don't think you do.
&&
Sometimes he dreams.
Sometimes of his wife, sometimes of her.
Sometimes of both of them.
Always of the desires he wouldn't admit he had.
Has.
&&
You need to let go.
I can't. I - I still love her.
I know. And that wouldn't bother me, if I thought you'd stop one day. But she's never coming back - you have to face that.
I - can't.
&&
He goes out of his way to see his daughter every day.
His baby.
His little girl that grew up in the blink of an eye.
&&
I don't know what's wrong with you. But I can't keep coming back like this. I can't keep trying to help you go on if you don't want to even try.
Wait.
What?
Don't - go. I don't - I don't want to be alone.
&&
He approaches all problems with an almost apathetic air.
If they remember how passionate he used to be about everything, they don't mention it.
&&
Thank you.
For what?
Everything. I think if you hadn't been there for me, no one would have been.
You know that's not true.
It is. I'm not - very close to many people. And you're not the only one.
&&
The only emotion he experiences regularly is fear.
Fear of losing them.
His wife. His daughter.
His family.
His friends.
His crewmates.
Anyone.
&&
About -
I - I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you. You're still - you're not ready for this.
You don't need to apologize.
Yes, yes I do. See - everything about this, watching them die, watching you mourn, makes me so much more aware of how - how short life is. They - they died too soon. And even so - they lived longer than I will.
&&
Every day, he watches his wife grow a little older.
Every day, his wife comes a little closer to leaving him.
Forever.
Just like she did. &&
It's the elogium, isn't it?
It doesn't matter.
You wanted a child so much then.
That was then.
It's now too.
I can't - I'm not involved with Neelix - with anyone - anymore.
And me?
I can't ask you to do something like that, for me. You - you're not ready yet.
&&
He grasps at straws.
Anything that will make everything last longer.
He doesn't want it to change.
&&
Do you love me?
Of course I do.
No, really. Do you love me? Or is everything - all this - you being grateful to me?
You don't marry someone out of gratitude.
&&
All in all, his life isn't so bad.
It wasn't anyone's dream life - hell, it wasn't his dream life.
But it would do.
Before and After was the second Voyager episode I ever saw (in reruns - three and a half years ago) - I had basically no background on the characters except what little I had seen in Favorite Son. Still, I caught a lot of things despite my lack of background - mostly because Before and After has a lot of character bits.
About a month ago, I saw Before and After for the third time. It's been plaguing me ever since - Tom's attitude - mostly how even though he married somewhat soon after her death, he still, obviously cares for her. (Okay, I'm biased - I'm an avid P/Ter.)
In any case, here's the Tom/Kes relationship in the Before and After universe as my somewhat twisted mind sees it.
&&
Every morning, he wakes up, kisses his wife good morning, eats breakfast, takes a shower, and goes to work.
Every evening, he eats dinner, finishes his work, kisses his wife good night, and goes to sleep.
The routine is almost tiring.
&&
She's gone, Tom.
I know.
No, I don't think you do.
&&
Sometimes he dreams.
Sometimes of his wife, sometimes of her.
Sometimes of both of them.
Always of the desires he wouldn't admit he had.
Has.
&&
You need to let go.
I can't. I - I still love her.
I know. And that wouldn't bother me, if I thought you'd stop one day. But she's never coming back - you have to face that.
I - can't.
&&
He goes out of his way to see his daughter every day.
His baby.
His little girl that grew up in the blink of an eye.
&&
I don't know what's wrong with you. But I can't keep coming back like this. I can't keep trying to help you go on if you don't want to even try.
Wait.
What?
Don't - go. I don't - I don't want to be alone.
&&
He approaches all problems with an almost apathetic air.
If they remember how passionate he used to be about everything, they don't mention it.
&&
Thank you.
For what?
Everything. I think if you hadn't been there for me, no one would have been.
You know that's not true.
It is. I'm not - very close to many people. And you're not the only one.
&&
The only emotion he experiences regularly is fear.
Fear of losing them.
His wife. His daughter.
His family.
His friends.
His crewmates.
Anyone.
&&
About -
I - I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you. You're still - you're not ready for this.
You don't need to apologize.
Yes, yes I do. See - everything about this, watching them die, watching you mourn, makes me so much more aware of how - how short life is. They - they died too soon. And even so - they lived longer than I will.
&&
Every day, he watches his wife grow a little older.
Every day, his wife comes a little closer to leaving him.
Forever.
Just like she did. &&
It's the elogium, isn't it?
It doesn't matter.
You wanted a child so much then.
That was then.
It's now too.
I can't - I'm not involved with Neelix - with anyone - anymore.
And me?
I can't ask you to do something like that, for me. You - you're not ready yet.
&&
He grasps at straws.
Anything that will make everything last longer.
He doesn't want it to change.
&&
Do you love me?
Of course I do.
No, really. Do you love me? Or is everything - all this - you being grateful to me?
You don't marry someone out of gratitude.
&&
All in all, his life isn't so bad.
It wasn't anyone's dream life - hell, it wasn't his dream life.
But it would do.