A/N: So, this is just another one shot I had in my head, and it was overwhelming my brain until I got it onto paper. I hope you guys like it. Based off the song Stay.
Reviews are welcome.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own L&O SVU or any of its characters..
Casey Novak laid in bed staring at the ceiling, unshed tears in her eyes, restless and unable to sleep. She allowed her eyes to drift over to the digital clock on her nightstand and its blinking neon numbers. 3:20 AM. She sighed. She didn't know who she was anymore. Ever since Olivia Benson, her life had been in shambles, but she couldn't entirely blame her. She was allowing her heart to talk her intellectual side out of what she knew to be best; as if she had an angel on one shoulder telling her what was right, and a devil on the other trying to destroy her sanity. But destroying her sanity felt so good, and gave her such a rush beyond anything she'd ever felt.
Olivia got up out of bed when she saw the clock flashing the ungodly hour of 3:20 AM. No use trying to sleep now. Needing an energy boost for the day of work ahead, she went into the kitchen to make herself a cup of coffee and groaned inwardly realizing that Alex was already up and she'd no doubt have to say something to her. She opted to play nice, hoping it would be enough so as to at least not cause more tension.
"Morning."
Unloading the dishwasher, the blonde began loudly banging the dishes as she placed them in the cupboards. No doubt on purpose, Olivia thought bitterly.
"Fuck you, Liv."
Her blood began to boil, and she felt her anger rising. Though she would never physically hurt the blonde, she was beyond pissed. They'd been having problems, she knew that. But the fact that she did nothing on her end to try and fix it and went out of her way just to be a bitch and rub salt to an open wound aggravated the detective to no end. They fought before work, after work, and just about everywhere in between. Olivia had been trying for so long to reason with her, to stick it out, to fight for her, but she'd begun to forget what she was fighting for until finally she now felt she was good for nothing. This led her not to feel so bad about what she was doing, the life she had that nobody else knew anything about.
Morning babe. :) I missed you last night. Couldn't sleep at all. No surprise that the bitch is on my ass again.
The words on the screen brought a smile to her lips, but just as quickly it turned to a frown. She loved the little messages the detective always left her expressing that she missed her and cared about her; nobody had ever done that for her before, and she felt special. On the other hand, she hated hearing that Liv was being made to feel neglected. She felt she deserved so much more, more that she in fact could and would give her. She wished she'd just realize she could love her more than she ever imagined. Yeah, she was the other woman, and that was something she told herself she'd never do. We all ended up doing things we never thought we would do, didn't we? Even so, she still felt like she mattered, her thoughts and feelings mattered.
They'd been careful to remain professional at work, and done a good job of it so far, because so far Casey knew nothing of Alex finding out and it had been a good seven months. After work, behind closed doors, was a whole other world. A different story. Liv spent every possible moment with her, kissing her, loving her, telling her her deepest secrets, desires, wishes and fears, and making mind blowingly passionate love to her. She'd never known sensations like the ones Liv could make her feel existed, and she wanted to be with her forever. The one wish she had before going to sleep at night was that she could feel validated and know that Olivia meant what she said. That she felt the same. Half the time, she laid awake sleepless worrying about her phone ringing and Alex Cabot's wrath waiting for her on the other end. All she wanted, was to lay without fear in her baby's arms. For once, to be the chosen one. Not second best. Liv always assured her everything would be fine, but she was continuously left hanging in the balance.
That day at work, they had managed to steal a second away from the rest of the world, and the detective took the rare opportunity to place a few chaste kisses to her lips.
"You're so sexy."
The other woman blushed a crimson shade of red. She loved hearing that from her, but she couldn't help the nagging feeling in the back of her mind telling her she wasn't the only one hearing it.
"Thanks, I'll see you after work?"
"Yeah, I'll try to get there. I'll text you." She smiled. "I gotta go before everybody wonders where I went." Kissing her with passion and hunger one final time she turned to walk away.
"Liv?" the redhead called after her, needing reassurance.
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
"Me too doll, me too."
As she watched the brunette walk away, she got a sick feeling and her stomach dropped when she saw the blonde ADA walk down the hall approaching her lover, and saw her talking and laughing, as if nothing that Liv had talked about the last seven months had ever happened between them. She watched her pull her to her and kiss her passionately while resting a hand on her backside, unable to pull her eyes away. After they had parted ways and moved from Casey's line of vision, all bets were off. She shut the office door, crumpling to the floor and letting emotions of the last seven months overtake her now frail body and fragile soul. What was she doing? Alex had used to be somebody she considered a friend, a confidante even. Every time she was touched, kissed, and brought to completion over and over during long nights of passion, she was letting her walls be broken down by somebody else's wife, expecting the whole time to be received with as much strength and care as she gave. She realized then in that office, her body crumpled to nothing as much as her spirit, that she was and had been a naive fool.
She waited for the woman who had stolen her heart and stomped on her dignity the last seven months, tears streaming down her face, a bottle of Jack in her hand half empty, and sad music on the radio. Hearing the brunette's footsteps outside her door, she took another long swig of the booze, hoping the liquid would bring her courage as it burned down her throat and settled in the pit of her churning stomach. Feeling as weak as she'd ever been, she hoped the alcohol could mask her true emotions and help her at least feign indifference.
"Hey baby." the brunette's voice was laced thick with obvious desire, and she wasted no time in snaking her arms around her trying to pull her lover to her and allow her mouth to ravage her neck.
The other woman almost got caught in the pleasure of the moment, the warmth of the alcohol in the pit of her stomach and the so called love that enveloped her torso. She allowed it to overtake her momentarily before anger caused her to come to and recoil against her lover's touch. Once anger crept its way in, she had no way of stopping it.
"GOD DAMN IT DON'T YOU BABY ME!" She threw her still half full bottle of whiskey against the wall and it shattered falling to the floor, a trail of liquid in the wake of glass pieces.
"Casey, what the hell?!" she couldn't understand what had gotten into the redhead.
"WHAT THE HELL?! ...WHAT THE HELL?!" she moved so she was just inches from the brunette's face, the strong smell of liquor on her breath. "You've been telling me for seven months that I was enough. I was what you needed and wanted. I let my guard down for you, Olivia Benson. I let you make LOVE to me and gave you everything I had. For once in my life, I let go. All for you, then today I see you all over Alex like none of the things you've said about what's been going on between you even happened. Like I didn't even matter. I was just sloppy seconds on the side. Well you know what?! I'm done. I do matter. I thought I mattered because you loved me, but I matter because I'm alive. I need to be strong enough to love myself. I'm not now, and I haven't been for seven months, but it starts now. I'm not letting you control me anymore. I'm not living like this. You don't get to decide my life. I will cry for you, but I'll no longer lie for you. So the next time you wanna crawl in someone else's bed, leaving your wife at home to feel like a sack of shit, roll over and fucking HOLD her. FIX it. You owe it to her, and you owe it to me."
The detective couldn't believe what she'd just witnessed. This was not the Casey Novak she knew.
"Honey, I'm sorry."
"Get out!"
"When can I see you again, can we fix this? Please? I'll leave her and come to you, I wil."
"You and I both know those are empty, hollow promises, Olivia. When you choose to mess things up, you pay for that decision. And loneliness is the price you pay for choosing to walk away. From Alex and from me."