"Matters of the Mind"

Disclaimer: I do not own any part of gundam wing and I'm not making money off this.

WARNING: Deathfic!!

Sequel to Affairs of the Heart

I wake up in a cold sweat again. My breath comes in rough pants. My wife of three years wakes up next to me and asks if I'm alright. I reassure her like I always do that I am fine and then I get up to go to the bathroom and splash cold water on my face. I look over at the clock on the wall and see that it is 2 am. He's been dead for five years and yet his memory haunts me. His face fuels my nightmares. I used to have nightmares about the war, but since he died he has plagued my sleep. You see, I'm responsible for killing my best friend…

It's always the same dream. I see his body falling, I run to his broken body, and he looks at me with his dead eyes and asks me why I didn't love him. It's the anniversary of his death. I should have expected the nightmares to come. But they've been coming more often lately. And it's not only the nightmares that get to me. I see him everywhere. The flash of a chestnut braid. The glow of his unusual violet eyes. He haunts me…

There's no use trying to go back to sleep. I know sleep won't come. So I go down stairs a quietly as possible and turn on the TV. It's become a ritual. I set here and think about him. I can't let go of the guilt. It's slowly driving me mad I know. I think and the noise of the TV is nothing but back ground noise. It's the anniversary of his death and like every year for the past five years the other pilots will ask me to go to his grave with them and I will refuse. The guilt I carry won't allow me to go to his grave. I have no place to mourn him when I am the reason he died. I know they think me cold when I refuse, but if they only knew the truth they would hate me a lot more. I think that's another reason why I don't go. I'm afraid that if I do I will break down and tell them everything. I won't lose the only family I have left…

Just as I expected they came to ask me to go with them and I refused. I know they know I will but it doesn't stop them from asking every year. By the time evening comes my depression has deepened. I saw him no less than six times today. Well, thought I saw him. Of course it's not him. I know I'm going mad and there is nothing I can do to stop it. The guilt of what I have done is slowly eating away any humanity I had. It wasn't until he was gone that I realized it was him who brought my humanity to the surface. He made me human again, and I hated him for it at the time. And I hate him for it now. If I wasn't human then his death wouldn't still be plaguing me. I can't take it anymore…

Relena knows something is wrong but she knows better than to try to get me to talk before I'm ready to. The last time she pushed me I disappeared for three days. Little does she know but I won't be around for much longer. I have it all planned, my note of goodbye already written. Like every night we go to bed and she falls asleep. Only this night I don't let her cuddle next to me. It would be too hard to do what I have planned if she woke up. As soon as I'm sure she is fully asleep I rise as carefully as I can and retrieve my note from its hiding place. I place it on my pillow. I have no fear of it getting lost because Relena does not move in her sleep. I also know she will find it first thing in the morning when she wakes. But by then it will be too late. I quietly grab my pile of clothes and sneak out of the bedroom to dress before silently slipping from the estate. I can no longer live with my guilt…

I arrive at the cemetery and begin the trek to his grave. A walk I have not taken since the day of his funeral. I feel guilty for leaving Relena like this but what is one more guilt added to my already condemned soul. I can't tell you what I think about as I walk to his grave but when I arrive all of my thoughts leave me. I have not laid eyes on his grave in five years but it still looks the same. Same words same flowers. The others keep it pretty well maintained. I sit on the ground and lean against the head stone. I remove the 9mm from my pocket where it has been hidden since I exited my car and gently pass it from hand to hand. The guilt is too much. The pain is too much. I can't go on without him. You see, I didn't realize how much I really loved him until he was gone…

Who knows how long I sat there but eventually I got up and walked to the other side of the headstone, the side where his body actually lies. I have made up my mind, and I will go through with my plan. I put the barrel of my gun to my temple and close my eyes. The last vision in my mind was of his smiling face and I only hope that we can be together on the other side. Slowly I pull the trigger and know no more.

The only clue to where he was was a note telling of his sins. The other pilots would not let Relena go to the cemetery for the fear of what they would find. They all knew that their friend was tormented by Duo's death. After all he never really was the same afterwards. The note told them everything. They understood the whole story now. When the three remaining pilots arrived at the grave they found Heero sprawled across his grave, a pistol loosely clasped in his hand and a hole in his head. They could not hate him however, only mourn him and how tormented his soul had become. Now there lie two graves side by side. One is five years older than the other but they both are as clean as if they were new. One is for a young man who took his own life because of rejection and the other is for a young man who only learned the lessons of love after it was too late. There are not two headstones however only one with one message.

Duo Maxwell and Heero Yuy

AC180 to AC202 AC180 to AC208

May they rest in peace at last and forever be linked in death

We shall miss you

Owari