Just love me
The scene that's before me tears me apart. The girl, who once was my lover is turning into ashes, flames licking her dead body away... But even worse is...that it's not me walking on the front row, next to her parents, and it's not my money that has been spent on the ring on her finger... It's his.
He is the ultimate, perfectly perfectest man, blonde, messy hair, large mahagony eyes, and he's tall, smart and kind... and I'm just the unperfect Aoi nobody likes.
With tears in my eyes, I watch as he walks to the grave with her parents, on the front of the row. It should be me, who should be walking there. It should be me, who once was allowed to kiss her lips, love her, and keep her happy, I'm sure I must've done a much better job than HIM. And yet, she chose him...
Other tears slip down my facem sorrow swallowing me away. Why didn't I have the chance to kiss her goodbye? Why didn't I have the chance to love her without my pride? Why did she die?
I shake hands with both her parents, but at Kouyou I stop. I look into his eyes, which are broken, red and puffy, his face pale, and hollow from emotion. He looks so ugly...I smirk inwardly. Kouyou just looks at me, no bitterness, no fury, no envy, no nothing on his face. Only pain...
„I'm sorry for your loss, Yuu." He says it with a rough voice, and what surprises me most, is that he's saying something first. „I really am"
I feel a flick of rage in the irony of his statement. But...I shouldn't get mad at him. I should just forgive him...eventhough I'v been through more pain. Are you sure?
„I'm sorry about everything Kouyou. I'm so, so sorry..." guilt is starting to get at me, and my pride dissappears, as I softly start sobbing in unison with him. Him, who I shouldn't hate at all.
I don't know who started the hug, but...I't the most comfort I had in weeks. Secure, comforting, and other things I gained from these arms wrapped around me, are things I need most right now. These are the things I lacked for a long time.
„Yuu..."Kouyou softly says into my shoulder. „Would you like to...come up to my place sometime?"
„I'd love to..."
XXX
It has been three days...and here I am, standing at his door, clumbsily holding a box in one hand, while pushing the doorbell with the other. I feel a little bad about doing this with Kouyou. We're both in a bad emotional state to try to get all our memories out of her room, and to try to let go of them...it feels as an impossible task.
The door opens, and I see the usual Kouyou standing before me. No suit, no puffy red eyes, hair as messy as ever, casually elegant, now compeletely black clothing, bare feet, looking very healthy, except for his creepily pale face. I really can't see anything drastically different about him, but I can tell that something's wrong.
„Hi...come in." He greets me in a low voice.
„Hi to you too." I bow my head down as respect to him.
He takes the box over, and carries it for me, right to her room. He gently sets it down, and looks at me, chewing his lips slightly. I feel anxiety, and awkwardness hang in the air, mixing with her sweet scent. I lean on her desk, expecting Kouyou to say something...There isn't much to be said. I open my mouth, but I close it again, as I hear Kouyou's soft words.
„Do you want something to eat?"
„No...I haven't been eating lately." I confess softly. Wait, why am I telling him this?
„Me neither. I can only sleep in her room." He tells me. „Whenever I dream of her, she tells us to...never mind."
„To what?"I ask curiously. „I've been having the dream she tells us to..."
„Forget her..." he ends my sentence, his voice breaking, as he starts to cry again.
I don't hesitate to hug him. He shakes in my embrace, hiding himself away from me, my t-shirt getting wetter second by second. I feel myself smiling butterly inside. We won't be able to...
„Sh...It's okay... We'll get through this somehow."I whisper, but my voice breaks „But...it hurts so much..." I admit to myself, getting tears in my eyes, joining Kou with the sobbing. „Kouyou...Do you think we'll be okay?"
„I don't know the definition of okay anymore..."his voice is sincere, and I feel how he means it.
„Me neither..."
„But do you think...we'll be friends if we stay by eachothers side?"
„I honestly don't know." But I'd love to be friends, is what I wanted to add to it.
My history with Kouyou hasn't been the brightest. We both were either jelous or envious of the other at some point. When I still dated Sayuko, we both got introduced to Kouyou in some bar when we still went out partying. And it ended in a...how should I say...affair for all of us. We were all drunk, and I cought Sayu making out with him. And then they went further. I was furious at Sayu, and to get her back, I made her jelous with a random girl I found as a perfect one night stand.
„I'm sorry. It's not like I don't like you anymore. Now I like you as a friend." She told me after that one night she spent with him.
What was what he had, and I not? Was he more romantic? Was my pride too much? Was I not good enough? What was Kouyou's secret? What did he do to make her go to him? What was that made her not love me anymore?
But weirdly enough... It wasn't only I, who wasn't enough for Sayu. She kept on going from me to Kou, from Kou to me, and in the end...Kouyou was faster, and had enough of her not being compeletely his. And before I knew it, a man of 25, my half girlfriend of 24 married, and I, as an awkward guest of 27 were cought up helplessly in a love triangle, destined to be doomed.
I got in a bad fight with Kouyou. Our first, but certainly not last. And it's because none of us had made up our minds. Especially Sayu, who even after the wedding, still went to me, and I still gladly accepted her in my bed. But when I woke up, she had left me a note that she loves Kouyou afterall.
This was an unending cycle. Well...it continued for several years. The two whole years Sayu was married to Kouyou, it was a living hell for me. Jealousy, pride, and anything of the sort was all mixed inside me among with the unspoken fear, that I lost.
I did lose her...compeletely.
Dear Aoi, and Uruha
I'm using my nicknames...I hope that's okay with both of you. I'm sorry...I really am. About causing you both pain, but I know, I'm always about to cause you more, and more of it. That's why...for your own good, for your sake, this night, november 14th shall be my last. It's the anniversary of our encounter with eachother. That's when everything started, right?
I really do love you both, despite what I might be telling you. I always will, always have.
Aoi, you are the only person I know who has so much pride, but still is so kind, and caring. All your good points like cheerfullness, creativity, and selflessness outrank your bad ones like your temper, your smoking, and lack of humbleness and shyness. Please forgive me for all my sins, and mistakes. I love you.
Uruha, you are the only person I know who talks so less, but says so much. Your own little world is so complicated, I'm not even surprised, you seem to forget reality in your useless escapisms, like your smoking and drinking. You are hardly here on earth, and that's the reason no one really seems to notice how selfless, caring, and very smart you actually are.
Please forgive me for all my sins, and mistakes. I love you both.
Sayuko Okamura
She commited suicide.
Because of both of us.
I went over to Kouyou and Sayu's place immiedietly, to confront Kou about this all, just after I received this miserable text message. I did, and he accepted all of my offensive words, and all of my hits, but he did tell me…that it was my fault too.
It's all OUR fault Sayuko decided to escape from life, from us. It's all our fault, that we've lost our mean to live. It's all our fault we played our love of our life away.
Is it really? SAYUKO was the one, who let Kouyou sleep with her, SAYUKO was the one, who went to get a good fuck from her ex. SAYUKO was the one, who put Kouyou in a state with "useless escapisms". SAYUKO was the one, who continuously went from one to another.
Now I look at it…all Sayu's actions triggered ours. She wanted to go to the party, where we met Kouyou. There, Kou experienced love at first sight, ooooor Sayu seduced him. That had made me sleep with a stranger. That broke us up. Then Kou had the chance to go out with her, and later he asked her hand in marriage. Then they probably fought about something, so that's why Sayu had second thoughts, and went to me. When she had enough of everything…she had commited suicide.
But there is still the fact the fact, that all the things I made happen, I did from my own will. And the things Kouyou made happen those weren't forced on him either. So it's actually…all of our mess.
"Hey Kou…" I ask softly, my face buried in his shoulder. Since when am I so intimate with him to hug him?
"What?"
"Do you think it's all our fault…that she died. I mean…all three of us." I ask, a little scared at his reaction.
"I knew all along. I just didn't I blamed it all on you."he holds me at arms length, looking deeply and seriously in my eyes.
"I did that too… I'm sorry." I avert my gaze. I can't look him in the eye anymore.
"I'm sorry too." He gently turns me to him. "Aoi…she used to call you that, right?"
"Yeah…it was kinda her thing to do it with me." And then she done it with you…Uruha.
"Can I call you Aoi?" he asks, a gentle smile on his lips. He looks so…so sad.
"Yes, of course…Uruha."my heart flutters as his face lights up to the last word. And in days…I feel like I can smile again.
XXX
After an hour of packing things away in Sayu's room, we decide to rest a little. Uruha (I'm really not used to calling Kou that) seems to know that I won't accept any food or drinks he could offer me, so he only asks me this simple question:
"Is there anything I can offer you? A drink? A smoke?" he does his best to be polite…No need though.
"A drink would be nice, but…I'd rather smoke now."
"I agree totally" he nods silently. "I can't get anything down my throat, if I don't choke it out right after. It's suffocating…." His voice turns into a whisper.
"Ah…I feel that suffocation present all the time. I can't eat, drink, sleep, I can't enjoy anything at all." I smile bitterly, with tears gathering in my eyes. "I only have my guitar. A guitar she gave me…"
„Are you serious?" he looks at me with disbelief in his eyes.
„Why?" I raise my eyebrows, annoyed at his kinda mocking reaction on my guitar.
„I play guitar too. And she gave me a guitar, too. And my guitar is the only faithful thing left for me..."he smiles...his smile is so gentle...but so sad.
„Please, play for me. I want to know how you play." I smile back.
„Of course. Only if you play too."he takes my hand, and guides me to a different room, full with books, paintings, a computer, several gaming consoles, and five beautiful guitars. I mean really beautiful ones.
A green Les Paul, a nice print on it, shining in the faint sunlight coming from the peach curtains, a typical black rock guitar, an ESP type, two quite simple electric guitars, and a western acoustic guitar, with the unmistakeable words on it: 'Sayuko no Kokoro'. Exactly the same kanjis on my guitar too... I bitterly look at it, but decide to forget it, and I ask a compeletely unrelated question.
„Whos painting is that?"
„My sisters. She used to live here, but since Sayu, she left, and her paintings are still here."
„She's really talented."I look at a portrait of Uruha, beautiful water colours making it look so beautifully reailistic, with a grey background.
I hear a soft melody coming from behind. Uruha started playing a sad ballad...full with sorrow, I can feel it, I can feel his own pain chanelled through the notes... I'm overwhelmed, as the melody sets in, my body moving by it's own, as i make my way to Kou, sitting down infront of him, I close my eyes. I purse my lips together, as i feel the tears gathering in my eyes. My body is swimming in the light, my soul and concience crystal clear, and a smile on my face...
Though I feel so pleasant now...My body is still shaking, soft sobs escaping my lips, and tears running down my face, my neck, my black shirt greedily swallowing the salty liquid... I raise my head at Kouyou, and see him tearing up as well. As if an unspoken aggreement came between us, Kou places his guitar behind him, and next thing I know, he's clinging desparetly to me, as I am to him. I'm trying to stop myself from crying, and from shaking, but it's impossible now.
Am I crying with a smile on my face? Is this possible, I'm so sad, broken, and lost, yet I feel so loved, and cherished. This body, among with all the feelings in it, every piece of bone, skin, hair, every drop of blood, every smallest cell, all of it is a present I must cherish. There will never be anything that would want me to give it up.
Because this is a possibility you get only once. To breathe, to live...everything you can do.
I'm still shaking, and I'm still tearing, I'm still pressed to Uruha the closest way possible I can in this tight embrace.
„Uruha..." I whisper as softly as possible into his neck.
„Yes?"
„Promise me...we'll live life to the fullest from now on."to the end of the sentence, my voice gets to an even rawer and lower state.
„I will, I promise...Only if you'll be my friend" he smiles at me...a smile full with generous kindness.
„I am already." I say gently, my arms circling around his neck again.