You were, I felt, robbing me of my rightful chances
My picture clear, everything seemed to easy
And so I dealt you the blow
One of us had to go
- ABBA, One Of Us
First comes reason.
It's better this way, the voices tell me. Remember that it was you who broke up with him in the first place. It's better this way.
Better. How can a life without Alec be better?
There was a reason you did this.
A reason. There was a reason I wrote down my entire life story, everything I've always kept secret all written down for Alec to read. It's still lying on the sitting room table. Unread.
It's better this way. He's going to die anyway.
Going to die, yes. Without me. He's living his life, hunting and laughing and flirting, without me. He's eighteen, for God's sake. He has years ahead of him. Without me.
It would never have worked out anyway. You know it wouldn't.
"I don't know," Alec said, that evening on the rooftop in Alicante. "I don't know, Magnus. I can't go through my life feeling like I don't know you at all." I gave him explanations. I gave him my entire life, a story of four hundred years, but Alec didn't read it. "I don't know, Magnus."
You didn't want to fall in love with a Shadowhunter, remember? You didn't want to attach yourself this tightly to a mortal. Remember what happened to Tessa.
Tessa. Tessa lived a long and happy life before Will died in her arms. That's hardly comparable to this. Anyway, so maybe I didn't intend to fall for Alec. But it's too late for that now. And I didn't intend to lose him either. Too late for that as well.
There's a reason for this, the voices insist. A reason you left him. A reason you didn't give him a second chance. A reason you didn't call him back.
Camille. I left him because of Camille. Because he tried to take my immortality. But I've forgiven him now. Alec is just a boy, and he's jealous, he's always been jealous. He just wanted to have me for himself. He just wanted to be more like me. Can I blame him for that?
That wasn't the reason. You didn't break up in the heat of passion. You'd been planning it for ages. There was a reason.
A reason. I didn't break up with Alec in the heat of passion. I planned it. That much is true. A reason. In my head, the voices are screaming disconnected sentences, echoes of words long spoken. Each of them feels like a needle piercing my heart.
"Give me another chance." – "No."
"You didn't trust me. You never have."
"It's over. I don't want to see you again, Alec."
"Aku cinta kamu."
"That doesn't change anything."
"I don't know, Magnus."
"Aku cinta kamu."
A reason. Maybe there was a reason behind all of this, once. Maybe I really thought I was doing the right thing, telling Alec to leave. Maybe there is a reason why I should leave Alec behind, a reason why an eternity without Alec is better than a few years with him. Maybe it really is better this way.
Reason. Maybe there was one. But if there was, I can't remember.
I gave you your dreams
'Cause you meant the world
So did I deserve
To be left here hurt?
- Enrique Iglesias, Takin' Back My Love
Then comes fury.
Oh yes, I am furious. I'm angry at Alec, angry at Camille, angry at God himself.
You forgave him, didn't you? the voices tell me. You told him you were sorry.
Oh yes, I told him. Over and over again. I have learned from my mistakes. Alec wanted to know me, so I wrote down my entire life, and a hell of a lot of effort I put into it, too. What else does he want me to do?
It's all Camille's fault. None of this would have happened without her.
The voices are right, it is Camille's fault. She played Alec, she played me. That deceiving manipulative bitch. She was jealous of Alec, she wanted to ruin my life, and now she's done it.
She wanted to ruin Alec's life too, though. Didn't have as much success there. The stupid Nephilim gets along perfectly fine on his own. I remember the time I ran into him, once, back when I still had hope. Alec greeted me politely and smiled and joked, and then he watched me leave without a hint of sadness or regret in his eyes.
He's supposed to be the one crying after you. You broke up with him, so why the hell is he fine and you're not?
Yes, why? Alec always needed me more than I needed him, he was always the attached one, the jealous one, the dependent one. How could he move on so easily? How is that fair?
It's because of his Shadowhunter friends.
His friends, yes. I'm angry at them too. When Alec was the lovesick one, they came knocking on my door every other day. They begged and argued and threatened and insulted me, all to make me get back together with Alec. Now I am willing, and how do they thank me?
"I thought we were friends," Blondie said once. Friends, indeed. No one is pestering Alec on my behalf.
I look at the table. My memoirs are still lying there, still unread.
You put so much energy into writing them, and Alec didn't even deign to read them.
No, he didn't. He didn't give me a second chance, he isn't even willing to devote a few hours to finding out more about me. He always demanded to know everything about my past, but now that he has the chance, he refuses to take it. Apparently, I'm not even worth a few hours of reading to him.
Well, if Alec isn't going to read them, there really isn't much of a point in keeping them.
I move my arm in a harsh gesture, and the book and table are reduced to a thousand wooden splinters and a mess of torn pages. The sight of them fills me with a grim satisfaction.
Alec had the chance to accept your offer. He denied, and now it's too late. It's his own fault.
Damn right it is. My eyes fall on the sofa, the wonderful green couch Alec liked to sit on. Another harsh movement with my arm. Alec won't ever sit on that couch again.
The bed, the one we used to sleep in together. Alec doesn't want it, there's no need to keep it. A crack, and the room is covered in down feathers.
I look around. The table, the one Alec ate at. The chairs Alec sat on. The TV Alec watched, the lamp Alec read by, the sink he washed his hands in – I destroy it all.
Fury. I don't know where it comes from, but I let it all out.
One of us is crying, one of us is lying in his lonely bed
Staring at the ceiling, wishing he was somewhere else instead
One of us is lonely, one of us is only waiting for a call
Wishing he had never left at all
- ABBA, One Of Us
Next comes pain.
I lie on the floor between my shattered pieces of furniture and cry. I cry with love, I cry with pain, I cry with regret. Shards and splinters, the remnants of my furnishings, pierce my skin and tear my clothes, but I hardly feel it. I'm hurting so much anyway, a few more cuts and bruises don't matter.
What's more, the voices tell me I deserve every one of them.
"It's over, Alec."
I know… I know I said that. Why? How could I ever let my Alec go?
"Give me a second chance." – "No."
I know I said that, too. But he tried to shorten my life, okay? I was hurt, I was angry, of course I said no. I didn't mean- I didn't want him to leave forever.
"I never want to see you again, Alec."
Did I say that? I can't really have said that, I just can't.
"Aku cinta kamu."
I told him. I told him I love him, and I meant it! I still do. Couldn't he hear it in my voice? He knows me, he knows I could never let him go. Doesn't he?
"You never answer my calls or texts."
Okay, I didn't. Why? How could I see Alec's number on the display and not pick up? How could I ignore him, knowing he was hurting? Feeling like I do now...
I love you, Alexander. I mean it. I've never loved anyone as much as you and I never will again. I can't let you go like this, please. Alec, please.
I pull my legs tight to my body and wrap my arms around them. Blood is running down my fingers – I can tell because it's more viscous than the tears that are running down my face and neck, dripping on my shirt and disappearing in my hair. Please, Alexander. Can't you see I'm hurting?
You didn't care when he was hurting.
Yeah… yeah. I know I made a mistake, a huge and unforgivable mistake, but so did Alec. And I forgave him, didn't I? Shouldn't he forgive me now? Do I really deserve this?
It's all your fault.
Maybe I do. I believed Camille, I walked right into her trap. Alec is young, he couldn't see it, but I know her. I should have known better. I should have forgiven him right away. I should have tried to find a better solution. I should have talked to him. I should have listened to him. I should have done everything. Everything but this.
My head hurts. My eyes burn. My throat is sore. And yet the tears keep flowing. How could they not? How can I ever stop crying because of Alec?
I love you, Alec. Please, just… just come back. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for everything. Alec, please. Alexander.
Pain. I've experienced quite a lot of it in my four hundred years but I have never hurt so much.
Yesterday
Love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday
- The Beatles, Yesterday
Last comes desperation.
I have no more tears left for crying. I have no more energy left for begging. I have lost the will to do anything.
I have replaced the broken furniture, new things, a new style. This is not the loft Alec lived in anymore.
I'm lying on my new couch, still bloody and bruised, but with fresh clothes. I'm on sleeping pills. They're enough to help me forget Alec.
I am numb, I don't even have the strength to feel pain anymore. Maybe it's the pills. I don't care.
Alec is gone, well and truly. I have accepted it. I'm not coping, not yet, and I don't think I will for a long time. But there's nothing I can do about it, so I don't do anything at all.
Farewell, my Alexander. I love you.