(A/N: okie, I know I haven't updated anything in forever, so I tried writing this little drabble in my attempts of a 'Please don't kill me! I'll post the new chapter of :place story(ies) here: soon I promise!' Which I will. So in the mean time, chew on this and swallow, it's delicious XD)
DISCLAIMER: The dog walker is not always the dog owner; so I apologize to everyone who thought I owned Inuyasha and co.
Ignorance
I knew.
Yeah, that's right. I've known all along.
Okay, so maybe I didn't quite recognize it when the symptoms first started to show, but it was quite obvious after a while. To be honest, I didn't want that to happen, but I guess there was no avoiding it. I tried to ignore it, to put it into the back of my mind, but I couldn't. It...made me happy, to put it in a way that we both understand it. It shouldn't happen, but yet, I wanted it to. I wanted it all along, because I knew it was happening to me to.
Kagome was falling in love with me, and I with her.
I guess it really hit me when that damn monk pointed it out the day we met. From then on, I looked for hints from Kagome to find out if she felt the same way. It didn't take long.
I suppose that people like making me ignorant of her feelings for the reason that I don't...well, make a move on her as some would say. Hey, I might do some stupid stuff, but I'm not that idiotic. And before you go chewing me out, I have an actual reason for not telling her.
It's because I know what it's doing to her. Her being attached to me, means it keeps making it harder and harder for her to let go. That's why I sent her home after Sesshomaru cut a gaping hole through my stomach. I had been putting it off, waiting for the opportunity, yet still slightly hoping it would never come. When she had found her way back, I knew I had acted too late.
And yet...I was happy about that, too.
I couldn't help it, knowing that someone loved me that much to not want to leave, even when I technically betrayed them. I knew that I had to act fast, or else there would be any hope of her letting me go...for me to let her go. That's where Kikyou came in.
I didn't want to hurt her, I really didn't, but I couldn't think of any other way. I wasn't blinded by the love I had with the Kikyou before she died, I was blinded by grief and regret. Not only did I feel horrible about what I did to Kikyou, but for what I was doing to Kagome as well. I didn't have the right to steal her heart when we lived in two totally different worlds. When she woke me up from the spell that Kikyou had on me when I was being down to hell, I had momentarily forgotten that I was trying to get her to forget me and I jumped out of Kikyou's trap.
From that day on, I knew that we were both totally screwed.
I'm sure she hasn't realized it yet, but because of our situation, I tried going back to Kikyou again, this time, however, I would not let my feelings for her get in the way. I accepted the fact that Kagome and I could never be together. Looks like she was going to try anyway, because when she came back asking (asking!) me to stay, I could do nothing but let that happen. Stupid, naive girl...I tried everything I could from preventing it from happening, yet fate had other plans.
No one that's close to me knows; although I did blurt it out accidentally when I was arguing with Kouga. It was after I had jumped into the river of flames with Renkotsu and everyone thought I was dead (how wrong they were) and when Kagome found out I wasn't, she had literally ran into my arms. Kouga got all pissed, saying that he would never give up on her. I had yelled stupidly something along the lines of; "One look should tell you that ain't gonna happen." I thought that Kagome had caught me for sure, though she may have but never let on.
It was way out of my hands by then. And I accepted that fact too. When Menomaru controlled Kagome, making her almost kill me, I trusted her enough to know instantly that it wasn't really her who was attacking me. She obviously felt absolutely horrible about it, and when we had that meeting at the Goshinboku, I knew that something must've happened. When I teased her about being stupid and running; she had started to yell, but then stopped. She wasn't going to tell me what really had made her go back home, but I wasn't going to press. Thinking about that gave me a clue, though. The only times she didn't want to tell me what was going on was when Kikyou was involved. I don't know exactly what happened, but I had a pretty good idea.
It seems that I'm blaming everything on her, but I know that most of this is my fault. I tried to go up to her at that moment by the Goshinboku, but my wounds prevented me from doing that, so she came running towards me saying that I shouldn't be moving yet. This wasn't her fault, I had needed to tell her that I wasn't mad at her in the least. So I pulled her into me, and told her that I needed her with me. I think she got the message of what I was trying to say; that I love you so much that I can't let you go. I think she at least got that much, because she cried into my shoulder and thanked me.
And I know that she was upset and jealous about the times that I went back to Kikyou, hell, she even told – more like yelled – it into my face. Now 'technically' we were arguing about Miroku and Sango, but we both knew better. It was when (surprise) we met a girl from Miroku's past. She nearly tore the pair apart, but that's besides the point. Kagome yelled at me and I quote, "She's just met a woman from his past; of course she's going to be upset!" I backed off then, I mean, what was I supposed to say? "Maybe he wants Sango to get over him because they live in two different worlds and he's just hurting her all the time!" Please. As I said before; I'm not that dumb.
I want to tell her this, but I don't think that there's any need. Actions speak better than words, and right now, with her leaning against my shoulder with my arm around her, my movements are telling her what I always seem to screw up with my words. I think about this being the perfect time to tell her this, but as she sighs in content and leans closer, I sigh too.
I'll tell her tomorrow.