Disclaimer – Oh, how I wish they belonged to me, especially Grissom! But Sadly they don't, & I don't think Santa thought I'd been good enough last year!. Heavy sigh! Please don't sue, I am only a very poor fanfiction writer.
A/N Contains most spoilers for season 9 up & including spoilers for 9.10. The story is cannon GSR story & my take on what I think has been happening & what I think should happen! Kinda Grissom POV. Beta'd by myself so any remaining mistakes are all mine, so I apologize in advance. I hope you enjoy this one off story that is written and in 3 chapters only. Please take the time to leave a review at the end. R & R Enjoy!
Burning out, moving on
Still reeling from the shock of Warrick's untimely death in his arms, in front of his very eyes as his friends lifeblood seeped from the wound in his neck, the same blood which had covered most of his clothing before depositing them with Hodges as evidence, he'd then taken off for the showers in a numb kind of robotic way.
No one approached him as he walked the lab halls, but he could still feel and see the sad looks he was getting as he passed by labs on his way to the sanctuary of his own office.
Walking with his head tilted slightly down to hide any escaping emotions in his eyes, betraying his normal stoic façade, he entered his office as the hairs on the back of his neck alerted him with a jolt immediately to her presence.
Stopping in his forward momentum, then looking up and directly at her stood resting against the front of his desk, he seemed to take moments to realize that she, Sara, the only woman he had ever loved was right here in his office having obviously having heard of Warrick's recent demise.
But who, or how were questions to be asked later, as his body seemed to move involuntary towards her, to be closer to her, as he stopped in front of her, feeling unfamiliar strong mixed up emotions build within him, wanting to burst forth.
Should he embrace her? Would she want him too? Should he wait for her to initiate any long awaited and desperately needed contact between them, was the myriad of questions racing through his mind as they both seemed to read each others thoughts, then embrace each other at the same time ending the couples quandary.
Hearing the falter and emotion in her voice as she held on to him tightly, he had to close his eyes tightly to battle his own tears from demanding to appear, as he grasped her in his arms tenderly and gratefully, letting them both have this private much needed moment together, to console, comfort and support.
The next few day went by with a kind of numbness that was felt throughout the whole team, although everyone put their own feelings aside to solve Warrick's case as quickly and efficiently as possible.
Sara unable to be a part of the investigating team offered to organize everything for their friends funeral starting by going with Greg to Warwick's apartment for cloths, but even that seemingly innocent gesture turned up the new shocking fact that Warrick had a son to his former wife Tina, but what put more pressure on Grissom to solve the case, to fight his tumultuous emotions, was seeing the Psych evaluation recording his rock of the team had done praising him as a man and a farther figure.
At the huge lump in his throat as the recording ended, he just wanted to take Sara home, lock the doors, hold her tightly, and let all of his emotions escape in the privacy he knew he could afford, with the one person he trusted more than anyone else in the world right now.
But he needed to keep his emotions in check, his grieving team needed him now more than ever, he had to be strong, he needed to guide and lead his team of CSI's & friends in their hour of need.
Everyone put their immediate grief and emotions aside to solve the case quickly, Geoffrey McKeen was apprehended by a taunted Nick, his accomplice found dead at the scene of their car crash.
The funeral was a very sombre affair with many off Warrick's team mates and colleagues shedding a tear or two, his ex-wife Tina attended with their son Ely, along with many from the LVPD.
Sara's hand of support on his arm as he sat beside her in the church gave him much comfort, before he delivered his emotional eulogy to a man who looked upon him as a father, his emotions began to break free with his gaze landing on Sara.
They briefly attended the wake, went about the socially acceptable routine of chatting with a few people before quietly slipping out of the venue and going home to be alone together.
They both seemed to easily fall back into a familiar kind of routine they had shared many months before, apart from him having to leave for the lab looking tired and reluctant, Sara staying home with Hank walking him more than usual, surfing on the internet and replying to her e-mails, their awkward and uncertain life went on for them.
Cooking, sharing meals, bathing,chores and reading, being intimate, adding the odd comment and chatting briefly, but mainly just letting the comfortable silence envelope them, both evading what really needed to be discussed between them, the huge elephant that was their future.
Days later as they both laid upon the bed together in the quiet comfortable private sanctuary of their lives, Sara decided it was time to approach what they both knew the other was putting off and ignoring, they needed to make some kind of positive step forward, in their long arduous journey that had developed into a romantic and intimate relationship.
The telephone began to ring interrupting her thoughts, but Gil made no attempt or gesture to want to answer it what so ever, which in earlier months he wouldn't have hesitated to do.
Getting up onto her elbow from resting her head on his shoulder, and beginning to affectionately playing with the fingers of his hand, using it as a focal point for her gaze, so she didn't have to see the look in his eyes as she made her suggestion, she began in a soft tone.
"That's the lab again...............Do you wanna get it?" she asked glancing at him as he stared at the ceiling.
A simple "No..." from him was all Sara needed to see that he also recognized they had come to the point that now needed a resolution for them both.
Taking her glance from him to stare at the fingers she was gently stroking in her own, she spoke quietly, "Maybe we should go away for a while" she said looking back at him as he continued to stare ahead now, then roll his eyes upon the ceiling once more as if searching for something.
Barely shaking his head, he replied in a defeated but soft tone, knowing her suggestion was impossible at this moment in time, "I cant............We're so short" he paused as he looked at her, then asked "Why don't you stay?".
Sitting up on the bed a little more, to collect her thoughts before answering she let go of his hand, " I can't stay here" as she turns her gaze towards him now hoping he will understand why she cant.
Resettling against his shoulder again, and placing her palm flat to his chest, his hand came up to rest upon hers as she continued in a dreamlike and hopeful tone "Maybe it would be nice to take a trip.......I dunno get on a sea shepherd..........Go to the Galapagos.........We could literally walk in the footsteps of Darwin..
Leaving her suggestion to linger between them, the moment was broken abruptly by the phone ringing insistently again, she let out a resigned sigh and got up and sat on the side of the bed with her back to him, her almost plea and their intimate time alone to hopefully reach some kind of future decision coming to an halt.
"You better get that, it'll be the lab calling again" she threw over her shoulder as she started to leave the bedroom "I'll go walk Hank.......I'll see you later" she said leaving without looking back at him as her shoulders slumped, and resignation took over her body.
He wanted desperately to say yes to her, take her away from all this death and misery that had been a huge part of their lives for far to long now, but his strong loyalty to science, the lab and his struggling night shift team prevented him voicing the words he wished he could have told her.
Closing his eyes as her departing words reached him, he wondered where their path together would now take them, he couldn't leave, she couldn't stay, stalemate, catch 22 situation, between a rock and a hard place were all words that now rambled around his brain, as a new deeper sadness engulfed him.
Later at the lab as he sat in his office alone after he had been shocked by Sara's involvement of the Tom Adler homicide case of his beloved wife Pam, and her emotional discussion with him pleading the man's innocence, he tried to organize all the many thoughts, recent conversations with both Sara and the suspect in his case, and his own feelings on them all.
Had he inadvertently voiced his own feeling to Sara about their current relationship through discussing the Tom Adler case with her?, if he had, he'd not meant too and had never done before.
Shaking his head he closed his eyes, in his minds eye saw her old walls come up again to try to hide her emotions that were usually so clear in her beautiful eyes, as she seemed to collect herself, push her shoulders back, then get up and leave without so much as another word.
Gil replayed the conversation over in his head to see if he could have said something different at the time, something to comfort her, placate her, to make her feel less pain and guilt for the Adler's plight.
"I'm not saying that he didn't love her, he loved her so much he kept her alive for 8 years.......Your still a scientist, you know after that many years he realized she wasn't coming back to him........I mean. Sooner or later a relationship in stasis withers.........You get angry....You need more than the safety of knowing your not alone".
Were these my own personal feelings getting entwined with my more normal professional feelings on such cases?
"Then he should have just walked away" she shot back defiantly as she stared hard at him trying to mask the hurt she'd felt at his comment.
So then why did he have to reply stupidly with "Well maybe...He needed her to leave him"? When he should have thought out more clearly for an alternative answer for her.
Seeing her emotions safely covered up again, she seem to come to some kind of sad realization and her reply of "Who are we talking about right now?" made him feel guilty and uncomfortable.
Breaking his gaze with her momentarily, not wanting to see the disappointed look in her eyes looking down, before looking at her again almost apologetic, he watched as she left his office quickly, not knowing yet that this would be the last time he would see her for some time.
The young man's pained familiar words as Gil interviewed him for killing his lover, the mother of his child 'I gave her everything, then she took it all away', a phrase not unlike one he had used himself in years gone by, where Dr Lurie had killed his former lover and her new conquest, the very same woman who looked hauntingly too alike his Sara.
Opening his eyes again and looking around his office, he let out a heavy sigh as he stood and gathered his things to head on home, to try and repair some of the damage he knew he had inflicted upon their relationship.
After entering his home, immediately he felt something was wrong, Hank didn't come and greet him as usual, no music played and the air around him seemed almost heavy and stagnant., but most importantly he couldn't feel her presence any more.
Making towards their bedroom quickly, dumping his bag, keys and jacket on route, he soon discovered her meagre belongings she had brought with her gone.
Her favourite book of poems on her night stand no longer there, the backpack that was hung over the chair absent, her female grooming stuff bereft of his chest of drawers.
Nothing, all that she had brought with her to remind him of her had vanished as is never once here, but in his memory they had been, and would stay until they could be together gain, locked away with his many treasured memories of her.
Toeing off his shoes, then slumping wearily on to his back in to the softness of the bed, on her side, he felt that more insistent recent feeling of the sting to his eyes as tears started to form.
Covering his eyes with one arm, he let them free for the first time in so many many years, rolling to his side as quiet sobs shook his large frame, he couldn't think right now, he didn't want to, didn't want to face what this all really meant, so he let out all his pain through his tears as he eventually surrendered to a fitful sleep.
Waking up hours later he found the simple note from her on the fridge informing him that Hank was at the sitters, no 'Hi', no 'Goodbye', or I'll be in touch, just the information she needed to tell him.
Rather than face his current feelings about his broken relationship, Warrick's death and the combined grief of them both that he really should deal with, he relied on previous past methods of coping strategies.
He poured all his energy and efforts into the lab, investigating many new, seemingly less exciting cases as he saw them now, when they all piled up into yet more paperwork at the end of the day on his desk.
All eyes in the lab seem to watch him daily as he tried to go about his business as their supervisor, he made a mistake that Dave Hodges of all people had to point out to him gracefully, but his façade almost slipped fully when cornered by the councillor brought in by Ecklie, the one to help the team cope with their feeling after Warrick's death by one of their own.
He had used Hank to relay to her his own personal feelings of grief, not only for Warrick, but for his lost future happiness with Sara, that he was sure was probably irrefutably beyond his control now.
Patricia's advice recommended was common sense really, but the one person he trusted the most and wanted to speak with was now, no longer available to him.
Sara had not contacted him in weeks, No E-mail, No phone call, No posted letter telling him if she was safe, or even where she was, in all the years he had known her, she had always let him know she was safe and where she was staying at.
As he started to do the processing with Catherine in the morgue, her comments about the victim and her findings seemed to fade away as his concern for Sara's well being and safety, but more so her actual location, broke his normal concentration on cases.
Prompted by Catherine asking where Sara was he sadly revealed he didn't know where she was, he carried on with the processing hoping she wouldn't press him for more information he wasn't about to share with her.
Why in the hell did all the recent cases seem to be getting harder and harder for him to concentrate on, hold his interest, where was his normal enthusiasm for solving the puzzle of the cases, catching the bad guys like before?
Everything lately seemed bathed in a bleak solemn darkness, more sadness and sorrow followed each case he investigated, it felt to him as if what little light was left, was fading from his life every day that passed.
Ecklie hired a new female CSI to join his team, another reminder of the changes now taking place, and the painfully constant reminder that he wasn't working with the one woman he had always enjoyed solving puzzles with.
Still after each passing day, that soon turned to weeks, there was still no word of Sara's whereabouts.
A man who easily murdered five people going about their day, and a young child saved at the last minute because no one would recognise his artistic talent.
The young woman who simply wanted something more than a drink in a club, had to push for more and ended up being one of seven victims in the ensuing hours, as her father was suspected of killing the six other people as an act of revenge for his daughters death.
Each new case made him more reluctant to answer his cell phone, and his home land line the few times he was so exhausted he really needed to sleep there. He knew he was neglecting not only himself but Hank, both were not sleeping enough, Hank turned his nose away from his kibble as Gil skipped meals, their appetites poor.
Sara's web cam message had been found and played over a couple of times earlier in the day, he now knew a month later after her leaving, that she was now aboard a sea shepherd in the Galapagos Islands.
On the drive to the scene, her messages seemed to play on repeat in his mind as he tried to make sense of it all, of their relationship,of her words spoken to him, of her using her old ways and giving him the out that she thought that he had wanted, only to be chastised by Catherine for not answering his call out sooner.
Even the weather was dark, wet and dismal when Ian Wallace's seemingly S & M related death led him to drive out to his frowned upon friend, and former dominatrix Heather Kessler, who he'd not seen in may months.
After the initial shock of having him call on her at such a late hour, Heather made him a hot drink and led him upstairs to her living area, they discussed some of the findings of the case, Heather requesting pictures of the victim's home before giving him her full analysis of their evidential findings.
Gil honestly believing he had sought out her professional opinion to aid the case, but as the web cam message flashed in his memory distracting him in to thinking of Sara again, Heather seemed to pick up on his troubled thoughts and sadness.
Asking if Sara knew he was at her home, and his reply of 'No', Heather pushed a little harder after giving him her professional opinion on the case, asking him then 'Am I your secret'?.
His retort of "No.....And your not my therapist" let her know that he was not receptive to talking about his personal situation with her just yet.
Gently asking him if she can make a general observation as a friend and not a therapist, then asking where Sara is must have been the key to make him open up to her, as he relayed to her, his and Sara's last communications then Sara's subsequent departure.
Being as truthful but as gentle as she could, she told him that in such cases that the relationship was often over before it was officially over.
Gil going on the defensive immediately, replied somewhat uncomfortably, feeling slightly vulnerable "I didn't say the relationship is over" as he looked to her for some kind of hope.
Kindness was the the thing most apparent that her friend needed right now, but honesty too if she was to be a real friend to him "You didn't have to, not making a decision was making your decision.
She paused before adding "I think your here because it's not home, it's not work, and it's the only place that doesn't remind you of Sara" seeing him look so tired and troubled, she decided to offer him a temporary sanctuary from his tormented memories of Sara at work and at home "I have a guest room upstairs.....You can stay as long as you want".
Getting him settled ready to leave him to get the rest that he so obviously needed, and to get his thoughts together once more, this gentle man that showed so little of his true self to others as he hid behind such a controlled mask of indifference, had deeply saddened her tonight as she watched his mask slipping for the first time she'd known him, seeing his pained emotions breaking forth.
Heather was about to close the door to the guest room, when he asked her to stay, and as she hesitated, she then realized that he was just asking for a friend, not a lover, to just be there for him, nothing more, but the request non the less, was a huge step in their strange ongoing relationship.
Park Bang's case was a hard case for him, the ones involving children always were, but more so as he witnessed the boys distress at receiving dubious drug treatment from an arrogant doctor, who didn't seem to have clue on how to handle children.
Finding out that the boy was the shooter and consequent killer of his own mother only saddened him more, that the boy having been pushed to such a point in his short life, had no other choice in his mind to make such an awful decision to take back control of his life, this case was one he wished he had never solved.
Gil's phone never stopped calling him to new scenes as crime didn't ease up once in sin city, each case with less 'Grissom enthusiasm' than the last one, but still the solving and irritating paperwork at the end of the day.
Another brief spell in his office trying to get through the masses of files and mail, he recognised the official looking letter addressed to him on the top of the new batch.
On opening and reading, he heavily sighed as that haunting name seemed to jump from the page at him 'Natalie Davis', he was being subpoena to appear at her transfer hearing to decide if she was now mentally competent to serve her sentence in a regular prison populated facility now.
Being mandated by law he couldn't get out of it even if he wanted to, but what could he possibly add to the proceedings that would make any difference to the outcome? He wasn't a psychiatrist or any other expert in mental health, so what would they want from him?
Not sure what purpose they wanted him to attend for, he was still a little inquisitive enough to want to see Natalie again, to try to answer a more personal question he wanted answering, 'Can people really change?'.
Could he change? From spending so many years working as a determined CSI at the lab, having so much control on his routine and life, keeping himself guarded and not seeking out social interaction with others?
Could Sara change? Conquer her ghosts? Her childhood? Her fathers death at the hands of her mother? The ghosts of her victims from the cases in Vegas? The ghost that almost took her from him - Natalie Davis? And move forward with her life happily now?
Could Natalie really change? Or was she just so clever to be able to convince others she had?
That last question was the main question that he feared may actually be right, as he found the miniature model concealed under the floor tile, was this Natalie telling him she wouldn't be accepting her punishment after all, but taking the cowards way out through suicide?
He left the mental health feeling disturbed by the new miniature that he had reported to Dr Wilson, and disappointed at not getting any true kind of answer to his pressing question.
Was he looking for the answer from others, Natalie, Heather, maybe even the victims of some of the cases, when he should be looking to himself for the answer?
Or was this a case of simple indecision on his part to try to make an attempt to change his future? Follow his heart for once, his recent happiness with the only woman he has ever loved? Try out a new types of employment other than being a CSI.
But hadn't he already changed some? Working at the lab, taking the sabbatical to have a go at seeing how his teaching skills would be if he were to leave the lab, living with Sara sharing a home, their relationship out in the open and proposing marriage?
He could feel a migraine coming on with all the questions and thoughts going through his active but tired mind, he needed sleep
Taking his medication and slipping into bed to try to sleep off the building pain, he felt his recent past attempts to change a poor excuse, and now his indecisiveness was letting Sara down in a huge way after all the sacrifices she had made over the years for him.
His delay and indecisiveness had caused him to have to face up to one of his greatest fears yet, that he may have, or possibly still could loose what he had abused in the past, but now felt was the most treasured thing to him, Sara's gift of loving him unconditionally, and he likewise in return.
Had her past threat of him 'being too late', now come to back to haunt him, hurt him, and force him to face a solitary painful existence for the rest of his life?
Gil felt his chest tighten as the band of pain around his head increased, was this what it would feel like to have your heart truly broken, that was his last thoughts as happy memories of them together played like a cinema reel in his mind, with the drowsy effects of the pills took him into a fitful sleep once more.
Waking a few hours later feeling groggy from the effect of the pills and a heavy heart, he hauled himself out of bed wearily to jump into the shower.
The shower seemed to invigorate him clearing his foggy mind as clarity to his situation hit him suddenly, perhaps he had to get to this dark depressive point to help him realize where his priorities had lain, but really should have.
Drying off with his towel and letting the barest hint of a smile lift one side of his mouth, he quickly got changed, took Hank out for a very brief pee break then rushed back inside with a mental list of things he now wanted to do before he was either called in for a case or his shift would start.
Glancing at his watch to check the time, exiting the surfing windows he had open, he closed his e-mail account, then hit the print button followed by clicking off his open office program, then shutting down the laptop.
Grabbing an envelope from his desk drawer and addressing it appropriately, he pulled the printout over to the desk then deposited it in the envelope with a satisfied smirk on finishing.
Turning to look down at Hank resting his head on his paws at his feet Gil spoke "Well now I've finally made up my mind buddy, all we need to do is wait for a reply, ......That's if we get one" he added, then sighed worriedly, this was the only part of his plan of action that could potentially wreck the whole thing he was hoping to pull off in the next four weeks.
Another glance at his watch told him he better get a move on to the lab soon before Catherine chewed his ear off again, or his unusual late attendance drew more unwanted attention to him.
"Come on buddy just a quick walk today I'm afraid" Gil said standing ready up to go collect his jacket and the dogs leash.
Still no reply from the e-mail he'd sent over a week ago, he was beginning to get a little angsty, but the case of the young wannabe singer taking his team back to visit past decades of old Las Vegas seemed to at least to occupy his mind for the next few days, later he found out that a white woman in those days could literally get away with murder, but not dating a black guy, he was glad that things had changed on hearing the news.
Playing poker like he had done in his earlier years on coming to Vegas and up until his romantic relationship with Sara began, reminded him of Fiona, the girl he had once thought that he had loved, but if he had, and he'd truly been happy, surely he wouldn't have gotten so wrapped up in his science and work if he had.
Knowing that he'd not loved her and prompted by Catherine asking why he came to Vegas in the first place, he actually opened up and revealed the information freely to his long time friend, who seemed almost relieved for him doing so, as she reminded him that he always had his family in his friends.
Feeling less burdened, stressed and sad than he had done in recent months since Sara left, he cryptically added 'Maybe it's time to up the ante" as they continued to stroll down the strip together.
Three and a half months had now passes since that awkward talk in his office, weeks since his tentative, apologetic, and heartfelt e-mail to her hoping it wasn't to late for him, but all he'd received was vague information that she was back on US soil once more, had something important that she needed to take care of and that she would be in touch with him again very soon.
Days turned into weeks as more cases came and went solved satisfactorily, the perpetrator apprehended, as Gil met with Ecklie and the sheriff to officially hand in his resignation, they tried every trick in the book to get him to stay on, even offering him promotion.
The realtor had surveyed and valued the apartment then put it on the market at a very good asking price to prospective buyers, as he'd made a start on boxing a lot of his collections of science paraphernalia, books, display insects and other stuff he had around his home that would go into storage temporarily.
Stuff went to goodwill, live insects and all their equipment was delivered to an old entomology friend he'd often spent hours discussing their joint love of insects with. Unwanted science experiment equipment donated to the local college, just the furniture they'd bought together and the few things he would need until he left remained.
Each night that he went into the lab, he felt guilty that he couldn't seem to find the right time or words to tell his team what was about to happen, putting it off as long as he could just so as not to have to spend too much time saying goodbye's, that wasn't his thing, he didn't want a fuss making.
After getting home from a pretty quiet shift at work for once, he again opened his laptop to check for any incoming e-mails, seeing Sara's message he hesitated before opening it, hoping and praying that he might have that last chance with her.
The message was simple but very strange and daunting to him, she would be staying at the Belagio for one night tomorrow, she wanted to meet with him there in her hotel room at 3pm, nothing more as to why she felt the need to stay in a hotel room rather than with him, what or why she wanted to meet with him.
A Foreboding and fearful feeling sat low in his stomach as he read the message over and over to see if he could glean anything more information from her words, but he couldn't, and she'd known he'd try so she'd kept it very simple and to the point.
Gil was fidgety all through shift, distracted constantly, he was very nervous of the upcoming meeting and what is could possible mean for them as a couple with any kind of a future.
Both Jim and Catherine made comments about his lack of concentration during the night, as he dealt with the simple breaking and entering to get him out of the lab and to hopefully distract him from over thinking too much.
Shift was over, he was about to head on home for a short nap before getting ready to go see Sara after he made the couple of stop off's he planned on the way, when Jim called inviting him to breakfast.
After some cajoling from Jim, and realizing he would probably not end up sleeping, he agreed to meet him at the diner.
Breakfast felt like it would be their last shared meal together as Jim reminisced about some of the stranger cases they'd investigated together over the years, but neither expressed any regrets to each other, or discussed anything on a personal level, nor did Gil reveal the bombshell he knew he would have to share very soon as his four weeks served notice only had one more week to run.
Gil felt Jim pause momentarily several times as if he was about to ask something, most likely how Sara was doing, or if they still had any kind of relationship with her being away from Vegas again, but he never asked in the end, and Gil never told.
Leaving the diner Gil glanced at his watch to see he still had two hours before meeting Sara, his nerves making his measly breakfast churn in his stomach he decided to go for a drive, forgoing any idea's to even try to get in a nap.
Entering the elevator of the Belagio had Gil's nerves at an all time high, within the next hour or so he would be able to possibly get an angel on his life's future path, he just hoped Sara would a central part of it, the alternative wasn't bearable for him to even consider at this point in time.
Slowly the elevator ascended as if unusually slower than it should, as urgent questions suddenly assaulted his worried mind.
A/N I hope you all liked the first part of this story, this has been one of the hardest ones for me to to write to date and took several attempts at getting it anywhere near what I wanted to be. The next chapter will be posted tomorrow.
Please take the time to leave a review, I would really appreciate your comments.