Painted On My Heart
Disclaimer: Only what's mine is mine. Dammit.
A/N: So, this song is a little angsty for my taste, but I like the message it sends. It's very Sam/Jack in my opinion. My first thought was that this would be Jack about Sam…but then I thought that it kinda fit Sam's way of thinking a little more. So, I changed it to Sam about Jack.
This is my second songfic, so I really hope you guys enjoy it. I'm not really for songfics and stuff, but I really like this song and it kept niggling in my mind…so I had to write this.
As always, feedback is appreciated but never demanded or required. I want you guys to enjoy my stories…not feel you have to comment on them. But, if you do want to review, no flames please.
Set sometime during or after "Threads", but before the ninth season. Slightly AU cause, once again, Janet isn't dead and neither is Jacob. I will so never accept anything else.
And Kerry never existed.
WARNING: I am REALLY hard on Pete. I mean I make Sam sound like she hates him. So if that bothers you, don't read. LOL.
BTW: The italics are the lyrics.
So, without further ado…
ENJOY MUCHLY!!
Sam dropped her head onto her arms and sighed. She had been trying to concentrate on this stupid piece of alien technology for the last four hours, but she'd barely made any progress. It wasn't that the device was complicated…it was just that it wasn't that important and she had a much more…pressing matter to deal with.
Her engagement.
Even thinking about it made her shiver. And not in a good way. She had the familiar feeling of dread twisting her insides. The feeling that she got when she was on an alien planet and night had fallen and every little sound put her on edge.
Sam chuckled humorlessly. She was comparing her engagement to being in danger on a planet. Good God.
And it wasn't even the idea of being engaged…it was who she was engaged to. The guy was a last ditch attempt to try and quash the overwhelming feelings for her CO…but it wasn't working. Nothing ever seemed to work.
She was in too deep. She loved him with all of her heart and she was just using Pete as an excuse. She couldn't do that to him. To either of them. She was systematically destroying the one thing that meant more to her than life…and the one thing that meant nothing at all.
There was no denying it; no escaping it. She loved General Jack O'Neill more than she'd ever loved anything and she was only hurting them with this…ugh…engagement.
Sam groaned. "Why do I do this to myself?" she muttered, eyes closed, head still lying on her arms. She had always considered herself a cautious, analytical person. One that never made rash decisions or did things that…didn't compute. Well, this whole mess really didn't make sense. What the hell did she see in Pete anyway? He didn't understand her line of work, what she does in her line of work, how close she is with her teammates…and her father.
Sam groaned again. He had actually called Selmac a "thing." How stupid can he get? Oh! And how it must just "freak him right out sometimes." God…he had sounded like such a tool. Sam knew he was just trying to be friendly, but…damn! Did he have to sound so ignorant?
She didn't love Pete; she never had. He had just been an excuse to hide her other…more 'frowned upon' feelings. For her commanding officer of eight years.
God, how she loved him.
God, how she tried to forget.
I thought you'd be out of my mind.
And I'd finally found a way,
To live without you.
She had known from the minute she had seen him that she was in trouble. Maybe it hadn't been love at first sight, but it had been love at first mission. He was loyal, strong, courageous, dependable, considerate, protective, mostly level-headed, and smart…even though he pretended not to be. She always felt safe when she was with him. He would do anything for his team and they, in turn, would do the same for him.
But, he was also funny, sarcastic, witty, charming, and cynical. He could always lighten the mood and bring everything back into perspective when things get too heated. He could always make her laugh. She trusted him with her life. He trusted her with his.
The most Pete could make her do was give him a weak, not-even-half-hearted smile. He was nothing like Jack. He was nothing that she loved.
Hell, Pete had gone so far as to tail her because he didn't trust her.
I thought it was just a matter of time,
Till I had a hundred reasons,
Not to think about you.
Squeezing her eyes shut, Sam thought about everything she'd done wrong when it came to personal matters. 'Give me a gun and I'll do fine…give me love and I'll crash and burn.' She thought with a hint of disgust. It wasn't hard to love Jack…it was hard not being able to tell him. But who knew if he even felt the same way anymore? Who knew if he ever felt the same way?
Sure…he'd said he cared about her…but that was four years ago. Things change. She had gotten weak and tried to move on. Tried to be happy with someone she was allowed to be with, instead of watching helplessly as she and her CO grew further apart.
After all, eight years was a long time to love someone and not be able to tell them.
But it's just not so,
And after all this time,
I still can't let go.
Picking up her head she stared unseeingly at her computer screen. Her blue eyes reflected pain, indecision, and regret in the ethereal bluish light. This had gone too far. She had screwed up.
It was time to fix her life. Their life.
I've still got your face,
Painted on my heart,
Scrawled upon my soul,
Etched upon my memory, baby.
Sam nearly ran out of the mountain, the hot afternoon sun spurring her on. She jumped into her car and drove away from the mountain as fast as the law would allow her. She shook her head at the absurdity of her cautiousness. Her life was about to be blown to hell and she was worried about the speed limit.
Dammit. He'd as good as told her that he was a safe bet. Even if that had been over a year ago and it really wasn't him, she knew that he would say the same thing now. He was the safest person she had ever met…in more ways than one. What had she done?
She also remembered that she'd been too afraid to kiss him…even if he was just a projected image from her mind. Oh, she had thought about kissing him. Even saw it in her mind's eye. How pathetic was that? She had kissed him in a figment of a figment of her imagination.
How was that even possible?
I've got your kiss,
Still burning on my lips.
The touch of your fingertips,
This love so deep inside of me, baby.
Something had changed between them in the last year. Sam had no doubt that it had a lot to do with Pete. But some of it was due to the General's absorption of the Ancient knowledge and her capture by the Replicators. Then Daniel's capture by the Replicators.
It had never seemed like the right time to talk. Something always got in the way. Sam loved her job…but sometimes…it really sucked to be her.
I was trying everything thing that I can,
To get my heart to forget you,
But it just can't seem to.
Sam knew she hadn't helped the situation any by distancing herself further from him. But…it hurt too much to be around him. It hurt too much to see the resignation in his eyes and feel his quiet support.
She pulled out her cellphone and dialed a number that she would soon delete. She told him to meet her at the house that he wanted to be theirs. The house she would never allow to be theirs.
I guess it's just no use.
In every part of me,
Is still a part of you.
She watched him walk away. He pulled the 'sold' sticker off the sign and continued walking around the corner, out of sight. 'Out of my life.' Sam thought with no small amount of relief. She felt bad about hurting the man…but he wasn't worth hurting the man she really loved. Nothing was worth that.
Pete had even said that he had always known. Sam could only assume he meant that he had known that she loved someone else. Sam could also only assume that he knew who she loved. Even if said loved one didn't know.
Sam stood up slowly and walked to her car, her stomach twisting with butterflies. Her heart was pounding and she knew she only had one thing left to do. But she also needed to talk to someone first. Someone who had known her for eight years and would understand the 'female' perspective of the problem.
………………………………………………………………………………………………
"Come in!" Janet called from inside her office. Sam stepped in, closing the door behind her. "Sam!" Janet smiled and stopped typing her report. Her smile faded when she caught the hesitation in Sam's eyes. "Sam? What's wrong?"
"Hey Janet." Sam said, evading her friend's question. "Whatcha doing?"
Janet frowned and gave Sam a 'don't beat around the bush' look. "Sam." She pushed.
Carter sighed and dropped into the chair opposite Janet. "I broke up with Pete."
Janet tried to look apologetic, but she couldn't do it. She hadn't been fond of the guy. She also knew the real reason Sam had said yes to him. "You okay?"
"Yeah." Sam nodded and replied honestly. "Better than okay, I think." She paused, unsure of how she wanted to continue. She decided on being honest. "I didn't love him. He deserved more than what I could pretend to give him."
Janet nodded and waited for Sam to continue. When it became apparent that she wasn't going to, Janet stepped in. "Are you thinking of doing what I think you're thinking of doing?" she said in that casual roundabout way that she used when they usually broached the coming topic.
Sam averted her eyes and shrugged. "Maybe…I don't know. It's just…" Her voice caught and she shivered. This was hard. Much harder than she wanted it to be. Something as primitive and old as love should be easy right? It was easy in movies. So why the hell wasn't it easy in real life?
In her life?
And I've still got your face,
Painted on my heart,
Scrawled upon my soul,
Etched upon my memory, baby.
And I've got your kiss
Still burning on my lips,
The touch of your fingertips,
This love so deep inside of me, baby.
"Sam…it's been eight years." Janet gently reminded her, reaching out and squeezing her forearm. "You deserve it. You both deserve this."
"Janet…I'm not good with this. I can build a naquadah reactor from scrap parts in my kitchen, I can stand up to a Goa'uld system lord without blinking an eye…but, I can't do this." Sam took a deep breath and met Janet's eyes. The doctor was looking at her with a mixture of understanding, amusement, and frustration.
"Sam…he loves you. He always has." Janet spoke quietly, gently. But Sam's head snapped up, her eyes widening.
"Janet…you can't know that." Sam shook her head, her tone hushed.
"Yes, I can." She replied sternly. "Sam, everybody knows it. Everybody except the two of you!" she finished in frustration. She had watched the pair dance around each other for years. She had always suspected it…and her suspicions were confirmed four years ago during that Zatarc testing.
She had watched them deny it and grow apart. She could see the way it was eating them up inside. She could see…but she couldn't do anything to help them.
"Janet." Sam frowned in warning.
"No, Sam. As a doctor and as your friend…I'm saying this isn't healthy for either one of you. It's been long enough. It's time you two decide what you're going to do about this."
I've still got your face…
Painted on my heart,
Painted on my heart,
Painted on my heart.
Sam took a deep breath and knocked on the door. This man had been her best friend for eight years…her rock. And here she was, literally shaking at the thought of having to talk to him.
"Come!" he called, sounding bored. She opened the door and gave him a small, nervous smile.
"Hi, sir." Sam said stepping into his office and closing the door quietly behind her.
"Carter!" he smiled genuinely. But she didn't miss the confusion that flashed in his eyes when he glanced at the closed door. "What brings you here? Blow something up?"
"No, sir."
"Find something cool?"
"No, sir."
"Discover something important?"
Sam almost laughed. He was being flippant and sarcastic and slightly mocking…yet he hit the nail on the head. "Yes, sir." She replied, looking down at her boots.
"Oh?" Jack said after a moment of silence. He waited for her to continue. When she didn't he half stood up. "Carter? Everything okay?"
Sam slowly met his concerned gaze. She could feel tears fighting to fill her eyes, but she wouldn't let them. She wouldn't cry. Not now. "No, sir. I don't think it is."
Now Jack was really worried. He stood up to his full height and came around the desk, stopping just shy of her. He wanted to reach out to her…to hold her until everything was okay. But the two feet of space between them had never felt so huge.
He held her eyes and saw the tears that were forming in them. Her blue eyes were bright and nearly translucent with them. "Carter?"
Something in your eyes keeps haunting me.
I'm trying to escape you,
And I know there ain't no way to,
To chase you from my mind.
"I broke off the engagement, sir." Sam said, her voice strong. She clasped her hands behind her back and gave him a meaningful look. "I couldn't do it."
"Couldn't do what?" Jack asked, surprised he managed to keep his voice emotionless and his face passive. The look she was giving him…damn if he didn't want to kiss her until it killed both of them.
"I couldn't keep pretending. I didn't love him, sir." Sam ducked her head and blinked rapidly, cursing herself for letting him do this to her. But, frankly…she wouldn't have it any other way. He was the best thing in her life.
"Yes, well…" Jack crossed his arms over his chest and gave her a calculating stare. "One who breaks off an engagement…usually has a reason to do so." He winced at his own words. He only started talking like that when he had nothing snippy to say.
"Yes sir." Sam met his eyes again. "See…I do have a very good reason why I couldn't…couldn't go through with it." She hedged, shifting nervously on her heels. He was too close…she couldn't breathe.
"And that would be…?" he prompted, his heart jumping into his throat. Was she saying what he thought she was saying? No…no. Of course she wasn't.
Was she?
I've still got your face,
Painted on my heart,
Scrawled upon my soul,
Etched upon my memory, baby.
"You." She answered bluntly. She looked away from him and tensed, waiting for him to tell her to get out of his office. Or to pick up that damned red phone and call in her court martial.
"Me." It was a statement, not a question. He frowned and tried to see where she was going with this. The obvious answer rang through his mind, but he refused to acknowledge it.
"Yes, sir. You." Sam bit her lip and decided to throw all caution to the wind. "You see, sir, I learned that you can't make yourself love someone…when you've been in love with someone else for a very long time."
"Oh?" he furrowed his brow. She was in love with someone else? Who? 'Do I know him?' he thought while simultaneously suppressing a jealous fury. But…why was she telling him this? Unless…?
"Yes, sir." Sam waited for him to realize what she was saying.
Waiting for any reaction at all.
"Carter…I…" he stopped when she nodded slightly at him, an odd glint in her eyes. "You…" he trailed off, at a loss for words for the first time in a long time.
"Look, sir…I don't mean to put this on you…and I know that you have a lot to think about…but--," She stopped when he pushed himself abruptly off the desk.
Without thinking, he closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms tightly around her, crashing his lips into hers. She tensed, but relaxed into him when she realized what was happening. Her arms tightened around his neck and she kissed him back with the same fervor and hunger he was displaying.
When the need for air became too much they broke apart, breathless. He leaned her forehead onto hers and tried to slow his heart rate. Sam seemed to be trying to do the same thing. She wrapped her arms even tighter around him and buried her face in his chest.
"I love you, Carter. I really, really do." He said into her neck, running his hand along her back. He felt the last bit of tension leave her body as she leaned completely against him.
"I love you too, sir. More than anything." Her hands clutched his BDU jacket and she smiled into his chest. "God, it's a relief to say that." She laughed softly.
He smiled against her skin and pulled back, grasping her shoulders and looking her in the eye. "Yes." His eyes roved over her face and settled on her eyes again. "It is."
And I've got your kiss,
Still burning on my lips,
The touch of your fingertips,
This love so deep inside of me, baby.
She smiled and blushed under his intense scrutiny. Reaching up, he hooked a finger under her chin. "Eight years, Carter…eight years."
"Mm-hm." Sam agreed softly, not trusting her voice to actually speak.
He smiled down at her. "That's a very long time."
She nodded, wondering where he was going with this. "I'm not a patient man, Carter."
She laughed. "No, sir."
"But you're worth it." His smile faded a little and his eyes held nothing but warmth and honesty.
"You are too, sir." Her eyes darkened with sincerity and she ducked her head into his chest again.
"No 'sirs.'" He said abruptly, pressing his lips against her neck.
She shivered. "No?"
"No." he confirmed.
"Then what do I call you?" she teased.
"One guess." He quipped softly.
"Okay, Jack." She smiled when his arms reflexively tightened around her.
"Carter or Sam?" he asked.
"Either one." She shrugged. She really didn't care…as long as he called her.
"Sam." He let her name roll off his tongue and she smiled as it rumbled it his chest. "Sam is a good name."
"When you say it like that…how could I argue?" she smiled and shivered again as his graceful fingers threaded through her hair.
He smiled again, but pulled back. "You're sure this is what you want?"
"Yes, Jack." She said automatically. His name still felt foreign on her tongue. Foreign…but good.
"Cause there's no going back." He pushed. He had to make sure that this was real.
"I know." She held his gaze and smiled softly.
"Good." He ran his thumb over her neck and collarbone almost absentmindedly. Pressing his lips to hers in a soft, deep kiss he briefly wondered how Daniel and Teal'c were going to react to this. Probably smugly. They'll be genuinely happy, but they'll be smug about it.
Sam sighed into his mouth, her breath tickling his lips. He smiled and pulled away, taking a step back. "I've got a call to make." He said, mischief glinting in his eyes.
"Oh?" she asked, raising an eyebrow and running a finger over her slightly swollen lips.
"From a certain red phone." He smiled again. Her hair was still mussed and she just looked too damn cute.
"Oh." Her tone grew serious as she remembered why they hadn't done this years ago. Regulations. "I almost forgot." 'Almost?' she silently chastised herself. 'Try completely.' She groaned inwardly and tried to argue that pesky little voice. 'What do you expect? He kissed me for cryin' out loud!' she almost laughed out loud when she realized that she had used his favorite phrase.
"I've definitely been spending too much time with you." She muttered.
He raised his eyebrows. "And here I was thinking that I don't get to spend nearly enough time with you." His voice was filled with mock hurt.
She grinned. "Too much time is a good thing."
"Hm." He crossed his arms and gave a small pout. She laughed as he pulled her towards him again.
He paused, looking deeply into her eyes. "I love you."
Sam blushed, but kept looking at him. "I know. I love you too."
He smiled and kissed her again before squeezing her once and letting go. Stepping around his desk he picked up the phone. She smiled encouragingly and prepared herself for what was coming. Either the president would understand and grant them permission…or she would be handing in her resignation today.
A knock at the door startled both of them and Sam looked around guiltily.
"Walter." Jack said in slightly annoyed voice. He replaced the phone on the desk and frowned at the sergeant.
"I'm sorry to interrupt." Walter said almost breathlessly, not looking sorry at all. "But I just wanted to tell you…" he took a deep breath, his eyes shining excitedly. "You both just won me a lot of money!"
The End
A/N: Sorry for the end. If it's really horrible, please tell me and I'll rewrite it. I couldn't decide if I should end it there. Please R&R!! No flames, though, please.
Oh, I didn't use the whole song either. I took out three verses at the end. They were just repeats of the chorus.
Song: "Painted On My Heart" by The Cult