Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.
Note: This is the original, stand alone, version of this story before I incorporated it into BEYOND THE STARS.
Precious Memories
Chakotay watched as Kathryn slept. He had spent many nights just watching her, listening to the soft rhythm of her breathing. For so many years he had loved her, but had never dared imagine that she would one day be his. Now that she was, he was almost afraid of going to sleep incase he woke up to find it was only a dream. He moved a strand of hair away from her face, careful not to wake her. There was such a contented smile on her face, such a complete look of peace. The doctor told him her health had improved significantly since marrying him, and he was glad she was at last sleeping full nights. Chakotay had laughed at that and told him not to spread the word, or it could cast aspersions on his manhood.
"Tuvok to Captain Janeway. Please come to the Bridge immediately."
The message went unheard by the sleeping Captain. Chakotay hated to wake her from this blissful sleep, but duty was calling, and when it did, he knew she would want to respond. He kissed her cheek. "Kathryn, my love, wake up."
She stirred awake beneath him just in time to hear Tuvok's second announcement.
"Tuvok to Captain Janeway. Please come to the Bridge as soon as possible."
Chakotay couldn't help chuckle. It was obvious the Vulcan was trying to be discrete, no doubt having been briefed by Tom Paris on why it might not be possible for her to immediately respond to his message.
Kathryn sat up. "Computer, what time is it?"
"01:07 hours."
Kathryn sighed. "It must be serious to wake me at this hour." She put her hand on Chakotay's shoulder. "You go back to sleep. I'll call you if I need you."
Still not quite awake, Kathryn walked over to Tuvok's station.
"Report."
"We've been hailed by the leader of a species called Andorak. He says he will destroy us if we continue to travel through their space."
"I thought this part of space belonged to no one."
"Well, the Andorak claim it as their own."
"Did he give a reason why we can't travel through?"
"No, Captain."
"Hail them."
Tuvok established a connection and the leader appeared on the view screen. "What do you want?"
"To discuss your refusal to let us travel through your space. We mean no harm. We are just trying to make our way home."
"Our space extends ten thousand light years in the direction you are heading. No species travels so far from their home. You are an enemy intent on destroying us."
Kathryn stepped closer to the view screen. "I assure you that is not the case. Our home is in the Alpha Quadrant. We were drawn into this quadrant by an entity called the Caretaker. We have been travelling for seven years, but still have a long way to go. Travelling through your space would save us many years."
"This is not open for discussion, Captain. Either you leave our space or we destroy your ship."
"But if we didn't know we were in your space, how will we know we have left it?"
"I will transmit a chart of our boundary."
"Let us discuss this civilly. In return for safe passage we can..."
But the transmission ended abruptly.
Kathryn wiped her brow in frustration. She could not risk a confrontation with this hostile species. From their appearance, they were very advanced and could easily destroy one alone ship. But she had no idea how vast an area of space they controlled, or how long it would take them to circumvent their territory. It could take decades."
"I have received the chart, Captain."
Kathryn turned slowly to Harry. "Then set a course out of their space."
"Yes, Ma'am."
"And summon Seven. We'll have to plot another course home."
Harry's face betrayed his concern. "What is it, Mr Kim?"
"A quick glance at this chart tells me that if we circumvent their space, it will add 20,000 light years to our journey."
Chakotay was still awake when Kathryn returned to their quarters. He heard her come in and waited for her to return to bed. When she did not, he got out of bed, put on his night robe, and went through into the other room. Kathryn was standing before the window, gazing out at the stars flying by at warp speed. He went over to her. "What has happened?"
She did not turn to look at him, but kept her eyes firmly on the stars. "We are back to where we started from, a lifetime away from Earth."
He swallowed nervously. "What do you mean?"
"This area of space... It belongs to the Andorak. They won't let us pass, and it's too dangerous to try. We must circumvent. But to do so adds 20,000 light years to our journey."
Tears welled in Chakotay's eyes. But they were for her, not for him. He didn't really care if they got back to Earth or not. He was happier on Voyager than he had ever been in his entire life. But he knew how much she wanted to get her crew home, return them to the loving arms of husbands, wives, children and families, and how much she longed to see her own family again. He tried to draw her close, but she pushed him away. "I should be with Seven, seeing if there's possibly a way we can lose a few light years."
He seized her arm gently, preventing her from leaving. "It can wait until morning. A few hours is not going to make any difference. You need to sleep."
"I'm alright."
"But you won't be if you exhaust yourself, and where will the crew be then?" He touched her face. "It can wait until morning, Kathryn."
He was right, a few hours wouldn't make any difference, and an exhausted captain was no good to anyone. She looked up at him, her eyes heavy with unshed tears.
"I just want to get this crew home."
He put his arms around her and this time she did not resist. "I know," he whispered. "And we will. We have travelled over thirty thousand light years in only a fraction of the time we thought it would take us. We'll make the same advances again. We will get home, Kathryn."
She smiled warmly and gazed deep into his eyes. "I love you."
His fingers brushed her cheek. "I love you too. More than I ever thought it was possible one person could love and need another."
Kathryn's delicate fingers worked busily on her console, trying to process a vital piece of information. Chakotay joined her on the Bridge and planted a loving kiss on her neck before taking his seat beside her. Kathryn glared at him. He knew he was not supposed to be intimate with her while they were on duty, certainly not when they were on the Bridge. He smiled at her warmly. "A temporary lapse."
She shook her head, smiling inspite of herself.
"Captain..."
"Yes, Tuvok."
"Ships are surrounding us, fifty in all."
Kathryn's stomach flipped. "On Screen."
An Armada of giant silver vessels stretched out before them. Kathryn stood up, her heart pounding.
"They are Andorak, Captain."
"Hail them," she said, trying not to show the anxiety she felt.
"They are not responding. They are firing weapons."
The ship shook as it was struck and Kathryn was thrown to the floor. She struggled back into her seat.
"Try again, Tuvok. Keep hailing them until they respond."
"We should fire in return, Captain."
"No. We are no match for them. If we fire back, they may destroy us instantly. We..."
The ship span suddenly and she was hurled from her seat. She cried out in agony as her body slammed against cold metal.
Then all was black.
Voices sounded far away... they were getting louder, lights brighter...
Kathryn stirred, but every movement convulsed her body with excruciating pain.
"Be still, Captain. You have been damaged."
Seven.
"I'm alright," she whispered, and vaguely aware that she was still on the Bridge, reached out to grab the edge of her chair to try and raise herself.
"Quite the contrary, Captain. You have multiple fractures and internal injuries. Be still."
The heavy mist began to clear from Kathryn's eyes and she could make sense of her surroundings. Her heart stopped at the first sight to greet her. Chakotay was lying lifelessly on the floor beside her, blood running down his face.
"No," she cried, dragging her body over to his. "No, Chakotay..."
Her tears mingled with her own blood as she frantically fumbled for his pulse. It took a moment, but she found it, soft and steady.
"Captain, the leading Andorak vessel is hailing us."
She tried to turn her body to face the screen, but her body was not co-operating. "Help me, Seven," she cried, "lift me up."
"Captain, you have been damaged, you need..."
"Just help me, Seven!"
Seven reluctantly helped Kathryn to sit back against the foot of her chair just in time to receive the transmission.
"We warned you, Captain. Leave our space or we destroy you."
"We are leaving your space," she cried in angry desperation. "Can't you see that we are leaving your space?"
"Not fast enough".
"We're travelling as fast as we can. We don't have your technology, we..."
A flash of light, then he was gone. All was still. Silent.
"What the... Mr Kim, report."
"We...We have new bearings, Captain. According to these sensors, we've just travelled over 20,000 light years. We've circumvented Andorak space..."
Kathryn inhaled sharply. What was going on? What the hell was going on?
She felt Seven's hand on her arm. "You are damaged, Captain. We must get you to sick bay."
"Chakotay first and any other injured crew. I must find out what's going on..."
"Captain..."
"Just do it!"
"Yes, Captain."
Sweat poured down Kathryn's face as she tried to fight the agonising pain that consumed every part of her body. Both her legs were broken, of that she was sure, and every other bone in her body screamed in torment too.
"Try to get a precise bearing of our location, Mr Kim," she said, forcing herself to focus... "and our distance from the Alpha Quadrant."
"I think you will find you are precisely 30,000 light years away."
Kathryn gasped at that familiar voice. "Q."
He knelt beside her. "I couldn't leave you to be destroyed by that most ungracious species, now could I? No, no, no. Call it a helping hand from a friend."
Kathryn turned her head towards him and smiled weakly. "I never thought I would have occasion to be grateful to you."
"Now, now, Kathy, that's most uncharitable," he smiled.
An excruciating pain tore across her chest and she clutched it, murmuring in agony. Q's eyes darkened at her suffering and he clicked his fingers, instantly restoring her to health.
"Now, Kathy, I must be going. Much to do, so little time, even for an immortal..."
Kathryn opened her mouth to speak, but he was gone.
She stood up, glad to feel whole again, and approached Tuvok. "How many crew injured?"
"Thirty, Captain, but no fatalities."
She sighed in relief. "And the ship?"
"Extensive damage on the starboard side, but a day or two of repairs should be sufficient to restore perfect condition."
She turned to Harry. "And our location, Mr Kim?"
"Just as Q said, 30,000 light years from the Alpha Quadrant."
5,000 light years closer than they had been before entering Andorak space. Q, she took back all she had ever said against him!
Kathryn expected Chakotay to be making jokes with the Doctor when she walked into sick-bay, but it was a completely different scenario that she walked into. She was stopped by the Doctor almost before she had even set foot in the room.
"I'm glad you are here at last, Captain."
The look on his face struck her heart with an anxiety that made her reply sharper than she had intended. "Why, is there a problem?"
"Yes. It's Commander Chakotay..."
"What of him?"
"He...he has suffered severe head injuries. I have repaired all the damage that I can, but he has not responded to treatment and.."
Kathryn could hardly breathe from fear... "He's not dead? Please tell me he's not dead..."
The Doctor put his hand on her shoulder. "No, Captain. But he's in a coma and I can't tell you what the chances are of him coming out of it. Even if he does, he may well have permanent brain damage."
A Week Later
Kathryn sat next to Chakotay's bed, holding his hand in hers. She gazed at him, not taking her eyes off his face for a moment. He had been unconscious for days and each day that passed made it more unlikely that he would ever wake up. Kathryn kissed his hand and then put it to her cheek which was wet with tears.
"I love you so much, Chakotay," she whispered. "Please don't leave me. You promised me you would never leave me..."
She felt a kind hand on her shoulder.
"You should get some rest, Captain."
"I'm fine, Doctor," she said, wiping away her tears.
"You've been at the Commander's bedside almost around the clock since the incident. You need to rest. I'll contact you if there is any change."
"I'm alright, Doctor."
One of the monitors attached to Chakotay began to bleep. Kathryn turned to it anxiously. "What's happening?"
The Doctor hurried over to the monitor. "He's regaining consciousness."
Kathryn turned back to Chakotay and squeezed his hand in happy anticipation. His precious eyes fluttered open and Kathryn smiled through tears. "Welcome back."
His eyes moved from her face to his surroundings and his breathing quickened. "Where am I?"
"You're in sick bay," Kathryn replied. "You were injured on the Bridge."
He withdrew his hand from hers, his anxiety increasing by the second. "Who are you?"
Kathryn swallowed nervously. "You know who I am, Chakotay..."
Chakotay sat up. "Why am I here, and where is my crew?"
Kathryn shared a concerned glance with the Doctor, who then went over to his patient.
"Relax, Commander, all is..."
"Starfleet," Chakotay cried when he saw the Doctor's uniform. "I should have known Starfleet would be behind it all. What was that wave? Some kind of illusion so you could trap us?"
"You are suffering..."
"Tell me where I am and what you have done with my people!"
"You are onboard the USS Voyager," the Doctor said calmly.
"Janeway," Chakotay cried. "I should have known that bitch would use trickery to trap us."
Kathryn simply stared at Chakotay. This could not be happening. It had to be a dream, a terrible nightmare. She once again felt the Doctor's hand on her shoulder. "I think you should wait outside, Captain."
Chakotay turned his attention from the Doctor to Kathryn. "Captain. So you're Captain Janeway. Not much to you, is there? I would have expected more of Starfleet's "secret weapon" against the Maquis." He suddenly seized her by the shoulders. "Tell me what you've done with my people."
Kathryn could not speak, could hardly think...
"Commander, please," the Doctor said fearfully.
"I said tell me what you've done with my crew!"
The Doctor stepped closer to restrain him, but in an instant Chakotay was off the bed and holding Kathryn hostage. He reached for her phazer and pointed it at her stomach. "If you don't release my people and my ship, I will kill your Captain."
"Commander, if you will only let us explain..."
He poked the phazer deeper into Kathryn's stomach. "I said release my people and my ship. Is that understood?"
"I...I...Yes, Commander," the Doctor mumbled, racking his holographic brains to think what to do. There was only one thing he could think of. "Doctor to B'Elanna Torres. Please come to sickbay immediately."
Kathryn tried to move in Chakotay's grasp, but every move she made only forced him to hold her tighter. "I'm not your enemy," she said, desperately trying not to cry. "Please let me go, Chakotay. You're hurting me."
"Not until you've released my crew."
"There is no crew to release. You've been wounded, lost your memory... Much has happened since what you can remember..."
But her words achieved nothing. He was not going to listen. It was all real to him. He really believed she was responsible for the phenomenon that had brought them to the Delta Quadant and that she was holding him and his crew captive.
B'Elanna came in and stared in confusion at the scene before her. "What's going on?"
The Doctor approached her and tried to whisper discretely. "The Commander is suffering from Amnesia. He thinks..."
He was interrupted by Chakotay who was staring in disbelief at B'Elanna. "What the hell are you doing in that uniform?"
B'Elanna slowly approached him. "I'm a member of this crew now, Chief Engineer. And you're the First Officer, husband of the Captain."
Chakotay stepped away from her, drawing Kathryn back with him. "She is not B'Elanna Torres. She's a hologram, an illusion."
"No, Chakotay, I swear. If you will only listen..."
"This is a trick, an attempt to deceive me so I release the Captain. Well it won't work. Either you release my crew and my ship, or I kill your precious Captain."
"This is no trick, Chakotay. We're in the Delta Quadrant after being drawn here by the Caretaker. Our ship was destroyed in a battle with the Kazon and we all now serve aboard Voyager as we try to make our way home. We've been travelling for almost seven years..."
"I don't believe a word of it."
"Then look at me, Chakotay. I'm pregnant. I sure as hell wasn't pregnant seven years ago. And look at the monitors. Look at the date. It's 2378, not 2371."
"If you're a hologram, you could appear to have two heads! And dates can be altered, part of the illusion. How do I know this isn't the holodeck? Voyager has holodecks, does it not?"
B'Elanna gazed at Kathryn helplessly, tears in her eyes. Kathryn struggled to breathe. The pressure against her throat was unbearable now, and a million emotions were raging through her mind... She leant back against him, taking deep breaths, forcing herself to think, forcing herself to be the Captain. He would not hurt her, of that she was certain. She knew him, knew him better than she had ever known anyone. He would rather die himself than take another life unnecessarily.
"If you know of me, Chakotay," she cried, "you'll know that I can't be bribed or threatened. I can't release your crew because everything B'Elanna has told you is true. And even if it weren't, even if it were 2371 and I your enemy, I would not give in to you. You would have to kill me. So kill me, Chakotay, because I can't give you what you ask."
She saw the terrified look on the faces of B'Elanna and the Doctor as Chakotay clutched her even tighter for a moment. She cried out at the crushing pain as his arm tightened around her neck, but as soon as her cry escaped her lips, he released her as though she was suddenly hot to the touch. She fell against the bed, recovering her breath. Chakotay glanced at B'Elanna, the Doctor, and then Kathryn, and it was obvious that he was confused and terrified.
The Doctor approached him. "All is as B'Elanna tells you, Commander. You were injured on the Bridge and have suffered memory loss."
Frightened tears welled in his eyes. He didn't believe for a moment what they were telling him, but he was outnumbered and if he continued to defy them, they would sedate him, or worse, kill him.
"I think a tour of the ship might help convince you, Commander," the Doctor continued. "It might even help jog your memory." He turned to Kathryn. "Captain, I believe it would be best for you to accompany him."
Kathryn hesitated, but then nodded.
"And B'Elanna," Chakotay added. Even if she was not the real B'Elanna, and she certainly didn't look like she did the last time he had seen her, it was at least comforting to have a familiar figure around.
Chakotay looked around the Bridge. Nothing was in the least familiar.
"This is where you sit," B'Elanna said, pointing to his chair. "The Captain sits next to you."
"As I would expect if we are supposed to be Captain and Officer," he said coldly. "I have been on Starfleet vessels before. The real B'Elanna Torres would..." He stopped when he saw Tom Paris walking towards him.
Tom smiled in his usual jocular way. "How is the head?"
"Tom Paris, you God damn traitor! What are you doing here?"
Tom looked at him in confusion. "Commander?"
Chakotay saw Tuvok directly behind him. "And Tuvok! Well, Mr Vulcan, I had my doubts about you. I was suspicious the moment you asked to join my crew, but I figured it was better to face the devil than to run for him. I knew Janeway intended to infiltrate the Maquis and I was prepared." He turned to B'Elanna. "But you, B'Elanna. I would never have taken you for a traitor. I thought you were one of us!" He then turned again to Kathryn. "Tell me what you've done with my crew!"
"Look around you, Chakotay," B'Elanna interrupted. "You'll see your crew. They're part of this crew now."
Chakotay looked around. Sure enough, there were several members of his crew busy working. But still he could not bring himself to believe what he was hearing. He did not want to believe it. "You've been coerced or threatened. Damn it! What did she offer you? Your lives and freedom in return for details on the Maquis? Are you all so easily broken!"
Kathryn suddenly felt faint and had to grip the console before her to support herself. She couldn't take much more of this. The Doctor put his arm around her.
"Retire to your quarters, Captain. That's an order."
Kathryn nodded, desperately trying to hold back her tears, and without a word left the Bridge. Chakotay watched her leave and then turned back to B'Elanna. "Now she's gone, tell me the truth."
"We've told you the truth, Chakotay," she replied. "If you can't believe it, then for everyone's sake, and especially for the Captain's, at least try and keep an open mind."
Kathryn gazed tearfully at the photograph in her hand. She could remember the moment it was taken vividly. It was just after they had taken their marriage vows before the entire crew in the Mess Hall. A captain could not very well marry herself, so a temporary screen was set up in the Mess Hall so a registrar back on Earth could marry them. Kathryn had worried for days that something would go wrong, that they would lose the connection just as they were about to complete their vows, but everything went according to plan. Her closest family and friends were able to share in the wedding, and her mother had cried through the whole ceremony. No one at Starfleet Command objected to the marriage. It could still be years before the ship reached the Federation and Kathryn's personal well being was just as important to her superiors as her professional capacity. Kathryn's tear splashed onto the glass frame as she remembered the way Chakotay had held her hands in his, and had squeezed them every now and then in reassurance as they repeated their promises to one another. Then they had exchanged rings and sealed their union with a kiss. That moment was captured forever in the picture and in her heart.
The Door chime sounded.
Kathryn put down the picture and wiped away her tears. "Come in."
It was the Doctor. Kathryn stood up.
"Please sit, Captain," he said kindly.
Kathryn did not have the energy to argue so sat again. He walked over to her and gestured to sit himself. "May I?"
"Of course, Doctor."
He sat down and braced himself for the news he had to give.
"The Commander's condition is serious," he began. "I have not been able to do all the tests I need to as the Commander is most reluctant to comply and I don't want to add to his distress, but the tests I have done indicate that his condition is most likely permanent."
Kathryn stood up, visibly trembling. "But there must be something we can do."
"Nothing, except continue to try and stimulate his memory. I won't pretend it's likely to have any effect, but I can't say with certainty that it won't."
Kathryn buried her face in her hands, struggling to hold back the tears.
"The first hurdle is going to get him to accept his condition. He believes wholeheartedly that we are keeping him and his crew hostage, and given his circumstances, it's a reasonable assumption. The last thing he remembers is the wave intercepting his ship."
Kathryn walked over to the window and gazed out.
"He is going to need all your love and support to get through this, Captain."
Kathryn wiped away a stubborn tear. "What good is my love to him when he thinks me an enemy?"
The Doctor stood up and went over to her. "Because all this is very frightening for him. It may be less frightening when he has accepted his condition, but terrifying none the less. He has lost seven years of his existence, seven years that have changed his life considerably. He will feel displaced and very alone. But knowing that he is loved will help him more than anything else."
Kathryn turned to him. "But what if he doesn't want my love? What if it frightens him more than it comforts him?"
"He will want it, Captain. Believe me, he will want it."
"You've sure done a great job of trying to convince me this little illusion is real," Chakotay said, looking around Kathryn's quarters and seeing Indian relics scattered here and there, suggesting he shared the room with her. "But I have to tell you, I'm not convinced yet."
Kathryn stepped closer to him. "What will convince you?"
"Nothing. I know the truth."
"Which is that I am keeping you captive?"
"Yes."
"So why am I in here alone with you? You threatened to kill me in sickbay earlier today. If we were enemies, do you really think I would risk my life by being alone with you like this? Look at me, Chakotay. I am unarmed, I have no way of defending myself against you."
"And if it was true, that I am suffering from Amnesia, wouldn't you be protecting yourself from me? You were on a mission to capture me, after all."
"I know I have no reason to protect myself from you. I know you would never hurt me, whether you are the Chakotay of now or seven years ago."
She looked deep into his eyes and the warmth he saw there momentarily made him flinch. He looked away. "You are contained in a forcefield or are some kind of hologram. You know you are protected."
Kathryn drew close to him and put her hand on his shoulder to show that there was no barrier between them.
"There is no forcefield, and I am no hologram. We are unable to project holograms into this part of the ship. The Doctor comes here only by his holo emitor."
Chakotay lowered his head and she could feel him tremble violently. She stroked his arm in a comforting gesture. "Everything you have been told is true. The wave you think I caused was generated by a species we know only as the Caretaker. He drew you and your crew into the Delta Quadrant, and he drew us too when we went to the Badlands in search of your vessel. I destroyed his array to save an alien civilisation called the Ocampa, but that action stranded us here in the Delta Quadrant as the array was the only certain way home. Our two crews united and for seven years we've been trying to make our way back to the Alpha Quadrant. So much has happened in that time. You and I have married, and I love you very much."
Chakotay's shoulders quivered and she could tell he wanted to cry. He looked up at her, his eyes wet with unshed tears. "This is a cruel game, Captain. Please don't do this to me."
Kathryn took his hands in hers and held them tight. "I promise you, Chakotay, that I'm telling the truth."
A tear ran down his cheek and he broke away from her. "How am I supposed to believe it? How am I supposed to believe that Starfleet and Maquis marry?"
"Because it's the truth." Kathryn picked up their wedding photo. "Take a look at this."
She held it out to him. Hesitantly he took it. He gazed at it a long time before speaking. "It's an illusion."
"No. It's real. Absolutely real."
Another frightened tear ran down his cheek. "If it's real, then kiss me now like you're kissing me there."
Kathryn stepped close to him and took the picture from his hand. She put it down on the table next to her and then slipped her arms around his neck. She closed her eyes and kissed him softly. He murmured and then lightly pushed her away. He stared at her, his tears falling steadily and his breath uneven. No one had ever kissed him like that. No one had ever looked at him the way she looked at him. "It can't be true," he whispered. "It can't..."
"I know you're frightened, Chakotay, and I know I am a stranger to you. But I love you and I'm here for you. Don't be afraid. Just trust me, just believe me."
He looked into her eyes and something stirred deep inside, something compelling him to trust her. "I believe you," he whispered. "I believe you."
Chakotay lay still in the bed he was told he shared with his wife. He watched Kathryn move about the room as she got ready for bed. He found himself captivated by her. She was stunningly beautiful, with pale skin and bright copper hair, and her eccentricity highly amused him. She was so methodical in everything she did, the perfect scientist. At last she stopped moving around the room. She stood before the bed and glanced at him before taking off her dressing gown. He momentarily looked away, but found himself drawn to her again. Almost uncomfortably, she took off the dressing gown and lay it on the chair beside the bed. She wore a low cut blue satin nightdress with only thin shoulder straps. Chakotay caught his breath at the beauty of her body. Kathryn got in the bed and sat beside him. She reached for her cup on her bedside table and took a drink.
"Decaffinated coffee," she smiled. "So long as I have the taste, anything will do."
"I take it then you like, coffee?"
"Oh yes."
She picked up a chocolate cookie and handed the plate to him. "Would you like one?"
"No, thank you."
"No cookie? You love these things."
"I'm alright, really, Captain."
Kathryn put the plate back on the table. "Let's establish some ground rules here. When we're alone, you call me Kathryn, alright?"
"Yes, Capt..." He smiled apologetically. "Kathryn."
His smile did not convince her. She could tell he was distinctively uneasy in her company.
"We don't have to share, Chakotay," she said kindly. "If it would be easier for you, I'll arrange for you to have your old quarters back."
"There's no need for that," he said quietly. "I'm your husband and belong at your side."
"But it wasn't you who married me, it was...your future self. You don't have to feel obliged to do anything."
"My people take marriage very seriously, Capt...Kathryn. Whether I remember marrying you or not, I am your husband and have obligations towards you."
His words unintentionally hurt her and she turned away.
He was too perceptive to miss her pain. "I've said something wrong."
"No, Chakotay," she said softly. "Just to me, a husband... or rather a wife, is a friend, a lover, not an obligation."
"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I never meant..."
"I know," she said, wiping her tear away. "It's not your fault."
"Perhaps it would be easier for you if I slept somewhere else."
"No, I...I want you here." She looked up at him. "Just be yourself with me, Chakotay. I know you for what you are and I love you for what you are."
He smiled warmly, but her words were not the comfort he knew she intended. It was disturbing to think a stranger could know him so intimately.
"May I ask you something?"
"Anything, Chakotay."
"How did you and I...How did we fall in love?"
Kathryn had to smile at that. "For years I asked myself that question. I wanted the answer so that what ever it was that was causing me to feel what I did for you, I could discover it and put an end to it. Captain of an alone ship in the Delta Quadrant, thousands of light years from home, falling in love with anyone was the last thing I wanted." She paused. "I suppose we fell in love because we have so much in common and we share the same ideas and values. We both love space exploration and archaeology and very quickly felt at ease in each others company. But our relationship was very difficult at times too. We were both reluctant to compromise the command structure by having a personal relationship, me more than you. I was scared, you see, and..." She stopped, close to tears, and changed the subject. "I think I'd better brush my teeth." Without looking at Chakotay she got out of bed and made her way to the bathroom.
She was a long time in the bathroom. Too long, Chakotay thought. It didn't take half an hour to brush your teeth. From the look on her face just before she left, it wasn't hard to guess what she was doing there either. Sure enough, when she eventually returned, her eyes were red and puffy. Her pain knifed his heart, even if she was a stranger to him. She must have seen his pity reflected in his eyes because she looked away from them.
"There was a short circuit...the water conduit..."
She obviously didn't want him to know that she had been crying. He nodded, going along with it. Kathryn walked over to the bed and climbed inside. Chakotay noticed that she was trembling slightly as she turned towards him.
"I would like...I would like to sleep now," she said quietly.
"So would I," he whispered.
Kathryn gave a dazed nod and then lay down. She pulled the covers tight around herself, almost as though protecting herself.
"Computer, dim lights," she said in a voice that was just audible.
Immediately the lights faded and only starlight filled the room. Chakotay lay down too. He lay on his back, slightly turned towards Kathryn, and gazed at her silhoutte form. Only hours ago in his perception of reality this woman had been his enemy. But now it was not hostility he felt towards her, only a strange and inexplicable desire to protect.
Kathryn rubbed her tired eyes as she waited for the silver doors leading to her quarters to open. They opened and she stepped in. A delicious smell of cooking greeted her, and her table was all set for a meal. Chakotay was pouring her a glass of wine. For a moment it seemed like old times. Chakotay often had a meal waiting for her when she finished her shift. But when he looked up at her, it was impossible to forget. Oh, he looked at her kindly, smiled his beautiful smile, but there was no love in his eyes.
"I thought you would be hungry."
"That was very thoughtful of you."
Kathryn went over to the table and he pulled out her chair for her to sit down. She did so with a thankful nod. "What have you made us?"
"Pachebri. It's one of..."
"Your favourites. Mine too."
He seemed disappointed. "Of course. I've probably made it for you lots of times."
"Not enough times."
She began to scoop the pasta based meal from the dish, and then helped herself to some vegetables. Chakotay stood, watching her.
"Well, Chakotay, join me."
He nodded and then sat opposite her. "Forgive me, Kathryn. All this is still so new to me."
"I understand."
Chakotay began to eat and they ate for a long time in silence, smiling at each other awkwardly every now and then. Kathryn ate fast as she was starving.
"You have a healthy appetite," Chakotay commented.
Kathryn laughed. "Not always. The Doctor's always reprimanding me for not eating enough, or rather for eating too irregularly. It's strange. I'm so regimented when it comes to my duties, but when it come to eating, sleeping, I've never got into a routine. I've started to lately since..." She paused in mid-sentence. "I could do with some more wine."
Chakotay poured her some and then turned back to his food.
"How did you and I get together? B'Elanna says we loved each other years before we did."
Kathryn put down her wine and was silent a moment. Then she looked up at him. "We went on an away mission together. We were exploring a planet together but a fierce storm erupted all of a sudden. We couldn't make contact with Voyager, so we took shelter in the ruins of a stone building. The temperature fell to only a few degrees above freezing and we tried to preserve body heat by huddling together. But it kept getting colder and colder and I could hardly feel my body. All I wanted to do was sleep, but you wouldn't let me. You kept talking to me, made me talk to you. We talked of all the things we had done in the Delta Quadrant, and then..." she paused, "of our time on New Earth...We had never talked of it. It lay between us unspoken. But I had to speak of it. I had to let you know that I loved you too, that I had always loved you, but that I had been afraid."
"What were you afraid of?"
"I don't know exactly. So many things. I was afraid because of our positions, because of the dangers, because I didn't know if I could face loving you only to lose you..." She paused. "You asked me what I was afraid of. But I couldn't talk anymore, couldn't breathe...I drifted in and out of consciousness until the storm abated and the crew were able to transport us back to the ship. We were treated by the doctor and put off duty for a couple of days. Just like after New Earth, I tried to reassume our old relationship, pretend that nothing had happened between us, but you weren't going to have that this time. You said you wouldn't be brushed aside again knowing how I really felt about you. We argued and everything came to ahead...my past, my fears... I'd never told you about Justin. He was my fiance and was killed in a horrific accident twenty years ago." Tears welled in her eyes. "You were wonderful about it and you made me realise that I couldn't live the rest of my life fearing the future. We started a relationship and not long afterwards got married." She paused. "It was the best time of my life." A tear ran down her cheek. "We had a weekend honeymoon on the holodeck. The crew insisted. We had a beautiful house overlook a beautiful sandy beach. We were so happy."
"We will be happy again," Chakotay said softly.
"Perhaps," she said quietly. "But you may never feel for me what you once did. We have to face that possibility."
"If I fell in love with you once, Kathryn, I will again." He smiled softly. "Perhaps what we need is a date...a 'getting to know you' session."
Kathryn sat back against her chair and thought about this a moment. A date. She and Chakotay had never been on a date in the traditional sense. They had never needed too. They already loved and trusted each other, and knew almost everything there was to know about the other.
"I suppose it's worth a try," Kathryn said cautiously. "We can reserve some holodeck time. A sail on Lake George. We did that often."
"I think what we need is somewhere neither of us have been before, something we can explore together."
"Alright...What about a trip to the mountains? We always planned on doing that. I shouldn't really take vacation while we're in the Delta Quadrant, but we should be clear of this nebula in two weeks, and if all is well, I can take a day or two then. We could stay in a log cabin, go on a boating trip."
Chakotay smiled. "Sounds good to me."
So far the "date" had been a success. They had spent the morning walking in the mountains, the afternoon taking a boating ride down the river, and the evening was going well with a picnic before an open fire. The remains of food lay scattered on the plates, and Kathryn lay on the blanket looking up at the stars.
"Even after all this time in space, I never get tired of looking at the stars."
Chakotay lay beside her. "I never have either." He turned to look at her slightly. "Did you always want to be a Starfleet Officer?"
"I suppose I did. My father was an Admiral, and Starfleet had always been a part of my life. I never thought about doing anything else."
"Tell me about your father."
"Not a lot to tell, really. He was a great Admiral and he was involved with designing shuttles. I didn't know him very well. He was always away from home." She paused. "Hewas killed in the same accident that killed my fiancé."
"I'm sorry," he said. "It must have been devastating."
"It was. For so long I resented the fact that I survived."
Chakotay sat up and looked at her. "You were in the accident?"
Kathryn sat up too and wrapped her arms protectively around herself. "Yes." She paused. "But I'd rather not talk about it. I mean, not now."
"I understand," he replied.
She put her hand to her neck and rubbed at the stiffness. Chakotay noticed and gestured. "Let me..."
Kathryn lowered her hand in unspoken consent and Chakotay sat behind her.
"My mother used to get sore necks all the time," he said, putting his hands on her shoulders. "I was the only one she trusted not to make it worse."
Tears welled in Kathryn's eyes as the familiar words awoke in her yet another memory. Chakotay felt her muscles tighten harder than iron beneath his fingers. He drew his hands away.
"Don't stop," Kathryn whispered. "Please."
He began to massage her again and slowly he felt her muscles soften. She leant her head back, closed her eyes.
All too soon he drew away, his task done. Kathryn felt the loss of their physical connection profoundly and he sensed her pain. He stood up.
"Computer, music. Moonlight Sonata."
The soothing music began to play and Chakotay held out his hand to Kathryn. "Dance with me."
Kathryn hesitated but then took his hand and stood up. She drew close to him and he drew her into his arms. She lay her head on his shoulder and they swayed softly to the music. After a while, Kathryn raised her head and rested her cheek against his. She was in the arms of the man she loved and she allowed herself to forget all that had happened. She kissed his cheek softly, worked her way to his lips, and then kissed him tenderly. He responded, and she slipped her arms around his neck as the kiss deepened.
Kathryn smiled as they drew away, but saw only pain on Chakotay's face. He touched her cheek softly, not sure what he should say, do. He cared for her, he cared for her very much, and if this had been truly a first date, then he would have kissed her again. But their feelings and experience of each other were not matched, and it seemed cruel to only care when she loved.
"I think we should clear up," he said uncomfortably.
Tears welled in Kathryn's eyes but she drew away from him, mustering all the strength she could to not let her pain show. "Good idea."
She turned to the fire. "I'll take the... Oh, what the hell. Computer, delete fire and all surrounding objects."
Instantly they all disappeared. Chakotay smiled. "That's one way of doing it." He then fell serious. "Kathryn, I...I think we should sleep separately tonight."
Kathryn closed her eyes, forcing back the tears. "Is that what you want?"
"Yes."
"Then I'll return to my quarters." She looked up at him and forced a smile. "I'll leave you to this haven."
She turned away, about to head for the door.
"No..." Chakotay cried, "Don't go." The desperation in those words caught even him by surprise.
Kathryn turned to him slowly and there was nothing but pain and confusion in her eyes.
"It isn't what I want," Chakotay whispered.
Kathryn bridged the gap between them. "Are you sure?"
He nodded. "I'm sure." Tearfully he reached out and touched her hair. "Your hair...it used to be longer..."
Kathryn could hardly breathe at those words.
"You would wear it swept back from your face..."
"Yes, Chakotay," she whispered. "Yes, that's right."
He gazed deep into her eyes. "I can see you...You're wearing something blue, a blue dress...You're standing close to me...I feel..."
"What do you feel?"
Tears welled in his eyes and his voice was quiet. "I don't know...I don't know..."
Kathryn took his hand in hers. "Do you remember anything else?"
He shook his head sadly.
Kathryn's eyes dulled with disappointment but she tried to disguise it with a smile. "But it's a start, Chakotay," she said, "it's a start."
A Month Later
Kathryn woke with a start. She was breathing heavily and was drenched in her own sweat. Chakotay sat up.
"Are you alright, Kathryn?"
She nodded. "Yes, I...Yes, I'm fine."
She lay down again and closed her eyes, desperately trying to shut out visions that haunted her mind.
"Would you like me to hold you?"
Kathryn opened her eyes and for a moment was silent. She wanted him to hold her desperately, but she was afraid of the vulnerability of her emotions. She had to be strong for him. He didn't need her pain. But then the Doctor had said she needed to learn to take from him too, to let him share in setting the pace of their relationship...
"Yes," she whispered. "I would like that."
He drew close to her and she felt his body against her back, felt his arm around her waist as he drew her into his arms. She leant back against him and entwined her arms with his. He caressed her softly, a gentle touch lulling her back to sleep. She closed her eyes, but all that came were tears. Chakotay heard her soft sobs, felt her body tremble.
"I'm sorry," she said, trying to escape his arms..."I'm so sorry..."
He held her firmly, not letting her go. "It's alright to cry, Kathryn. You need to cry. Just let me be here for you, let me hold you."
She turned to him slowly, and he gathered her against his chest. She wept softly in his arms, wept long. Just like so many times since the incident, he felt a stirring of emotions deep inside, enotions he couldn't explain or understand. Until now. He loved her. He could not doubt that anymore. Whether he had fallen in love with her again, or whether a part of him still carried the love he had once carried for her, he did not know. All he knew was that he loved her.
He gently caressed her arm. It was a soft, sensual, touch. As he touched her, Kathryn's tears softly ebbed. She lay still against him and he heard her intake of breath. He moved his hand to her body now and sensually caressed her from hip to breast. Kathryn stirred and raised herself to look at him. Chakotay touched her face, ran his hand down over her neck to her chest and back again. She looked beautiful in the starlight, breathtaking. Her hand found his body now and he gasped as she ran her hand over his chest. The current between them was powerful, magnetic. He had never felt anything like it before. She leant forward and kissed his mouth, searching deeply. He responded and rolled on top of her, deepening the kiss further. He then began to kiss her neck, her chest, and felt her body arch beneath him with longing. He kissed her body through the thin layer of silk neglige and then worked his way back to her lips. As he did so, he tasted her tears. Her lips broke away from his and she cried out breathlessly
"No...please..."
Instantly Chakotay drew away from her. She was weeping softly, painfully.
"I'm sorry," he said tearfully. "I thought it was what you wanted..."
"I do, I...Just not like this...I don't want your pity..."
Chakotay reached up and touched her face. "I love you, Kathryn. I know it now that I love you. I don't know how, or why, or what it means, but I know that I love you..."
Kathryn turned to him slowly. "You really love me?"
He gazed deep into her eyes. "More than anything."
A smiled graced her features and she reached up to touch his face. She traced the course of his tattoo and whispered softly. "I love you too, Chakotay. I love you so much."
He took her hand and kissed it a single tear ran down her cheek.
"Say it again," she whispered, "say that you love me."
"I love you, Kathryn," he said softly, "I love you."
He then leant forward and kissed her again.
Ten Years Later
Kathryn lit a candle and placed it on the dressing table before her. She lit a candle every year on the anniversary of her first wedding to Chakotay. They always celebrated their second together, but she could not let the first go by without marking the occasion. Over the years he had remembered more and more of their seven years in the Delta Quadrant, but always a fleeting image, a fleeting memory, and she always celebrated this anniversary alone and in secret. She heard Chakotay's footsteps on the stairs and blew out the candle. She then sat on the bed just in time for him to enter the room.
"Here you are," he smiled, walking over to her and kissing her cheek. "I've looked all over for you."
"I was taking a shower."
He saw the remnants of tears on her face. But he said nothing. He merely took her hands in his.
"Get changed," he said softly, "we're going out."
Kathryn broke away from him and stood up. Going out was the last thing she felt like doing. "I don't feel like it, not tonight."
"We're expected."
"Expected?"
"Jane and Peter invited us out for a meal tonight and I said we would go. I forget all about it until this morning. We can't let them down now."
"You shouldn't have said we would go without asking me first. I could have had anything planned."
"I know. I'm sorry."
Kathryn sighed. "Well, I suppose it's too late to do anything about it now. Give me half an hour."
Chakotay smiled. "Yes, Ma'am."
Chakotay waited in the living room for Kathryn. At last she entered and the way she looked made him catch his breath. Her shoulder length hair was elegantly swept up, showing the beauty of her features, and the black velvet dress she was wearing clung tight to her fine figure. Tears welled in his eyes as he gazed at her. Kathryn walked over to him, and somehow sensing a vulnerability in him, she held him close a moment. He returned her embrace and had to suppress the tears that so desperately wanted to fall.
Kathryn drew away from him with a warm smile. "Come on. Let's get transported before we're late."
Kathryn linked her arm with Chakotay's as they prepared for transportation.
"So, where are we meeting Jane and Peter?"
"We're not," Chakotay replied.
Kathryn turned to him. "What do you mean?"
But before he could answer, they dematerialised.
They rematerialised and Kathryn looked around. The surroundings were familiar, oh so dearly familiar.
It was her ...their...quarters on Voyager.
The light was dim, and her old dining table was decorated with candles and flowers and was all set for a meal. She looked up at Chakotay, her heart pounding from confused anticipation.
"What are we doing here?"
Chakotay pulled out a little box from his jacket pocket and handed it to her.
"Happy anniversary."
Kathryn looked up at him and tears ran down her cheek. Could this really be happening, or was it all just
a dream, a beautiful dream...?
"I remember," he said tearfully. "I remember everything. The Doctor's been working on a way to cure my condition for years and a few weeks ago he made a breakthrough. I underwent the operation when you were away on the Rylant mission. There was no risk to my life, so I didn't tell you about it. I didn't want to build up your hopes only to disappoint you. But the operation was a success. Over the next week my memory started to come back ...everything. It was so close to our first wedding anniversary that I thought I would wait until then. After ten years, I thought two weeks was not long to wait. I wanted the occasion to be special, so I arranged with the curator for us to have Voyager to ourselves for the night. I know there is no where more special to either of us."
Kathryn could not speak. She simply drew Chakotay close and held him tight, weeping softly. They held each other long.
At last they drew away. "Well," Chakotay said kindly, "aren't you going to open your present?"
Kathryn smiled and then with trembling fingers, opened the box. Embedded in the black velvet was a gold necklace with seven beautiful gems hanging from it. The vibrant colours sparkled in the candlelight.
"A stone for every year of our journey in the Delta Quadrant," Chakotay said. He began to point at the stones individually. "Moonstone, the traveller's stone, for the first year, representing the beginning of our journey. Ruby for the second, the stone of strength and reconciliation, representing the harmony and friendship that now existed between our two crews. Garnet, the stone of commitment, a sacred stone amongst my people, symbolizing our ongoing commitment to our journey in the face of constant adversity. Peridot, the stone of hope, for the fourth year, reflecting the renewed hope of finally establishing a brief connection with Earth. Diamond and silver, the stones of endurance and perseverance, symbolizing the endurance of our friendship through many trials in the fifth and sixth year, and finally Aquamarine, the stone of marriage, symbolising our marriage in the seventh year."
Kathryn touched the stones. "It's beautiful, Chakotay, really beautiful."
"Let me put it on you."
Kathryn held the box while he took out the necklace and then tossed it to the table. She turned around so Chakotay could put the necklace on her. He clasped the gold hook and then kissed her neck before turning her to him. Kathryn glanced at the necklace and then up at him. He touched her face, wiped away her tears, and then took her hand in his, his other arm holding her close.
"These past ten years I have been happier than I could ever have imagined I could be. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you, and never thought anyone could love me the way you do. Yet there was always a part of me missing...I felt incomplete...But now, now I am whole again." He squeezed her hand, his tears falling onto her white skin. "I remember the first day we met... remember the way you gave your orders so absolutely on the Bridge and the way my heart seemed to somersault as you spoke. I remember our time together on New Earth, remember our shuttle accident, our dinners, all the times we were there for each other." He paused. "And I remember the frightened woman who would never let me into her heart." He looked deep into her eyes. "I love you so much, Kathryn. But not more...I could never love you more than I have loved you for the past ten years. You are everything to me."
Kathryn slipped her arms around her husband's neck. "And you to me."
She kissed him and deepened the kiss as he responded.
When at last they drew away, Kathryn let her arms rest around his neck. "How long do we have here?"
"Well," Chakotay said, knowing all too well what the fire in her eyes meant, "the holocleaners don't start until six am."
Kathryn smiled. "Then that gives us plenty of time."
She put her lips to his and they surrendered to another kiss.
THE END