A Character Named Sue

A Parody of Johnny Cash's "A Boy Named Sue"

Disclaimer: I own none of Johnny Cash's songs...I do own a 'Sue, though. :)

Some writer made me to self-insert

And she made me live a lot of hurt

To complete my obligatory background

As a tragic Sue

Now, I don't blame her for jumping the gun

But the meanest thing that she'd ever done

Was when writing this fic, she went and made me a Sue.

Well, she must've took at least some care

When she wrote my looks and my flowing hair

And my flawless lips and eyes of deepest blue.

Some man would swoon and I'd blush red

And before you blinked, I'd be in his bed

Hey, character depth's not easy for a fanfic Sue.

Well, I grew up quick and I grew up queen

Of all the men who turned bright green

With jealousy, while I played my game.

Well I flirted once – well a million times

But my heart was set on a certain guy

Who I'd love to death till the day I died

While he brokenly whispered my cliché name.

It was Middle-Earth in Lorien

And I'd just jumped off a white stallion

With amazing grace and style, when the sky flashed blue

And a shape appeared in front of me

With a glowing face and lip-glossed teeth

And I realized it was the girl – the one that made me Sue.

Well, I knew that giggle and I knew that smile

From an author-insert that had lasted a while

And I knew the perky mood and the hot pink shirt

She was small and cute and flirty and nice

And I looked at her and my blood turned ice

And I said: "You made me Sue!

How dare you?

Now you're gonna die!"

Well, I drew out my lipstick with the sharp pink point

And she looked shocked, to my surprise

But then she came up with her own and gave

me a perfectly placed scar

And I growled at her and she pouted at me

Holding up the lipstick and her deadly pen

I tell ya, I've charmed tougher folks

Like those dwarven men and those orcish blokes

But her, she just wrote my powers off

And signed her name with a flourish of her purple pen

And she said: "Sue, writing's tough

And if a girl's gonna make it,

She's gotta have fluff

And I knew I couldn't do better to make you strong.

So I made you a Sue and said goodbye

I knew you'd have to win men or die,

And you see, thinking that way, I wasn't wrong."

She said: "Come on, tell me that you didn't like

Kissing Legolas, and helping Frodo fight

And having them fall in love with everything you do

So you oughta thank me before you die

For the pretty sunsets and the romantic sky

Cuz I'm the mediocre writer that made you a Sue."

Well I stared at her and I pulled out my sword

And I called her the winner of the Dumb Award

And told her I never wanted that life – well, she didn't know what to do

So I sent her away, and she went off then

And I vowed to become what I hadn't been

And I set off for a new life and different points of view

And if I ever write a book, I think I'm going to call the main character…

"Spike Darkness!"

It's the farthest I can think of from "Sue!"