Yumichika's discovery
Ikkaku Madarame was where he usually was on a Monday morning, or a Tuesday morning, or a Wednesday or Thursday or Frid… Ikkaku Madarame was where he usually was of a morning: lying on his bed with his eyes closed, trying to block out loud noises that would aggravate the headache he had due to his excessive drinking the night before.
The door to his room slid open with a bang, Ikkaku groaned at the loud noise and rolled over so his back was to the newcomer. "What do you want Yumichika?"
The invader was Yumichika Ayasegawa, his long time friend and the man who made him feel better about himself because no matter how bad things got Ikkaku could always comfort himself by thinking; 'Well, at least I'm not Yumichika." Ikkaku knew it was the narcissist without even having to look at him because of two things. One: only the captain, the lieutenant or Yumichika would dare to barge into his room like that and two: only Yumichika would not attack him as soon as they walked in.
"I've just discovered something exciting!" Yumichika practically sang.
"What?" came the grunting response.
"Oh I couldn't possibly say," gushed the other man. "It would be a betrayal of trust, confidence and…well trust."
"Fine, then sod off."
"Oh alright Ikkaku, you push too hard, I'll tell you!"
Sensing that his friend wasn't going to be leaving anytime soon Ikkaku sighed and sat up, rubbing his bald…I-I mean shaved head. Yumichika perched at the end of his mattress and held up something in the air.
"What is it?" asked Ikkaku squinting his eyes.
"Oh Ikkaku you are so blind; it's a hair."
"So?"
"SO, I found it in the captain's bed when I was tidying it this morning."
To anyone else this might have sounded strange but everyone in Squad Eleven knew that fifth seat Ayasegawa hated mess. One of the first things the new recruits learnt in their first week along with: stay out of the captain's way, accept the nick-name the lieutenant gives you and don't mention the third seat's lack of hair, was: keep the barracks clean at all times. Failure to comply with any of those rules, they soon learnt, lead to a one way ticket to Squad Four. Unfortunately for Yumichika his captain didn't care about keeping his room clean so Yumichika had taken to tidying it every morning at eleven o'clock while the captain was out.
"So what the captain lost a hair, we all do."
"Everyone except you," Yumichika giggled as his friend scowled. "But anyway, this hair isn't the captain's!"
"How can you tell?"
"Well it's to long," the narcissist stretched the hair until it was about a meter long.
"OK it's not the captain's hair, so what?"
"So what! Honestly Ikkaku you need to lay off the sake it's killing the few brain cells you have left! It means: The. Captain. Is. Sleeping. With. Someone." He said slowly as if to a three year old.
"Oh," came the unsatisfactory grunt, then. "OH, Ohhhhhhhhh." Yumichika gave a smug nod. "Well?" asked Ikkaku.
"Well what?"
"Whose hair is it?"
"Well isn't it obvious?"
"I suppose; Captain So-Fon's"
"Captain Unohana's" They both said together.
There was a moment of silence, then.
"Captain Unohana," spluttered Ikkaku, trying and failing to suppress a laugh. "The Captain of the healing core and the most ruthless man in Soul Society?"
"Well why not, you know what they say: opposite's attacked."
"Yeah but they mean slight opposites; like a different taste in tea, not polar opposites!"
"Oh shut up, at least it's a better guess then Captain Soi-Fon!" shouted Yumichika defensively.
"What's wrong with Captain Soi-Fon?" asked Ikkaku indignantly. "They're both warriors aren't they; they both enjoy a good fight don't they?"
"Yes but Captain Soi-Fon is about up to here," Yumichika held his hand up to his chin. "And Captain Zaraki is, well…" He stretched his hand into the air and went on tip-toe.
"And? At least they share things in common, if the Captain were shagging Captain Unohana he'd have to talk about kido, healing techniques, knitting patterns and shit like that."
"Well at least with Unohana he'd get a shag, I doubt he would even be able to see Soi-Fon, let alone do anything else to her, it would be physically impossible!"
"It doesn't matter about size if she's flexible."
"Well he'd have a better time with Unohana anyway, I bet the sweet lady thing is just an act; I bet she's a demon in bed!"
"So? Soi-Fon would be ten times better than Unohana!"
Their conversation had steadily grown louder and louder until they were practically yelling at each other. Unbeknownst to the two in Ikkaku's room, a crowd had formed outside the door full of squad members listening in on their argument.
"What's going on?" Makizo Armaki, the squad's tenth seat asked.
"Third seat Madarame and fifth seat Ayasegawa are arguing over who would be better in bed; Captain Soi-Fon or Captain Unohana." A squad member with a Mohawk and an eye patch answered.
"Shush, they're quietening down." Another squad member who had his ear pressed to the door whispered.
"Look," sighed Yumichika from within the room. "This is getting us nowhere, there's only one way to settle this."
Everyone in the corridor held their breath, listening with all their might.
"We'll just have to find out for ourselves."
"I guess," agreed Ikkaku. "But how will we find out?"
"We'll have to do a little investigation."
The other squad members outside gasped.
"OK then," replied the third seat. "I'll take Soi-Fon, you take Unohana."
An even louder gasp escaped the silent audience.
"No, no, that will be no fun; we'll carry out our investigations together."
The eavesdroppers now sounded like they were hyperventilating.
"Fine, we'll do it together, who shall we hit first?"
"Whichever one we come across first, obviously."
Outside a few listeners feinted.
"Alright, when do we start, only I've still got a hangover."
"Ikkaku, you always have a hangover, we'll start after lunch then."
"Fine, man this is such a drag, having to prove I'm right to you all the time."
"You're not always right! I'm right sometimes, do you remember, yousaid wearing feathers on my face would make me look like a sissy, but were you right, noooooo, Iwas."
"You keep telling yourself that, now will you leave onlyI have to sleep off this headache yougave me."
When Yumichika opened the door, the corridor outside was deserted but in the courtyard outside everyone was discussing the conversation they had just overheard.
"And did you hear third seat Madarame? He wanted to put it off andhe complained about it, saying it was a drag!"
"Must be nice to have that luxury." Sighed Makizo.
"Yeah." Everyone else agreed.
11.11.11
Hi people, this is my second Bleach fic, my first got one review but it was only a Christmas special so I'm not too disappointed.
*sniff*
Anyways, I'm quite excited about this one; I have it all worked out and I even have a plan, I know: a plan! Mwahahahaha. It will probably go to pot but oh well.
I AM DOING THIS IN THE STYLE OF THE DUB. I know, shoot me down in flames but I'm too lazy to put the proper suffix's on the end of the names so there.
If there are any characters you desperately want in the story tell me now! (In a review). I'm quite good at fitting characters that have no relation to the story what so ever in so suggest, demand, review!
Oh, I ALREADY KNOW WHO THE MYSTERY PERSON IS! As I said before; I have a plan.
Until next time folks xxx