Death Wish
One-shot Literati by xfalloutgirlx
Disclaimer: amy Sherman palladino owns Gilmore girls. I am not amy Sherman palladino. Make the connection yet?
A/n: sigh. Yet another literati one-shot. I can't help it. I have an addiction. Indulge me. Anyway, this is again set after rory's graduation. Because the visits jess made to SH and rory's dorm after that are way too horrid. The last thing that happened between them is the phone call at her graduation, k?
im not sure if i really even like this. definitely not my best. but if u disagree, review. thanx.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He doesn't know why he's standing here. The only thing he can come up with is that he has some kind of a subconscious death wish. Because when she sees him, Rory is definitely going to kill him. And if by some miracle she doesn't, her mother will. But he's here anyway, standing outside her dorm room, staring at the woodwork around the door.
It's been three years since he's seen her. Since that fateful day on the bus. And he still loves her. In all the chaos and disaster that is his life, the fact that he loves her more than anything is his only constant.
He knows he screwed that up a long time ago, just like he did everything else. But he made himself a promise in California. A promise to himself that he wouldn't do it again, and that he would try to fix it all.
And he has. He got to know Jimmy. He formed as much of a healthy relationship with his mother as anyone could. He graduated high school with a real diploma. He apologized to Luke, let him know how much he had done for him. And he even has a real job, writing columns for an underground music magazine.
He fixed everything.
Except her. He knows that there is no way to fix what happened between them. But he still finds himself outside her door. And he's just about to give up, turn away, when it flies open.
"Jess?"
He looks up, eyes locking with another pair. And these eyes hold exactly what he expected. Anger, confusion, suspicion.
"Paris?"
Paris looks at him, narrowing her eyes. "I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing here?"
He sighs, knowing that even if he did have an answer, it wouldn't satisfy her. Giving up he shoves his hands deep in his pockets and shrugs.
She crosses her arms, looking him up and down. And what she says next he never would have expected. "I read your stuff, in that pitiful excuse for a magazine. But your writing is good, really good. You should write for a more credible paper, you know."
And then she's brushing past him out the door, yelling over her shoulder. "Rory! Jess is here!"
He stands where he is, rooted to the spot. Too afraid to move but not really wanting to stay.
"Jess?"
He hears his name for the second time and he knows it's her. Without a doubt. There is no escaping this now.
So he looks up, waiting to see eyes like the first pair. But instead he is greeted with confusion and maybe he is imagining it, but something that is not really hate.
"Rory," he begins, still uncertain what he wants to say. "I, um, wanted to talk to you. Tell you something."
Her eyes open a little as if she is surprised. But after a moment that feels like a lifetime, she nods softly. He notices the bangs that brush her eyes and the shorter length of her hair. And he suddenly realizes just how much time has passed between them.
"Do you wanna come in?" she asks, trying to meet his eyes that are currently studying the floor. "Sit?"
It's his turn to nod and he steps into the common room stiffly. She sits on the couch and looks up at him, waiting for him to join her. He does, letting a few feet of space lie between them.
"I, um," he starts, eyes anywhere but on her.
She laughs a little and he looks up, taken aback by the sudden sound.
She smiles shyly at him. "It's just, I never thought I'd see you at a loss for words. I mean, you never really used a lot of words. You know, when you talked. But you always had something to say…"
She trails off, realizing that she is rambling. "Sorry, I'm a little nervous."
He smiles a little too. "Take comfort in the fact that you aren't alone."
She smiles wider this time, recognizing the words from their past. But she doesn't say anything, knowing that if either one of them directly brings that up, the fragile bridge they have built will collapse.
"So," she says, picking at an imaginary spot on her jeans. "You said you wanted to tell me something?"
He nods, taking a deep breath and looking back at his hands. "If I'm gonna tell you this, I just need you to not interrupt me, okay? If you do, I won't be able to keep going. And I think I need to. Keep going that is."
She just looks at him for a moment, shocked by how different he seems. How much older and calmer, but at the same time so essentially the Jess she remembers.
"Yeah," she whispers. "I promise."
He takes a deep breath, even now considering the option of walking away. But then he sees her move and the first time he walked away comes rushing back. So he speaks.
"I'm sorry," he says, figuring he should start here, at the simplest of things. "I'm sorry that I left. Both times, especially the last. I screwed up. At the time, it was all I knew how to do. Run."
She looks up at him carefully, not wanting to startle him, but he is looking at his hands as he talks.
"I just want you to know," he continues. "It wasn't you. As much as that sounds like some lame line from one of those stupid movies you made me watch, it wasn't."
She smiles softly, thinking about the awful romantic comedies he suffered through all those years ago.
"I didn't tell you," he resumes, still not looking up. "But I wasn't gonna graduate. They told me when I went to buy us the prom tickets. Missed too many days or some crap. And I was scared to tell you. I knew how much you wanted to go and I just knew I was gonna disappoint you. Just like I always did."
Her mouth opens at this, wanting to deny his comment. He did disappoint her when he left, but never before. He was more than she could have ever imagined. But he speaks again, silencing her.
"And then my dad showed up."
She closes her mouth, feeling tears coming on. She knew about his father, thanks to Luke. And it killed her to know what he went through. And that she didn't see it, didn't try and help him.
"And I just didn't know what to do," he says, swallowing over the memories. "I mean, he leaves me and my mom. And now suddenly he wants to know me? But he wanted me to go to California with him and I just thought that maybe it would make things better. You would be better off."
This time she can't keep quiet. "Jess-"
He looks up at her, shaking his head. "Don't, Rory."
She watches him as he stands up,starting towards the door. He stops though, and she breathes again, thinking he might stay.
But he only speaks once more, back still turned. "I just wanted you to know. It wasn't your fault. And I still love you, Rory."
He walks again, and she freezes for a moment. On one hand, she knows it would be so easy to let him run again. To watch him walk out the door, out of her life.
But in that split second, she thinks about the years without him. Of all the times she has thought about him while out with another guy. She remembers how she felt when Luke told her how good he was doing.
So this time, as he runs, she runs after him. She catches his hand, and he turns around, not expecting her there.
She looks into his eyes for a second and then she speaks so low he's not sure how he hears her.
"I love you Jess."
He looks at her for a minute, studying the planes of her face. The angles and shadows that are so different but sopainfully the same. And he leans in, his lips softly brushing against hers.
He pulls back, giving her the chance to object. But she doesn't.
Instead, she leans in almost immediately, crushing her lips against his. Her hands wrap themselves around his neck, pulling him closer. Willing him not to leave again.
He's doesn't leave. Instead he follows. Follows her as she leads him into her bedroom. And he can't help but think he finally got it right.
And she can't help but smile. He's staying.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
so yeah still not sure. i think im more comfortable writing imagery and feelings than dialogue & action. anyway i hope you like it. REVIEW PLEASE. even if its anonymous. oh and check my profile for two better literati stories by me. thanx. -rylie