Fiftieth Time
Chapter 1: Apologies Aren't Cold…
Written by OpheliacAngel
Dean/Gabriel
Genre: Romance/Family
Song Featured: My verse is named after Alana Grace's "Black Roses Red". Lyrics are from Tristania's "Equilibrium".
"Black Roses Red" verse: This is the 3rd fic in the collection. Dean & Gabriel love each other, even if they're hard-pressed to show it at times. One thing the archangel so much wants to change is Dean's remarkable ability to doubt himself, his mentality that he doesn't deserve to be saved. He will show him just how much he means to the world and to him. Gabriel is on a mission to turn Dean's black roses red.
Summary: Dean's boyfriend lets him down, and it isn't the first time. So why does he feel so guilty about the way he handles the situation?
A/N: This just came out of my head and flowed onto my computer keys from nowhere. Though I kinda always wanted to try Dean banishing Gabriel. Part of my goal of this verse is to write everything, I tend to write a lot of angst and I still am, but I am also trying to write a lot of fluff as well. I really do want the two of them to have a happy ending after all. As always, please enjoy.
Word: Icicle
XxXx
~This is the slowest dance
The dance of a thousand years
The dance of the frozen statues
Clinging together in tears~
XxXx
Dean shivers as his freezing hand slips on the doorknob for the fiftieth time, curses under his breath but it's more inside his head. He rubs his hands together but there's not much point in it anymore, they are so cold and achingly numb. He prays to a god he has never prayed to that he doesn't get frostbite, he can't deal with something like that now. Not ever actually. As much as he is able, though he'd be lying if he said it wasn't a struggle, the human bundles his surprisingly thin coat around him and moves his legs a little in an attempt to gain back circulation. He's not getting much response.
"Come on, open the damn door."
He has no idea how long he's been out here, a half hour or so, maybe more. It feels like he's been out here for a year, and he wonders what the hell Gabriel and Sam are even doing that could be more important than saving Dean's life and limbs right now. He's been banging on the door more times than he can count, and screaming till his voice became hoarse, and cursing Gabriel for his neglection, for his utter stupidity.
A massive tremor wracks through his body, nearly causing him to fall to the concrete and probably lie there for all eternity, with all the response he's getting from the people who claim to care about him, but apparently aren't here right now. He bites down on his lip, is positive he causes blood but can't feel anything anyway. And the human almost feels like cheering when he realizes he's still in an upright position. He's still alive and coping, albeit barely.
Dean Winchester is too weak to pound on the door, to demand that he be let in immediately before his ass becomes fully frozen. Hell, he thinks it already is. He tries the doorknob one last time, for that's all he can do, and it slips again. He realizes with startling fear that he can't even feel the metal.
It's the archangel's touch he needs, that familiar and loving warmth to engulf him and protect him from this harsh world, this brutal winter evening in Vermont. He honestly wouldn't mind it too much if he wasn't stuck outside on one of the coldest nights of the year so far, with no one to warm him up. No archangel to warm him up.
"Gabe…
He tries, he really really does but he's already growing far too exhausted for his liking and reassurance.
Gabri…"
His voice sputters again and he takes a deep breath to attempt to gain it back. There's not much fight left in Dean Winchester, the cold is taking him faster than expected and giving him no break from its icy tentacles, latching onto him so tightly it's a struggle to just gather in enough oxygen, let alone hold himself up and stay awake.
"Please", he manages to crack out through his peeling lips, eyes already half-open and closing fast.
He doesn't know what else to say, but he notices he has a little more breath left in him before it disappears completely.
"S' cold. Need you."
Something rushes on him at lightning speed, and whether it's the cold or exhaustion or merely just the loss of hope, he actually doesn't know. Only that he is falling, fast, and he can't even remember hitting the ground before he's gone.
XxXx
"Dean? Oh shit. Dean!"
He can hear his voice, and god how good it is to hear his voice. Managing to open his eyes despite how hard it is, what with all the snow gathering on his eyelashes, Dean looks up at his savior, none other than his boyfriend Gabriel. Who miraculously, isn't late after all.
"Stay with me, baby. Come on, stay with me."
Dean can see his hands on him, know they're on his face, his belly, his arms and legs, moving around and caressing various parts of his body constantly. He can't feel them though, and oh how he wishes he could feel his warmth. One of Gabriel's hands lingers on his throat, and seconds later he can feel his voice return, and it's better than nothing at all.
"Hoped you'd find me. Bout time."
Gabriel's hands linger on his cheeks, his forehead, and he can see him, though a bit blurrily, try to spark warmth back in them by rubbing him. Dean wonders why the hell he's not using the rest of his mojo, cause he's sure not getting any warmer with him here.
"Fuck, you're so cold."
Dean wants to roll his eyes but apparently that's too much to ask for. He just stares up at Gabriel like he couldn't be more of an idiot, not that he's not glad he's back. He's extremely glad that he decided to find Dean after all, he really wasn't ready to die yet.
"Gabriel, can you at least get me inside now?"
"Right… sorry… So so sorry."
Gabriel is frantic and Dean's not sure if he's ever even seen him frantic before. He's panicking yet he's a damn archangel, supposed to be calm in these situations. Dean is the only one who should be panicking right now, and he needs his supposed boyfriend to hold it together for him, like he should be doing, otherwise he's really going to lose it. The archangel looks and feels so human now, and it isn't helping Dean's nerves on any measure.
He's afraid to let his eyes close, curious to see what Gabriel's gonna do next, but he's so exhausted and Gabriel's terrible time to change isn't helping him feel any less tired.
"You'll be okay, Dean."
The whisper in his ear doesn't calm him down like it normally would, it only makes him more worried, cause Gabriel doesn't sound like he knows what he's doing.
"S' what you always say."
He can hear a door slam shut but being inside the motel room doesn't make him feel warmer, it only makes him feel better. The cold is behind him now, but it's still possessing him, and Dean honestly doesn't know how much longer he can last if Gabriel doesn't start to do something drastic now.
"That's because it's true. I'd never let anything happen to you."
Dean can kinda feel the bed beneath him, but it's not enough. Gabriel isn't doing enough for him, he might as well just be Sam, human and helpless.
"So sick and tired of this, Gabriel. Jus cause you can heal me doesn't mean pain's okay."
"I know… I know."
He says he knows yet he doesn't seem to be healing him, unless it's happening too slow, which would mean his lover isn't putting enough into it. Hell, does Gabriel even care that he's practically dying right now? The only things he's probably doing for him at the moment, are keeping him talking and making sure he stays awake. And at least the archangel knows that much, that if he falls asleep there's a major chance he won't wake up again.
Dean thinks about how he couldn't have been in the snow for much longer since he collapsed. Gabriel must have come soon after, otherwise he doubted he would have been able to wake him up. The more he keeps on thinking the madder he gets, wanting to demand Gabriel what took him so long. This isn't even new, last month he got in a bar fight and he neglected to show up until the next day, when he had one hell of a hangover and a couple of cracked ribs.
Yeah, Gabriel was sorry, but it didn't matter much in the end. If he couldn't depend on him, on the archangel who claimed to always be watching over him, taking care of him, how could he feel safe? And now it had happened again, and even though his eyes were closed and he couldn't see his apologetic face, he really didn't want him here at all. Period.
"What the hell were you doing anyway?"
"Something for you."
"Oh yeah? What?"
"Surprise Deano."
He can't imagine anything being more important to Gabriel than his actual life, his heartbeat and blood and normal body temperature. And now his boyfriend won't tell him, not that he really wants to hear it. Why oh why did he have to get into a relationship with Gabriel, of all the stupid things to do in the world. He's so sick of his secrets, his surprises, the only thing he cares about right now is being warm. And it doesn't look like it's coming anytime soon.
"Gabriel?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks a lot. Get me Sammy."
"What?"
"I said, get me Sammy. At least he'll know what to do."
Dean's eyes are still closed, and he is still amazingly awake, kinda, but he can picture the hurt look on Gabriel's face. He has only seen it a few times, and he hates it because it only makes him look so vulnerable, so human. He's glad he can feel emotions for Dean but it's painful when he can actually see them written on his face.
Dean just can't deal with him there right now, he seems so different and he can't even feel him. It's just growing to be too uncomfortable. So it was time to resort back to the basics, to Sam, who would be more than willing to take care of him, wherever the hell he is. It's his brother he needs, he wants, not some damn archangel who's good for nothing at all.
He's sure Gabriel hovers near him for several more moments before he vanishes. And if Dean wasn't so spent, he's sure he would have breathed a sigh of relief.
XxXx
Sam takes care of him and Gabriel is surprisingly gone throughout it all. Dean doesn't think much of it, now that he's warming up he's in pain and wants the only thing he focuses on to be the soft warm blankets and Sam's nimble fingers brushing over him, warming him up. It's nothing like Gabriel's touch though, and that's part of the reason why he's so pissed off at Gabriel.
Until he starts to feel guilty, damn it, he's not ready to feel guilty yet.
"What exactly happened?"
He wants to sleep, wants to avoid Sammy's stares and questions, which were bound to be spoken sooner rather than later. But for the life of him sleep won't take him, and he can't help but think that maybe his archangel has something to do with it.
"Gabriel happened."
There is a long silence and Dean almost thinks Sam's done with the scrutiny. Jumping to conclusions again though.
"You know it was an accident right?"
Sam's tone is gentle but it's still not the words his brother wants to hear at the moment, "The last thing he wants to do is to hurt you."
Dean doesn't answer, he knows Sam's right but he isn't ready to admit to it, to accept the truth like he knows he should.
"I wasn't here either, Dean", he points out.
"That's different."
"How exactly?"
"You're human, Sam. You can't see what I'm doing every second of the day, which I'm glad for. Gabriel's supposed to."
"This isn't about that bar fight last month is it?"
Dean sighs and turns around a little, away from his brother's contemplative stare, "Just let me sleep, Sam."
"No", Sam's hand is on his shoulder and is turning him back to face him.
"What the hell?"
Sam's big, emotional, and girly eyes fill his entire vision, make him pay attention even though that's the last thing he wants to do, "Dean, he loves you."
Sam seems pretty broken up and Sam's not usually like that. He's not one to defend Gabriel, so this time, Dean can't help but listen.
"Don't you think I know that? It just… doesn't seem like it at times."
Sam crosses his arms, "He was really broken up when you told him to leave."
"He's just faking it, no one can really make him leave if he doesn't want to."
"You're wrong, Dean. He does whatever you ask, he worships you. He left because you wanted him too and now he won't come back."
"Calm down, Sam. He'll be back."
"Oh, and how do you know?" Sam shoots back, unable to understand why his brother just won't give up and admit he hurt Gabriel.
Because he's your idiot selfish pigheaded brother, that's why.
"Because Gabriel can't live without me. He always pops in whenever he feels like it. Just watch, he'll probably be back in an hour."
"You're a jerk, Dean. You know that?"
"Back at ya, bitch. Now go away and let me sleep."
His brother shakes his head and walks off, "You know, men apologize. It's babies who think they're always right, that they can do no harm."
Dean doesn't take it to heart at the moment, sleep is claiming him and he's accepting fast.
XxXx
Sam steps out on the balcony of their motel, bundling his coat closer to him, letting the light snow and cold air clear his head. The night is nice, he doesn't mind the cold more often than not, but he still shivers in it, more for the fact of how close Dean came to actually dying. The research he had been doing at the nearest library wasn't even worth it in the end, he didn't find much, and Dean's life was the most important thing. He'd be an idiot if he didn't beat himself up a lot over it.
He just didn't want Gabriel to take all the blame.
He sighs loudly, watching his breath fog up in the air before him intently. Dean would be okay, he could relax now. Yet he felt tense and shaky as hell, he needed a drink or something.
He hopes Gabriel's okay, that he'll be back soon. He can't bear to think of what his brother said to him.
"He okay?"
Sam jumps and turns to the side, sees a shadowy but all too recognizable figure, "Gabriel?"
The archangel steps closer until he's next to Sam's elbow, where he leans across the balcony looking out at the night as well.
"It's me."
Sam relaxes again and leans beside him, feeling his anxiety slip away slowly and it's a huge relief.
"Yeah, he's fine."
Gabriel's head turns farther away from him and Sam leans closer, concerned and knowing what he's about to say next. Not wanting him to say what he's going to say next.
"I should have been there. Should have prevented that."
"Don't Gabriel. Don't put that on yourself."
"I have to, Sam. He nearly…"
Gabriel pushes away from the balcony and Sam does the same, hesitantly reaches a hand out to place on his shoulder. Gabriel accepts the small comfort and leans into it.
"I don't know what I'd do without him."
Gabriel is losing it, Sam can hear it easily in his voice. Gabriel never loses it.
"I should have been there too. But it doesn't matter now, it's all over. He'll be fine by the morning."
Gabriel sniffles softly and Sam's heart breaks at hearing that, but he still nods, turns back around to look at Sam and smiles a little.
"Just tell him I'm sorry."
"He should be the one saying that to you, Gabriel. He knows you're not perfect."
"Yeah, but I'm the closest anyone's gonna get to it."
Sam can't tell if he's joking, because he's not flawed like humans, or serious in the way that he's sinking back down into depression again. Sam brushes it off and looks at the door, watching Gabriel follow his gaze.
"You should go in there, he needs you."
Gabriel shakes his head, "He told me to leave. I should wait until he calls."
The youngest Winchester was astounded that Gabriel cared about his brother that much to respect his wishes, despite how much it was hurting him. He was growing more and more disgusted at his brother for ever having done such a thing.
"I still can't believe he told you to leave."
Seeing the hurt look on Gabriel's face doesn't help matters any, so he changes his words a little.
"I'm sure he didn't mean it though, you know how cranky he gets when he's hurt."
Gabriel abruptly looks up at him in concern, "Was he in pain?"
Sam nods sadly, "Yeah, a little. But he's not feeling it anymore, he's asleep", he assures.
He nods towards the door again, is about ready to push the archangel inside, damn how much weaker he is compared to him. Dean will feel better if he can sense Gabriel there, he'll be happy when he wakes up, no matter what fight or argument they might get into. They both needed each other, and Sam was more than happy to oblige them as often as he could.
"Please Gabe, go in there. He needs his archangel."
Gabriel thinks about that for a moment, finally gives in, "Thanks Sam. Maybe I will."
He watches Gabriel walk inside and close the door behind him, then turns back to the balcony so he can think for a while longer. It's getting colder but he can hardly feel it, his want to give Gabriel some alone time with Dean outweighs all else. Sam has no doubt that his pushing helped, but he also blames Gabriel's final decision on none other than his love for his brother. And Sam hopes with all his heart that they can resolve things soon.
XxXx
Gabriel pulls a chair over to Dean's bed, sits down on it as he watches his sleeping and cold form. He's not out of the water yet, but as he feels his forehead he lets out a deep breath because he can feel him growing warmer. He laughs when he can practically hear Sam's voice say 'Get in bed with him, don't let him suffer alone'. And he listens to this, even though Sam's still outside and completely oblivious.
He crawls into bed next to Dean, wraps his arms around him and smiles a little. He's ashamed of his actions today, he was too out of it to realize he wasn't using enough of his grace on Dean. He panicked, which lowered himself down to the equivalent of being a human. He let Dean down when he needed him, more than once, and Dean, like always, suffered for it.
Today was just the wrong day to do something he had wanted to do for Dean for months. Just because he was hurt though, didn't mean he wanted to let him in on the secret, and now would actually be a perfect time to give it to him. Considering what had just happened.
Being extra extra careful not to wake his hunter, he scoots closer to him and moves his head slowly towards his own, where he can cradle it a little. Dean stirs but doesn't wake up, only sighs happily as he leans further against Gabriel. He can feel him now, Gabriel is making sure of that.
"Love you", he mumbles into Dean's neck, tears soaking it as he plants kisses everywhere he can reach.
"Love you so much."
The hunter returns back to his normal body temperature within moments, and soon Gabriel is cuddling up next to his Dean, not some icicle whose extreme coldness he obsesses over. Dean will be okay, but that doesn't make him feel completely better. He can't keep on making these mistakes, he knows. Dean depends on him, feels safe and secure by knowing that his archangel is watching over him when he's alone.
Dean almost died this time, last time it was just some stupid bar fight they both got over pretty quickly. This time Dean was left out in the cold, for who knew how long, very very cold and very very alone, and Gabriel shivered when he realized he couldn't even think about it without sobbing uncontrollably. What must have gone through Dean's head, how long and hard he must have begged for him, prayed to him, waited on him.
Gabriel can't count how many times he's let Dean down, all the little times included. And the next time, probably around the fiftieth time, Dean could be gone for good.
"Love you more than anything."
He doesn't know what else to say, all he can do is spend the rest of the night whispering I love yous to his Dean. And when Sam walks in he barely even notices, only holds Dean so much closer and keeps whispering into his neck promises and vows and words filled with nothing but his love. Because in the end, that's what will save them both.
XxXx
Dean wakes up the next morning all cozy and warm. There's no reason he can come up with why he would even want to open his eyes, he's merely content enough to lie there and float away from reality, from yesterday's events. He doesn't want to face the possibility of hurting Gabe yet.
The second his eyes do eventually open, Sam is collapsed in a chair near him, fast asleep and Dean smiles at that. He's depressed to notice Gabriel still isn't back yet, he hopes he hasn't hurt him too much.
The cold is gone and it's like it was never there in the first place. And surprisingly, when he begins to move around a little nothing hurts. He feels perfectly fine, and his suspicions on Gabriel's grace finally rubbing off on him, maybe even when he was asleep, now seem more like reality than anything else.
Despite not wanting to tolerate Gabe's presence last night, the only thing his soul yearns for right now is him, and it's not even his warmth. It's his concern, his love, and when he remembers what Sam said to him last night, everything just gets so much worse.
As Dean sits up he notices his brother stir, he immediately stills, not wanting to be the force to wake Sam, but it's too late. Sam takes the final jump towards consciousness and seconds later, rubs his eyes and looks forward at a very awake and very okay Dean Winchester.
"Dean? How are you feeling?"
"Peachy Sam."
"Does that mean you're still cold?" Sam says a little panicked, usually that's the word Dean uses when he doesn't want his brother to know he feels like shit.
"No Sam. I feel great, I really do."
He sounds like he's telling the truth, but Sam still has to see for himself. He leans forward to place his hand on his brother's forehead.
Dean swats it away, "Paws off, dude.
The youngest brother smiles at the comfortable warmth radiating off his brother. He looks back to yesterday and wonders if it could have been a dream, his brother seems… perfect. If that word can accurately be used to describe his brother.
"Glad you're okay, Dean."
"You're not the only one."
Dean finally finishes sitting up and glares up at Sam, who is now standing and hovering above him.
"Sam."
"Huh? Oh."
Sam walks away from the bed and turns towards the little kitchenette they have included in their room, "I'll make you some coffee."
"Sounds great", Dean stretches and gets back on his feet.
No achy limbs, no traces of lingering chill to be found anywhere in his bones, no mild teeth chattering. He feels great, strong, like yesterday never occurred. If it hadn't though, Gabriel would be here right now. That was the one huge painful difference.
Gabriel…
"Where's Gabe?"
Sam shrugs, "He wants you to call for him."
Dean sighs, suspecting as much, as he accepts the coffee from Sam and collapses back on the bed.
"So last night happened?" He says slowly, testing the waters in the hopes of Sam not exploding at him and making him feel even more guilty than he already does.
He really wants Gabriel here right now to quench his guilt, to accept his apology, which he's sure to give as soon as he gets up the guts and pushes away his anger, which has now turned to a low level, and pride, which is still as fierce as ever.
"What do you remember?" Sam sits down across from him on his own bed.
"Well, I think I recall nearly becoming an icicle, then the part where Gabriel finally decided to show up made me feel even more like an icicle, and then we come to the part where he acts like everything's okay when apparently it's not."
Sam pinches between his eyes and runs a hand through his hair.
"What?"
"Nothing."
He can see his brother struggling to hold his fury for him back. He can't believe how close he's gotten to Gabriel these past few months, practically defending him on every issue and secretly, cause he thinks Dean doesn't notice, fighting to draw the two of them together when they get into rough patches like this.
It's not that Dean isn't happy about the connection and friendship the two have and are still continuing to form, it's the growing problem of Dean losing every fight, always being wrong, that Sam may actually be closer to Gabriel now than his own brother.
He isn't jealous, he isn't. Okay, maybe he is. A little.
"Listen Sam, I'm sorry. About all the shit I've put you through last night, and I feel bad, for treating Gabriel like that. I just wish he had been a little quicker on the uptake, so I didn't have to freeze my ass off as long as I did."
He can practically feel Sam back down, "You need to say that to Gabriel, Dean. He's the one who really needs to hear it from your mouth."
Dean nods, "I know."
Gabriel… Come on, get down here. Be here for me now.
More than a million seconds pass, though Dean must apparently be counting too fast, until he loses his patience. He knows he hasn't waited long enough but he ceases to care, he needs Gabe here, and he needs him here now. He's ready to say what he has to say, and if Gabriel denies him this one chance, this one shot he has at making things right, he'll never forgive him.
He doesn't want to be left hanging by the rope he's hung himself. But he's not ready to beg… yet.
"I don't think he's coming."
Sam's looking at something behind him, a soft and happy smile playing across his features, and Dean turns around to see who he's looking at, though he already should know…
"Gabe…"
"Hey Dean."
The human runs and crashes into him, and he's embraced with the arms he's needed for so long, obsessed over for months. And he realizes their bearer is the only creature on the Earth who craves to claim him. Who loves him. Cherishes him like there's nothing left but him. And he falls, so very deep, into him.
XxXx
~I cling to you
So cold, so bright
Cling to me through the night~
XxXx
To be continued…