Master Robin Hood

Note and Disclaimer: Yep, that's right. I, and everyone else here, still don't own M*A*S*H. I just sometimes wish we did, since all these stories are great. And, just to note, the quotes are directly (and indirectly) take from the 1938 movie, The Adventures of Robin Hood with Errol Flynn. All are also on Internet Movie Database, where I copied the quotes from.

It had been much too long since I've had a scheme in get out of this stupid Army and I think it's been a while…a month maybe. I mean, it's been treating me well nowadays and I'm getting a better life than what I've already had. I'm a sergeant now, I got an extra strip and more pay my way, I'm in love with a Korean woman who I've gotten out of some serious charges and, most important of all, I still want out of this hellhole.

Yeah, I know. It's late May, the war might be over soon and I'll be going home anyway to Toledo, to hot dogs and newer schemes on the streets. However, I just can't wait to leave Korea! The excitement is bubbling over everywhere I go about the war ending and I just can't seem to want to wait another minute to get out of here! I mean, there are so many more schemes and characters I can cook up, so many more ways to get out of here. Even without the Army giving me more responsibility and awards for good behavior, I still have my brain and this brain is going to get me out of here!

So, as I stand here in the office space so given to me for work and play and sleep, adjusting my new costume, I smile. I mean, it was my crowning achievement in entertainment(movie-wise, I mean) that I smuggled Errol Flynn's The Adventures of Robin Hood into the camp. It was a very good change here to see that pretty boy light up many people's eyes, mine included when my own pretty woman's mind shone with admiration…except mine was with a plan. And while Soon Lee was just happy to see a good movie with us last night (and giggle when I stayed up all night sewing), she's also willing to let me go before I come back for her…and get her smuggled into Toledo.

I adjust my costume with pride before my bed and mirror, playing with the hat just a tad (I think it's a little too large, but that's ok). The mirror in front of me, which my great chief of chiefs gave to me as a birthday present some time ago, had displayed this genius for far too long alone. It is now time to get past this vain picture and get to the real thing. It's time to say once more, "Klinger, you're the ultimate mastermind! Klinger, you're the genius!"

As I turn around to walk through the camp, I see the chief in which I adore the most (at the moment, at least). Colonel Potter stares at me with some comical relief, I think in part because the costume and the scheme are just harmless to him. I mean, everything I've ever done has been harmless, from gliding out of the camp in pink slippers to stripping naked in front of General Baker to even playing a wounded North Korean prisoner to get outside the camp with Colonel Flagg.

However, I almost laugh to see the colonel's face too. It's trying too hard to do something, and it's funny, but I can't tell what it would bring me just yet.

"Well, men, if you are willing to fight for our people, I want you!" I began, earnestly wishing that the colonel will take me seriously…for once.

"Ah, Klinger, but you speak treason!" Colonel Potter replied, also quoting the movie we just saw last night, even if it was a little paraphrased.

"Fluently," I responded suddenly, in spirit of the movie seen, but then I caught himself in the Catch 22. "Hey, Colonel! That's not fair!"

Colonel Potter sighed almost drastically. "Klinger, when are you going to learn?" He put a friendly arm around my shoulder and we sat down on the bed before the mirror. "The war is going to be over soon and the MP's are out there with the prisoners, wanting to shoot anyone that moves and isn't part of the camp nowadays. Don't you think that it's a tad easier to be patient than end up in the stockade or worse, dead?"

I mumbled something akin to a growl, but Colonel Potter stopped me.

"You have a wonderful woman you love," he began, as if counting my blessings. "You also have a good life ahead of you too. Don't ruin it by being as stupid as you used to be. Use that brain of yours. Use it before you really get hurt."

"You mean it, Colonel?" I was flattered. Nobody had ever said that I was intelligent before, not even when Colonel Blake was kicking around…before he tragically had to kick his own bucket, making us all (me included) miss him.

"Sure, you are, son," Colonel Potter replied with a grin and a twinkle behind those blue colonel eyes of his. "You just use it the wrong way. Now, go rob those rich Army men and give to the poor M*A*S*H hospital here. We need some things."

"Oh, what do we need?" I asked merrily, wanting to do more with this intelligence that someone finally acknowledged.

"Oh, some medicines, bandages and other supplies," Colonel Potter said, pulling out a large list, almost seven feet long (I kid you not), and handed it to me. "There's more, but I think missing that poker game last week was punishment enough. I wouldn't want to give you more than you can handle."

"You feel that this is a reward for all that hard work I've done?!"

"No, Klinger, it's part of your job. Now, get cracking or you might miss the next poker game with Major Freedman."

I was perplexed. "I didn't know there was one coming up, Sir. When is it?"

"There isn't yet, son, and it's days into the future. Just get to work and you might see it when it comes up."

The spirit of the response was perfect. The game was some time away, more than enough given to get this monster of a list done. It was encouraging, a battle cry to get my company clerk position into play…and to use that Klinger intelligence so given to me before I was born, when I was still inside my blessed mother. So, saluting the colonel, I worked myself to the phones before tripping over that list, but I still had one last thing to say to him before all was said and done.

"Now, some of you might think that our loyal host intended this treasure for the coffers of Prince John, instead of to ransom the king…and you'd be right," I said. "But a strange thing happened. A change of heart overtook him in the forest and there it is, safe and sound!"

All I could hear afterward, as Colonel Potter left the office space to go outside for some air, was his laughter. What support! What valor! Oh, to have a man like that go and push a Klinger to the limits! What a great man to ransom if the time comes too!

And what a colonel to take seriously (a silent drum roll in my head)…Master Robin Hood!