To Have Not to Hold

When your lips press to mine, I let my eyes drift shut and dream that you're here for me.

That the money I'll slip you as you leave doesn't exist, because you came because you wanted to be here. Because you wanted to be with me. It's stupid; I know that you came for the yen. I've left it in an envelope on the dresser; it makes it all the more real and painful if I have to hand it to you in person.

I watch as you open it up and count through the notes. I'm not asleep, I could never sleep while you're still in the room. I silently watch you counting, taking in every last detail of your body, as a single tear runs down my cheek.

You don't even bother to look back after you've pocketed the money. Don't even whisper goodbye as you close the door. I didn't know that you were crying too. How was I supposed to know there was another besides me so skilled with silent tears?

I can't bear to sleep, and as I enter the bathroom the smell of your body spray still lingers in the air. I draw a bath and relax, trying to drag up memories of you holding me. Even though it was less than an hour ago, they seem so far away.

You've left it again. Your lighter. You do it so often I like to pretend to myself that it's an excuse for you to keep coming back. It's pretty, and the flame is so attractive. Dancing flames lick the air, a faint spiral of smoke winds up to the ceiling. As soon as I click it shut the light is extinguished. So easy.

Open.

Shut.

Open.

Shut.

As I click it shut I let myself slip deeper into the bath. It's too big and empty without you. I slip further down into the warm water, trying to judge the temperature just for something to do. Blood temperature? It's not too warm, I don't like it hot. But it's getting cooler now. How long have I been in here? How long have you been gone? Are you thinking of me?

…Of course you're not.

I hope that your lighter will still work. It got submerged in the water without my realising it. Too late now, I'll buy you another if it's ruined. One thing that I can offer you is money, which is thankfully the only thing you want from me. It works perfectly.

Perfect. Funny. If our set up is working perfectly then why…why am I sinking further into the bath? Why am I crying as I try to desperately recall memories of our encounters? Why does my heart feel like it's breaking when all it takes is an envelope of money to get you here? Why…

…Because my money can only buy your body, not you.

Sayonara bye bye…Shin…I hope you can take enough to buy a new lighter. I'd like to be buried with this one, just as a reminder that I could never have you.

Please review.

My first NANA fic. I love ShinxReira and I'm RPing as Reira so of course I had to write something with my newfound favourite pairing. Feedback would be appreciated, I intend to do another chapter for this.

Completed: 6th September 2007

Mayoki