If she was suppose to lead a life of pain and confusion...why was she so numb on the inside?
This was the only thing she could ask herself nowadays...it was her Christmas break. She was suppose to be having a merry time. Spending memory making moments with her closest friends and family...drinking egg-nog until she was sick. It was usually like that around the Holidays. Not this year though...she wasn't feel a bit cheery at all.
She was thinking about the events of one year ago...over one year ago actually. She had wanted to forget about everything that had happened. She had blocked it out of her mind..until now that is.
Everything had seemed to be back to normal. That one man...the one who had ruined her life. Secretly broken her heart..he had been gone for what seemed like months. She had never been meant for him anyway. Her one true love had also gone away. Not like she wanted to compare or anything. They were far from being comparable.
She had tried so hard to forget about Rick's death...she had witnessed it. She had held his lifeless body in her arms; crying out for help. Hoping he wouldn't die...even though she despised his so much...she could not bearing seeing a life be taken. Her wishes never became though. He had lost his life...she felt like she had been holding his life in her hands. Like she was responsible of him for those few moment...and she had just let him go.
She remembered going into her almost comatose state...everything had been out of place.
Emulsified and somber. She hadn't been able to leave her bedroom for days...her little sanctuary. In that sanctuary she had felt safe. Her little secluded world. Free from all the dirty bastard roaming around. All but one...Jayson Hogart.
Jay..Jay..Jay..
Oh, how it made her sick thinking of him. She had never wanted to start anything with him. It had seemed outrageous..at the time that is. He had came for her though. He had wanted to save her...he had actually helped her out somewhat. And after that..he was gone once again. Like water.
Evaporating.
He was evanescent. He was intolerable. He was ruthless...he was hazardous like a cigarette. With one kiss he would bring you closer to death. It would of been smart to drink a quart of cyanide...he was as dangerous as that.
He was aphid.
His venom would immortally flow through her veins.
But he was just so beautiful...and this frightened her more than anything. It confused her also. Did she only think these things because he had walked away? Because he had just suddenly disappeared? Maybe she was comparing him to Sean. Maybe she was...
Her eyes floated over to her bedroom window. Snow was gusting in every direction. The sky was opaque. Cloudy like her mind. It was then that she realized something...she was doing it again. She was isolating herself from the outer world.
It was starting again. The cycle was going to repeat itself.
No...it couldn't. Not again. Never, never, never...never. She would not let this happen again.
Jumping off her bed, she rushed toward her bedroom door. The sound of her stomping feet ricocheted off the steps; bouncing at the walls. There was no need for anyone to know she was leaving...there was no need at all. They wouldn't be worried. They never were anyway...
She met the outside world once again. Her feet sunk in the snow covered ground. Her feet froze quickly. Not even a pair of thickly padded shoes could protect her from the cold.
It was then when he feet started to pick up. She was suddenly on the sidewalk...she passed through her neighborhood quickly. She had no idea where she was headed...her mind was blank. But honestly...there was only once place she could be headed.
Snowflakes grazed on her blonde head; her aquamarine eyes settled on the road in front of her...
Then it was gone. The gravel had disappeared. Everything was black. It was if the world had shut off on her. The light had just burnt out suddenly.
And all of a sudden...it was back again. And she had no idea where she was at. For a few seconds, she frantically observed the surrounding area. It didn't take long to realize where she had ended up...The cemetery.
Her expressionless eyes turned to something nearby...a grave. She had knew there would be this sort of thing around...well obviously. Considering it was a cemetery. That fact was given away immediately. It was just who's grave it was...
She pulled her body toward the grave, her gloveless hands digging into the permafrostic soil. Her clothing bound to be soaked inside-out.
When reaching her destination, she forced herself onto her knees. Her body inched closer to the gravestone, her frostbitten fingers tracing the epitaph.
Richard Christopher Murray
1988-2004
Beloved son
Her eyes filled with tears without warning. Her lips quivered. The tears stung horribly..it felt as if she hadn't cried in years. As if everything had been building up to this moment...the moment she faced everything. The moment she faced the once person who had helped cause this pain...the one who had helped ruin her life.
Why did it have to be like this? Why had he died? Why hadn't he lived? He should of suffered the consequences..he had taken drastic measures. He may have been hurting but killing someone was never the answer...especially when it put your own life in danger.
Especially when it put her life in danger.
Wow...isn't that admirable? Wanting him to suffer because she did...but the one thing she couldn't see was the most important...he had died. That was the ultimate form of suffering. He had nothing to look forward to in life. He had no life at all.
Her tears flowed down the center of her cheeks, icing at her chin before they could meet the snow below. She found her way to her feet. And with that she was glaring at the grave. He was in there...he was right below her feet and she could do nothing about it.
Nothing that could hurt him.
Her thoughts were fierce. She was desperately trying to find a way to shut this out of her head. To forget about it forever...when the truth was..it could never be forgotten.
Her leg raised off the snow, connecting with the tombstone. She repeated the action for minutes...barely being able to tell she was actually doing it.
She kept going and going..and going..and going..
Until suddenly...she was stopped. A pair of arms wrapped around her body. Strong arms. Arms so familiar. She struggled. Desperately trying to find a way out of this position.
But she finally gave up...she just gave up everything. Her tears continued to flow once again; letting her body be protected. She cried like a child for minutes...for time that seemed to go on forever. And she hadn't even made contact with the person holding her.
In any other situation, she would have done that the moment she had been touched. But not now...not now because she knew who it was. She wasn't an idiot. She knew it was him..
She knew it was Jay.
Finally building the needed courage up, she turned her blood-shot eyes toward him. And she had been right...Jay Hogart. It was the one person she seemed to loathe so much but deep inside...she loved him.
She loved him so much. So deeply. It was too scary to think about and that was why she had never thought about it. Why she had never considered it a possibility. Until now.
Her lips trembled, trying to get the right words out. Trying to get her feeling out...it was just so hard though. "Jay..."
The boy pushed hair out of his eyes. His stare met hers. Those eyes were so intense...they held as much pain as she was feeling at the moment. Seeing her this way made him feel just as much.
"I'm here. I'm here, baby." He lulled, rocking her like a child.
She blinked slightly, not knowing what to say. Her mind still felt blank. Her conscious was yelling at her though. Yelling the tell him everything she was feeling. "Where'd you go? Why'd you leave me?" She stuttered.
He shook his head slightly. "That isn't important now. I need to get you home, Emma. You get sick."
She retreated though. She needed to know why he had left. She wouldn't let him take her. She'd do everything to stop him. She'd kick; she's scream; she'd bite. Anything possible. "No..tell me. Why did you leave?"
The wind seemed to stop. Everything became still for once slight second before becoming worse than before. "I left..I left because.."
She waited for him to tell her. She needed to know even though deep in her heart...deep in the pit of her soul..she knew the answer to that question. "I left because of you. You were too much."
His words stung her. It was like a shard of ice had slapped off the back of her neck. She didn't realize what he really meant though. She had taken it the wrong way. She always seemed to and he knew it too.
"No..I didn't mean it that way." He retorted, sighing slightly. This wasn't how it was suppose to work out. It was suppose to go by smoothly...to hell with that.
"Then what did you mean?" She asked, more tears spilling from her eyes. "Do you hate me? Do you resent ever wanting to be with me? Come on, Jay. Tell me what you meant." She wanted so much for him to say he loved her...so much. But the confusing thing was...she
had been thinking about how much she hated him earlier.
Was she schizophrenic? Was she going crazy? Or was it just her love for him finally taking over?
He shook his head furiously. "No, no, no. Not at all." He began to feel the pressure. Everything became hotter. It was like a fire was being burnt at the back of his neck. "I..I..love you, Emma. Are you happy now? I said it. I left because I was afraid. I had
no idea why I was feeling so deeply for you. Why I was feeling that way but now I know why and I want to know if you feel the same way."
She didn't know what to say. She was speechless. Actually...she realized not saying a word would be the smartest thing. Her only action was one that said it all...everything she was feeling. It made him realize she felt the exact same way.
She brought her still quivering lips upon him. Her eyes gazed into his. They were so deep. He was so mysterious...it was that mystery...it was all in that. It made him so alluring to her.
Her lips still tasted of citrus fruit. They were still so luscious. He wanted to freeze this moment. Hang it in time forever. But that wasn't possible. It was far from being.
She pulled away from him, a small smile forming on her lips. Here she was...in the arms of her love. The one person she had thought as an enemy until only minutes before. It was funny how opinions could change so quickly.
No...it couldn't of been that way. She obviously had been holding these feelings in. Her heart was no bursting with joy and happiness. The Holiday cheer was beginning to take over.
He smiled somewhat, his eyes gleaming with happiness. Something she had never seen floating in them before. It seemed to genuine. "I'm going to help you home, okay? You can't get sick."
She nodded slightly. She tried to bring herself to her feet. It was just too hard to though. She was too fragile. To weak. He noticed this too. Frowning, he wrapped his arms more tightly around her thin frame, pulling himself to his feet.
She stood as steadily as she could as he wrapped his coat around her. It was almost as delightful as being in his embrace. "You ready to go?" he retorted, helping her place an arm through his coat sleeve.
She nodded, silently smiling at him. But before they started off..she knew she had to tell him something. She just knew she had to. "Jay?"
He turned his attention back to her, tilting his head slightly. "Hmm?"
"I love you too."
He smiled once again. The largest smile she had ever seen play on his face. And was it wonderful...he had the greatest smile.
And with that, they walked off into a void of snow and fog. Happiness radiating off of Emma. More than anyone had ever seen before. This was obviously what she had always been looking for.
He was her savior. Her true love...there was no more comparing needed anymore.