Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation nor do I own Elnur and Samir's song "Day After Day". I own only this story.
AN: Ok, people! I decided to write a sequel to the story "Cold". I hope you'll enjoy it!
Colder
Chapter 1: Eiri's Confessions
I'm so confused and sad these days. My inspiration disappeared all of a sudden. Everything I write, I can throw down the toilet. Nothing is good enough.
I look at him and he looks at me and I know he understands. I know he knows all my darkest secrets only by looking in my eyes. He's good at reading them and I know that there isn't a single thing that he cannot discover by looking into them.
I know he knows and I know that he's sad. I know that his love will turn into hate, for when I look into those amethyst depths, I see endless pain and disbelief.
He is my entity, though, but I've never learned to commit to one person only and he is aware of that fact. I close my eyes, for I cannot bear to look at him, all broken, pretending that nothing is happening and that this is just another ordinary day.
"Lacking inspiration?" he asks and I have to look at him, in order to answer his question. He knows me too well. I am not enigma anymore.
"Sort of." I reply, emotionless tone in my voice and bitterness on my tongue.
Such a contradictory to love someone, yet to betray them. I cannot describe how much the boy (well, a grown up man now) means to me and how much he helps me to get through all my depressions and writer's blocks.
I'm so grateful, I'm so in love, yet I cannot make myself to commit only to him, to adore his body only and nobody else's. And he knows my secret.
He knows, and he forgives and that makes me more sorrowful than before, it makes me hate myself.
I tried to kill myself once, by cutting my vanes, but he was there, all in tears, tying my wrists with some white clothes. As I was watching the white cloth becoming red, I knew that that was love and nothing else; the purest, the brightest, the real one. Sure, anybody could and would try to help me, but his desperate cries made me distinguish his devotion from other people's.
He didn't love me.
He adored me.
HE worshiped me.
He still does.
But can you imagine what is like to wake up every morning, knowing that you're a scum, a worthless scum, who has someone so precious.
Shuichi knows, yet he never makes a scene. He never acknowledges that he knows.
And that's killing me. He's desperately trying to persuade himself that this isn't happening, that I'm not cheating on him, that everything is in a perfect order. But I'm not fine with it.
Every time I wake up, he's not beside me. We stopped having sex or even kissing. He says that he's too busy with the band, therefore is so tired. But I know that he's disgusted, utterly, utterly disgusted with me. I know he's afraid of some kind of a disease that I might have.
The very thought that he's disgusted with me hurts me. I know that I don't have any rights to be hurt, yet it's killing me from the inside. I am an asshole and I'm not proud of it anymore. But I cannot stop being one.
Shuichi is distant and disappointed. I promised I would change and I believed in my promise. But I suppose that a man shouldn't give another shot to a bastard such as me. I simply do not deserve to be happy and loved.
Shuichi never cries, never expresses any kind of his current emotional status within his songs. They rather seem cheerful. The crowd is happy we're happy. If only they knew what's behind the façade.
Shuichi is not as he used to be before.
He's much more mature now. I'm so proud of him.
"You're in perfect health", the doctor told me. I decided I would stop cheating on Shuichi, so I went to the doctor to check if everything is fine with me.
That was a month ago. But I couldn't get rid of my old and very terrifying habit.
I know that Shuichi knows everything. He knows my eyes. He knows my soul.
I heard the other day on a radio a recent song of his. It tells about devil and angel, who are on each side of the person's shoulder, telling them what to do. I suppose that I was always led by devil.
For peace we pray
Save us from all fears
Oh Lord! Save us!
Shuichi's philosophy of life was always something that amused me the most. From a rebellious brat he started thinking about more mature things. This song seemed so religious to me.
I know that Shuichi changes every time he's in big psychological crisis.
You can feel me in your mind
With every breath you take
Burn the earth by flame of sins
I'll make you feel dismay
He knows all my sins and what tempts me the most. He knows how to deal with his anger. Shuichi's philosophy of angel and devil that represent conscience is a bit cliché, but he shows it in a unique way, throughout this song, through my example.
Our feelings play with us
But you must keep yourself under control
If you're searching for resolves
Be ready for the tolls
I can read between the lines and I know that he's up to something. He shows no hurt, but I know it is there.
I cheat on Shuichi and he knows.
Show us the right way
Day after day
All fears we must forget
Then better world we'll get
But somehow he manages to be cheerful and his old self. I admire him.
He's so beautiful, like an icon. He is saint to me, yet I destroy him.
If you have the greatest aim
Keep it in your soul
I'll be always by your side
Always in your heart
He possesses the fire of indescribable strength and energy; he is so full of life; he flies to the stars and back with his voice, with his trembling lashes and dancing tears.
Shuichi never cries.
But somehow, his soul does and I can see it.
Our dreams can play with us
Even if we think that we keep control
From all horrors in the world
Salvation is love!
I love my small lover. I love him so much that I can barely stand it. Yesterday, his voice on the radio was so powerful. I realized that his voice is the only thing that keeps me in life.
The earth in flame
And you must share the blame
Tonight I'm meeting with Veronica. Such a juicy ass and puss and everything else! And then, tomorrow, I'm meeting Aizawa Taki, the man who raped Shuichi with bunch of others.
Look inside yourself
We both are there
Day after day
There is no voice to tell me otherwise.
I'm gonna fuck up his pretty face and do all other stuff. I'm gonna destroy him. This time, for real. At least one good deed from my part.
It is sad, isn't it?
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AN: Well, that would be it for this chapter. I want this story to be successful as its prequel, so I would appreciate if you review.
I will continue this if I receive at least 4 reviews per chapter (I'm not asking much, aren't I?).