Pizzas
It was the end of the day in the Akatsuki lair. The sun was setting slowly, and all the members knew what that meant.
Konan's home-cooked dinner.
Though no one ever said so, all were thankful beyond all comparison that they had Konan hear to make actually bearable dinners. Pain especially, because as much as he hated to admit it, he could cook pretty darn good himself. Of course he'd never dare cook for any of the rowdy Akatsuki members, no sir, not Pain. He knew better than to put himself out for accusations on his COOKING.
Today, however, Konan had left to vacation God-knows-where, leaving behind a Pain that doesn't know what to do. Everyone knew Konan had left, and, well, they didn't know what was going to happen for dinner. They just knew that it had better be good, or there'd be… problems.
As the members walked for the kitchen, Hidan was openly contemplation what was going to happen.
"Maybe they'll cook Tobi." He said threateningly, glancing at Tobi with a grin. Tobi's eyes, though you couldn't see them, widened considerably, and he took a step closer to Deidara.
"Umm, Deidara-senpai…" Tobi whispered, his eyes locked on the Jashinist who was making claws with his hands and grinning widely.
"Tobi, do you really think Hidan would do that, un?" he asked wearily.
"YES!" blurted out Tobi.
Deidara continued on in silence, noticing that Tobi was right. Hidan would probably do that.
"Maybe Konan shipped over food from wherever she is." Kisame said thoughtfully.
"Oh thank God, all our problems would be solved." Kakuzu commented, than added quietly, "Long as there's no shipping and handling fees involved, that is…"
"What if she sent fruitcakes." Tobi said.
"Idiot, it's not even close to Christmas, and I'd track her down and kill her if she HAD sent FRUITCAKES." Hidan snarled.
"Do you really, actually believe that Konan would ship food over to the base? Really?" Itachi asked, raising his eyebrows.
Everyone continued on down the hall for the kitchen silently, and Kisame snapped protectively, "Well YOU haven't exactly contributed to the pool of ideas yet!"
"Because I'm probably going to skip dinner." Itachi shot back.
"Oh, Emo Boy's going anorexic now, eh?" Hidan asked. Kisame and several others were fighting hard to keep straight faces at Hidan's remark.
Itachi, on the other hand, had turned a light shade of red. "Pssh, Hidan, quit being a stuck up brat. I'm not eating because if we don't get Konan's food, which will most likely happen, any other food will probably suck. And also, e-everyone knows I'm not EMO."
Everyone continued on, an awkward silence settling. Hidan was the first to break it: "Yeah, but that don't mean your little bro ain't…"
Itachi's blush had deepened a little more as he murmured quietly, half to himself, "I don't know for sure if he is or not…"
They walked through the entrance and sat down at the long table, each getting comfortable, Hidan even throwing his feet up onto the table, knowing that Konan couldn't nag him for it. Several minutes passed wordlessly as the members waited for their food to appear anywhere.
Finally a hungry Kakuzu demanded, "Where'd the food, dang it? I'm hungry!"
Pain walked through the door on the opposite side of the room, as if on cue. "Sorry about that." He took his seat at the table, than continued. "Since Konan isn't here, I don't really know what we're going to do about food." Half the members immediately booed. "Hey, whoa! It's not my fault, ok? I want a good dinner just as much as you."
"Well, what are we going to do now?" demanded Kisame, folding his arms.
"Ideas, anyone?" Pain asked.
"We could go to Chuck E. Cheese and-" Tobi began, but was cut off as he saw Hidan's glare directed his way.
"I say we go to Buffalo Wild Wings." Itachi suggested.
"I say you're a sissy for suggesting that," Hidan snapped, "Any true man wouldn't go to Buffalo Wild Wings, but to a strip club-"
"Hidan," Kakuzu interrupted, "we're not going to a strip club". Hidan glared at Kakuzu, than folded his arms, "Well, let's see any better ideas than that! You'll see, there aren't-"
"What about Pizza Hut, un." Deidara suggested.
"I second that!" shouted Itachi, bolting up from his chair and raising his hand.
"Me too." Kisame said.
Pain looked at Hidan and Kakuzu. "You two?"
Hidan rolled his eyes as he said, "As long as we get the fu***** wings, I'm fine, I guess. Stupid morons don't want to go to-"
"I'm fine also, as long as I'm not paying. Remember what happened last time?" Kakuzu asked, a wary look making its way into his eyes.
Pain shuddered at the memory. Someone had used Kakuzu's money to pay for the dinner at Cracker Barrel. Sometimes that bill seems fine for three people and under, but for seven hungry men…
The outcome was horrifying.
"Right, I'll pay for it myself." Pain said quickly. He stood up and grabbed the phone, tossing it to Itachi. "I trust you'll keep the bill under $500, Itachi."
"Right." Itachi said. Pain walked out of the room.
As soon as the door closed, Kakuzu jumped up, "Well that's fine if he's going to pay for it himself! Let's get seventeen large pizzas, ten boxes of medium chicken wings, fourteen cokes-"
Hidan was practically ready to tackle Kakuzu. "What makes YOU feel so in charge all of a sudden? I say we make the wings hot, and let's get fourteen MOUNTAIN DEWS, NOT COKE-"
"Mountain Dew is for losers, Hidan," Kisame snickered, "Only real men drink Dr. Pepper over Mountain Dew. Puts some hair on your chest-"
"I think we should get Pepsi, and Kisame, I thought sharks didn't grow hair?" Deidara said thoughtfully.
Kisame raised his eyebrows to Deidara, and pointed to his head, which was full of long, pointy blue hair.
"Well duh, un, but I mean, hair on your chest?" Deidara asked.
"He doesn't have any." Hidan laughed, leaning back in his chair.
"Neither do you." Kakuzu pointed out.
Hidan jumped from his chair and pointed an accusing finger at the stitched-up man: "I could if I wanted to! And you're one to talk, running around without even any armpit hair-"
"Wanna watch me grow a mustache and a beard?" Kakuzu demanded. Tons of thin black stiches burst through his upper lip and his chin. "THAT'S hair."
Deidara, laughing at the whole scene that was playing out in front of him, earned a loud, hard smack in his face from an even more-angered Hidan, sending him to the floor. Kisame, who had also been laughing, bit his lip as he grinned, trying to keep in his laughter.
"I don't see no fu***** chest hair." Hidan said finally, crossing his arms.
Stitches of all sizes burst through Kakuzu's shirt, where his chest would be (if he was human). Kakuzu put on a sarcastically-surprised face, and looked at Hidan, pointing to his chest. "Proved you wrong."
"THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU AREN'T HUMAN!" shouted Hidan.
"Correction: I'm half human, half manly hair-"
By this time, itachi had long exited the room to call Pizza Hut in silence.
…Later…
"So what'd you get, un?" Deidara asked as Itachi walked back in the room. Kakuzu's mustache, beard, and chest hair had disappeared, and he had stitched up his cloak. Hidan, still fuming, had his arms crossed tightly and was glaring at Kakuzu. Tobi was watching a moth flutter high on the ceiling near the lights. Pain had also entered the room, and was sitting in his spot.
"Four large pizzas, three of them pepperoni, one Hawaiian, seven extra-large Diet Cokes, five boxes of medium wings, and some cinnamon roll sticks."
"Good. Now we wait-" Pain started to say, but Kisame interrupted him.
"I'm tired of waiting. Next thing you know, Kakuzu's going to start showing off his hair-"
"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT." Pain said loudly, glaring at Kisame. Kisame quieted.
Itachi sat down, but at that moment the doorbell rang. All members immediately stood up, but it was Pain who answered the door.
A young, pimple-faced teenage boy stood there, slouched over slightly, barely managing to holding everything.
"Dude, so I've got-" he started to say, when he saw Pain's face. His eyes widened in disbelief at all of Pain's piercings.
"Du-u-u-ude! That is sick! What size gauges are those?" he asked.
Pain raised his eyebrows, "Wait, what?"
"You're nose plugs, man. What size are those?"
Pain paused a moment, then sighed, "Just give me my pizzas."
The boy shrugged and handed the order to him, "Right, ok man. So you're Mr. Skunkafrinkidink?"
Pain paused another moment, then said, "Skunkafrinkidink?"
"Yeah, man. That's what you said when you called, you're last name was Skunkafrinkidink."
Pain was rubbing his head wearily. He was going to kill Itachi. "Sure, yeah, whatever. Where do I pay?"
"Sign here, Mr. Skunkafrinkidink." The teenager was obviously getting a kick out of this name.
Pain sighed again and signed the receipt, than took the pizzas and slammed the door shut just as the teen was saying: "So really, dude, what size are those?"
Pain walked back into the kitchen, where all the members were bent over slightly, some shaking with laughter. Pain knew itachi had just let them in on his prank.
Pain rolled his eyes and sat down at the table, starting to un-stack the pizzas.
"So, how much was the cost, Mr. Skunkafrinkidink?" Kisame asked, stuttering with laughter as he said Pain's new name.
"Around $328.24, Kisame." Pain said. Kisame broke down with laughter as Kakuzu started to, also.
Annoyed by this, Pain immediately snapped and lied angrily, "Oh, Kakuzu, by the way, I used your money to pay for them."
Kakuzu stopped immediately and looked up, "Wait, wha-"
"Dinner's here, and if you guys want it, stop with the nickname." Pain said. Everyone started to ease to a stop.
He got out the pizzas and passed the boxes around the table so each member could get what they wanted. Everything started slowly turning back to normal.
"Where are my fu***** wings?" demanded Hidan as he shoved the pizza box to his right.
"Maybe if you tried working a little bit and looking for them, you'd find them across the table." Itachi snapped.
"I've been working all day and THIS is my fu***** reply for when I asked for my chicken wings?" roared Hidan.
"Hidan, shut up. You slept through the whole day." Kakuzu said.
"Maybe I would've worked if someone hadn't been fu***** snoring all night last night, keeping me up, and then causing me to fall back asleep once that person got out of the room-"
"Would you two stop bickering for at least a moment?" asked Deidara. "Here's your chicken wings."
Deidara handed a box of chicken wings to Hidan, who immediately tore the box open and bit into the first one he grabbed. Peace and silence had actually settled over the Akatsuki.
After about fifteen minutes, Tobi broke the silence. "Where's the coke you ordered, Itachi senpai?"
Itachi paused mid-chew of his pizza as he looked up at the table, "It's right there, To-" He stopped, his red eyes scanning the table-top. No coke was in sight.
"Those stupid idiots, they must have forgotten the coke." he seethed.
Hidan practically dropped the chicken wings, "Wha-?"
"Well that's just great!" Kisame snarled, throwing his hands up into the air, "Now what the heck are we going to drink?"
"Let me call, un." Deidara sighed. Itachi handed him the phone, and he typed the number. A few moments passed, then Deidara said, "Hey, un, we ordered just a minute ago, but when we got our food, we didn't have any coke." A moment of silence passed, then Deidara asked, "What? What do you mean, you can't do that? You can't do what, finish up our order-"
"Gimme the phone, Girl-boy." Hidan snarled, snatching the phone out of Deidara's hands.
Deidara glanced at itachi, who raised his eyebrows.
"Listen here, you little bed wetter, I want what I paid for, and if I don't get it within the next fifteen fu***** minutes-… No I don't want my money back, I want the God-damned coke! Oh, what's that? It's under the name Skunkafrinkidink- Oh, so now Zitty McPimpleface is laughing, huh? I swear, if you don't get this fu***** coke out here, I'll spread the worst fu***** rumors about your business, and you'll be the center of them!" A few minutes of silence passed, than Hidan said, "Yeah, come to think of it, I do fu***** want a few extra drinks. How many? What do you mean, how many? When I say few I mean OVER FIVE. … Yeah, keep your 'good day's to yourself, fu***** punk, you're gonna need them."
Hidan slammed the phone down on the receiver, and crossed his arms with a proud look at Deidara. "THAT'S how you ask for what you should've got."
Deidara sunk in his seat a little bit, glaring at Hidan as he continued, "Now if it wasn't for ME, you all wouldn't have received the seven cokes, plus and extra five. Am I good, or am I REAL good?"
All the members sighed inwardly and exchanged weary glances, but Tobi happily said, "REAL good, Hidan-senpai!"
About five minutes had passed after that when the doorbell rang once again. Itachi started standing up to get the door, when Hidan said: "I'll get it."
He kicked open the door to reveal a wide-eyed teen, the same as before, staring back, about twelve drinks stacked together in his arms.
"Here you go, sir! I apologize!" the boy said quickly, handing Hidan all of them. He started to back up. "Now if that's all, I'll be off-"
"Hey, wait just a second." Hidan demanded. The teen stopped, paling slightly.
"Y-yeah?"
Hidan, a pro at scaring people of all ages, said quietly, "Now I want your heart."
That was it. The teen turned on his heel and ran for his car, screaming. Hidan had dropped the pizzas and was running after him, purposely going slowly, because everyone knew Hidan would have easily caught the frightened boy in one bound. The teen slammed his door shut and locked it, and Hidan pretended to claw at the window while baring his teeth. The teen let out another terrified scream and slammed his foot on the gas, causing his car to launch forward. It had disappeared from sight in no less than two minutes.
"You know there's a speed limit," Hidan shouted after him, "And warn that good-for-nothing Pizza Hut of yours to get our orders straight next time."
He walked back in and passed out the coke to the Akatsuki, and then sat down with three in his hands. Deidara noticed this and asked: "Hey, un, why do you get three cokes?"
Hidan, leaning far back in his chair, glared at Deidara, "In case you haven't noticed, I was the one who just got all this stuff for you guys. Be a little grateful."
Deidara rolled his eyes at the remark. He could easily recall several times when HE'D done things for HIDAN, and Hidan hadn't been grateful in the least. Even just a 'thank you' would be appreciated… Especially when Deidara had let Hidan try to 'train' his new dog, and Hidan had returned the dog, well, what was left of it with the comment, "Stupid mutt couldn't take my training, how about getting a dog that can actually fight?"
Deidara shuddered.
Soon, much to the Akatsuki members' dismay, all pizzas were gone. But it seemed that Tobi, with that little bit of magical happiness he has, easily brightened everyone's moods.
"Yay! Now time for the cinnamon sticks!"
He reached over and grabbed a box, than happily gave one to Deidara. "One for Deidara-senpai, because he's the best partner in the whole world-"
"THANK YOU, Tobi." Deidara interrupted, taking the cinnamon roll. By that time, everyone had started eating them.
But the peace and tranquility didn't last long. The frosting that had come with the cinnamon rolls was running low in everyone's cups.
And when that happens, my friend, it means a fight to the death for the last bite of the sweet, sugary goodness that is cinnamon roll frosting.
"Hey, Kisame," Itachi said, his mouth full of cinnamon roll. "Can I have some of yo' frosting?"
Kisame looked sadly at the little bit of frosting left in his cup. He couldn't give that up. That would mean that he would have to eat a cinnamon roll stick all plain and dry and-
"No." Kisame said, sweeping the last of it up with his own roll. Itachi, not expecting that answer, narrowed his eyes as he looked at his own cinnamon roll. He still had half a cinnamon roll stick to go, and no frosting.
"Oh, so no, huh?" itachi asked, determined to make Kisame feel guilty of what he had just said, "No? Fine! And I guess if we were both stranded out in the middle of the desert, and you had the bottle of water and I was dying, than you'd say 'no' to that too, huh?"
Kisame rolled his eyes, expecting that remark. "Yeah, I would, actually. Because I'd be dying a more painful death than you, because I, alas, am part fish. So yes, I'd drink the last of the water."
Itachi was staring at Kisame, his mouth agape. Betrayed, and by his own partner. The one person that he was supposed to count on to keep him alive.
He, Itachi Uchiha, had been betrayed.
"I can't stand to even look at you!" Itachi cried jokingly, slinging his arm over his eyes as the other blocked Kisame, "I just can't stand it! How could you betray me like that, Kisame? How?"
"It's easy to betray someone, Itachi." Hidan said from across the table, earning the twos' attention. Than they noticed he had two cups of frosting, one already out, the other half full. Itachi glanced at Kakuzu, who was sipping on a coke, and noticed that he had been drinking coke for the past few minutes. That means he hadn't eaten any of his frosting, and Hidan probably would've snatched it from him since his attention was diverted, and…
"Kakuzu, Hidan stole your frosting." Itachi pointed out, pointing to Hidan with the half of his cinnamon roll. Hidan's eyes widened at the sudden accusation.
"Wait, what? No I-" Hidan glanced at Kakuzu, who was now glaring at Hidan. "Pssh, I've never done such a thing!"
"That's my frosting, isn't it, Hidan?" Kakuzu asked, his gaze turning to the cup in Hidan's hand. Hidan paused a moment, then laughed.
"Of course it isn't, Kakuzu! I mean, I- you-" he stopped, then snapped, "Yeah, and what are you going to do about it?"
Kakuzu's eyes narrowed as he began to speak, but Pain cut them all off.
"Itachi, I hate saying this, but this was a good idea. A really good idea. I haven't had wings like those in a long, LONG time… I thank you."
Just as Itachi was about to reply, someone walked through the door and said, "What was a good idea?"
Everyone looked at the figure, and sunk into their seats in a combination of embarrassment, weariness, and the horrifying feeling of flat-out stupidity. Konan now stood next to the table.
"Why'd you get Pizza Hut? I was about to make-"
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE." Hidan was the first to speak their thoughts, jumping from his chair. "You were on vacation!"
"No, I don't go on vacation until TOMORROW." Konan corrected. "I was out today, looking for a new suitcase. Mine had torn."
Everyone noticed the dark purple suitcase she was carrying.
"You thought I had left today?" she asked.
"Thought?" demanded Pain, "You yourself had said you were leaving today!"
"Correction, it was four in the morning when I had talked to you about this, so you probably were too tired to remember exactly what I said. I had said, word for word, 'I'm going shopping today to look for a new suitcase, since mine had ripped.'."
"That's it," Deidara announced, standing up and walking tiredly for the door, "I'm going to sleep, un."
"Good idea." Kisame agreed, standing up, followed by the rest of the Akatsuki members, leaving Konan and Pain to argue about what Konan had said.
As they walked through the halls, heading for their own rooms, Kisame admitted quietly to Itachi, "Though I really like Konan's food, dinner was actually pretty good."
"And interesting," Itachi added thoughtfully, "We should do this again tomorrow."
"I agree."