A/N: For my sister, sdiamondstarlove. I'm sorry that it took so long and thank you for putting up with my high levels of procrastination. Anyways, I killed three birds with one stone with this story: I wrote this for my sister, I had to turn in a realistic story for writing class so I used this (I let my professor know that I was going to post it online so I can avoid any problems), and I wrote a story for FrUk Week! I feel so great about it. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this as much as I did (It has been such a long time since I wrote a FrUK pairing. I think it has been six years since I wrote about!) I'm sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes. Sorry, if this is not so shippy! Oh yes, this story has to deal with PTSD (well not so much; I somewhat hinted at it), I'm sorry if I'm as accurate about this illness but I did do some research and I'm a psychology student so some of my classes touched on this topic but not so much in depth. I'm going to take a class next semester that delves deeper into PTSD and other mental illnesses. So then I can have better knowledge on it, you know! Well, thanks!
All characters in this story belongs to Hidekaz Himaruya.
Every so often while Francis is cooking dinner for the evening; peeling the garlic and washing the herbs before he places them in the boiling water; he will often ponder about his relationship with Arthur: from the start to now. More so, he wonders why he continues to stay with Arthur even though Arthur's re-experiencing symptoms at times are quite the hassle and sometimes it will leave him feeling drained. Often, he will think about the arguments they would have when the symptoms just become too unbearable which usually ended with Francis leaving the room to cool down before re-entering the room to console Arthur, who would bite down on his lips to stifle down his sobs, by covering his ears with his hands, letting him hear the sound of the ocean. After all, the ocean always soothe a weary heart. Then, Arthur would fall asleep and Francis would then put him in his bed and turned off the lights. Sometimes, he wants to talk to friends about this aspect of his relationship, but he never did because he's a private person and it won't be fair to Arthur since it's not his fault. There are times when Francis wants to tell him to get over it - one time he almost did - but he always stops himself because the past is never something that anyone can just get over with, because he doesn't want to hurt him and see him cry.
Perhaps, it is reasons such as these where Francis hates to hurt Arthur is why he chooses to stay. Or maybe, it is from the fact that deep down inside he pities him and can't bring himself to admit it. Francis is not too sure but what he's sure of is that emerging warmth that builds up in his chest when they are together on those days where there isn't an argument and everything is still as they curl up against each other on the couch, watching a film with the volume on mute. (On those quiet days, Arthur prefers to have the volume set on mute because it makes it easier to relax. Francis doesn't mind it at all, on the contrary, he enjoys it a lot.) That warmth always manage to come at the end, almost as if it's trying to tell him to have more faith in Arthur for one day he'll overcome it. Francis opens the cabinets and pulls out a frying pan, sets it over the flame, let it heat up before adding the extra virgin olive oil and frying the beef. The beef sizzles on the pan, the tantalizing aroma fills the air as he reaches over for the salt. It is then that he hears an outburst following by the sounds of breaking glass. Francis almost drops the salt as he quickly turns off the stove and then sprints out of the kitchen and into the living room.
In the living room, Francis sees Arthur on his knees, picking up the glass shards on the floor as quickly as his hands can move, stupidly ignoring the small cuts that the glass shards give him. Once his hands collect as many shards as it can possibly hold, he dumps them in the remains of the vase laying right next to him. The vase was an old gift that Francis had gave him a little after their first year of dating. He gave to him as a present so he could have a head start on cultivating a house plant since Arthur had always expressed his interest in taking care of a house plant since it would give him a distraction when the symptoms came back. Yet, he never used the vase for a plant instead he would only used it for the bouquets he would received on each Valentine's day until it died and he would then throw it out. Francis had asked him why he used the vase the way he did. And Arthur told him 'because it's a special gift from you and I don't want it to get dirty with the mud.' He told him this with such a huge smile on his face that Francis was at a loss for words. Sometimes, Francis wishes there are more days like that instead of days like now then maybe it doesn't have to hurt so much when he thinks about his relationship with Arthur especially when the symptoms rise up again. Shaking his head, Francis sighs as he walks over to his beloved, crouches down to his level. He rests his hands on top of Arthur's hands, stopping him from continuing.
"That's enough; there's no more glass on the floor." Francis says after a while. "It's okay, now."
Arthur frowns, snatches his hands away and searches for more glass fragment, certain that there's a shard or two still on the ground. Thoughts of what ifs run in his head as he looks around the surrounding area: 'What if Francis get hurt? What if he's mad that I broke the vase? What if he's fed up? What's if he leaves?' His vision becomes blurry, he bites down on his lips, he's shaking. Francis holds on to his shoulders now and Arthur calms down just a bit and he refuses to look at him. "I didn't mean to break it. It's just that... " He trails off.
"It's just that…?" Francis asks, encouraging him to continue.
Arthur inhales and exhales, straightens his posture and faces his dearest. His hands shake as he finishes his sentence. "It's just that I don't want you to leave me."
Francis is taken back by this, his eyes widens ever so slightly and he finds himself unable to form any words as random thoughts flash across his mind. The beef is probably soaked up the oil by now and the herbs are probably more watery than it needs to be. As much as he should be worrying about the ingredients and what they are going to eat tonight, he just can't. He can't wrapped his mind around anything else but Arthur because Arthur's afraid to see him leave him. It's hurts him especially just a moment and countless times before Arthur has confessed this fear he considers if this relationship is truly worth it: the stress and all. Then he starts to feel warm inside.
His lips curve upwards into a small smile as Francis asks. "Why do you think that?" He waits for a response.
"It's because you deserve better, Francis. You deserve to be with someone who's normal. Someone who doesn't have random flashbacks or anger outbursts. Someone who you don't have to constantly argue with. You can have someone better than me."
For the second time that day, Francis's loss for words because of Arthur. Sure, there are times when he really wants to end his relationship and move on with his life with a partner that does not have so much baggage. Yet, at the same time, he doesn't want to be with anyone else but Arthur. The warmth in his chest increase even more as he imagine how life will be without Arthur in his life. He becomes sad about this as he realizes how lonely it will be without Arthur in his life, no more quiet days watching the television on mute, no more of warm feelings, no more joy. He swallows the lump in his throat and hold on to his beloved's hands.
"And you honestly think I deserve better."
Arthur nods his head. " I see how tired you look after you take care of me when the symptoms rises. You don't need that in your life."
And the warmth increases as Francis chuckles, leaning down so his forehead rests against Arthur's forehead. Their hands are still laced together.
"Arthur, even if things become rough at times between us and there are times where we hurt each other without truly wanting to do, it doesn't mean I'm going to leave you. Yes, I look tired but I'm going to leave you behind especially not right now. After all, a relationship comes with a lot of work and patience."
"But, I broke the vase!"
"A vase that can be replaced at any time. I'm not going to leave you because of that. I'm going to be with you as long as I can and I'm going to help you as much you can."
Francis covers Arthur's ears with his hands, slender fingers in his hair, and Arthur can hear the sounds of the ocean as it lulls him to a peace state. Over the sounds of the ocean, Arthur can hear Francis asking him if he can hear the ocean. He nods his head, feeling the sudden fatigue overcoming him. His eyes slowly closes as he lowers himself down so his head rests against Francis's chest and falls asleep.
The last thing Francis swears he heard Arthur says before he falls asleep is ' and through it all, it has always been you, haven't it?"
The warmth continues to increase.