Collateral Damage

by Joliemoi

Alex returns to SVU once again, forcing Olivia to make a final decision. ********* Femme slash.******** "By the third time you left I knew that I would carry the pain of your departure with me for a while until slipping into the now familiar routine of waiting for your return. That first time was the worst, though, because I had not yet learned that you would always come back."

1. Chapter 1

When your hand brushes my cheek I turn away and take a step backward. My action is deliberate, I have to consciously force my feet to move away from your space when my body wants nothing more than to sink into you. I see your lips pull down into a frown and for a fleeting moment I am astonished at your blatant presumption. I am certain that you have never been turned down in your life and I have not been an exception, that is until tonight.

The last time you left New York I swore to myself that I would stop, if not loving you, then the least I could do for myself was to stop letting you in again and again and again. Contrary to what you might expect I was never angry with you for what you did, at least not for long, because even though I would always end up as collateral damage in the wake of your leaving, I always knew it was the intensity of your love for me that made you run. Or at least that is what I would tell myself, light-headed and numb, after half a bottle of Jack Daniels and the sixth cigarette I had somehow managed to find inside the drawer cabinet. Waking up the next morning was worse than watching you leave, which was really the whole point of my juvenile behavior. I had never been a smoker, the cigarettes were a remnant of an ex girlfriend, safely tugged away behind old books and CDs I never listened to anymore. Combating the pain of your departure with something even more painful took away from its power, and on each of those morning-afters the stench of cold cigarette smoke would make my stomach turn so violently I had to run to make it to the bathroom in time. Throwing up felt like cleansing my body from your poisonous venom.

But unlike 15 years ago, this time your commanding voice does not charm me and your beauty does not blind me. The sight of your blonde hair cascading down your back and the incredible blue of your eyes radiating from behind your glasses is still enough to send shivers down my spine, but this time the ground beneath my feet remains solid and when I look up into your eyes and see your need for me, my heart does not skip and the usual exhilaration fails to surge through me. For an instant I marvel at my strength, surprised that after all these years your presence has lost some of its effect on me. When I take a step back you look surprised and I see a flicker of hurt cross your gaze. You shift your weight from one foot to another and tilt your head so that your hair falls forward and over your shoulder. You still use the same shampoo you did when we first started dating. I realize this when your scent hits my synapses and my brain translates the sweet mixture of vanilla spice and your very own essence as "home". But unlike 15 years ago, my bones feel tired and I am too exhausted for another round of the game of push-and-pull you love playing with me. Your scent may still be "home" for me, but I will not chase after you this time.

There is something that no one has told you yet, it is new and fresh and unlike you she seems dependable. This thing between her and me feels effortless, we simply clicked right away. You and I had so many fights I had stopped counting after the first couple of weeks had passed. And even though Amanda reminds me of you often, she does not share your temper and she does not run away from the people she loves.