A/N: I have decided to reread and repost this how I originally wanted it to be!
You never know who you can trust or talk to. Like this man here across from me, I love him more than anyone could ever love another person. That is the whole point of this story, forbidden, lost, unrequited… All of those things ring true for my story. A long story but a good one none the less!
Another night of sleeping on the cold hard ground and I think I will go insane! 'Grey Wardens need no comfort,' I could hear those words in a snarky little voice in my head. Why couldn't the blight happen in a nice Inn somewhere?
"Are you listening to me, Amel?" Alistair said waving a hand in front of my face. "I asked where you were from before you were conscripted."
I blinked a few times, I need to stop the inner dialog, "Sorry, I was lamenting to myself about sleeping on the ground." I gave him a seductive smile, "You should come over and warm me up Ali."
He just smirked and raised a brow. "You avoid the question"
"Fine! You want to hear it! Well here it goes." I had never told anyone this story, it was too hard to say out loud, but I hope he won't judge me.
XxXxX
I could not put this feeling in to words. My mother was too disgusted with me to say good-bye; my father, he hugged me as if he didn't know who I was. To think these people were showering me with love not even a week ago. As the Templars took me away I kept looking back to see if they looked sad. But it was relief on the faces of the ones who made me, not sadness, just relief.
The Tower came into view slowly after we walked for what felt like years. The older Templar, Martin, smiled warmly and said "Welcome to your new home, little bird. I'm sure you will come to love it like your old one." That was the last I saw of him.
I was taken to stay with all the other apprentices and that is where I met Jowen. He was a year or two older than me and we became fast friends. The years flew by and before I knew it I was four days away from eighteen. By this time I had come realized the young Templar Cullen had been watching me but then again, I had been watching him as well. I was always finding ways to get close to him. Not an easy task when you have Jowen and his constant yammering about his plans after his Harrowing. Still I would always seem to catch Cullen looking in the door when he would walk by my room.
XxXxX
"I will be a healer, I think." Jowen remarked, "How about you Amel? What do you want to do?"
"Shapeshifting" I smiled, "That way I can turn into a mouse and sneak into to Templars quarters!"
"Ha, you just want to see what's under all that metal! If you want to see a man's body so bad I could undress for you. One of those 'I'll show you mine, if you show me yours' kind of things." He smiled, the ass. "Or I could play the instructor and you the wayward pupil?"
I glared at him, "How about I play the angry girl and you the deeply sorry boy?" I laughed when he gave me the puppy dog eyes. "And I have seen a man unclothed before, not that it should matter to you!" When the words left my mouth I heard a shuffling and turned to see a red faced Cullen by the book case.
"Ah-ha! So it was you peaking in on me in the bath. You are a naughty girl." He smiled wider, "What say you, Cullen? You should spank her for such misconduct!"
Cullen jumped at Jowen's remark, "N-n-no, why would I d-do that?"
He almost ran for the door when the other Templar came to dismiss him from duty. Cullen paused in the door way to look back at me a blush across his cheeks. When he was gone I turned a look that could melt faces on Jowen, "You are such a prick did you know that?" I sighed and stood. "Stay here and think about why I will not be talking to you for the next twenty-four hours!"
"B-but I didn't mean to run off your eye candy. If he wasn't such a prude he wouldn't have been falling over himself to get out of here." He smirked, that told me her wasn't the least bid sorry for what he had done. "Anyway he should be used to the risqué talk the way he tails you like a lost puppy!" He looked at me for a moment, "You know you are my best friend in the whole world right? If you need to talk about how you like to spy on the male apprentices undressing, I am always here for you!" He was still laughing at me as I stormed out of the room.
XxXxX
'That jerk he is always trying to make me feel like a pervert. How come I'm friends with a guy like that? The constant remarks on how my robes are little too tight in the bust or how he will gladly watch my "back" as I walk out of a room. But I love him he is like the big brother I never had.' Suddenly I was lying flat on my back with stars in my eyes and a flustered Cullen was kneeling over me a worried look on his face.
"A-are you alright? I-I didn't mean for you to fall down! I j-just wanted to talk to you for a moment alone, but you never looked up… I tried to get out of your way before we collided." He said in one breath.
I sat up rubbing the back of my head. "It's fine just a bump. I was thinking and didn't hear you call my name. What did you want to talk about Cullen?" He helped me up off the floor and brushed some dust from my back. His hand grazed my bum and he snatched his hand back like he had been burned. The look on his face was a mix of guilt and pleasure.
He looked down at his feet and asked quietly, "C-could we go somewhere private to talk? I don't w-want to be overheard."
I raised a brow at him and nodded. "We could go to my room if you would like. There is a lock on the door and only Greagior has the key to get in." I smiled, "That was the only rule if I wanted a lock…"
"U-um y-yes that would work." He said, then motioned for me to lead the way. We walked in silence, the only sounds was that of my soft leather shoes and the clink of his armor. 'Why did this hall seem so much longer?' I wondered when I felt his metal clad arm brushed mine. I jolted and shot him a glance, the look on his face made me blush. He looked amused and slightly pleased with himself. The quiet was driving me crazy, 'Shouldn't there be people walking the halls?' Usually the halls are filled with people and noise, laughter and jokes. Today there was not a If you need to talk about how you like to spy on the male apprentices undressing, I am always here for you!" He was still laughing at me as I stormed out of the room.
That jerk he is always trying to make me feel like a pervert. How come I'm friends with a guy like that? The constant remarks on how my robes are little too tight in the bust or how he will gladly watch my "back" as I walk out of a room. But I love him he is like the big brother I never had. Suddenly I was lying flat on my back with stars in my eyes and a flustered Cullen kneeling over me a worried look on his face.
"A-are you alright? I-I didn't mean for you to fall down! I j-just wanted to talk to you for a moment alone, but you never looked up… I tried to get out of your way before we collided." He said in one breath.
I sat up rubbing the back of my head. "It's fine just a bump. I was thinking and didn't hear you call my name. What did you want to talk about Cullen?" He helped me up off the floor and brushed some dust from my back. His hand grazed my bum and he snatched his hand back like he had been burned. The look on his face was a mix of guilt and pleasure.
He looked down at his feet and asked quietly, "C-could we go somewhere private to talk? I don't w-want to be overheard."
I raised a brow at him and nodded. "We could go to my room if you would like. There is a lock on the door and only Greagior has the key to get in." I smiled, "That was the only rule if I wanted a lock…"
"U-um y-yes that would work." He said then motioned for me to lead the way. We walked in silence, only the sounds of my soft leather shoes and the clink of his armor. Why did this hall seem so much longer? I wondered when I felt his metal clad arm brushed mine. I jolted and shot him a glance, the look on his face made me blush. He looked amused and slightly pleased with himself. The quiet was driving me crazy, shouldn't there be people walking the halls? Usually the halls are filled with people and noise, laughter and jokes. Today there was not a soul in sight, just Cullen and I and the sound of our silence.
XxXxX
"Here we are," I said, as we came to my door. I motioned him in and he took a seat on my bed. "So, what was it you wanted to tell me that couldn't be said in the hall?" I closed and locked the door, then moved to sit next to him on the bed.
He shuffled his feet on the floor, looking at a non-existent spot not too far off from his feet. "I know it's not right, and surely it is forbidden, but I can't help myself from feeling this way," He sighed. "I think I have come to develop feelings for you and wanted you to know. Y-you see you are very beautiful, and as I said, I c-can't help myself a-around you! When I see you all I can think about is h-how I want to k-kiss you…" He trailed off looking embarrassed; he looked up at me with confused and sad eyes. "I-I know nothing can come of this attraction a-and I pray the Maker will make it go away in time but r-right now you are all I think of!"
I was in shock at what he did next, he kissed me. My first real kiss. His lips were as soft just as I had imagined they would be. The kiss was gentle and so full of untouched need. It made me feel for him what I was too afraid to feel for anyone else. 'Was this what love felt like? Like a vice on my heart?' As quickly as the kiss started it was over and I was looking at him with heavy lidded eyes. I touched my fingers to my lips and just blinked at him. "Oh," it came out on a sigh. He was looking at me like he didn't know what just happened.
"C-Cullen," I didn't know what to say to him. "I have seen you looking at me. I just wanted you to know I feel the same, flustered and nervous, when you are around. I just d-didn't know if you felt the same way." He looked overjoyed and slightly sad at the same time. I looked away, but my eyes shot back when I heard the clink of his gauntlets hitting the floor. "W-what are you do…" That was all I got out before I was entangled in another kiss. This time it was not gentle, no it was passionate and so full of feeling that it brought tears to my eyes.
One hand spanned my waist; the other cupped the nape of my neck. His fingers were ever so lightly playing with my hair. I let out a sigh and he deepened the kiss. Let this be real was all I kept thinking, let the Maker be kind and this not be a cruel joke. I did not want to wake up aching with need for the man I want but never thought I could have. If this was a dream then I might take Anders up on his offer on going with him on his next break for it. Even if it was a dream and this was some demon, trying to take my body for themselves, it wouldn't matter I could stay like this forever. In the warmth of Cullen's embrace I would be contented for life. I felt myself lying back and him covering my body with his own; something deep down inside me knew this was right; this was where I needed to be.
He rained kissed over my cheek and down my neck, nipping slightly at my pulse. A breathy sound escaped my lips before I could stop it. My hand of their own volition made their way up the cold metal of his chest piece and into his sandy colored hair. The hand on my neck snaked its way down to cup my breast, making me gasp, then his lips were back to mine for a rough kiss so full of want and need for more. Like all good things this too had to come to an end as a sound that I thought was my heart beat turned out to be someone knocking on my door.
I pushed at his shoulders breaking the kiss, "Cullen, the door!" I whispered. My eyes widened when he chuckled and rested his forehead against mine. This was the first time I heard that rich sound come from him, we looked into each other's eyes for a moment longer. He sat up and I almost wept at the loss of the feel of his weight. The knocking persisted, I fixed my hair and robe then went to the door. I cleared my throat, "Y-yes, who is it?" I asked through the door.
"Amel, you know who it is! I wanted to talk to you about our plan… I know you said you didn't want to do it but I think it will work this time." Said a voice I knew all too well. "You know we can't talk through the door someone might hear and we will be caught before we even go through with this!"
I opened the door just a crack, "Anders, could we speak about this later?" I begged.
He looked at my eyes then my lips swollen with Cullen's kisses, then at my neck… Why would he look at my neck? "Oh, I see you have company? Who is it? Jowen? I knew you two were closer then everyone thinks." He pushed the door from my grip and his mouth fell open. The self righteous smile was wiped away to shock. He pushed his way in closing the door never taking his eyes off a flustered Cullen. "What the Hell, Amel! What is going on here?" His angry gaze turned to me. "I know this can't be what I'm really seeing!"
"Uh… I-I was just l-leaving." Cullen stammered, trying to push his way past Anders.
"Anders, it's not what it looks like! W-we were just talking!" I lied.
"Ha! Not what it looks like? What it looks like is that this stuttering Chantry virgin was trying to have his way with my woman!" He yelled pointing at Cullen. "And I sure as Hell know you had better have been trying to fight him off!" He lunged at Cullen, who backed away.
"I am not your woman, Anders! And it was nothing like that, I liked it… I mean nothing happened!" I wanted nothing more than to wake up now and this all be a bad dream!
Cullen must have had enough because he stalked forward and grabbed Anders by the collar of his robes, "You are to say nothing to anyone about anything that has happened here! If you do I will defenestrate you from the Harrowing chamber!" His face was twisted with anger.
"Oh virgin boy, you lost your stutter. You want to be a big bad Templar now?" Anders let out a squeaking noise when Cullen picked him up off his feet. "Okay, okay! I give up, this never happened." Cullen let him go and Anders rubbed his neck breathing deeply. "Just remember when you suck on her neck it leaves a mark… So you have to do it somewhere lower," He looked at me and his gaze trailed from my face to my breasts. "Like those full succulent breasts!" With that he left his laughter following him from the room.
Cullen turned to me, a slightly angry look on his face, "His woman?" He shook his head.
"Cullen, no it's nothing like that! He has a crush, I think… You are the only man I have been able to think about since you came to the tower three years ago!" I walked towards him but when I went to rest my hand on his chest he shrugged me off. "Fine Templar, get out of my room!" I stomped over to the door and flung it open; pointing out to the hall like an overgrown child.
"Amel," He looked sad. "You know what just happened between us can't ever happen again… As much as I want it to work it was never meant to be." He sighed, "I love you, but I will never be able to show you, and it hurts so much. Tell Anders that he can have you, just don't touch him around me."
With that he left me, I closed the door sat on the floor and cried. I cried until there were no tears left, until I felt myself being lifted off the floor and placed on my bed. I cried even after I felt the ever familiar weight of Jowen next to me, consoling me, holding me until I felt I could cry no more. Then I would start again.
XxXxX
My eyes still puffy and red, I could feel an arm around me when I woke the next morning. A smile played over my lips until I realized the smell was not Cullen, but Jowen. Then I remembered Cullen wouldn't be here even if he wanted to! That stick up the ass Templar, would follow the rules even if I were throwing my small clothes at him and dancing naked. It was never meant to be. With that I could hear my scarred heart shatter into billions of little fragments.
"Jowen, when did you come in here?" I asked in a small voice.
"Huh? Oh I got here a little bit after Anders came and told me you were fighting with that Templar… Speaking of what was the fight about?" He asked his voice raspy from sleep.
"It seems you were right and Cullen is in l-l-love w-with m-m-me..." I buried my head in his shoulder and burst into tears.
He stroked my hair, "But isn't that a good thing? You love him too; I can tell we have known each other for thirteen years!" He kissed the top of my head, "Now tell your big brother Jowen everything, so I know the reason I have to commit murder!"
"A-Anders ruined everything, him and his big mouth! We were kissing and touching, then Sir Can't-Keep-His-Mouth-Shut came to the door and we stopped. Anders said something about me being his woman, then Cullen left all 'this will never happen again'… Then I started to cry and now here we are!" I sighed and sat up. "Why are you sleeping in here anyway? Don't let Anders know he might make you leave me too!"
He laughed, "I don't think anything, let alone a scrawny mage like Anders, could keep me away from you, my dear pet. Now I think it's time for me to talk to you about something…" He looked serious, "Tell me on the doll where the big mean Templar touched you?" He grinned, holding out a handmade doll from when I was a girl.
"You are such an ass!" I smacked his arm playfully, laughing. "I have to change so turn around." When he did I quickly changed into a tight fitting tunic and a skirt that just made it to my knees. Tying a scarf in my long chestnut hair, I turned to face Jowen. "You can look now."
"I see you feel it is time for some pay back? Shall I get Anders? It will make it ten time worse, not to mention hilarious." He asked with a wide smile on his face. The smile got bigger when I nodded.
XxXxX
"I don't think I can do this," I said later on. I crossed my arms when Anders rested his over my shoulders. "This will make everything like a million times worse."
Anders glanced over to me, "Hey this was your idea not mine! Anyway I'd do anything to help you, it's only a plus that it will make virgin boy mad." He laughed. "I can see you are trying to hide his love bite. In my experience you should put ice on it to make it go away… or you can wear a scarf like you are now."
"Don't make me hurt you!" I went back to looking at the floor, "You know, this just might make him even angrier and hate me!" I felt my heart break more with those words. As if he could hate me more than he does now? I made him break his stupid rules!
"Well if he does, you always have me and my special dance The Anders' Spicy Shimmy!" He laughed. Next thing I knew he had me pushed up on the wall whispering in my ear, "Here come your big bad Templar now, so make it look good!" With that he kissed me right on the mouth, it was a shock. This kiss was nothing like the ones Cullen gave me. It seemed almost wrong to be kissing this man. Sure he was attractive man, he smelt nice, and he liked me but there was nothing there when he kissed me. I had hoped there would have, but there wasn't. It seems all I could ever feel for Anders was friendship, nothing more.
Someone was clearing their throat, "If you wouldn't mind mage, I need to have a talk with Amel." The way he said mage, it was like poison on his tongue.
Anders just laughed, "She is all yours virgin boy." He skipped, and I mean he really skipped, down the hall towards where we were to meet up with Jowen. Cullen grabbed my arm and pulled me after him. I was livid by the time he pushed me into an empty broom closet.
He stepped in after me and shut the door; the look on his face should have killed me. "What was that? Huh? You think to gallivant around on Anders' arm like a whore!" I couldn't help myself; I raised my hand and slapped him as hard as I could across the face. For the next few seconds the only sounds were our harsh breathing and people shuffling around outside the door. "Did I not tell you not to touch him around me! How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me!" I'm not the kind of girl who likes to me manhandled but he was frightening and I wasn't about to stop him!
"A whore? You think me a whore! I'll show you a whore, first I'll sleep with Jowen, and then maybe Anders, oh I think Niall will be next! Don't give me that look I told him this would make it worse. No one listens to me, he said 'operation make Cullen jealous' wouldn't fail. But you see it did! Now you're mad and you hate me even more!" I could feel the tears start to prickle behind my eyes, but I wouldn't cry not in front of him. I tried to wriggle my way out of his grasp. "You're hurting me, so please let me go before I make an even bigger fool of myself!"
He didn't let me go; no he pulled me closer to him in a tight hug. "You will do no such thing…" Then he kissed me, I struggled at first trying to make myself not want him. This man who hated everything that I was, everything I stood for. I gave myself to the passion of this kiss when I was backed into yet another wall, wrapping my arms around him answering his questioning tongue with a parting of my lips. Putting all other things from my mind but this moment, this one time that could possibly never happen again but I knew would last me my whole life. I tried; I really did, to tell myself I didn't love him that this feeling would pass in time. I knew that it would not no matter how much I wanted it to. I knew then and there that I would go for the rest of my life loving a man that I could never have a real relationship with other than moments like this one, in a dark closet away from the real world.
XxXxX
A few days later I gave myself to him. That man I love more then all else in this world. I gave him all that I was, and knew no other man could ever take his place in my heart. As I laid there listening to the sound of his steady breathing I hoped for things that could never be. That we could run away together maybe the Wilds in the south; I hear there are many who go there to escape the Chantry, those who are never found. I knew he would never agree he could never be happy with me, not without the constant guilt of having betrayed everyone. So I will leave on a grand adventure with my dear friend Anders after they bring him back from his next failed attempt of freedom.
I never would have guessed what would happen a few short months later.
"Amel, your back I didn't know you had you Harrowing until the Templars brought you in last night." Jowen said concern on his face. "Tell me what was it like?"
"Jowen you're my best friend, and I love you but you know I can't tell you!" I smiled and added when I looked sad, "You will find out in no time. You should have yours in a matter of days."
"So much for friendship, I fear they will never give me my Harrowing. I have been here longer then you!" Jowen explained, "I think they might make me Tranquil! That is a fate worse than death!"
"No, they would never do that to you! They would miss your witty banter and smart comments if they did, then they would be finding was to turn you back!" I smiled, "So what did you need?"
"Oh yes I almost forgot, Irving wanted to see you. Before you ask, I don't know why!" He left and I made my way to the First Enchanters' office.
"Well if it isn't our newest sister in the Circle, welcome please come in." Irving said a warm smile on his face.
"First Enchanter," I greeted him.
"This is her, Irving?" Said the dark haired man, he reminded me of my father from all those years ago.
"Yes this is she, our newest mage. I have asked you here to congratulate you on your Harrowing and tell you, you have the rest of the day to rest or study." He handed me new robes, a ring, and a staff. "This is Duncan he is a Grey Warden here looking for help from the Circle for the upcoming battle."
"Oh really? I would love to help out and become a Grey Warden!" I said enthusiastically, "I want to get out of this tower and see the world, and this would be a great way to do it!"
Duncan laughed and Irving said "How about you take Duncan to his room." I nodded and lead the way down the hall. When we passed the Chapel a certain Templar came into view. I couldn't help but blush every time we passed each other or every time we accidentally touched. My heart would do flips when I saw him. He nodded to Duncan and let his eyes linger on me before he went back to looking straight at the wall across from him.
"Thank you my dear for showing me to my room." Duncan said when we reached our destination.
XxXxX
When I got back in the hall Jowen was there and asked me to meet him in the Chapel. There he introduced me to Lilly his lover or so it seemed and told me how they were going to make him Tranquil. And all I needed to do was help him by getting a rod of fire and help find his phylactery. A short time later there we were standing in front of a dilapidated wall trying to figure out how we can get in.
"That artifact, use it along with the rod of fire." Jowen said desperation filling his voice. And so I did, it worked too blew the brick down with a satisfying boom. "Now all we need to do is find my phylactery and leave."
"Okay let's get this over with, too bad mine isn't here. Otherwise I could leave with you." I tried to hide the pain and longing in my voice. "Here it is!" What he did was not part of the plan, he broke it. "Hey I thought you were going to take it with you!"
"I just have to be sure no one can find me!" Jowen said, "Now let's get going freedom is so close!"
But freedom was not there when we opened the door that lead to the main floor. There was a lot of very angry Templars and a pissed off Irving.
"It seems you were right Irving, she seems to have her own mind and is not under the thrall of this blood mage." The Knight Commander said damningly. "Take her away; this blood mage is hereby condemned to death!"
"No I won't let you take her!" Jowen yelled, stabbing his hand with a knife that was hidden in his robes he blasted back everyone.
"Y-you lied to me! How could you lie to me!" I yelled right before I lost consciousness. Betrayed, that's how I felt when I came to, Jowen had betrayed me!
Everyone was talking at once, Duncan saying something about conscription, Greagior looking angry, and Irving in his constant state of calm. "Come with me child," it was Duncan talking to me. "You are coming to become a Grey Warden"
"He lied to me," I was crying; all I could say were those four words over and over…
XxXxX
I looked at Alistair from across the crackling fire, he looked sad. I sighed and stood. "I think I might just head to bed for the night… We have a long day tomorrow."
"A-Amel? I'm sorry I made you tell me, if it makes you feel any better just know I will be there for you when we go up to the tower in the morning…" He looked across the lake to the large looming Tower.
"Thanks Alistair, I appreciate that, I would feel so much better having you with me!" I smiled and closed my tents flap, falling asleep to the thought of seeing the man I loved once again.
End Note:
There you go! I wanted this to be a oneshot but with this being my first story on this site I wasn't sure how it worked! Now I am happy with it! I may go back and do this to the second one in this trilogy not sure yet! Thanks to all of you who have reviewed and favorited this story I would be nothing with out you!
Love and Peace,
LampPostInWinter!