How to kill a fan
The adoring fan has been noted as the number one annoyance of grand champions everywhere. Some daring adventurers get fed up with the annoying fan, and murder him in cold blood, and his death can, be rather gruesome and funny, more funny than gruesome. This is an account of some of the more famous-or infamous as fanboy-lovers might say- grand champions to kill this little boy in such fasions. Why the little ass-hat respawns after he is killed is unknown, but you know what they say, "When you cut off the head of a dragon, another one grows right back"
Jesan Jarol
Imperial
Born under the sign of the Warrior
Jesan Jarol was the grand champion of the arena. He had slain lumbering orcs, clever elves, brave men, powerful nords, and even once a dremora from the planes of Oblivion themselves! But no matter how powerful, how many, and how clever his foes are-were-, he had always found a way to defeat them. But no enemy- not even Agronak-Gro-Malog, could prepare him for the foe he was about to face. The smartest enemies atack the mind, not the body, after all.
The wood-elf boy was the weakest, poorest, exuce for an elf the world had ever seen. He was wearing a dark green shirt, a pair of pants- thank god for that- and had the strangest hairdo in all of Tamerial. He could be compared to modern day "groupies", only that he didn't need any drugs to be as insane as he is. Well, most people think that he may be a bit of a skooma and moon sugar addict, but nobody knows that for sure.
The fan ran up to the grand champion, and Jesan Jarol drew his sword, supposing the boy to be a young member of the mythic dawn cult, preparing to attack Jesan, a member of the blades, on sight. But no armor appeared on the wood-elf's body, and no weapon in his hand. He did not attack Jesan, but instead, danced. It was a rather strange dance too, and many guards laughed under their breath.
" By Azura, by Azura, by Azura!", the wood-elf boy said with an extremely annoying and high pitched voice. "It's the GRAND CHAMPION!" The wood-elf boy placed extra emphasis on grand champion, well, more emphasis than he places on every other word that comes from his accursed mouth.
"What do you want you little son of Sheogorath!?", screamed Jesan Jarol, who was already annoyed, but had no idea of the trials to come.
The heresey-kiss headed wood-elf boy inhaled, and then screamed with all of his might, "What do I want? I want to shine your weapon, brush your horse, lick the dirt off your boots, and worship the ground you stand one! By Azura, I want to follow you around wherever you go and go on GRAND adventures into GRAND dungeons and hit people with your GRAND sword.! And by Azura, I want to ride on your GRAND horse when we are done that!
"Get. Away. From. Me." , Jesan Calmly explained, showing his anger in a nice way.
"By Azura, are you hungry? Because you seem a little bit grumpy." said the fan grimly, knowing he had commited an act of treason by annoying his beloved grand champion.
Jesan Jarol thought for a second. Not only was he a very powerfull warrior, but he was a great problem solver. His intellect combined with his strength made him a perfect hero.
"Hey fanboy, I was just joking! Do you want to go on a GRAND adventure or what!?" said Jesan with a grin. He thanked the nine for going to acting school.
"Yes! Yes I do, almighty grand champion! Let me hold a weapon, so you and I can vanquish foes together!", squeeled the wood-elf, not believing what had happened to him.
Jesan scanned the ground for anything to use as a weapon, and found callipers at his feat, "Here, my adoring fan, vanquish your foes with this enchanted artifact, the Callipers of Eternal Darkness!
"Where shall we go, my beloved grand champion? By Azura, I hope we go to a GRAND picnic! By Azura, I cannot wait!" screamed the excited wood-elf with a grin on his face.
Jesan Jarol knew the perfect place. Dive Rock.
Dive Rock was the pinnacle of the Jerall mountains. Jesan Jarol remembered it, when he hunted down the monster known as the "Underfykte Matron", a invisible beast, which squeels like a troll, but is more powerful than all the forces of Oblivion themselves! The icey, jutting dive-board on dive rock had been the place of many events, such as the deaths of many climbers.
"The perfect spot to kill the little jerk" Jesan thought.
The journey was uneventfull, as the hero and the fan rode on horseback- the adoring fan liked to call Jesan Jarol's horse Shadormere, Grandy- and the two finally got to the mountains.
Now, the time has come, to rid the world of this annoyance.
He swung his Akaviri katana, and time seemed to slow. The adoring fan spent his final moments doing what he does-did- best, adoring.
"By Azura, what a GRAND sword."
"I wonder if he named it"
"I bet he loves me more than it."
"By Azura, I love the grand champion."
"I bet you he want's to adopt me, or my name isn't-
The sword struck, and the fan went sprawling over the mountains, propeled by the strength of the angry champion, Finally, after an eternity of slowly falling to his doom, with bulls-eye of his own blood under him, he hit the ground with a sickening, yet satisfying, crunch. His body began down the hill.
Bounce, bounce,bounce,bounce,bounce,bounce,bounce,bounce,bounce,bounce.
That was easy.
Hope you liked it! More chapters to come!