"Severus… I'll never stop loving you." Lily said, her eyes begging him to see it her way.
"Of course you won't. But you'll never love me the right way either." Severus whispered. He knew that she would never love someone like him when she had the choice of someone like Potter. "Never."
"Sev, Sev don't. Don't do this." Lily stepped forwards, reaching out to hug him.
"Do what? I'm not doing anything you're not doing!" Severus said, it was loud for him and his usual whispering voice. He stepped back from Lily's embrace. "I'm not breaking your heart! I'm not causing you pain! I'm not leaving you for some flea brained jock type bully who can't even see past his own ego!" He paused and bowed his head again, he whispered "I'm not the one being unfair."
"I'm not being unfair! Don't you dare say anything about James! Severus, he knows how amazing I am! And he doesn't care about blood! He loves me! Don't you see?" Lily shouted at him. Her face flushed with anger at him.
"Fine… Fine Lily. I see. I see it all. You're just another mudblood trying to get to the top." Severus said, disgust ran through his voice.
Her eyes filled with tears and she turned her back to him.
"Lily… Oh fuck. Lily. I never… I didn't…" He stepped forwards and reached out to touch her. She shrunk from his touch. "Lil-"
"Don't Severus. Don't. You. Touch. Me." She ran from the room. He could hear her sobs.
Snape's eyes snapped open. He was covered in sweat. Her eyes haunted him. Even in those restless nights where he could only recall their last fight, he could remember her eyes. He had always loved her eyes. He'd always loved her.
"Eyes are windows to the soul Sev. Did you know that? Windows to the soul." She paused and looked up at him. "I'm going to marry a man with beautiful eyes." She sighed. "That's if any man would want me."
"Lily. Don't be stupid. Of course you'll get married. Loads of men want you to be theirs. Too many. In fact, anyone that doesn't want you is crazy. Look at you, smart, kind, beautiful and well… pretty much perfect." He looked into her eyes, her beautiful eyes. The corners of her mouth twitched slightly.
"Really Sev?" She sighed as he pulled her into a hug.
"Really Lil." He whispered into her ear.
Snape threw the covers back. He sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed and rested his head in his hands. His hair fell over his face. He groaned.
His memories would never leave him now would they?
He raised his head and walked over to the window. He looked out over the gardens. He stood bare chested in front of the frosted glass panels. He looked over to the maze. He remembered when Lilly dragged him to the centre.
"Come on Sev!" She grabbed his robe and pulled him through the bushes. He stumbled and almost fell through the branches. He laughed and pulled her hand away from him. She slowed down and laughed.
"Hey… Hey. Hold up one second Lil. Just… wait." He gasped. She looked at him, he was laughing and there were tears in his eyes.
"What Sev? What did I do?" She asked, worried about him.
"Nothing." Gasped Severus, who was still laughing.
Lily narrowed her eyes and pushed him square in the chest. Severus stumbled back, surprised.
"What?" Severus yelled.
"Don't make fun of me. I might have to do the same back." She pouted. Severus snorted. They caught each other's eyes.
Suddenly they both burst out in laughter. They hadn't even reached the middle yet.
Snape smiled. He remembered being in love with her from a young age. No one else compared to Lily Evans. No one. She was beautiful beyond belief. Her eyes were like deep, green pools he could get lost in. Her laughter was the sweetest melody. Her skin was like the smoothest silk. Her hair cascaded down her back like a waterfall. She smelt of a warm summer's day. And she loved him too. Not in the right way for Snape, but she had loved him. That was clear to see. She had loved him. She always did.
"Snape!" James called.
Snape, knowing who was calling, stayed where he was. His nose buried in a book. Lily would be here sooner or later. He was just waiting for her.
"Snape!" James called again.
Snape looked up, and regretted it. Potter was sitting on the bench with Black. Pettigrew stood behind them, stupid slave boy, he would never be 'part of the gang' but no one else wanted him.
"What?" Snape asked, he'd gone too far to say nothing now.
James stood up and walked over to him, slowly like he was taunting Severus. He reached Severus' seat and sat next to him. "Where's Lily?" He asked; his voice sharp. It held no pretence of friendship.
"I don't know Potter. I'm waiting for her." Severus said quietly, he didn't want to seem offensive.
"Why are you waiting for her?" Potter sneered.
Severus looked over his shoulder; Lily was coming out of the great hall. "I have to go, James. I'll see you around. Maybe." Severus stood up, picking up his books and bag, he walked over to Lily.
"What were you and Potter talking about Sev?"
"Oh… Just a girl." Severus said.
"Who?" Lily asked, curious.
"The most amazing girl in the world. Of course." Sev said as he rolled his eyes.
"Me?" She asked softly.
"Of course you! No one else would be that amazing." He smiled as her eyes shone.
"What did he ask? What did James say?"
It was at that moment, Snape remembered, he could feel his heart break. Not in two. Never in two. His heart broke away from him. His heart wasn't HIS heart any more. It was Lily's heart. And, he remembered, feeling empty and cold after that, after those words, uttered in complete innocence, shattered him completely.
He remembered the way she spoke about James Potter, the way her eyes shone and her smile was so broad. She glowed when she talked about Potter.
Snape stepped away from the window. He walked to the large desk in the front room. It was an old mahogany desk, embossed with gold.
In the top right hand draw there was a letter for him. One he hadn't opened. He didn't want to open it. It was from her.
"Severus, this is for you." Lily said as she pushed the envelope into his hands. She was in her graduation gown.
"Lily, you look amazing. I wi-"
"Just take the letter Severus. I have to go back to James now." She whispered. There was pain in her voice. Real pain. She was clearly upset by whatever was in the letter.
"Lily. I'm sorry."
"I am too Severus, but that won't change anything. Not now."
She turned her back to him and walked away. Severus looked down at the clean white envelope in his hand. On the front was his name. He read it out.
"Severus Snape."
He had a letter from Lily. She gave it to him on the last day of school. After she had given him the letter, she'd left his life forever. She'd never spoken to him again.
But she haunted his dreams. And she was all he could remember. He had that letter. He didn't want to open it, in case it was something he couldn't bear to read.
He opened the draw. Maybe tonight was the night. Maybe now, tonight, after years and years of fighting with himself… maybe tonight was the night he'd read her letter.
He reached into the desk and pulled out the letter. It was in a worn envelope, it'd stayed with him from the moment she'd handed it to him.
The letter was a faded, slightly dirty white. It wasn't shut, it had been left open. He could smell her perfume on the letter.
With shaking hands he took the letter out of the envelope. He unfolded the letter and looked at it. He couldn't bring himself to read the words. He only saw her neat handwriting.
He shook his head.
Snape read the letter.
Severus,
It's been a long time since we last spoke. We ended our friendship after an argument. I'm deeply sorry for ever hurting you, you know I never meant to. I just wish I could tell you that I never meant it.
Every night I wish I could change what I said to you, I wish but I know that no matter how much I wish I'll never change anything.
I want you to know that you're not right though; James is everything I hoped he'd be. I'm sorry that you're not happy for us but he is everything I've ever wanted.
Severus, I want to tell you something. I want you to know the truth. I wish I could have told you to your face but I can't do that. It would cause too much pain.
Sev, I have always loved you. I always will love you. I know that you'll never stop being a massive part of me.
I'll always want you to be there in my life. I often dream of getting married, but it never seems right unless you're there. I wish you could be there when I do get married.
I love you Severus Snape.
Always and forever,
Lily.
Snape dropped the letter to the desk. Tears filled his eyes. He brought his hands up to his face. Sobs racked his chest as he cried.
For the first time in his life Severus Snape let himself cry freely. He cried for himself, he cried for a lost chance at love, he cried for Lily, he cried for her death, he cried for Harry – the son that should have been his – but mostly Snape cried because of the freedom of those words.
"I love you Severus Snape."