Author- My friend Anna wrote this and wanted me to post it... this is her impression of what flight attendents think of you. Enjoy. You may never go on a plane again.
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I don't know about everyone else, but I fly fairly often and always wonder what goes on with the plane staff.
From the second you get on the plane, they're always giving you the evil eye. Even when they're not looking at you, you just know it. Or talking about you. Even when they're giving that " seat cushion can be used as a floatation device" speach. They'll say it right to you.
"And in the event of a water landing, *evil eye*, use your damn seat cushion as a floatation device, but it would be better if you just drowned you obese crack WHORE!!! That concludes our airplane safety speach. Have a nice flight! Except you, moron."
Then there's those peanuts. A bag that has like four nuts total. When you think it could be worse, then you get a nutri-grain bar. A F***ing nutri-grain bar! What the F*** is that?!?!?! Oh, but it's even better when you get no food at all. So you starve. But the stewerdess oops...I mean "flight attendent" doesn't care. I fact, she enjoys your suffering.
What she really enjoys, however, is giving you the airplane meals. It looks, tastes, and smells like vomit. The look on your face is only her second favorite part. Her favorite part of the meal is when the pilot creates "accidental" turbulence, causing your food to perform an ejection-seat style launch all down the front of your shirt. So you look, smell, and taste like you hurled. Vomited. Lost your lunch. Tosses your cookied. Prayed to the porcelin alter. You get the picture?
Anywho, right about now, your getting pretty thirsty and along comes the stewerdess...I mean "Mahem Master,"...with the drink cart. Notice she makes every effort to hit your elbows with the cart. Even if you're in the window seat. Not just hit...oh no...MAIM your elbows. So hard you need to wear safety pads. Then she staets that evil eye thing again.
"Hey you! Yes you with the elbow pads. What are you, a freakin knight?!?! Well Don Quixote, you're an IDIOT. What shall i poisen for you?"
All you want is some ginger ale, right? So you ask for some. Then she glances at the three cases of ginger ale on her cart, then says," We'er all out of that. I'll get some cyanide...I mean "ginger ale"...when I come around again. So hold your breath until I come back."Then about an hour later she comes back with your "ginger ale". It looks, smells, and tastes like watered-down dish soap with an alka-selter. Cause that's what it is!
And at this time the pilot announces that you need to put your tray table and your seat back in the full upright position. And you hit more turbulence. There goes your dish soap. Right on your lap. So it looks like you wet yourself, but hopefully no ones going yo be smelling or tasting your "areas."
Notice that the stewerdess...oops, I mean " The Queenof Mean"...walks past and openly points and laughs at you. "Would you like a diaper? I didn't think anyone younger than two would be on this flight."
The pilot makes the landing as rough as possible, and when you finaly get off the Coruption Contraption, they decide to do "random" strip searches. O, they "lost" your luggage because it fell out of the luggage compartment somewhere over the pacific ocean. And you look like you barfed you guts and emptyed your bladder in your pants. Not to mention the stewerdess...oops...I mean "SATAN," tripped you on your way out of the terminal, so you are limping. Hey at least you escaped with your...your..li...life...*ACK*.....................................................................................................................................................................................*End of broadcast.*
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Author- I hope you enjoyed this story....have fun on your flights...*trips the reader.* hehehehehehe........
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I don't know about everyone else, but I fly fairly often and always wonder what goes on with the plane staff.
From the second you get on the plane, they're always giving you the evil eye. Even when they're not looking at you, you just know it. Or talking about you. Even when they're giving that " seat cushion can be used as a floatation device" speach. They'll say it right to you.
"And in the event of a water landing, *evil eye*, use your damn seat cushion as a floatation device, but it would be better if you just drowned you obese crack WHORE!!! That concludes our airplane safety speach. Have a nice flight! Except you, moron."
Then there's those peanuts. A bag that has like four nuts total. When you think it could be worse, then you get a nutri-grain bar. A F***ing nutri-grain bar! What the F*** is that?!?!?! Oh, but it's even better when you get no food at all. So you starve. But the stewerdess oops...I mean "flight attendent" doesn't care. I fact, she enjoys your suffering.
What she really enjoys, however, is giving you the airplane meals. It looks, tastes, and smells like vomit. The look on your face is only her second favorite part. Her favorite part of the meal is when the pilot creates "accidental" turbulence, causing your food to perform an ejection-seat style launch all down the front of your shirt. So you look, smell, and taste like you hurled. Vomited. Lost your lunch. Tosses your cookied. Prayed to the porcelin alter. You get the picture?
Anywho, right about now, your getting pretty thirsty and along comes the stewerdess...I mean "Mahem Master,"...with the drink cart. Notice she makes every effort to hit your elbows with the cart. Even if you're in the window seat. Not just hit...oh no...MAIM your elbows. So hard you need to wear safety pads. Then she staets that evil eye thing again.
"Hey you! Yes you with the elbow pads. What are you, a freakin knight?!?! Well Don Quixote, you're an IDIOT. What shall i poisen for you?"
All you want is some ginger ale, right? So you ask for some. Then she glances at the three cases of ginger ale on her cart, then says," We'er all out of that. I'll get some cyanide...I mean "ginger ale"...when I come around again. So hold your breath until I come back."Then about an hour later she comes back with your "ginger ale". It looks, smells, and tastes like watered-down dish soap with an alka-selter. Cause that's what it is!
And at this time the pilot announces that you need to put your tray table and your seat back in the full upright position. And you hit more turbulence. There goes your dish soap. Right on your lap. So it looks like you wet yourself, but hopefully no ones going yo be smelling or tasting your "areas."
Notice that the stewerdess...oops, I mean " The Queenof Mean"...walks past and openly points and laughs at you. "Would you like a diaper? I didn't think anyone younger than two would be on this flight."
The pilot makes the landing as rough as possible, and when you finaly get off the Coruption Contraption, they decide to do "random" strip searches. O, they "lost" your luggage because it fell out of the luggage compartment somewhere over the pacific ocean. And you look like you barfed you guts and emptyed your bladder in your pants. Not to mention the stewerdess...oops...I mean "SATAN," tripped you on your way out of the terminal, so you are limping. Hey at least you escaped with your...your..li...life...*ACK*.....................................................................................................................................................................................*End of broadcast.*
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Author- I hope you enjoyed this story....have fun on your flights...*trips the reader.* hehehehehehe........