His Love and His Loneliness
When did being by himself become so lonely?
Hatake Kakashi remembered well the days in which he thrived on his own. He was an orphan before the age of nine, where after he enrolled in the Academy, soon to graduate and become a ninja.
Moreover, Kakashi was accustomed to finding his name written with the word 'alone'. He alone had become a jounin at such a young age. He alone possessed the Sharingan outside the Uchiha clan. He alone…the list went on and on.
Being on his own had suited him. Being by himself was something he had faced, conquered, and lived with.
Since when had the word 'solitary' coupled in his vocabulary with 'miserable'?
Perhaps it was the day his first, last, and only best friend died.
Perhaps it was the day his admired sensei was killed.
Perhaps it was the day he knew he would never see her face again.
Maybe it was even before that. Maybe his fate was sealed from the moment he met Rin, or from the moment he was assigned to his team, or from the moment he found his father dead on the living room floor on his birthday.
Whenever it had started, Kakashi at least knew the cause.
Love.
That stupid, four-letter word he despised so.
He had loved, admired, and cared for each of the people he now mourned, the gaps in his heart painful where they had once shed their light.
He had a theory.
The final blow must have come when he had realized it. When he had realized his feelings for Rin were not those of 'teammate', 'friend', 'comrade', 'sister', or even 'pretty girl'.
His were feelings of obsession, admiration, adoration, understanding, and loyalty.
Underlining all was that four-letter word: love.
Who remembered when it happened? One morning, he had awoken, thinking of her as the medical ninja of their unit; that evening, he had fallen asleep, doomed to dream of her and the bewitching smile she wore every time she spoke to him.
A smile that still captivated him in his memories, in his dreams, and in his thoughts.
Doomed; condemned. Kakashi must have been fated to this torment. Falling asleep dreaming of her, fighting the desires that flocked to his mind when he thought of her, ignoring the pain he felt when he remembered she would never he his.
Kakashi the jounin was a haunted teenager.
'Copy Ninja Hatake Kakashi of Konoha'. Such was his repute. He had endured battle wounds, injuries that should have made him scream, without flinching. He had survived wars, assassinations, sieges, missions.
Yet he could not handle the three words she had so carelessly tossed at him one evening.
"Hey! Kakashi! Wanna know something that no one else knows?" She turned mid-stride, her eyes taunting and playful, her shoulder-length hair fanning out from the speed of her maneuver as she turned to face him.
"Hn," was the only reply that he could use, desperately battling the strange longings that suddenly shouted at him in his head.
"I love you."
He remembered everything about that moment. Her vibrant eyes, staring at him with a fierce look of contentment; her dark hair framing her face; the light that seemed to only shine on her.
It was bewildering to him how she had so easily gotten inside his sanity, shattered his cool demeanor, and embedded herself in his soul. Frightening how much control over him she held. Disturbing how his emotions, which he kept under tight reign, had threatened to drown him in their effort to be heard.
But all that washed away. All of those feelings, all of those longings—they were gone now. Replaced by a sheer vacuum that threatened to swallow one Hatake Kakashi.
Gone with her.
The only thing left was him. Fate had cruelly forsaken him to his memories; his memories and a cold, grey monument that served to remind the living of sacrifices.
All it reminded him of was her—his love, and his loneliness.
A/N: well, I hope you liked it! please review; I love to know your opinions.