"I think we need to come up with a plan, in case something like Urahara's trick happens for real someday…" Ishida sighed, glancing around the room at his gathered friends. Orihime smiled brightly, nodding.
"Yeah! Something that only we'd know! A secret password!"
"Idiot, that wouldn't work… anyone with any intellect would get around that. It has to involve more than one of us doing something really strange! Like, something that'd definitely throw anybody off…" Renji glared at his companion, smirking proudly when Ichigo and Ishida agreed enthusiastically. Orihime looked to Chad, then Rukia, but found no support.
"An act. Something we keep up from the second someone disappears. Perhaps fake a relationship? I mean, it has to be something fairly subtle, so no acting like we hate someone we don't and starting to fight with them right away. But a relationship could be done much less obviously."
"Who the hell would do it? It'd need to be something that would throw a fake completely, so me and Orihime probably wouldn't work, Renji and Rukia wouldn't work…maybe Ishida and Rukia?"
"But he really does lo-um, I mean, I don't think Uryuu's the best choice…" Orihime giggled, an embarrassed look crossing her face.
"And I mean, if I tried it it'd be kinda hard because even though chocolate and ramen taste really yummy together none of you would ever want to try it so they wouldn't think that you and I were-um…um…aaah! I don't remember what I was saying…" She carried on, getting ever less comprehensible and trying to articulate her words through a set of bizarre hand-motions that reminded everyone more of a tentacle-monster than it helped to convey any sort of intelligible meaning. Leaning back against the desk with frustration, Ichigo put a hand on his forehead.
" So Ishida and Orihime are both out?"
"Me too," Chad shook his head, staring down at the ground. "I'm sorry, Ichigo.:"
"Well, then who does that leave? Nobody would be thrown off by me and Rukia, or that idiot Renji pretending to date Orihime…"
"Who's an idiot?!" Renji growled, grabbing Ichigo's shoulders and forcing him to stand. Ichigo raised his hands, trying to switch their positions to get the upper hand for himself. Smirking at the taller male, Ichigo tripped him, pushing at the same time. Renji hit a desk, sending it skidding back several feet with an unpleasant screech of metal.
"You! You're weak and stupid! I can't believe you let me trip you again!"
"I am not, you damn little-" Scrambling to his feet, he crossed his arms and tried to glare Ichigo to death. Ichigo's hand reached for the talisman that hung from his belt, but was stopped by Ishida.
"Both of you, shut up!" Having confiscated it, Ishida then stepped between the two, hands out. This course of action proved to be futile, however, as Ichigo simply darted around him, tackling Renji to the floor and putting him into a tight headlock.
"Ichigo, when did you trip him the first time?" Orihime tilted her head to the side, obviously trying her best to try and figure out when during the last two minutes Renji had fallen.
"When he wouldn't get out of his damn body."
"You just started yelling at me to 'undress' and saying creepy things like 'it's okay, just do it' and you wonder why I fought back? If you meant the body, you should have said that instead of trying to undress me!"
"Yeah, 'cause I can really tell you to get out of your body where everyone can hear."
"Better than having the whole class thinking you're trying to have sex with your relative."
"So it's my fault you're stupid?"
"That's it. Renji! If you don't shut up right now, I'm going to tell Jinta that he's free to do whatever he wants with you! As for you, Ichigo…I sleep in your room. Cut it out. None of this is working, so how about we just abandon the idea for now and go back to it when these two hot-headed children settle down?"
"Why are you following me home? Go back to Urahara's, or better yet, back to Byakuya. Unless he decided you suck as a vice-captain…" Ichigo asked, not bothering to turn and acknowledge Renji with eye contact. This proved not to be the brightest of moves, as he was the recipient of a rather strong boot to the back of the head which knocked him to his hands and knees on the pavement.
"I'm not going to leave this place to you! Everyone would be Hollow food in a week!" Scrambling up, Ichigo tossed a pebble at Renji's head, rubbing away the blood from his palms on his pants.
"Yeah, right…I bet right now Byakuya's sitting in his room, happy that it's finally quiet."
"Please stop using my given name, Ichigo Kurosaki." A large flash of familiar energy blew through both of their bodies, sending a slight shiver down Ichigo's spine. Standing in front of them, lengthy scarf billowing in the gentle breeze, was Byakuya Kuchiki, and he looked even less impressed than usual.
"C-Captain Kuchiki?!" Renji paled as he waited for his superior to speak again. Whatever had brought Byakuya here wasn't going to be good news…sure enough, the man's dark eyes were focused not on Ichigo, but himself. After a lengthy silence, Byakuya finally spoke.
"You have been neglecting your duties, Abarai."
"M-my…my duties? What-what do you mean, Captain Kuchiki? I-I've been working really hard. Hollows, that trick of Urahara's…" Renji shuddered as he felt another powerful flash of energy rush through him in warning.
"Your paperwork. All of it."
"O-oh, right…the paperwork." Renji sighed with relief, his breathing patterns attempting to return to something that could be considered natural. Ichigo snickered at him, but quieted down at Byakuya's silent warning.
"I expect you to finish in a timely fashion, Abarai." Byakuya turned, taking his time in walking away. After the man was out of sight, Renji collapsed onto the grass.
"Man, I thought I was gonna die or something…" He groaned, putting his head in his hands. Why in both worlds had Byakuya traveled all the way here just to scold him about paperwork? It wasn't like him in the least…
"Coward."
"Coward, huh? I'm gettin' kinda tired of you always calling me names like that. Wanna play a little game? You won't last five minutes."
"Whatever it is, you're going to get destroyed, Renji." Ichigo crossed his arms defiantly, glaring down at the long-haired man. Licking his lips, Renji stood and stepped closer. Just as he'd expected, the boy'd had fallen for it. When it came to matters like this, there was no way someone like Ichigo would be able to hold out.
"We'll see. It's gonna be nice to have a meal without being called a freeloader every five seconds." Renji brushed deliberately against Ichigo's side as he walked past him, making no acknowledgement of their contact. Stretching out, he turned, walking slowly backwards as he spoke.
"First one to back down is the weaker man…you make me say stop, you win. I make you say stop, I win. Physical contact only, nothing that counts as outright assault, other than that there are no rules."