Author's Note: I wrote this when I was fifteen, when I had first sold my soul to Naruto. This was long before Kishimoto had completely ruined my life with that godforsaken ending. Just posting it for shits and giggles. What a time to be alive. Please enjoy and review :)

Chapter One – The Evil Plan

"Well then, is everyone here?" Pain asked monotonously. A collective bout of grunts resounded around the wooden table, echoing off the stone walls. "Good," he said as he straightened his stack of papers. He clasped his hands together and laid his eyes on the Akatsuki members that sat before him.
"I have summoned you all here because there is something of great importance that must take place immediately," he said.
"You mean the Bijuu draining, right?" Kisame asked doubtfully. Pain shook his head.
"No, the Bijuu draining can wait," he stated, receiving shared gasps from his comrades. What could be so important that their goal, collecting all the tailed-beasts and taking over the world, had been brought to a halt?

"You see," Pain said as he shuffled through his papers, "Kakuzu kindly pointed out to me that we have a fair bit of extra money, courtesy of his bounty-hunting." The mentioned man nodded his head in approval.
"How much?" Hidan demanded loudly. A vein throbbed impatiently in Pain's forehead; the Jashinist was incredibly annoying. The leader held up the piece of paper on which an extremely large number was crudely scribbled. Jaws popped open and Sasori's almost fell off its hinges.
"Fifty-gazillion," Pain confirmed. "And with this money, we shall hatch the most diabolical scheme the world has ever known." His rippled eyes surveyed the table, absorbing their eager expressions, save for Tobi, whose expression remained unknown. After a dramatic pause, the leader spoke.

"We will throw the biggest, most expensive house party in the history of existence!" he declared manically, slamming his palms on the table. Cheers erupted all around the table and Hidan's were the loudest. Pain stood up, raising his arms to the ceiling.
"My comrades," he said imperiously. "Together we shall achieve this goal!" Hidan hooted, raising his fist in the air. Konan shook her head exasperatedly.
"I'm in charge of the drinks!" Hidan announced, brandishing his scythe through the air like a madman.
"Watch where you fling that oversized penknife," Kakuzu grumbled, swiftly ducking an almost-decapitation.
"Tobi will be in charge of the music!" the orange-faced oddity announced.
"Good," Pain agreed. "You will work in your two-man cells. Hidan and Kakuzu: the drinks and food. Tobi and Zetsu: the entertainment. Deidara and Sasori: the décor." The two sighed in annoyance.
"As long as I get to display my art, hm," Deidara muttered. Sasori glared at him, but remained silent.
"Kisame and Itachi," Pain said as he turned to look at the least troublesome pair. "You will be in charge of the guest list. And make sure that Orochimaru doesn't pitch up. That would be incredibly awkward." The two nodded. Pain turned to face Konan.
"And Konan-"he was cut off by the woman's penetrating glare.
"Don't expect me to help with this ridiculous party," she said icily. Pain accepted her statement and carried on as if she hadn't said anything.
"The party will take place on Saturday evening," he said as he stood up. "Now get to work, everyone." The assigned partners got to their feet, scraping their wooden chairs against the stone floor in the process.

Not too far from the hideout, a pair of golden eyes narrowed suspiciously as they peered through a pair of binoculars that were capable of spying bacteria on Mars.

"So, this is what they're planning?" a hoarse voice muttered. Getting to his feet, he raised a thumb to a pointed tooth and cut the skin. Holding out his left arm, the servant beside him immediately rolled up the tunic sleeve. Once the bloodied thumb had slid over an intricate tattoo, the hand made contact with the ground.
"Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"

There was a faint poof and a white cloud of smoke. The smoke drifted away to reveal a small, brown snake.
"Go forth and infiltrate their hidey-hole, my little friend," the man cackled. The snake quickly slithered off in the direction of the den, camouflaged against the bare ground.
"Orochimaru-sama," Kabuto said uneasily. "Do you think it is wise to spy on Akatsuki?" a narrow pupil relocated to the corner of its eye to glare at the man.
"Do not question my motives, Kabuto," Orochimaru replied before folding his arms. "Ever since I was kicked out of this pathetic organisation, I've been dying to know what they've been planning in their spare time." He pouted slightly at the memory of being rejected by Itachi. He cast the thought aside and turned around.
"Let's go. American Horror Story is on in ten minutes and you still have to make dinner," he said gruffly before swiftly leaping to a tree branch. Kabuto hastily followed, not wanting to endure any scolding from a hungry master.

I definitely ship Pain and Konan.