Title: I am alone
Rating: G
Warning: AU. Kakashi's POV. Angst-ish. Written in second person.
Pairing: No pairing per se, but implied yaoi, if you want to (and I certainly do).
Summary: Kakashi returns to Konoha after completing a mission.
Disclaimer: The characters and universe do not belong to me. I'm merely playing with them for the sake of it. No money made.
Author's note: Written in May 2008. Feedback is always welcome.
~ * ~ * ~
I am cold.
I am darkness.
I am night, and I am despair in-between: the sun vanished a long time ago. I saw as it imploded, leaving a bleeding hole of black behind.
I am death.
I have nothing.
I am alone.
~ * ~
The words form a chant in your mind, as hypnotic as a heartbeat, clouded in guilt. Despite your skills, despite your speed, you know you can't silence it.
So you listen, standing in front of the black memorial, motionless under the rain.
I am cold.
The raindrops fall noiselessly tonight. They're icy on your skin. You watch the small, liquid pearls as they roll down the dark stone, sliding on the names carved on the flat surfaces. So many names... So many known names. Each and every day: you look at them, read them, spell them. Letter after letter, name after name, day after day.
They never change.
And now, tonight, here under the rain, alone, cold and bloody, you add another to the list. You know his name will never be carved on the stone, but to you, he has a place here.
He has a place here...
The porcelain mask feels heavy, suddenly, and your own, black mask is too tight. Air grows thin for a moment, and your pulse speeds up, your breath coming out in harsh hisses. But you don't waver and you don't look down; you look straight ahead at the black stone now blurring before your eyes.
You don't want to see the pinkish pool of water gathering at your feet as the rain cleanses you.
The night feels bleak all of a sudden, so you try to focus. You deal in shadows – you always have. You walk under the sun, yes; you laugh, even, between missions, when someone brave enough, or careless enough, catches up with you; but even under the brightest sun you are still covered in shadows. Your father has taught you that much: blood looks less vivid in the midst of night.
I am darkness.
You just have to keep in mind: duty is duty.
~ * ~
The rain has stopped, but you still shiver. The village is completely silent. You haven't seen any guard when you came in, as if nothing has changed. As if nothing has happened. And in a way, nothing has: they don't know yet.
You crouch on a roof and you look down the darkened buildings. There is peace here.
Not for you, though. You don't quite deserve it, do you? Especially not after tonight. Or was it last night? You've lost track of time since you've faced him.
I am night, and I am despair in-between.
You look up at the moon. It shines quietly upon the village, its light softening hard angles and dulling painful memories. It's easier to hide by night. Enemies, unwanted souvenirs, the truth: they're easier to escape under the cover of darkness.
You remember a flash of yellow, and your heart misses a beat. He must have known then, you muse, and the thought is excruciating.
I am death.
"You're back," a voice says softly, and he appears at your side, kneeling next to you.
You nod wordlessly, too numb to be surprised. You haven't heard him approach; you've been too caught up in your thoughts. He is an ermit, one of the sannin, but you've been careless... and you can't find it in you to be concerned.
"He's not," he adds, and the sorrow in his voice cuts you like a knife. You bend forward slightly, breathless, your balance off for an instant; but before you can realize it, his arm is wrapped around you, holding you in place.
"Naruto?" you ask, and your voice is just a whisper.
"Don't worry about him," he tells you. "He'll understand. Eventually."
Eventually. The word spins in circles in your mind, dizzying. Your chest grows cold, and a shiver runs down your spine.
I have nothing.
He holds you tighter. "Tell me," he demands quietly.
"He fought well," is all you can manage to say at first, and the silence stretches for a while, painful, full of cries. "He used the sharingan very skilfully before... he turned... he used the cursed mark. I took care of it... the body." The corrupted shell of a body, you want to add, but your voice and your hands are shaking, and nothing comes out. "He fought well," you finish with difficulty, almost choking.
"But you fought better," he completes in a murmur. He rises, bringing you up as he stands. "Come," he adds, "Tsunade waits for your report, and you need to rest."
To rest. You look down at the darkened village. There is such peace here. You close your eyes. You wish you could lie down and forget everything. You wish the nightmare that you know will come, won't.
You feel a movement at your side, and the porcelain mask is gently removed from your face. You open your eyes, startled, only to see him looking down at you in a way that paralyses you.
With kindness.
"You need to rest," he repeats, and he jumps off of the roof, carrying you with him effortlessly.
Am I not alone?
~ * ~